"i admire your resiliency," said a longtime friend, who has witnessed me rise from four soul shattering ruptures in the last decade.
"wow, thanks for the affirmation. i hardly think i'm resilient, mostly just foolish," i reply, with a sarcastic laugh mixed with a twinge of shame bubbling in my chest.
"you are resilient though. how do you remember who you are? how do you return to yourself after unbearable heartbreak?" they ask. i hear them crying along with the evening rain, grieving the end of their partnership.
"never abandon yourself ever again," i answer with a magnitude of unwavering certainty.
you will read poetry and sob with monsoons, thinking nobody can hear you
you will learn to cook breakfast without weeping every morning
you will wash your laundry with bitterness and sleep among piles of resentment for days on end
every song will remind you of what used to be and you will make music to write your new chapters
one day, when you least expect it, you will enjoy solitude without crumpling to the floor
'til then, ella&louis and chet baker are your favorites, as you stare at the popcorn ceiling
you will fall in love for only five minutes, with a stranger on the dance floor who makes you feel desirable again
you will wake up, just a little, each time the breeze brushes your cheek and you will remember that you have a body
pluck plumerias and run their petals along your skin to cure your touch starvation
because even though you crave to be held by another, you cannot rest in any arms just yet
you are tired, jaded and cautious. yet open and curious--over and over
you become specific and particular, with a list of the highest compatible qualities you seek in your future life partner
but no amount of non-negotiables will ever fully prepare you for when you suddenly feel sparks again
it will feel like such a surprise when your heart starts unfolding again
give yourself gratitude for how remarkably expansive you are
trust that you will not fall so easily in a flurry of passion, but rather steadily and certainly
you will love more practically and stronger each time
knowing that what you need is a warm, cosmic, boundless and inspiring love
a love that is deliberate, reliable, forgiving, gracious, compassionate and beyond
but most of all, you will know that you must take care of yourself first
you will choose someone who matches your frequency and divine timing
someone who is equally committed to never abandoning themselves
you will be mirrors for one another
you will choose each other every night and morning
knowing that it is possible to live an abundant life together
knowing it takes tenacious love and collaboration
you will build new worlds together
a resiliency that is admirable and never foolish
