stifling.

Ann grinned at the question, glad that for once he was indulging her in her need to meddle help him with his love life. “Well,” she mused, a sing-songy tone entering her voice, “you really should talk to her more. Tell her you like her instead of awkwardly holding out like she’s going to notice because you’re probably not being obvious enough. Subtlty is okay in most aspects of life, but not in love or dating. You need to speak your mind. You’re not very good at that,” she teased. 

Love. Dating was something he had done before, but loving someone - that was entirely new. And sure, he liked Hope ( he liked her quite a lot ), but what really caught his attention was how Anna had interpreted his feelings for her friend to be...that strong. Were they? He couldn’t really answer that. Not when his “love life,” or whatever you want to call it - was not quite as clean cut as he presented everything else to be. But that was a conversation for another time - one that was too dangerous to share with anyone. Even with a friend like Anna.

“It really is rather strange. Especially when you’re trying to explain it to someone.” She shrugged, a smile settling in one her face. “I’m not sure why it is my favorite. It’s funny at times, and Alice is a good character who’s dealing with some weird stuff, and sometimes I feel sorry for her.” And how wonderful would it be to visit a strange world where nothing seems normal and you get to explore to your heart’s content, she thought. “Well, that’s definitely one that I could suggest. That or maybe something like Pride and Prejudice. You could get your dating advice from that,” she teased, shoving him lightly on the arm.

Matthew nodded in agreement - hearing about Anna’s favourite book was odd, but reading it was probably different. Either that or Anna just had weird taste in literature. But weird taste or not, Matthew didn’t mind; he liked spending time with the brunette regardless. He couldn’t quite pin it down, but it was like they were on the same wavelength. And he liked that a lot. “Dating advice?” Matthew scoffed at the thought. Getting dating advice from a book? Right. “I think I’m pretty okay in that department.” Even if he did think so though, Matthew wanted to entertain Anna for a moment. “But...say I did need dating advice, would you have any?”

Sometimes all Hope wanted to do was vocalize what Matt’s unwavering support meant to her. Tell him that it was the foundation she built her sanity on at some points of the day - depending on how bad everything else was. But that was a lot to put on a person and to be honest, it wasn’t a healthy statement to make. But with everything looking so dreary in her life, besides the friendship offered to her by Matt and by Anna, it was hard not to break down into tears or breathless panic every second of the day. If she were really being honest; which she always tried to do before everything went bad, she would say that what really saved her were the drugs she bought to soothe her anxious mind. But, like she said, she wasn’t being honest. Not anymore.

Matthew grinned at Hope’s goofy joke. “Not at all. If you were falling over everyday, then maybe I’d think you’re a klutz but, it could’ve happened to anyone.” As Hope looked down at her cuts, Matthew couldn’t help but notice them too. And it kicked him into gear. “Let’s grab all your stuff,” he trailed, “and maybe find a bench. I think I have band-aids in my bag and I can run back to school; they’ll have antiseptic there.” And if they didn’t ( not that they wouldn’t ), he’d go buy some for Hope. It was as simple as that. As one hand reached for the pile of her things, the other reached out in her direction, ( just in case she needed help standing back up ). “A different tune, huh? Do you take requests?” Turning to look at her again, Matthew gave her a gentle smile. “Hey, don’t worry about it. Plus, it’d be pretty heartless of me to just watch you fall and walk away. Not that I ever would, of course.”

“I don’t know shit,” Freddy shot back. “Isn’t that your whole thing? Model fucking citizen by day, sinner by night? You get to prance around and break the rules at Myra’s fun little castle whenever you feel like it, but as soon as this place gets found out, you’re on your knees in church sucking Jesus’s dick like you like it. I may be crazy,” Freddy added after a moment, “but at least I’m not a fucking liar.”

Freddy’s words were spiteful and Matthew wished he could’ve reacted the right way. He wanted to get mad, he wanted to throw things right back at Salvation’s former golden boy. But, Matthew couldn’t, as if there was something holding him back. For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. Matthew 6:14-15.

“I don’t think so.” When blood coated the bottoms of Essie’s shoes ( the soles of which she scrubbed and scrubbed, and despite the lack of red she still smelt the metal and rot ) after that fateful night, right and wrong and what was Godly and wasn’t became so entirely twisted that she dreamt she burned at the stake for praying at church. Five in the morning, she had turned to the Holy book. Myra was the only reason Essie’s bible had a cracked spine and highlighted passages. It was not because of a desire of redemption in the eyes of the Pastor, or in search of absolution. If God was real, though far too often he had proved himself otherwise, she needed to know that they were safe. She was the defense attorney in The Revolutionaries v. God. Essie opened her bible and flipped to a page. “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Peter 4:8.” She turned back up to look at Matthew. “Isn’t that what sex is? Love? Not in the standard sense of marriage and romance and all of that, but the same kind of love God wants people to share.” It was no longer possible for Essie to tell if she had lost her mind. Perhaps the Devil had gotten to her after all. Perhaps she was the Devil. But she didn’t care. With her friends – sex or no sex – she felt human. Or maybe something beyond that. 

It all seemed surreal. Here was Essie Burke reciting Peter 4:8 and he could see where she was coming from. Isn’t that what sex is? Love? But, Essie’s choice of words not only made him feel bashful, but they frightened him. If someone asked him what had been going through his mind ever since Myra’s death and ever since Johnny had approached him to join The Revolutionaries, Matthew wouldn’t know where to begin. But one thing was for sure, the foundations that his family had built his whole life around was showing signs of fractures - ones that, at this point, felt irreparable. Despite all of this, the same question kept replaying over and over. Could God could hear all of this? In two of Matthew’s very specific cases, he had gotten away with what he had been doing. Things that sat well with Essie’s take on the bible, but it wasn’t how Salvation saw things. However, Essie’s words and the weight she put behind them had the same conviction ( if not more ) that Pastor Brown had during his sermons. And Matthew truly admired her for that. “Maybe you should write those tests instead. I mean, either that or a rendition of the Veggietales theme song,” giving her a jovial reply - the only one that really came to mind.

“It’s about a girl,” she began, every so often looking behind her to make sure that there was no one around to listen to her spout off information about a banned book. “She lives in a really dull world and then she falls down a rabbit hole into a world where everything is really exciting and new and she goes on adventures. It’s amazing.” And the dream. What would it be like to go to a world like that she wondered? Not that it would ever happen.

 He didn’t really know what to make of the book that Anna was describing, and when he noticed her randomly turning around, Matthew too, felt the need to make sure no one was paying attention to them. Or listening to their conversation. For the most part, he was certain that no one was nor did anyone suspect them - the Mayor’s son and Anna Worth, one of the town’s sweethearts - to be up to any rule-breaking. “That sounds like a really strange story,” he said, furrowing his eyebrows as an image of a girl falling down a rabbit hole tried to formulate in his mind. “But, a good strange. Why is it your favourite book? I don’t think I have one actually. You might have to recommend something to me!” 

“oh, absolutely! we’d love that,” faith said, slipping into the ‘we’ talk easily. “i’m sure it does. it’s such a well oiled machine, i can’t imagine how much work goes into it that! i’ve been busy– but not nearly as busy as you. just helping organize the carnival and assisting pastor brown with whatever he needs, you know. usual things. putting up posters, setting up the bibles, all of that. it’s so fulfilling– oh, i’m sure you know what i mean.”

“Maybe you can bring some of those cupcakes too,” he replied, grateful at how his interactions with Faith never required the same fake politeness that his other conversations needed. “Well, a full set, at least! It sounds like you’ve been just as busy - are you manning any booths this year?” Fulfilling. There was no denying that what Matthew did for the town was nice, but he had never been given a choice to do anything different. Did anyone really? But if Faith and Pastor Brown knew what he found more fulfilling ( the sinful things that required showers and moments of ‘repent’ ), there would be no praise. None at all. “Right; I’m sure Pastor Brown appreciates the help. And really, there’s no one as organised as you.”

“I plan on recycling them,” he stated as if he was explaining addition to a child. If he didn’t pick up at them, then the janitors would have to do it. Besides, it wasn’t right of him to leave his table a mess when he left the library. It was against the rules and breaking the rules meant drawing unnecessary attention to himself. “This is a library. Lower your voice before we get in trouble with the librarian,” he ordered, finally looking up from his textbook and making direct eye contact with Matthew. 

Having Will Davis lecture him on talking in the library and look at him with such seriousness, was a startling experience. The only people who had ever sought to reprimand Matthew for his behaviour ( well etiquette, more like ) were his parents. Other people had never bothered to and when they did, his displeasure was evident. But, with Will, he wasn’t even annoyed. Sitting next to him in the library, talking to him, being in the same vicinity as him - it just didn’t feel natural.

Good god, town members whispered under their breath. Batty Nattie was at it a g a i n. 

Natalie Carthright was usually heard before she was seen; though in some ways, Matthew could see how that could happen. Especially when all eyes were on Lizzy and her hands. But, hearing Natalie wasn’t a bad thing at all. While some people thought she was just a little bit too much and even more so at the carnival, Matthew had always liked that about her. And maybe that’s why he eagerly walked towards her - not necessarily for the kisses, but for the nice sense of familiarity ( for the friendship ). “Hi Natalie,” Matthew said, his voice friendly, “your booth is looking great. Definitely one of the best here!” And having spent almost all of his “free” time helping to set up, he certainly meant it. 

Hope looked up to see Matthew kneeling beside her and the image soothed her. She could always count on Matt to at least be at her side when she was in trouble, even though she knew that of late this was harder than ever. Suddenly, the spill didn’t seem as dire as it was before, she wasn’t alone and on the spot with him helping her. She had a buffer. Smiling, she started to pick up her belongings which were rolling every which way at this point. “Don’t worry, Matt, I’m fine. Nothing that can’t be handled in the grand scheme of things.” 

After what happened to Myra, Salvation had been shaken. But, one person that Matthew noticed a strong change in, was Hope. She had become more insular; more enclosed - he couldn’t quite pin down the right word. But, he still felt himself looking at her the same way he always had. And when Hope began to reassure him, Matthew knew that feeling would be constant. It distracted him for a moment, until he too noticed the cuts on her hands and knees. This definitely called for antiseptic and band-aids.

Anna considered the question, pleasantly surprised that he hadn’t asked her to reveal a secret. “My favorite book,” she hummed out loud. There were just so many good ones, it was hard to choose her favorite. “Alice in Wonderland,” she finally settled on, voice having grown soft at the fear of being overheard. “By Lewis Carroll.” She usually did talk about her books outside of a private space, but at least there was no one around listening to their conversation, right?

Alice in Wonderland. Though he had never read the book himself, Matthew of all people knew that wasn’t on Salvation’s accepted ‘reading list.’ But people sneaking into the restricted section wasn’t unheard of and although he was the mayor’s son, Matthew was also a loyal friend. Plus, reading a book from the restricted section couldn’t be a sin, right? “What’s it about?” He asked quietly. 

“too true,” she replied, returning his warm demeanor. he had a way of disarming her, and she appreciated it. “he’s good,” she said, plastering on the sweet, loving smile she knew by heart. “busy, i suppose. you must be, too– mayoral things, and all.”

“That’s good. You two should come over sometime, maybe we can study, have some lunch.” In his mind, Matthew couldn’t help but question his own intentions. But his offer to Faith was genuine. Despite his change in allegiance ( was it really that? ), Matthew did care about the two of them. Mayoral things. That was always a funny topic to him, because even though what Faith had said was true - he had been busy with mayoral things ( as well as spending time with The Revolutionaries, but she didn’t know that and Matthew was certainly not going to tell her ), his father - the mayor, didn’t really seem to be in that picture. “It doesn’t look like it, but Salvation requires a lot of attention,” he responded, hoping his answer didn’t come off as engineered. “So, dad has definitely got me doing a lot of stuff, but what about you? I’m sure your schedule is pretty full too.”

The carnival was magic. Cam was quite certain of it–the lights and the colors and the smells made the whole thing seem like some kind of dream. The crowds–normally enough to make him feel like he was suffocating–seemed friendlier than they ever had. People were smiling and laughing and having fun. It was like the entirety of Salvation had transformed into some other town, one where nobody was murdered or taken away or hurt. Instead people laughed and had a good time. 

A breather. After helping set up the carnival, as well as plaster on a smile for everyone that approached his family, that’s all he really wanted. But there was joy to be found in the carnival; people seemed genuinely happy and for once, Salvation didn’t seem to have that heavy atmosphere it usually carried. Despite that the beginning of it all felt like how it always did for him, ( which was fake ), Matthew could quietly appreciate the night and how nice it was for the town. And, sitting at an uneven table, that was what he had been doing. At least, until a familiar voice became a pleasantly surprising source of distraction. “I mean, does it taste as good as it looks?” Matthew asked, looking over at Cam, as he returned the grin. “Because then, that’s not really a bad thing, right?”

He could’ve said he was focusing on school or family, but he wouldn’t be telling the truth. Sure, his grades were good, and he spoke to his mother and sister on a regular basis, but what else was occupying his time so much? “Not much. I’m just… here.” That was as close to the truth as he could get. For one thing, he was glad that Matt seemed to be keeping busy.

Not wanting to push Peter, Matthew simply nodded at his response. In a lot of ways, he understood Peter, maybe not completely or exactly - but, there was something there that resonated with him. “Fair enough,” he said with a smile on his face. “Maybe The Assumption of Mary Day will change that. You looking forward to it? It’s always pretty fun.”