god never loved me

like am i really gonna spend the rest of my life in damage control mode? constantly negotiating w/ myself and having 2 sacrifice things in the name of prioritizing? like oh i didn't do laundry for a month but that's ok bc i only missed a couple of homework assignments!!! like wtf man that doesn't feel like success!!!! (it IS success 4 me and it's important 2 recognize progress!! but it also feels kinda pathetic in a way that i miss not caring about)

fyi im only this rambling bc ive spent the past month or two feeling like im balancing on a real thin line between keeping my shit together vs everything falling apart and it uhh really has been feeling like im holding on by my fingertips and for all my insight i genuinely cannot tell if my assessment is accurate or if im incapable of that kind of objective perspective rn

like the thing is im a fuckin PRO at IDing my unhealthy thought patterns n i know all the good insightful n rationalizing thoughts 2 counter that shit but it's still like. ultimately my choice 2 use them and sometimes its way too tempting 2 just.... take a goddamn break and indulge in the wallowing yaknow? except u CANT bc that shit has consequences and it's never gonna stay contained to some designated angst period it'll spill over and fuck everything im working so hard on rn and i hate the fucking /expectations/ like idk what I'd do if i had a full on mixed or depressive episode now thatd feel fucking life ending man i mean. it wouldn't be but itd FEEL like it which is. kind of the same thing sometimes yeah?

things r hard bc ik that im doing so much better than ive ever been b4 really (even tho it doesn't feel like it usually) but also it's like? A Constant Choice i gotta make it 2 do the responsible n healthy thing 4 myself yaknow? and it's kinda.... exhausting? like 4 example ive been havin some negative body image feelins lately and it's like u gotta put up a constant resistance 2 those unhealthy thoughts n behaviours but also? sometimes it feels like it'd be easier 2 just go back to that? even tho ik it wasn't easy back when i was actively engaging in unhealthy patterns right but it's like. U don't get cheat days with ur mental health man and im just so. fucking tired.

i feel like ive been on the verge of tears on and off for like. the last week or so and that probably Means Something but i have no idea what couldve triggered a depressive episode and i lowkey refuse to believe that my brain would just do this 2 me w/o an external reason

in other news i felt pretty shit 2day like i haven't in awhile and idk if it was a delayed reaction 2 yesterday's mess or just bad luck but i hate that even on vacation my brain finds ways 2 shoot me in the foot

and like i went 2 keep my younger cousin company bc she's only 10 and it must've been really shite for her to see/hear that but y'all know me im not good with kids bc im never around em so it's like???? what even IS the typical emotional intelligence of a 10 yr old??? what's the appropriate way 2 talk abt this shit with one??? who knows my dude all i personally remember abt being 10 was how much i wanted 2 fuckin off myself lol

there was some Family Drama the other day (not involving me for once) and it was uhhh So Uncomfortable i mean i knew my grandmother is an insufferable shit but i had no idea things were so bad between her and my aunt and uncle......... like she just. i can't concisely describe how disrespectful she can be but there was a bit of a blow up yesterday between her and my uncle bc she was complaining abt smth stupid and there was yelling and my young cousins were Right There and wow it was beyond uncomfortable