Marriage Is...

Hi guys.

2018 has not been kind to my husband and I. Since December, we’ve had four family members die - including his mother, suddenly & when she was only 56. It’s completely unreal, the things we are going through.

I wish I had something eloquent to say. But I’ll just say this: marriage is HARD. It’s a struggle every day to talk through the pain and find real communication and connection. It’s a struggle to remember times can be good again. I’m starting to understand why couples divorce.

BUT, we get there, every single day. And every day, we still manage to laugh - which I think, quite frankly, is a feat unto itself.

This is the stuff they don’t put in vows. The hard times you literally cannot imagine. This is why I stand by marriage is NOT for everyone, or for the feint of heart.

But, it is for me. And despite the fact it’s mostly his family that’s been affected - despite the fact I’m being asked to mother a family I’m still getting to know - I’m glad I’m here.

Hi all. 

Well, about three weeks ago, my mother-in-law passed away unexpectedly. We brought her to the hospital on Christmas due to cancer complications, and she was gone five days later. 

She was 56. 

I try to keep this blog light and funny, but to be honest, there’s not much funny these days - although we still do our best to find the light. 

Obviously in this blog I talk about what marriage is. Well, I’m learning a whole new side to what marriage is through this experience of losing a parent when we’re only 26. 

My father-in-law told my husband once that marriage is suffering together. We both thought it was funny, but it’s also true. 

Marriage is having to sit and hold the hand of someone going through something more horrible than you had ever imagined. 

Marriage is crying together when there is no right thing to say. 

Marriage is trying to figure out how to be kind to each other - and to yourself - in the wake of tragedy. 

Marriage is loving someone as fiercely as you can, knowing that that love cannot be returned right now, because the weight of the rest of it is too much for them to give you anything in return. 

Well, this is just me, but honestly, if you feel so uncomfortable with her and him, I think you need to think about why YOU feel that way - not about what’s going on with her and him. I think the distinction between male and female friends is (for the most part) irrelevant. 

My husband has predominantly female friends. He gets lunch with them, talks to them - sometimes about me - etc. If you’re uncomfortable with it, there’s probably an insecurity within you that needs to be addressed, and I think it’s most helpful to focus on fixing that, because that’s something you CAN fix. It’s unfair to ask someone to give up their friends for you - no one should have to make that choice. However, you can talk to him about why you feel uncomfortable - that’s of course something that you can and should do, once you take the time to think about WHY you actually feel that way. 

Now, I don’t know how your relationship is set up, but every relationship has established rules. It’s different for every couple, and I think it’s common that something that would fly in one relationship - for example, discussing issues within the relationship with a friend - might not fly in another. Have you established those rules with him? If not, then he might not know, and it’s just a communication issue. 

Set the rules - TOGETHER - make it clear that you both are to keep them, then understand that, if someone breaks those rules, there’s going to be a confrontation. 

Him to me: You’re MY favorite person:

(10 seconds pass in silence)

Me: I mean, maybe it’s Stockholm syndrome but I don’t think so anymore.

The other day, some coworkers commented on how young I was when I got married, and I said:

Me: I don't know, I mean --

I’ve entered into the age where it seems like everyone is getting engaged, getting married, having children. Many of my single friends are therefore freaking out, wondering when they will find someone or if they will ever find someone. 

But what I’ve noticed is that, for a lot of people, it’s almost like marriage is seen as a solution to a problem. Don’t want to feel alone? Find someone to marry. Don’t feel “complete”? Find someone who “completes you.” 

But like, marriage does not solve problems. If anything, it creates more. Marriage is work. I call it my second full-time job. It’s far more difficult to be married and constantly working through things with another person -- particularly in your 20s -- than it is to be single or even have a boyfriend.

 Being married has not solved any of my insecurities or even bouts of loneliness. I love being married, and I love my husband, but you can’t ask someone to fix those things for you. To do so is extremely unfair, and it’s setting yourself up for failure, in my opinion. I imagine it’s the same for having children. You can’t have a child to fix a problem -- to get someone to stay with you, to feel loved, to feel needed. 

It’s funny, because a lot of my friends say I’m the best salesperson for marriage, because I go on & on about all of the perks when talking to them (someone to do half the housework, regular sex, someone to pay half the bills, etc.). But, I’m actually not an advocate for marriage for all. It’s a very specific type of relationship that I really think isn’t right for a lot of people, and that’s fine.  

I hate seeing people getting married for the sake of it, or because they seem to think it’s a prerequisite to the rest of their life.  hate that so many friends seem to think their accomplishments don’t matter until they hit that milestone, or like their life isn’t enough until they have someone. 

Marriage is not a solution; it’s just another layer on top of your life.