Confessions of a Massage Therapist

95% of all cases occur in infants 6 months old or younger, and more then 50% of those occurred in babies under 2 months. That doesn't mean feed your 7-month-old honey, it means maybe don't freak out that your aunt fed the 11 month baby honey grahams. Just watch for the symptoms.

The symptoms are reduced gag reflex, floppiness (especially in ways babies funny normally flop), difficulty feeding, constipation, loss of facial expressions, difficulty breathing, and an altered cry.

Not all honey has the spores, and not all babies digest slowly and not all babies have microbiomes that will support the growth. If your baby accidentally gets honey, don't freak out, just watch for symptoms.

Seriously, there are only three factors besides age that indicated severity and likelihood of getting infant botulism; number of bowel movements and whether the child was born via C-section are two of them. Avoid antibiotics if at all possible, breastfeed, and stop sanitizing everything.

Discovered last year I couldn’t look at my 2015 MacBook Air without it triggering nausea and migraines, and figured the screen died. Have been getting by on my phone, but concluded I really need a laptop again.

Saved up, realised I could afford a brand new MacBook Neo, and got one.

-And I couldn’t spend more than five minutes looking at the screen without massive eye strain, nausea, vertigo, and if I pushed it, I-need-to-lie-down-in-a-dark-room-for-hours migraines.

Looking up MacBook and Eyestrain explained what is going on. The liquid retina displays that Apple currently has uses Pulse Width Modulation or PWM. In order to give the screens a deeper depth of colour and contrast, PWM flickers between several hundred to thousand times a second.

And there is currently no way to turn it off. There are settings and apps to reduce it, but there is no way to stop the screen from flickering. Checked Apple forums, called Apple Support, and the time I could look at the screen kept shrinking. Got the laptop Tuesday, returned it Friday, today is Sunday and I’m still dealing with a vertigo migraine.

For MacBooks, it seems to vary on the computer model and the software it uses. In retrospect, the issue with my MacBook Air started after a major software update.

And it’s not just an Apple thing. Current Windows and Android screens do the same thing. There’s even a Reddit for people who are sensitive to PWM flickers to help find computers and screens that won’t trigger eyestrain and headaches.

So, yeah. This week has been a learning experience. But for those who are prone to headaches and migraines, this may be something to be aware of, cause I was not.

If the above stretch ain’t compatible with you for reasons like having bitch ass knees, here are some alternative and amazing stretches for the muscle in order of easiest to hardest (but imo least to most helpful) to perform:

However, just keep in mind that none of these stretches will help you if you have a herniated disc, which compresses the nerve roots that protrude from the spine itself! For that you’ll for sure need some different medical intervention.

The sciatic nerve is found under the piriformis in most individuals, but many individuals have bodies that didn't read the textbook; the sciatic nerve can be found superficial to the piriformis, or even running through the middle of the muscle itself. These cases have very high rates of piriformis syndrome.

The stretch William Defoe is doing can actually help with true sciatica as well as piriformis syndrome because it adds space between the facettes of the vertebrae, which pigeon pose and figure fours do not. You can also do pigeon pose while standing (imagine the last of the three positions but upright and with the folded leg set on a table or the back of a couch.)

Dude showed up 35 minutes late. Did not fill out paperwork beforehand.

Said he just came from the gym and hand put it in his schedule wrong.

He was not recently at the gym; he was sweating alcohol. He was on my table DRUNK. DO NOT COME DRUNK TO A MASSAGE.

He didn't sit down in the relaxation lounge that is Right There once he was changed. Instead, he went down the hall and decided the room he was supposed to be in was our wet room. No. Wait for your therapist/service provider to pick you up from the waiting room.

Also, saw the shower in the wet room and asked if he could use it afterwards. No. It's not located in the public facilities, so it is attached to a service, which you are not getting, and I have already told you I don't have extra time. I cannot stay and clean that behind him, even if I had that as an add on option?

Asked him if there was anything to focus on or avoid and he said no.

Walked in on him doing boat pose on the table. This wasn't a Thai massage; he was naked.

After I started working on him, he THEN told me not to work on places I was working on.

Also asked me if he could have his full time back. Again. No. I have to go home. I have a family memorial to be at.

Asked to turn on the table warmer and take off the heavier comforter — fine, acceptable; we have dark sheets that do not let you see through. This is not okay at every location.

Kept trying to interlace fingers while I was working on his hands. Again, pretty sure he was drunk.

Started working on his legs. He spread his legs further apart. This does happen on occasion and is irritating. I need people's legs in a relaxed position so I can work on the muscles. When you V your legs the inside of them are very taught and nothing I do will help relax them.

I reset his legs to | |. Went back to V.

Randomly started stretching as I was working on him. He, again, was naked. The stretching shifted the drape and I saw his whole butt, from top of the crack to his balls. This would not be the last time.

Specifically asked for stretching during his massage, but normally you let the therapist do their job instead of randomly stretching whenever you feel like it??? To prevent just this issue?????

Also the stretch that he did was specifically not conducive to prone position. He essentially turned face up while I was working on his hamstrings. Shockingly, this does not make hamstring massage easier.

Turned him face up and he leaned forward off the table to look and see if there was any water. In the massage room.

When I did turn him face up, he couldn't keep still enough that the crap stayed in place. He would stretch an arm and the drape would shift lower. He'd put his arm back and push the drape with it. And it wasn't like he was trying to expose more skin, because he would pull it in different directions. I frequently went back and adjusted the drap. Probably a solid five minutes of this 45 minute massage was just trying to not see his penis. I saw his penis. Many times.

Started working on the front of his legs, did the stretching thing again. I cannot massage your quads when they are touching your abdomen.

I released his psoas, and then he spent several minutes in a crunch position trying to figure out what his psoas actually was.

Afterwards, I massaged his abdomen, specifically around his diaphragm, and he started helping??? Like, he was also massaging it??? By his ribs??? Why.

When I worked up his ribs, my knuckles popped and he thought it was his ribs and asked me to do it again because it felt good. Not a chiropractor, can't do that, and also, those were my knuckles, you didn't feel anything.

Worked on his chest, he whispered that he didn't like one of the stretches in my ear. 1, that's what you asked for, 2, don't. whisper like that. It's Weird.

Also didn't tell me ahead of time that he had shoulder surgery on one shoulder twice and should've had it on the other. Please tell me about your injuries.

Fully sits up as I am working on his neck and upper shoulders so I could show him where his rhomboids were. Those were the muscles I was currently working on.

Asked me to go back to his legs and do more around his hips and pelvic bowl. Fine, yeah. Asked for a lomi lomi drape (loincloth style) so I could do some runs from the top of his hips around to his glutes. Okay. Crunched up and LOOKED AT ME WHILE I WAS BETWEEN HIS LEGS???? 🫪🫪🫪

Pulled off the drape covering his very soft penis because it just "felt more natural"?????????

(was it soft because he didn't think it was sexual or because he was too drunk to become erect the world will never know)

At this point, I don't know if it's a sex thing — I very firmly tell him that it is not appropriate and he will need to lead the premises if he makes it sexual — or if he's just got zero normal boundaries. Or if he's just still drunk.

If I was sure it wasn't a sex thing, it honestly wouldn't have even been a thing because I'd already seen his penis, like, 18 times.

Finish, get done, meet him with fresh water. His robe is not fully closed. His penis is out for me and the esthetician who is also across the hall to see. He doesn't even notice????

Tries to pay for the massage with me while still in his robe.

Apparently brought, like, $600 in cash?????? I mean, I like cash as much as the next person, but that is unnecessary. Also you pay at the front desk, you don't need to bring it into the room.

Was very apologetic as he was leaving, not for the potential sexual assault but for showing up late.

Gonna suggest:

Or

Dude showed up 35 minutes late. Did not fill out paperwork beforehand.

Said he just came from the gym and hand put it in his schedule wrong.

He was not recently at the gym; he was sweating alcohol. He was on my table DRUNK. DO NOT COME DRUNK TO A MASSAGE.

He didn't sit down in the relaxation lounge that is Right There once he was changed. Instead, he went down the hall and decided the room he was supposed to be in was our wet room. No. Wait for your therapist/service provider to pick you up from the waiting room.

Also, saw the shower in the wet room and asked if he could use it afterwards. No. It's not located in the public facilities, so it is attached to a service, which you are not getting, and I have already told you I don't have extra time. I cannot stay and clean that behind him, even if I had that as an add on option?

Asked him if there was anything to focus on or avoid and he said no.

Walked in on him doing boat pose on the table. This wasn't a Thai massage; he was naked.

After I started working on him, he THEN told me not to work on places I was working on.

Also asked me if he could have his full time back. Again. No. I have to go home. I have a family memorial to be at.

Asked to turn on the table warmer and take off the heavier comforter — fine, acceptable; we have dark sheets that do not let you see through. This is not okay at every location.

Kept trying to interlace fingers while I was working on his hands. Again, pretty sure he was drunk.

Started working on his legs. He spread his legs further apart. This does happen on occasion and is irritating. I need people's legs in a relaxed position so I can work on the muscles. When you V your legs the inside of them are very taught and nothing I do will help relax them.

I reset his legs to | |. Went back to V.

Randomly started stretching as I was working on him. He, again, was naked. The stretching shifted the drape and I saw his whole butt, from top of the crack to his balls. This would not be the last time.

Specifically asked for stretching during his massage, but normally you let the therapist do their job instead of randomly stretching whenever you feel like it??? To prevent just this issue?????

Also the stretch that he did was specifically not conducive to prone position. He essentially turned face up while I was working on his hamstrings. Shockingly, this does not make hamstring massage easier.

Turned him face up and he leaned forward off the table to look and see if there was any water. In the massage room.

When I did turn him face up, he couldn't keep still enough that the crap stayed in place. He would stretch an arm and the drape would shift lower. He'd put his arm back and push the drape with it. And it wasn't like he was trying to expose more skin, because he would pull it in different directions. I frequently went back and adjusted the drap. Probably a solid five minutes of this 45 minute massage was just trying to not see his penis. I saw his penis. Many times.

Started working on the front of his legs, did the stretching thing again. I cannot massage your quads when they are touching your abdomen.

I released his psoas, and then he spent several minutes in a crunch position trying to figure out what his psoas actually was.

Afterwards, I massaged his abdomen, specifically around his diaphragm, and he started helping??? Like, he was also massaging it??? By his ribs??? Why.

When I worked up his ribs, my knuckles popped and he thought it was his ribs and asked me to do it again because it felt good. Not a chiropractor, can't do that, and also, those were my knuckles, you didn't feel anything.

Worked on his chest, he whispered that he didn't like one of the stretches in my ear. 1, that's what you asked for, 2, don't. whisper like that. It's Weird.

Also didn't tell me ahead of time that he had shoulder surgery on one shoulder twice and should've had it on the other. Please tell me about your injuries.

Fully sits up as I am working on his neck and upper shoulders so I could show him where his rhomboids were. Those were the muscles I was currently working on.

Asked me to go back to his legs and do more around his hips and pelvic bowl. Fine, yeah. Asked for a lomi lomi drape (loincloth style) so I could do some runs from the top of his hips around to his glutes. Okay. Crunched up and LOOKED AT ME WHILE I WAS BETWEEN HIS LEGS???? 🫪🫪🫪

Pulled off the drape covering his very soft penis because it just "felt more natural"?????????

(was it soft because he didn't think it was sexual or because he was too drunk to become erect the world will never know)

At this point, I don't know if it's a sex thing — I very firmly tell him that it is not appropriate and he will need to lead the premises if he makes it sexual — or if he's just got zero normal boundaries. Or if he's just still drunk.

If I was sure it wasn't a sex thing, it honestly wouldn't have even been a thing because I'd already seen his penis, like, 18 times.

Finish, get done, meet him with fresh water. His robe is not fully closed. His penis is out for me and the esthetician who is also across the hall to see. He doesn't even notice????

Tries to pay for the massage with me while still in his robe.

Apparently brought, like, $600 in cash?????? I mean, I like cash as much as the next person, but that is unnecessary. Also you pay at the front desk, you don't need to bring it into the room.

Was very apologetic as he was leaving, not for the potential sexual assault but for showing up late.

Gonna suggest:

Or