may-machin

Well, I’ve been going through the university application process since the start of my second year of college, just to mention I live in the UK  and here students go to high school 11-16 years old doing GCSE’s, then do two years at college doing A Levels and this is where you apply for University. My top university choice offered me a conditional offer, meaning I must get or do certain things to be able to start the course.

My conditions are:

DD on my applied science BTEC

120 UCAS points

Pass numeracy professional skills test

Pass literacy professional skills test

I have passed the numeracy test and I’m on my way to getting D*D* on my applied science, but even they don’t get me enough UCAS points only 112, I need to at least pass, which in A Level is an E grade. But I’m really anxious because I don’t do very well in exams, I get very nervous and I just freeze and write pure bullshit.

I know all the content I just can’t function in an exam, especially when there’s so much at stake.

My mum has been an amazing support and rock for me to keep me focused and not panicking, she’s said how even if I don’t meet the conditions that it’s not the end of the world because there's always the job of a teaching assistant.

I don’t know if this is just me, even though it probably isn’t, and it’ll sound amazingly cheesy but I really want to find that special someone. I see how my mum and dad interact with each other, they’ve been together since they were 18 and they’re in their late 40s now, they’ve been through a lot over the years and I can still see that love between them.

Both my older brothers (28 and 27) both have significant others and have children and I have this internal worry that I’ll end up being alone. I’m not very social and I find it hard to interact with people with my ASD, I’m not even sure what it'd be like in a relationship with a guy because I’ve never been in a relationship before...I don’t even now if I have a ‘type’ of man that I’d be interested in.

This is going to sound sad, but I don’t want to spend a majority of my life alone. My mum has said to me before that I don’t necessarily need to be in a relationship to be happy and I now that but we as humans have this instinctual need for conpanonship. And I don’t want to speek bad about family but my older sister (30) has always struggled with relatioships, she’d been in emotionally AND pysically abusive reltionships. And I don’t want to end up lke that, I do want a husband and family in the future like my parents and siblings.

I think of myself as a very simple person. Being more of an introverted person I like to be alone, I have very few close friends who I could tell my most intimate thoughts and secrets to (I could probably count them all on one hand). I do have friends who I view more as acquaintances who I would just have casual conversations with during classes, but I keep them at a distance emotionally; even though most of them are lovely and incredibly nice to be. This makes me feel a bit guilty because I’m not very good at forming attachments with people, I meet people get to know them but we drift apart and don’t speak. It’s happened with people I’ve known since I was a kid.

But I’ve more often than not find myself wanting to be alone, shying away from interacting socially with people, especially if it exceeds saying hello to someone when I’m paying for something. I feel so awkward when trying to make conversations with one of my (more distant) friends that I find she takes over the conversation which means I just say my input every once in a while.