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I just found out something....

Maybe same environment but never the same person in you and in others?

Same conversation maybe but different inner state?

Fallin in love with this phase of my life.

When nothing is perfect, where I have zero need for anything but my own true self - my own company.

My heart is still in fucking zilion pieces but I know that in a few years I will miss this moment right now.

Released all illusions and THERE WERE PLENTY .

2 decades of my life I was scared to be myself.

To fit in.

Where?

Still naive tbh.

Still learning a lot about life ,some ppl think im stupid ,I just know that I am more than happy to have an opportunity to be who I truly was supposed to be.

Before I thought I should be someone else..

In my own eyes,not even others.

I am deeply grateful that I'm getting to know (to remember) who I am TRULLY.

And it feels disorienting sometimes but I mastered it lately.

If there wasn't chaos I wouldn't know how to operate differently.

In one hand whole new life is starting - or coming for completion - and I'm happy about it.

On the other - I am dead..ly in pain.

Grief.

For so many things at once.

But still I'm trying to be grateful that I cam feel ..even the pain.

It's not the pain that pains.

It's something much deeper that for my life I didn't find a proper definition of that word.

But it's all good.

Much blessings in my life.

I'm just somewhere in between.

Trying to stay in center.

Dissolving and changing places.

More inwardly ,like always - they never understood it.

Trying to figure out how to use internal wings for external usage.

Before you disappeared

How many things stood upon my soul

Like a heavy burden of a fifteen kilograms of empty breath

I've never knew how to exhale

Those demons in the way they stared,like we were the ones that were insane

Without being wrongfully understood

Don't hate me for the things I want to do

To them ,and say

How to observe your smile that in your eyes did not mach your life that lived in fucking paradise

It always made me think several minimum but now I only think twice

One, did they made us fucking insane

Second,did we for a second made a mistake that cost our whole life by believing in those empty hollows

Your pain was my void I've tried to fill with more emptier..

I fucking miss and I fucking crave..

I barely remember how to properly ,fucking ,I excuse for a languages but I dont know how to pray

Not at all

Not even trying you know

You were the only one that knew my truest self

My soul

It left the day you were gone

I should've protected you and I'm fucking mad for the things I did you wrong

This should be a suicide note

For the future you and me both planned and hoped

I miss you like a fucking fire miss the air

I want to be with with you up there

I really hope this will be an omen