sh*t my husband says @marriagetalks - Tumblr Blog

Him: *changing the baby*

Baby: *sneezes*

Him: Bless you! You are sneezy and happy today. Our sneezy, happy, naked boy.

Me: That's like half of the 7 dwarfs.

Me: ... wait no.

#husband and wife #parenthood #snow white and the seven dwarfs #stupid humor

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Me: We need to get some doggy toothpaste.

Him: (half deaf, with headphones on) The dog tooted?

Me: No, we need toothpaste.

Him: I don't think toothpaste is gonna help.

Me: He needs it!

Him: Not unless you shove it up his butt.

Me: He. Needs. Toothpaste.

Him: Yeah, but how will that help his toots?

#husband and wife #marriage

Him: I had a good dream.

Me: (thinking it'll be something about us or our kiddos) oh yeah?

Him: I dreamed the Mythbusters went to the moon.

#marriage #husband and wife #mythbusters #pillow talk

itspileofgoodthings

She said eldest daughters marry youngest sons.

marriagetalks

not me doing the math and realizing I am an eldest daughter married to a youngest son!!!!

#taylor swift #tloas

The baby: *toots up a storm*

Him: Yep... he really is my son.

#husband and wife #parenthood

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Him (looking at our new baby): He's kind of a turd.

Me: A cute turd.

Him: Yeah. A cute turd.

Him (to the baby): You're the reason the poop emoji is smiling.

#marriage #husband and wife #parenthood

"I guess I could get behind monsterfucking if it was, like, a sexy ghost." - Husband

kaity--did

you dumb dumbs don't need AI to come up with ideas, you just need a husband who's had 2 glasses of wine and an innate desire to make you happy.

kaity--did

"I asked chat gpt" yeah while I asked my husband how I could build a Halloween arch and now he's on the porch with a glass of red wine and a measuring tape at 10:30 pm on August 2nd

#not our hilarity

Husband looked over my shoulder while I was playing Stardew Valley and saw the character I am determined to romance.

Him: Hey! He looks like me if I didn't have the beard.

Me: .... (had not realized this at all)

Me: .... (suddenly considering my life choices)

Me: Aren't you flattered your wife has a type?

(It's Harvey, if you must know.)

#marriage #husband and wife #stardew valley

fuckyeahchinesefashion

OP: My dad insisted on betting me 20 yuan he could do a handstand... with both hands.

mias-back-from-the-dead

i cannot emphasize enough how 20 yuan is less than 3 US dollars

naamahdarling

Please note at the end where the sandal has landed.

#not our hilarity #but this could be us someday

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A real text conversation between Husband and me:

Him: I am 🚿🥖

Me: wet bread?

Me: shower baguette?

Him: 🚰🥖

Me: waterbread

Him: drainbread

Me: DRAINBREAD

#marriage #husband and wife

thememedaddy

#not our hilarity

alexanderwales

I think any marriage needs its running jokes, ones that you can repeat with variations, or make callbacks too.

One of my favorite bits is describing the romcoms I watch to my wife as though I have never heard of a narrative in my life.

"She runs a small plane company, and he's from a major airline trying to shut her down, so it's really anyone's guess what's going to happen."

"Get this, he's a stuffy office dork and she's a free spirit, and they end up stuck in the same cabin on a cruise. Sounds like a disaster, right?"

"They've decided to pair up and be each other's plus one at a series of weddings to feel less pathetic, but it's not like they like each other or anything."

So I told my wife that I hoped she would still enjoy me doing this bit forty years from now, and she smiled and held my hand and said that she'd never liked it, not even the first time.

#not our hilarity

This is Peña, sometimes called Peanut, mostly called Butt Man or Stupid Idiot. He often ignores when we get packages, but he barks when I close the dryer door. He shuts himself in the bedroom at least once a week. His hobbies are sleeping and finding the perfect spot to poop. He's very dumb and only has about half his teeth left, but we love this elderly, asthmatic man.

#peña the dog #dog #dogs of tumblr #dogblr

marriagetalks

We are on the sofa watching DS9. He knows that I'm not a big fan of Quark-centric episodes.

Him: You mind if I put on "The Nagus" next?

Me: Go for it. I was thinking of grabbing my embroidery though.

Him: Embroider that Nagus.

Me: ... that's not a bad idea.

Calling it a night. Here's how far I got by the end of the episode.

marriagetalks

What have I done????

#ds9 #star trek #embroidery

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We are on the sofa watching DS9. He knows that I'm not a big fan of Quark-centric episodes.

Him: You mind if I put on "The Nagus" next?

Me: Go for it. I was thinking of grabbing my embroidery though.

Him: Embroider that Nagus.

Me: ... that's not a bad idea.

Calling it a night. Here's how far I got by the end of the episode.

#ds9 #star trek #embroidery

"Butts! I mean. Bye!" - Husband leaving the house for work this morning.

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sh*t my husband says