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the original got flagged with no way to appeal it when every contributor is deactivated but I will never let this post die. it's monday and we are getting on it cunts
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synopsis: in which itoshi rin becomes an english teacher for blue lock and immediately regrets every life decision that led him to this exact moment.
starring: itoshi rin, bachira meguru, isagi yoichi, chigiri hyoma, nagi seishiro, barou shoei, gagamaru gin
a/n: this was supposed to be a simple english lesson. good luck. bring snacks. and maybe a fire extinguisher ^^
LESSON 0: INTRODUCTIONS
“alright,” rin muttered, arms crossed, already ten seconds away from quitting.
then, in careful, crisp english, he asked: “let’s start simple. what english words do you already know?”
he should’ve known better. immediately, bachira threw his hand into the air like he was summoning lightning.
“boobies!”
rin didn’t blink. “sit down.”
barou grunted next. “dominate.”
“…of course you do.”
chigiri leaned back, twirling his hair. “slay.”
rin blinked. “that’s slang, not vocabulary. sit down, tiktok.”
from somewhere under a hoodie, nagi mumbled, “nap.”
“that’s not english. that’s your entire personality.”
isagi sat up straighter, eyes gleaming with misguided pride. “i know ‘devour.’”
rin turned to him slowly. “why.”
“i say it every morning in the mirror.”
“…right. so none of you know normal words. like hello. or apple.”
barou scoffed. “why would i say apple when i can say obliterate?”
“because apple won’t get you arrested.”
he dragged a hand down his face. “alright. gagamaru?”
gagamaru blinked and sat up like a soldier reporting for duty. everyone turned. for a brief, foolish moment, rin believed.
then gagamaru spoke. “alright. let’s start simple. what english words do you already know?”
rin turned to stare at the corner of the room like he was considering walking into it and never turning around.
LESSON 1: VERBS
rin picked up the marker with a scowl and one visible vein pulsing in his forehead, he scrawled across the board in massive, angry letters:
verb = action word.
“a verb is something you do. like… ‘run.’ or ‘eat.’ got it?”
“for example,” rin gritted out. “i kick the ball. that’s a verb. kick. easy.”
he pointed the marker at them like a threat. “you. give me a verb.”
bachira flung his hand into the air. “i bounce!”
rin blinked. “…that’s… actually correct.”
“i bounce toward danger!”
“there it is.”
barou crossed his arms. “i dominate.”
rin sighed. “you’ve said that in response to literally everything.”
“because it’s always true.”
chigiri leaned back. “zoom.”
“that’s not a verb.”
“i zoom all the time.”
“you’re not a racecar!”
isagi raised a finger. “i overthink.”
rin groaned. “congratulations. that’s finally a real verb. and also a cry for help.”
“i overthought whether to say that, actually.”
nagi mumbled into his sleeve, “i run.”
rin perked up slightly. “hey. finally. a normal verb.”
nagi didn’t look up. “yeah. i wanna run.”
rin nodded. “good. that’s the spirit.”
then nagi added, deadpan, “run away from this boring-ass class and never come back.”
the room went completely silent.
bachira leaned forward. “wait. that actually sounds amazing.”
chigiri nodded. “if we sprint now, he can’t catch all of us.”
isagi whispered, “there’s an emergency exit behind the gym.”
barou cracked his knuckles. “i’ll punch the fire alarm.”
then gagamaru, “i’ll eat the evidence.”
rin snapped the whiteboard marker in half like it was a glowstick of rage.
“SIT. DOWN. ALL OF YOU.”
they froze. chigiri muttered, “damn, okay, drill sergeant…”
rin turned slowly to gagamaru. “please. don’t repeat what i said again.”
gagamaru sat up like he was about to be deployed. “i won’t.”
rin narrowed his eyes. “then what’s a verb?”
gagamaru paused. the entire class could see the loading wheel spinning in his head.
then, with full, unshakable confidence, he said: “fork.”
rin blinked. “…fork?”
gagamaru nodded solemnly. “i fork.”
“you—what does that even mean?”
“like, when i use a fork. i fork.”
rin just stared. “that’s not—no. that’s not how that works.”
“but it’s an action. i’m forking.”
“please stop saying forking.”
“i fork all the time.”
“stop.”
gagamaru leaned back, completely unbothered. “you asked for an action. i provided.”
“that’s not a verb, that’s a cry for educational reform.”
“fork,” gagamaru whispered again, like it meant something.
rin dropped the second marker.
“okay. moving on before i lose consciousness.”
LESSON 2: PAST TENSE
rin wrote “i run → i ran” on the board, underlining it hard enough to almost snap the marker in half.
“see?” he said, already exhausted. “easy. present becomes past. you take the verb and adjust it.”
he turned to face the class. “now you try. give me a verb in past tense.”
isagi raised his hand, cautiously hopeful. “i score…d?”
rin nodded. “okay. acceptable.”
isagi puffed up like a proud golden retriever. “i scored goals yesterday.”
“let’s not stretch the truth,” rin deadpanned.
from across the room, bachira waved his arm like he was flagging down a plane. “ooh! i... explodated!”
rin turned so slowly it looked like a horror movie shot. “that’s not a word. do you mean exploded?”
bachira grinned. “yeah, but mine sounds cooler.”
“it sounds illegal.”
chigiri crossed his arms and flipped his hair. “i sprinted.”
rin nodded. “okay. that works.”
“i sprinted so hard,” chigiri said, “my responsibilities are still trying to catch up.”
rin muttered, “wish i could outrun this class.”
barou answered next without being asked. “i dominated.”
“god not again—”
“yesterday. today. tomorrow. i will always dominate.”
rin looked like he aged three years in five seconds. from the back row, nagi, eyes still closed, muttered, “i napped.”
rin sighed. “good. accurate.”
“i also gave up,” nagi added. “past, present, and future.”
rin just groaned. “gagamaru. you?”
gagamaru sat up like a toaster had popped inside his brain. eyes wide. posture weirdly perfect. confidence through the roof.
“i chewed.”
“…okay. acceptable. chewed what?”
gagamaru paused.
then, softly, he said, “not important.”
rin squinted. “is it something a human being shouldn’t chew?”
gagamaru didn’t answer.
bachira leaned in. “was it metal?”
gagamaru shrugged. “depends on your definition of metal.”
rin dropped the marker again.
LESSON 3: FUTURE TENSE
“final exercise,” rin said, barely hanging on to the last thread of his sanity. “use ‘will’ in a sentence. future tense. one sentence. that’s it.”
he should’ve known better. bachira raised his hand first, grinning like a little gremlin.
“i will dance on barou’s grave.”
barou didn’t even blink. “i will drag you to hell with me.”
“see you there,” bachira beamed.
rin massaged his temples. from the corner, nagi mumbled, “i will nap.”
“shocking,” rin muttered. “truly groundbreaking grammar.”
“i’m consistent,” nagi yawned.
somewhere in the back, chigiri was typing something aggressively into his phone.
“i will file a complaint with the ministry of education.”
“i’ll help you draft it,” rin said, already done with life.
then isagi, too serious for someone barely passing: “i will combust.”
rin took a deep breath. “correct. anyway, i will walk into the ocean and let the tide claim me.”
rin suddenly looked around the room.
“…where’s gagamaru?”
everyone paused.
then—BOOM.
a deep, echoing bang rattled the windows. rin flinched so hard he dropped his marker.
“…what,” he asked flatly, “was that.”
the door creaked open. gagamaru walked in, completely covered in soot and mysterious flecks of tinfoil. his eyebrows were slightly singed. he looked proud.
“sorry, sensei,” he said. “i misread the english label.”
rin squinted. “what did it say?”
“‘do not microwave metal.’”
rin closed his eyes. “AND?”
“i thought it said, ‘go microwave metal.’ so i did.”
there was a beat of pure silence.
“YOU MICROWAVED A SPOON?” rin asked, praying that was the worst of it.
“and a fork,” gagamaru added cheerfully.
rin stared at him, hands slowly rising to his face. then he let out the deepest, most guttural scream a man has ever produced into his palms.
“I AM DONE. I’M DONE TEACHING. I’M DONE SPEAKING. I’M DONE EXISTING IN THE SAME ZIP CODE AS THIS CLASSROOM.”
he turned back to the board and screamed:
“I’LL SPOKE YOU ALL INTO HELL—PAST, PRESENT, AND FUTURE—”
class: advanced english (barely)
teacher: itoshi “why am i here” rin
form: anonymous (but obviously not)
BACHIRA MEGURU
q: what did you enjoy about this class?
“watching rin glitch in real time whenever i said ‘explodated.’ beautiful.”
q: any feedback for your teacher?
“he should try giggling once. just once. for his soul.”
ISAGI YOICHI
q: what did you learn in this class?
“apparently ‘overthinked’ isn’t a word. but now i overthink saying ‘overthought’ instead.”
q: suggestions for improvement?
“give us a grammar therapy dog. rin can share it.”
CHIGIRI HYOMA
q: describe your teacher in one word.
“constipated.”
q: favorite part of class?
“when rin sighed so hard the lights flickered. i felt that.”
BAROU SHOEI
q: any thoughts on mr. rin’s teaching style?
“GARBAGE. ABSOLUTE GARBAGE. HE TEACHES LIKE HE’S BEING HELD HOSTAGE. ZERO PASSION. NO POWER. WHEN I WALK INTO CLASS, I EXPECT TO BE DOMINATED BY KNOWLEDGE. INSTEAD I’M DOMINATED BY SILENCE, DISAPPOINTMENT, AND HIS WEAK-ASS POSTURE.”
q: anything the teacher could do better?
“YEAH. FOR STARTERS, SPEAK LIKE YOU HAVE A LUNGS. STOP GRADING MY PAPERS LIKE THEY PERSONALLY OFFENDED YOU. THEY DIDN’T. PROBABLY. WRITE BIGGER, I’M NOT DECODING YOUR TINY CURSIVE LIKE IT’S A SECRET MESSAGE FROM HELL. AND FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING, TELL GAGAMARU TO STOP EATING SCHOOL SUPPLIES. HE BIT MY PEN. WHILE I WAS USING IT. WHO DOES THAT. PUT HIM IN A CAGE OR ANOTHER CLASS. I’M NOT TAKING ENGLISH NEXT TO A MAN WHO CHEWS ON STAPLERS.”
NAGI SEISHIRO
q: how would you rate this class?
“would’ve been better unconscious.”
q: did the teacher support your learning?
“yeah. he left me alone. 10/10.”
GAGAMARU GIN
q: what’s one thing you took away from this class?
“you can’t put a spoon in the microwave.”
q: final thoughts?
“i blinked once and he caught me eating tape. i think he's part owl.”
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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