Proprietary Journal

I wake up almost 3:00 in the morning because of such a bad dream. A dream about my dad who’s in my dream I killed. It’s totally my worst dream in my entire life of sleeping. I just can’t lose my dad even if I hate him and don’t respect him sometimes. I think I’m not ready if that time comes because I love my dad. I may not show affections directly that I love him because to a daughter like me, it’s awkward you know. I know it’s not a valid reason but I’m not that type of a person who is so lovey-dubby to his father. I’m just being true to myself. Anyways, about my school life, still miserable. I’m still trying to keep my veins alive. Trying to breath, talk and act like a free bird. Some of my days is happy and some are not so. There is a part of me that is angry with my ex-friends and the other one is guilty because even if how many times I try to hate them I should not say shits behind their back. They are my friends and forever going to be a part of me. It’s getting worst and worst every day. I just can’t sit and look on what is happening on our friendship there. Slowly it is fading and like what Aica said (Aica is one of my loyal friends) it’s like where solid at first and now were turning into an apart liquid. Also like her, wishing that our friendship would not end up into a farewell like gas. I wish this would be over now. I can’t smile and act like I’m real happy while seeing ourselves hurting each other. There’s a thick glass between us which making us no longer connect to one another. I hope someday that glass will break and for that so we can bring back our friendship.

Mydays are like flash, it’s so fast that you can’t even feel them. I go to school, try to be reproductive, then try to survive, have some chit chats with friends, and then go home. Nowadays, it’s been my routine. I can feel that I’m going to be okay with what I’m doing right now in my life. Since, my other “friends” are having their own businesses; I must do my own too.  Everything has changed. My “called friends” are starting to change their attitude towards me (not only me) but also to my other friends.  I think I’m not the only one who can sense the changes in our friendship. We feel that we are being left behind by our co-friends and I don’t think that’s the right thing for a friend to do. Especially if you’re really a true friend, who cares on what other might feel. They’re starting to act like they’re in the other world and we’re not belong to that group. Make their own series of conversation that the three of them only know what the topic about. Leaving us and have their own moment. And now, were out of place again. I just hope that someday they’ll going to realize that they almost left us behind. That they’re starting to forget our friendship, the friendship that we had all built. Hoping that we can still get back those days we are before. The days that were unite like brothers and sisters loving each other. Sharing and connecting one another. I hope that I can still get back that time.

Normally, I woke up at this time and thinkabout many things. About how is going on in school life, peoples, problems, andsometimes awaken in two sides of daydreams. Plus, if ever I forgot to do my homework’s that night (because of some nappy problems that I cannot defy) so at least I still have the time to do it the next morning. My friends are absent yesterday. Besides of taking entrance exam in a university (that can be found in the city which we all live) it’s the fact that they have to leave school that day and two of my friends have to ditch in class in the main reason of they’re all going to see The Vamps (a band composed of 4 hot boys). Sadly, it’s so far from where we live over where the boys are in now. But no one can ever stop them. Even if some of my friends cannot afford the fare to go there, they still find a way. It’s they’re priority in life. I don’t want to contradict they’re priorities but I don’t think that they have chosen the right choice. I thought they’re aiming to be on top but don’t find a way to get that goal. Is it because they are already a smart one so they don’t have to effort? Or is it because they do not care? It’s all up to them what they want to do in their own lives. I’m just a friend that the job is to care for them because hey, is it what a friend really do?

Hey! this my very first blog to type and I'm so happy that I overcome to have one. I've waited for almost a long time to have courage to publish my journals to public. Who those ulterior journals of mine are the things I write only in paper become upgraded like technologies. (Woah! haha) At the very beginning, I really desire to share my life in the internet world, just to relish my personal stuffs to other. Now, it's a dream come true.