I’ve never understood why the broken ones always seem to be drawn to me, I’ve been labeled by therapists as a “codependent” or a “fixer” because i get into relationships wanting to solve the other persons problems, but they never understood that i FEEL what others feel. I understand a person’s motives and intentions even better than they themselves do. And because of that, i used to be an easy target. I forgive, ALWAYS, because i UNDERSTAND. HURT PEOPLE HURT PEOPLE. I cry for the little boy trying to remove his freckles with sandpaper because his family mocked him for his coloring, and i cry for the terrified, sad, and confused child who never knew what parental love was supposed to feel like, because he was born to parents who had NO IDEA how to love a child. The 11 year old who had to move to a new country with relatives he never knew because his parents were taken from him too soon.
My heart breaks intensely for each and every person i connect with, because there’s nothing i want more in the world than to be able to go back in time and hug each of them at that point in their lives when they NEEDED someone to comfort them and reassure them that there is nothing wrong with them, and that they are individually perfect, and worthy of loving themselves and others. It kills me that nobody was really there for any of them. My heart breaks into a million pieces over and over. When making decisions, i decide based on which option will be the least hurtful to the other person, I’d rather sacrifice my own happiness and wellbeing to avoid seeing someone i love hurt.
I don’t believe there are “bad people”. Nobody is born with meanness in their hearts. People do what they know. And sometimes, all they are taught is evil, from a very young age, and they do what they have to in order to cope. That doesn’t make them bad. They are hurting. Filled to the brim with more pain than anyone can handle because they were never shown how to process the things that happened to them. Hurt, scared, confused, sad, lost. But “bad”? Never.
I am FINALLY to the point in my journey that i can really differentiate between the pain of others, and my own. Their pain is not mine to carry, although i feel it as if it’s my own emotion. I cannot fix everyone, and I’m still trying to fully accept that. There is immense power in compassion and understanding, but ultimately the other person has to be ready and willing to get down to the real deep shit and face it head on full force, that’s something i will never be able to do FOR them. I cannot fix people, but i can support them while they work through the hard stuff. That i can do.
You are a great person. You are interesting, worthy, wonderful and amazing. Don’t judge yourself for the things you did to survive the world you experienced. You did what you had to do. But your actions do not define you. Ever. You don’t have to be proud of those moments, use the motivation to generate a positive change within yourself. Get your heart back to the way it was before the first time it was broken. Full of pure love. Break down your walls. Only you can. I’ll do everything in my power to listen and guide you to the best of my ability, but true change comes from within you.
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