No one else has to understand your journey. It can seemingly be a lonely road to clarity and self - compassion on this road-of-life…at least that’s what I’m finding as of late.
3 weeks into my relocation to Bali, Indonesia, I’m uncovering more and more of the inner complexities of what I’ve been experiencing and what I’ve recently undergone.
After 7 years of living a certain a lifestyle in Santa Monica, in one fellow swoop, it was all unraveled and gone. Meaning my apartment was no longer mine, my car was sold, many belongings I donated , my furniture given away, my bike … And then there was my beloved dogs. After many years of caring for them and sharing a lot of love and time together; after many many failed attempts to arrange temporary care for them while I was away, I had to make the heart- breaking decision to turn them over to animal/ rescue organizations. No one could have prepared me for what that actual surrendering process was going to be like. I, today, liken it to having a limb torn away from me - where did it go? It was just there?! How did this actually happen? There’s this intellectual understanding of what I needed to do in order to move forward with my relocation but with matters of the heart … Well that’s a more complex, unraveling process than I could have ever imagined.
What I’m uncovering is that I have just undergone a major death - a divorce from an old yet beloved lifestyle - a severing of a deep love and way of being together. I’ve tried forcing my mind and heart into ‘acceptance’ of what now IS but ‘grief’….it has its own time and way. I’m learning to embrace my sadness and grief with openness and compassion. There doesn’t need to be anything ‘wrong’ with me or ‘repelling’ as I go through this experience. I see how I can view this natural process as ‘disgusting’ (aka ‘I ’ am disgusting’ ) or unacceptable ; something to be rid of quickly and let’s-get-back-to-‘happy’ -and-‘light’. I see people around me too trying to cover up my grief process by throwing wisdoms my way or some type of intellectual reasoning. Good intentioned , yes. But Perhaps we’re collectively uncomfortable with messiness and unraveling.
I really do believe that I have to ’ feel’ these complicated and hard emotions in order to heal and move forward to the next level of my life. I do not know where they are leading me and that feels scary. It’s not necessarily fun nor do I see myself as very attractive as I go through this messiness. But perhaps the beauty lies in the ‘vulnerability’ just as beautiful diamonds are made under intense heat and pressure.
In watching again last night the movie, ‘Eat , Pray, Love’ , I was reminded of that difficult life experience of … Sometimes we leave behind people we love (aka animals) as we move forward to the next chapter. Yes, it feels badly. There are a cascade of emotions such as guilt, shame, self-doubt, remorse, confusion , sadness , worry , etc. to walk through; to sit with; to confront ; show compassion towards. And …this too shall pass and will somehow bring benefits to all parties.., even If it hurts right now.
Truthfully, I think I’ve held back on making certain life changes for a long time now because I could not bear the thought… I could not bear the guilt and sadness of separating from my beloveds. Yet, holding on because I’m afraid of going through the motions of change and transformation…well, this isn’t really being fair to all of us either. Who’s to say that there isn’t something better on the other side- even if we aren’t together? Trusting in the greater order of life takes courage…especially while we’re standing ‘in the hallway ‘… Not sure of what’s next .
So, Back to my original thought….no one else has to fully understand. And sometimes this feels lonely. But perhaps me sharing it here will reach out to those who need it. And ..„ I’m sending you lots of love and strength. Wherever you are on your path, I somehow know you’re ‘rockin’ it. God bless.
jacobvanloon
gummygunk
baratheonpilled
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titsay
stormborns
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turnnoffyourmind
