Her Circumstances

To think positive in someone I want to be with but I can’t exactly because the person I like won’t like me for who I am.

mentally.

It’s already shitty.  I already want this stupid stuff to go away already.

I am going to learn to live without you.  I’m already replaceable.  I’m already replaced. Nothing is going to be the same no more and I need to be strong and learn to accept that I can’t be happy if we are not in the best mindset.   I want to learn to be less dependent and not care about you anymore.  I want to be strong without being with you. That’s why I need to break up with you.

I know breaks are supposed to help you re-established and make yourself better and pick your time to reflect but in an honestly, this reflection times makes me hate myself even more.  It just reminds me of how much of a shitty friend I have been to others, a shitty girlfriend, and just a shitty person altogether. Like, I KNOW, I can make myself better and change the person I am but right now, the negative energy of me hurting the people I am close to is only making me suffocate and just want to cry my heart out.  It even makes me want to give up everything I have to accomplish and think of doing the one thing I promise not to do which is being suicidal again. 

The simple ritual I used to do with you when we first started getting closer. The time where I remember you whispering it and just surrounded the silence in skype or when we talked through messages. It was bittersweet since I never knew the meaning of it but using it as a mechanism for me being hopeful but as well as realizing it was something for me to relate, especially if I wished for something that was unbearable but secretive. Seeing this time now, my stomach aches. it heaves and shakes. there is a lot of negative connotation about it now. I honestly just looked at it and sigh deeply to myself realizing that nothing isn’t the same anymore. I guess it really is the end...