marinabook

Dear Friends

Holy BELLS! It’s been 5 weeks since I posted. My life has suddenly gotten very busy after floating around like a little lost lamb for 18 months. I’ve been studying some psychology modules at uni, which I absolutely love, and I’m gearing up to test my ideas for my next musical project over Christmas. So, I'm going to use this site as a diar/ creative notepad over the next few months. There is a dream plan I have for marinabook, but I have no brain space right now to think about anything but music and psychology. I’m not sure if this is connected to the introvert/baseline level of arousal thing I talked about in this post but, god damn it!! My brain space/brain RAM can handle only so much thinking!

Today I finished the first term of uni and I felt a happiness I haven’t known for a very long time. I’m so full of glee I’m acting like I’ve LITERALLY GRADUATED (*goes to university once*). I went on a shopping spree 5 minutes after it, as if it were 2007 and I were blowing my student loan willy-nilly into ongoing traffic. Some people on this blog have asked me what it’s like going back to university as a mature student... Well, it’s pretty wonderful. I love using the library, which is in a beautiful part of central London, and I love being around people of all ages from different professions. It’s very refreshing and is a real comfort to me to know that the option to study new subjects will always be there throughout my adult life (The uni is tailored to part time degrees and evening classes, so you can study module by module if you like). I have some essays that I may adapt for this site, one discussing the extent to which personality is biological and another on attachment theory and how useful it is in explaining the origins of personality disorders. I had heard about Attachment Theory before,but after reading it in depth I've been interpreting behaviours in a completely different way. I think learning about attachment styles could be of benefit to anyone. I would have loved to have worked in child or developmental psychology if I hadn’t been an artist. Hopefully I can combine both worlds one day.

Whilst I’m far from starting the next campaign, I’ve been thinking about how I can create a better life for myself as an artist, on a day-to-day level, but also how I can best spend my energy in contributing something positive or helpful. The privileges of making art for a living are so huge, but one of the things that I have always found difficult is a lack of routine, or consistency. Traditional album cycles were very off/on in the past; You made your album, created your visual world, went on promotion, then went off on tour and kissed goodbye to the sweet life you’d scratched out for yourself between albums. Then 2 years later it’s all over again, you’re faced with a big space and you feel strange trying to integrate yourself back into your old life. There is no 'how to' guide to mental health + being an artist. I’m going to try my best to do things differently this time. Some people enjoy the cycles, others work better with consistent medium-intensity work (i.e me). I like to work hard, but not *too* hard. What can I say... I enjoy my life...

Pic of me enjoying life. My kitten does not look like she’s enjoying hers particularly. RUDE.

In between music and creative posts, I might start doing introductory posts on topics I would like to explore more for MarinaBook, to gain a perspective on peoples thoughts and feelings before writing the actual piece (e.g. Millennial marriage + what role it plays for our generation). The motivation for me to write definitely lies in a format where readers can contribute their own questions or thoughts and make the project collaborative and human. Perhaps I could have a monthly guest post on here from a reader on a specific topic... I have a few ideas I’m going to trial so bear with me!

Whether in writing or music, what I love most is a feel of relation and connection with other people in the world. And it’s something I’ve missed as an artist in recent years, just talking freely and naturally with people. It's made me consider what kind of visual message I want to project going forward in order to be able to have more of this. Writing on this site has made me feel human again and I have you to thank for that! People have been so open and supportive. It’s not easy to write some of the posts - each one takes me literally 5 days because I write slower than snails crawl - and sometimes it feels unnatural/uncomfortable to be open. But the responses are worth it. Love reading your messages. Would like to do some talks again with you in 2018 (like the Oxford one last year) focusing more on the topics we discuss on here.

If this post reads like a highly frazzled person who hasn’t seen the sky for 4 days because she just finished her uni exams, that would be accurate. I miss you all a lot and look forward to talking more soon. I’m looking forward to the new year and creating a beautiful new project for you (and for me).

Love, Marina xxx

PS. Here is a little vid of me writing something.

Oh, Chance-The-Rapper-Parody-Account, how I adore thee...

I love being alone.

Does that look sad written down?

It does.

But it’s not.

Last night I was listening to a podcast about a student who was struggling to "be normal" by partaking in her college's nightlife, and I suddenly got flashbacks of the alienation I had felt in my twenties. I struggled to socialise in the same way that the rest of my peer group did and I had no idea why.

Until I read Susan Cain's book, "Quiet", I'd never thought anything about introversion. Based on what I'd read in mainstream media, extroverts were the cool party people and introverts were the shy weirdos. I didn't self-identify as an introvert - I was lively and talkative! - but I liked spending large periods of time alone. Nonetheless, I wanted to be a social butterfly with lots of friends, spreading my wings all over town. Who wanted to be a loner? Nobody. Who actually was a loner? Me!

I hid my love of solitude for a long time, which, hilariously, made me more awkward and anti-social. I felt guilty for declining social invitations (as if my mere absence would be threatening the rest of humanity's ability to have a great time). And society didn't exactly encourage solitude - it seemed anti-human and anti-community - so, I often thought "what the hell is up with me?". But as Susan Cain observes, "Introversion is not about being anti-social, it’s about being differently social". She states that "Introverts prefer quiet, minimally stimulating environments, while extroverts need higher levels of stimulation to feel their best". Reading her book made me feel less strange, and less alone. I realised that all the behaviours I felt awkward about were actually connected to preserving and generating energy in a different way to how extroverts do. This helped me to change how I structured my social and work life.

Illustration by Maxine Sarah

My Old Socialising Patterns

Meet a friend for dinner once a week.

Go on a complete rager every two weeks because I'd suddenly realise "Oh, I'm very lonely. I think I need other humans to feel human!".

Consume huge amounts of vodka.

Probably be sick when I get home because I knew zero about moderation.

Spend next day feeling elated and high off the sheer relief that I, Marina Diamandis, had survived a social event and could get back to the business of being alone.

(As you can imagine, I'm pretty relieved this is no longer my life).

I don't think any of us are 100% introvert or extrovert; we all share traits from both sides of the spectrum. But the way in which we gain energy is the signifier. Extroverts get their energy from being with other people, whereas introverts recharge when they're alone. According to Eysenck's psychophysical-based theory, introverts experience higher levels of arousal in their brain, so they don't seek or need the same levels of stimulation that extroverts do. Apparently, 30 - 50% of the are population classified as introverts, but because society favours extroverted traits, people adjust their behaviour accordingly. Extraversion has been rewarded somewhat in our culture so perhaps there is a healthy swing of the pendulum going on. Even so, there still seems to be a social stigma, or curiosity, about aloneness.

Since I was 21, I've gone on plenty of solo traveling trips. I never feel weird going for a swanky lunch by myself (though admittedly, this confidence has been hard won), and whenever I spot someone doing something on their own, I think "cool!", but I also think "brave". The bravery isn't related to doing stuff on your own, it's about defying the social expectations around you. The feeling that people may be looking at you, judging you, and casting assumptions about your "aloneness". And I'm not here to say "being alone is the best!" because it's not always, but sometimes doing trips on your own can teach you things about yourself that you wouldn't find out if you'd gone with others. (Also, vice versa).

I've been a bit nervous about writing about this subject, as I imagined people might say "But you’re not an introvert. You’re a performer. A very talkative, energetic performer!", to which I would reply, "Yes, but I spend most of my tours recharging alone in hotel rooms. Also - have you even heard my song "Solitaire"?!". If there is any kind of message in this post it's to go with the flow of your natural tendencies instead of resisting them for the sake of social expectations. If I could have known more about introversion in my twenties I would have spared myself a lot of unnecessary anguish. Sometimes partying is exactly what we need, other times a night alone is more valuable.

Over the years I've tried to find some deep, dark underlying reason for this "unnatural" character trait but I'm happy to say there isn’t really one. The only reason I can find is an ingrained social attitude that regards solitude as strange, sad or lonely. For anyone reading this who struggles with any of the above, just know there are lots of other people who feel exactly like you. We're all wired differently - and let me take a minute to thank God for my extrovert friends who introduce me to new people - otherwise I'd never meet anyone. Also, someone needs to set up an "Introverts Society" for crying out loud! Meetings can be held once a year (maximum. Via Skype. From the safety of our rooms.).

Share your experiences here.

All the below are available on iTunes.

  Kind World - 5-6 minute episodes. Intimate, life affirming stories about people whose lives have been changed by someone else.

  Note To Self - Presented by Manoush, the creator of “Moment” app. The latest episode “I Didn’t See Your Text” is amazing.

  Dear Sugar - Comforting, humanising podcast that focuses on all kinds of relationships.

  Philosophy Bites - Great 15 minute episodes on topics like laughter, gender, suicide notes, categorising mental disorders and more. 

  The School of Life - This isn’t a podcast, but their Youtube channel is a gold mine for anyone interested in self-development, psychology + philosophy applied to modern-day problems.

  Death, Sex and Money - Hosted by Anna Sale about the big questions and hard choices that are often left out of polite conversation.

“Beating depression is not about bad things happening to us but rather how we have learned to respond to life events - good or bad” 

 NB - This may be a useful article for those who believe their depression may be caused by negative thought patterns. But I want to reiterate: If you are suffering with any kind of mental health problem, always seek professional medical advice.

“Depression is 10 times more common in people born since 1945 compared to people born before 1945. So, ten times as many people are becoming depressed now as compared to fifty years ago (and this research takes into account increased reporting and public awareness). Biology doesn't change this fast. Genes don’t alter this rapidly - so this is a clue that clinical depression and its increase are more to do with the way society and lifestyles are changing. Depression is not an inevitable consequence of adverse life circumstances either, as only a minority of people exposed to difficult situations go on to develop clinical depression.

“So what is depression if not a result of chemical imbalances? The physical symptoms are real enough”

Depression is actually a state of high arousal. Depressed people have higher concentrations of stress hormones (cortisol, noradrenaline) than non-depressed people. The apathy and exhaustion seen in depressed people is a consequence of too much arousal, and the way the body and mind respond to this arousal. The way we respond to situations (with thoughts of hopelessness, helplessness, anxiety, anger, etc) affects the emotions we feel which in turn affect the chemicals which are released. But the emotionally aroused brain and the presence of stress hormones in turn affects how we think and feel - so it is a ‘two way street’. Thoughts and emotions affect chemical composition, and chemical composition affects thoughts and emotions. So, to sum up, beating depression is not about bad things happening to us but rather how we have learned to respond to life events - good or bad.

Clinical Depression is often said to be caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain, and this is what most drug treatments are based on. Certainly in many cases, there is a reduction in the amount of certain neurotransmitters found (serotonin and norepinephrine) in depressed people. However, low serotonin levels are simply another symptom of depression, not a cause. The more negative introspection you carry out, and the fewer pleasure-giving activities you participate in, the lower your serotonin levels become”

One of the best pieces of advice I ever heard was “There’s nothing wrong with you”. 

  It was a Monday morning and I was relaxing with friends in a hotel pool after playing Lollapalooza. A lady bobbed opposite me sipping a ginormous glass of rose, and we started chatting. She was a stylist and told me that, when her clients tried outfits on and looked at themselves in the mirror, she would tell them “There’s nothing wrong with you”. I asked her why and she said, “because we all think there’s something wrong with us ”. It was such an odd, simple notion, but I felt like a little flower had opened up inside of me. It hadn’t occurred to me that it could be a universal feeling. There was always something so wrong with ME, I hadn’t considered that other people might feel the same. The comment stuck with me like glue for the next year. 

Illustration by Lan Truong

 I lived most of my life feeling like there was something deeply wrong with me. Everything I did was somehow geared towards fixing the parts of myself I thought were bad or 'broken'. There was also an odd safety in being broken. I could quietly blame it for anything that went wrong in my life: “It’s not my fault: I’m f**ed up and I am very sorry!”. For a while, I had counselling, and though it was extremely helpful, I started to feel uneasy at the idea of chatting about my problems, potentially for years, if I chose to. Like, really… When would I be fixed?

For me, life =  Experiences + reactions to those experiences. The only power I have is choosing how I react to them. So, though I might have uncomfortable emotional reactions, I can choose to a) accept these emotions, instead of resisting them, and b) not interpret my thoughts as the Solid Gold Truth. Whatever your problems may be, (diagnosed or not), they don’t equate to you being broken. In my own life, it’s been unhelpful to think of mental health problems in this way, particularly when you’re struggling. You are who you are at this moment in time, and you’re doing your best. Brains are plastic. People can, and do, change.

Illustration by Lolrel

  If you follow my music, it probably won’t come as a big surprise to know that I’ve dealt with mental health issues for a long time. There have been 3 things that have helped me decrease periods of depression though. For anyone in the same position, I hope this helps.

  1. Meditation

This changed my mind + my life. I started doing meditation in 2013 after Electra Heart had ended. I was burnt out and desperate for change. I took no classes, read no books - just looked at a 5 minute explanation on the internet. I didn’t even do it every day. Just 20 minutes in the morning or evening. In the beginning, I felt a little dubious about the idea of “wasting 20 whole minutes” on meditation each day. But here’s the thing: Meditation is like a vacuum for your mind. It sucks up all the dust and rubbish thoughts. I can easily waste 20 minutes looking at something on the internet that I’ll never think about again, so I can invest 20 minutes in something that changes the quality of my life. This blog described Meditation as “one of the best responses to modern information overload”. I truly believe it can be an antidote to our digital lives.

Illustration by Lolrel 

  2. Exercise

I know, I know. When you’re depressed, the last thing you want to do is go outside INTO THE REAL WORLD! But if you’re bottom-of-the-barrel depressed, you have nothing to lose. For years I loved to declare that I “didn’t have a body that could run”  (in order to escape ever having to actually run). But when I start meditation, the negative thoughts about myself decreased and I started to want good things for myself. The motive of exercising was not to lose weight, so it had a different energy to it.

3. Identifying With Thoughts

The reality is, I still deal with depression, but my reaction to it is different. I am more aware of its mechanisms so I don’t take my thoughts as seriously. I try not to identify with a thought and interpret it as truth just because it came into my mind. Why? Because the way I think and respond to events is largely based on my past experiences, so how can I know that my thoughts are my own and not coloured by my past? This is why I don’t always trust my thoughts, particularly when they are of the negative variety. A book I hugely recommend on this is called “Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle. 

I’ve wanted to write this post for a long time for people who struggle with similar issues. Our culture has taught us to see happiness as some kind of end goal, but for me, the best thing about it is that it doesn’t stick around forever. Human beings need to experience some level of suffering in order to evolve emotionally and consciously. And though depression often feels like you’re stuck, or stagnating, it can also be a healthy way of your mind telling you that something isn’t quite right, and that it’s in the process of changing. We tend to view sadness as something unnatural, or negative, but perhaps viewing it as a necessary process might help us accept the low periods, and move through them more easily.

Before writing my last album, I honestly thought that I had just been born unhappy and that depression was a permanent part of me. I don’t believe that anymore. When I was writing ‘FROOT’ I felt like I was kissing goodbye to a big chapter of my life. That portion of my youth was heart-splitting and lonely at times, but it was also dazzling and beautiful. And that’s how life is for a lot of us. If only I’d known all those years that it was just part of being human.

Ask a question or share a thought here.  

I've been trying to use my phone a lot less recently. For anyone out there in the same boat, here are a few things that worked for me.

Wear a watch 

Buy an actual alarm clock 

Delete social media apps. Access them on your laptop. Warning: For the first few days you might reach for your phone, look at it blankly, realise there’s nothing to see and you won't even remember why you picked it up in the first place. #addiction #is #DARK

Download "Moment", an app to help you quit apps: I’ve tried it for the past few weeks. My screen time has gone from an average 2 hours 45 mins to 50 mins a day. It's free, but if you pay £3.99, you get added features, like a pop up reminder every time you’ve reached 10 mins of screen time (or whatever time interval you choose). It also has an option for your phone to literally lock up when you reach your limit, which I found hilarious when it actually happened. I was honestly mildly #shook.

FYI, the days in red were always the days I had Instagram downloaded on my phone.

One topic I think about obsessively: Instagram. More specifically, the psychological effect it has on me.

A while ago I posted a tweet saying I felt conflicted about social media, and the responses I got were surprising. People said that Facebook gave them anxiety, only going on certain sites when their mood was stable, whilst others deleted and re-activated their accounts regularly.

Illustration by Ana Galvan

I've always had a love-hate relationship with these platforms but they have so many pros that it makes them hard to quit. They connect me to like-minded people, are informative, make me laugh and give me an instant connection to my fanbase. It’s amazing to feel a level of relation in real time. However, in the last year I’ve noticed that every time I go on Instagram I feel kind of flat + zapped afterwards, like somebody has literally sat on my brain for 5 minutes. It’s oddly deflating.

Social media apps are designed to make us addicted to them. Human behaviour is reward based and each time we get a “like” or a message, our brains release a hit of dopamine, which makes us feel rrrreeeeal good (until the dopamine level drops and we feel real bad). Instagram is basically digital meth. So, for the past year I’ve been deleting the app off my phone for large periods of time, then re-downloading it if I want to post something. Interestingly, the feeling I get upon returning is always the same: I’ve missed nothing!

I understand social media’s appeal most when in relation to constructing a fantasy world. I’ve used it as a creative tool on every album I’ve made. Tumblr was key to “Electra Heart” and Twitter was key to “FROOT”. But what at first seemed like an opportunity to communicate our thoughts in an uncensored way has become a vehicle for us to present ourselves in the way that we would like to be seen by others. And this is what makes me feel weird about posting sometimes. A review I read of the film ’Ingrid Goes West’ nailed this feeling: “We use these platforms to lie and intentionally curate our lives”. The curating part hits a chord with me. It makes me feel icky, because I’ve surely, if subconsciously, done this - the majority of us have if we're using the platform. How do I get around that and use it in a healthier way? Do I just delete the whole thing or do I need to be aware of the reason I want to post something? i.e. Is it to share an image I love, or is to make people think of me in a certain way? The latter creeps me out. It scares me.

Illustration by Allegra Lockstadt

Recently, a friend said he had been going through a difficult period, so he hadn’t gone on Instagram for about a month. “Why would I? Everyone is having such a great time”. Ohhh, the digital illusion of happiness. OK, some people are genuinely having a great time, and they want to share that great time with you, but they’re not having a good time all the time. And that’s the key to remember when we’re embarking on a scrolling spree into the darkest depths of existential hell at 2am. Social media is a tiny speck in the ginormous oil painting of human life. We all have problems. We present the good parts of ourselves because it’s anathema to document the true nature of our lives, which inevitably consist of moments of disappointment, loneliness and embarrassment. None of these things look pretty or cool (no, not EVEN if you put the Mayfair filter on top of them), and I can totally see how it all started out innocently. We all love sharing special moments, but because these moments hold social currency online, we’re now doing only that. It’s easy to see how people can feel disappointed when their own lives don't measure up in a similar way.

Illustration by Lan Truong

We’re still in the infancy of the internet, trying to navigate technology in a way that is beneficial to our lives, but I sense a shift towards a desire to portray our lives more realistically. I notice more people sharing an experience or story in the caption of a selfie/ photograph that provides more of a picture of their life than the actual photo ever could. But I still wonder how we can evolve online culture into a space that is less image-focused/ self-driven, because I worry about the psychological effects that an image-focused culture might have on a young person’s self-esteem. 20 years ago, posting a stream of pictures of only my face would have been considered borderline narcissistic, but now it’s normal. And I’m not judging this - I’m talking from the perspective of someone who has done this a’plenty and who has been a part of that culture, particularly at the height of an album campaign. Maybe all Instagram has done is magnify what seems to have always been true, that humans value beauty to excess.

Ok, I’ll end this post by saying this: If I never go on Instagram again, my life won't lack anything because of it. Assuming I use it 20 minutes a day, I’ll get back 122 hours a year - for free! The reality is, I’ll probably continue to use it, but it's important to me to see these platform for what they are, not what they appear to be. They're addictive, comparative, take my time and give little back in return.

I’ll leave you with my fave comment which came from @FKASimon.

Quite, Simon, Quite.

Love, Marina

Oh, man. This letter has taken me an embarrassingly long time to write. Probably because I haven't written anything but e-mails and Tweets for 12 years.

If the last year has taught me anything, it’s this: it takes a long time to get over yourself.

Last March, after 7 years on the road, I decided to take a break. I was excited about this. I’d imagined myself watching tv all day, being a "chill person", eating doughnuts because I didn’t have to wear latex catsuits anymore. The reality was not quite the joy ride I’d been expecting.

I've been an artist for over a decade but up until this year, I hadn’t realised how much my sense of self had been defined by my role as an artist. I’d never thought of “Marina and the Diamonds” as a persona or a construct, and I didn't think the stage-me was very different to the sofa-me. MATD was an exciting vehicle that helped me express ideas and thoughts to people. But just as people construct online personas, artist construct visual ones, and over time, the lines between art and reality can drift apart. 

I can’t remember when I first became conscious of it but I started to feel like there were two parts of me, artist self and private self, and there was nothing in between to link the two anymore. I was one or the other, and neither part of my personality could be present in the same environment. Perhaps because I’d spent most of the past 8 years devoted to being an artist and this hadn't presented many opportunities for other parts of my personality to grow. When one part of a personality dominates, other parts shrink and life can take on an unreal, two-dimensional quality. I felt confused as to why I no longer felt like I fit into the world I’d built. I don't think my feelings are exceptional (particularly in entertainment) but I wonder if you are someone who has experienced this in a different context.

I've always been interested in identity. In my twenties, I felt frustrated by how regularly my identity seemed to shift and change until I began to consider the idea that a fixed self may not exist. I explored this in "Electra Heart" by deconstructing aspects of female identity in a portrayal of female archetypes. However, the past year has made me re-examine this idea. Not being able to equate my identity to a job, project or visible entity has created a lot of discomfort and uncertainty in me. Which has been a surprise, as I thought I felt secure in myself. How can I be so sure of who I am if I am so susceptible to change? A lot of what contributes to our idea of identity is down to pure chance - ethnicity, social class, upbringing, religion, job, relationships - who are we without those influences?

Everything in western culture feels so geared towards self-definition, but I wonder if having a looser idea of yourself could make life richer. The past year hasn't been full of rainbows - I feel like my brain has been brutally rewired - but letting go of a perceived idea of myself has resulted in a new kind of personal freedom. My image is no longer a main source of identity, nor are previous signifiers like clothing (more on this in a future post), designer brands + other things I subconsciously used to define myself.

Lasting change rarely happens over night. This past year has been painful and slow. But I’m in a more genuine space than I was a year ago and I would never want to go back to that stunted way of being again. In fact, the only solace I had in this period was being able to read the books and blogs of other people experiencing significant life transitions, so I hope this might be of help to anyone who is going through a similar stage.

Truth is, I’m not planning ahead much right now. I am indeed going through my “what should I do with the rest of my life” phase that most people go through at 21. Which is… cool. But I’m grateful to have the opportunity to explore different interests, and starting marinabook is a part of that. I'm starting a Psychology course soon, which I am SO excited about, and I’m ready for a brand new chapter. I hope you’ll be a part of it.

Some people have been asking about new music and I’m always flattered to be asked. I know one year is like an aeon in digital time! The honest answer is I don’t know when that will be, but the connection I have with music has always flowered from an honest connection with myself, and I trust my instincts. Whenever I get back on stage again, I would love to feel like I am the sum of my parts, not the sum of a persona or an image. That’s the goal. A lot of reality with a little bit of fantasy. So, marinabook is a way for us to stay connected while I work that out.

I miss you all!

Ask a question or share thoughts here.

Love from, Marina

Further Reading

Brilliant explanation of personas here. 5 minute read.

Podcast on how our views about the Self affect our views on death.  By “Philosophy Bites”.  15 minutes.