I don't need to be saved.

Memorize your route. Your map can and will lie.

Take the safest roads.

Mountain passes shift between our world and another - do not leave your car when you are crossing a mountain pass.

If you see something you believe to be a bear, do not photograph it.

The snow does strange things to our eyes.

Borders shift.

Do not speak to anyone you meet further than a kilometer from the nearest building.

Not everything that appears to be human is.

You may eat at rest stops but leave as soon as possible. If there are no other guests there, leave immediately.

Don’t listen to birdsongs for too long - they will start to tell you things you’d rather not hear.

There are no shortcuts.

Something is looking at you, but it is indifferent to your existence.

The things beneath the soil would rather stay undisturbed. Don’t dig.

Bring a mirror and a clear head.

Leave all religious items at home. They will make a scent trail.

There is a reason we fear wolves, but it isn’t the one you think.

Do not touch scissors on the ground. Ever.

The wind will bite you. Cover up.

The longer you spend in the woods, the stranger the air gets.

Stay calm.

Never approach old houses.

If there is mist on the ground, do not be afraid.

Windmills are further away than they seem.

Don’t look into lakes.

Some farms don’t always exist. Don’t worry if you can’t find it on your return trip.

Don’t drink slow-running river water. If you do, there will invariably be a dead animal upstream.

Bridges are sacred places. Do not disrespect them.

Avoid wetlands.

There are no children out here, only false ones.

If you are reading this guide, then you and any potential peers want to leave the comfort and security of your warm mother star and expand into the cold, dark, and unforgivable void. A mistake, really, but I am not here to stop you; I am here to lay out some basic rules that you puny mortals must abide by.

Don’t ask questions you are not prepared to know the answer to.

There’s always bigger.

Never cross the Elder Gods.

Always remember rule 1.

Fusion based energy is your best friend. If you are still using fossil fuels then your species sucks. Period.

Speaking of fossil fuels, chemical based rockets suck. Try using space bending warp drives or quantum bridges. Light speed sucks, too.

It’s not a bad idea for your species to be genocidal xenophobic maniacs to everything but yourselves. Just make sure you have the firepower to back it up.

I highly recommend total unity within your species. If you are too busy fighting amongst yourselves, what are you going to do when Needledorp arrives?

Fear Needledorp.

Always remember rule 9.

If you find a desolate, rocky planet with the only inhabitant named “Frank”, avoid that planet at all costs. I don’t care if it’s rich in resources, just avoid it.

Some black holes are alive. They are aggressive. Do not pet the black holes.

It’s just like that, sometimes.

Make sure nothing is following you.

If you have an individual with psychic powers, expect them to go insane once they leave the confines of your mother star. Lock them up in a closet with a few markers and check up on them every once in a while. If they star my screaming about an entity named “Carol”, shoot them out the airlock. They will be the distraction.

Remember rule 1.

You are immortal until proven otherwise.

Any extraterrestrial rocks may have anomalous properties. Proceed with caution, or you may get space zombies or something.

Remember rule 13.

Make sure nothing is following you.

Violence may be an answer to a dispute with an extraterrestrial entity. Copulation is a last resort (control your thirst).

If bullets don’t work, punches will.

Remember rule 17.

Your objective: survive.

Babies are not food, they are weapons.

There are cheat codes.

Don’t ask about the cheat codes. Remember rule 1.

If the void is staring at you. Make it uncomfortable.

Avoid Frank. The anomalous one.