Max, out of context

Have you ever thought about what calling someone an asshole literally means? They're just a hole, it doesn't make any sense.

Terrorists: they're just like us!

The funniest thing anyone's ever said to me was 'my dick tastes like corn.' That guy's a russian spy now.

Can you think of anything worse to put on a business card than 'former contestant on the x-factor'?

I can't judge, I read the entire NSA advice column.

Injectable commercials? That's awesome!

'Phablet' is the grossest word there is. Suck it, womb.

Donald Trump will always put his name on shit. It's like a rule of life.

Wouldn't it be funny if slavery ends up being the thing that unites [congress]?

I'd still rather be in Congress than be a slave.

Doesn't that lead to breaking the royal baby in half or something?

Time Cook is a GREAT name for a CEO! It puts pressure on everybody. Like he's a crockpot.

I don't even know what a pixel is. It sounds like it'd be from Harry Potter.

Can you have just one Walgreen?

Why would I voluntarily memorize something?

Which celebrity do you think looks most like a bug?

I'm pretty sure Miley Cyrus and Bill O'Reilly wouldn't be friends.