mangled stars

the ending of that novel is supposed to be tragedy, one of the two girls is supposed to die in battle, I won’t tell you which because the only person that actually knows which is me

but since the Clexa thing happened, I’ve been rethinking queer tragedy, wondering if the reason I made the ending the way that I did when I started developing the novel as a queer love story (which didn’t happen until about grade 12), if it had something to do with the way that I was taught that we are supposed to die, that that’s what happens in queer stories, that yes, the girl that lives would have learned something, she would always have the love and legacy of her dead potential partner with her, but that one of them was supposed to die, that’s just how it is

I was telling someone about my novel about a year ago and I said “and at the end things happen but I won’t tell you what” and my friend said “one of them dies” and looked at me like she knew she was right because she knew, because it’s expected, because they’re supposed to, queer teenage girls are supposed to die

and no, it’s not the same as Clexa, because I’m a queer woman and not a straight white cis dude, because I’m socially aware and I’m aware of the dead queer trope and if my novel did end with one of the girls dying, it wouldn’t just be shock value, it would be a sacrifice in the final battle to save the life of the other girl, it would matter

but if I’m a queer woman in the position of an author and I’m aware of the affects of this trope and I’m not doing anything to change it, then as a feminist and a member of the LGBT+ community, have I failed? have I fallen short when I could have done better? what have I done wrong? would queer girls really want to read another story where a queer girl dies, even if it is a unique fantasy, even if the death is hopeful and sacrificial? 

A fanfic for Mangled Stars and Tainted Dreams, the upcoming novel by Vivian Gietz. (outoftheredwoods)

The dulcet tones of The Carpenters play softly over the airport speakers as Tiana marches out of the building in a huff, face red from a mixture of anger and the freezing winter air. Her phone is clenched tightly in her hand, as she had just been on the phone with her father. This is all his fault, for sending her to do his dumb errands in this ratty city. What she wouldn’t to give to be swaddled in her blankets with her laptop and her blankets right now instead of on the brink of tears in what seems like a blizzard outside of an airport.

Lisa drew the fox baby for me and I’m so???? I’m so holy shit I need to lie down

HAHA I LOVE YOU OKAY

ummm the main two from my novel are Raven and Tiana the gayest gays

Tia is actually bi and is a super stubborn mess and acts like a heartless cold bitch cause she actually doesn’t believe in love and has never known love her entire life, her parents were crappy x1000 and by this I mean her father is the evil fascist dictator that is killing his people and she was guilt tripped into blaming herself for her mother’s death. Tia is the princess and she’s a little pale strawberry blonde nerd that loves books because they are her only form of escape, so basically she’s a huge Ravenclaw. I used to fancast her as a blonder Sarah Bolger but my mental image of her has changed so I’m not sure anymore what she looks like. sorta like Sarah Bolger I guess.

Raven on the other hand is a Slytherin hothead who is super independent and fast-paced and hates waiting around, but even though she hates waiting she will still calculate a situation as best she can before jumping into it (this is part of why she’s not a Gryffindor). she’s an orphan who was basically raised by a fox and an 80 year old man (literally who thought this was a good idea). she’s loyal as hell and will do literally anything for the people she cares about but she’s a super tough nut to crack because she only actually trusts like two people in the whole world. but actually she just wants to help. everyone. literally she just wants to make sure people are okay. even though she’s not big on showing affection and physical contact her heart is actually super cuddly and caring (she’s sorta like Carmilla) idk how else to explain this. Raven is a woman of color, her ancestry is actually the equivalent of Native American to her land. so like Native Austranian? (the country is called Austrana). I have this really clear picture of what she looks like in my head and the closest thing I’ve come to in terms of a fancast is Natasha Negovanlis but with a darker olive skin tone. 

A quick Ria AU I wrote for shakeitoffandout cause she’s having a rough time these days, and when I was having a rough time last week she was lovely enough to write me a Ria soulmates AU. And everyone loves Ria, so here we are.

This is a “the only two people at the college frat party not actually enjoying the party” AU. This is also my first time writing Barnabas ever! Cause he hasn’t actually come into MSaTD yet so I haven’t written anything with his character until this. I love him and it turns out he’s a hilarious drunk. Who would have thought?

And now I have about 50 million feelings about this AU, shit. I may have to write an entire novel with these two in this AU. Damn these gays for being compatible in every single universe I throw them in. I love them, you guys. I love writing them outside of MSaTD and realizing how much faster they would have fallen for each other if they had met in any different circumstance than the one that they did have to meet in, where they’re trying to stop Tiana’s fascist dictator father and save an entire nation and are too busy trying to hate each other to realize that they’re in love.

I should do AU exercises more often.

WHY ARE YOU MY CLARITY? ★ a playlist for raven and tiana ★ listen

a mangled stars and tangled dreams fanfic / raven/tia / characters belong to outoftheredwoods

-

A train in Middle-Of-Nowhere, Colorado, is not where Raven Petea had intended to end up when she had left home to head for New York City. Arson- her best (only) friend in school -had told her that that was the best place to head, since she didn’t have a plan and people without plans tend to congregate in New York. Besides, he said, I’m going to college there. I’ll meet you.

Which is all fine and dandy for him, of course. He doesn’t have to worry about a place to stay, he has Tyrus. He doesn’t have to worry about a plan, he’s going into philosophy. He doesn’t have to worry about running into his soulmate inconveniently, because he doesn’t have soul words at all. And he doesn’t have to worry about stars, like she does. She knows the stars. Loves them like a girl loves her brothers and sisters and mother and father. Because the stars are the only family she really has, the only companions she’s known since she was a girl. But in New York… She won’t be able to to see them.

Not that she has yet come up with a better idea than Arson’s. So here she goes, into the great wild yonder.

The train starts to slow down, and Raven pulls out her phone to check the time, knowing that she has maybe a few more minutes before the thing runs out of power until gets where she’s going. 3:14…. AM. She groans leans back in her seat, staring restlessly at the ceiling. Literally the only other person in this car is some unfriendly old guy, who had all but growled at her when she chose to breathe the same air as him by selecting her seat on the opposite end of the car. At least he’s asleep now.

Her phone jingles, and she glances down at it to see it winking a fond farewell to her before going dark, the power completely gone. Wonderful. Habitually, she checks the inside of her left wrist, where, in pink, loopy, cursiveletters, the word “Tia” is written. She knows that it’s her soulmate’s name, because that word is her soul word. Some people are lucky- Some have full names to work with. But not Raven. She has three little letters- T I A.

With a shudder and a screechy noise, the train halts completely. Unfriendly-old-guy stirs slightly in his sleep before settling down again, and Raven crosses her legs with a sigh. This is going to be a really long trip….

After a few minutes, the train starts to move again, and Raven looks out the window to watch the station as it passes. She misses the exact moment that the door opens, but she turns her head at the sound of a strained, feminine grunt. The sight that greets her nearly makes her smile, but she is too tired to care to smile. A girl with a mess of curly blonde hair is attempting to wheel a suitcase into the train car, but it appears to be stuck in the door. Raven is tempted to get up and help, but after the girl shoot a cross green glare at her, she decides to remain in her seat. The girl eventually manages to unstick her suitcase and shuffles busily inside, sitting in a seat in the corner and huffily crossing her arms and legs and looking out the window. Raven raises her eyebrows and looks down at her bag. This seems like a good time to read one of the few books she had brought to pass the time.

Raven pulls the book out and flips it open. Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, one of her favorites. Before she can even begin, however, a snippy voice pierces the air and drags her attention away from the book.

"I read that one years ago," the voice says, haughty and proud. "Lewis Carroll. It was confusing and dull, and I’m far too old for it now."

Raven scowls at the girl, who looks…. Tired. Grumpy and worn-out and itching to take out her frustration on someone. Her green eyes are dull and her hair is a mess. Her clothes look like the ought to match, but don’t quite, as if she had been in too much of a hurry to coordinate them perfectly, but cared too much to let them look bad. Raven’s gaze travels to the suitcase, which looks like it’s never been used and has Hello Kitty on it. She looks back up at the girl, who again tries (and succeeds) to speak in as condescending a voice as possible.

"How old are you, anyways?"

"18," Raven says, her voice hoarse from hours of silence and a lack of water. "You?"

The girl purses her lips, seemingly taking Raven’s answer as an insult. “Nearly 18.”

Raven doesn’t respond before looking back at her book, which the girl doesn’t appear to want to allow her to do.

"Well, you’re still reading that? Why? It’s not any good."

Rather irritated, Raven shoots this girl a glare. “I like it.”

Whereas it had been meant to shut her up, this comment seems to spur the girl on. “Well, why? I mean, it doesn’t make sense, and everyone in it is so… Droll. The Queen of Hearts is just terrible, and Alice is terribly… Terribly unclever.”

Raven knits her eyebrows, considers this, and shrugs. “She’s pretty young, and she doesn’t understand how the world works. And she thinks people should follow rules, and doesn’t understand that people don’t always act how they should. I guess. I don’t know. This is just… One of my only books, okay?”

The girl quiets down, looking down at her phone and then out the window. Raven allows her gaze to linger on the girl for a few moments, appraising her, and then tries once more to start her book.

"I do like the Mock Turtle." The girl’s voice is quieter this time, less stuffy. Raven looks up again, blinking.

"He’s okay, I guess…." Raven says, glances at her book, and sighs, setting it aside. She can read later. "I’m Raven. What’s your name?"

The girl looks back at Raven, frowns, and then returns her gaze to the window. “Tiana Monesca.”

The grumpy old man shifts again, grumbling quietly so that Raven can’t tell if he’s awake or asleep. She slides out of her seat and edges over to the row that this girl, “Tiana”, is sitting in. Wanting to speak a bit more quietly so that the old man doesn’t yell at them.

"Where are you going?" she asks, and Tiana looks at her in a startled way before answering, still with an irritated look on her face.

"Why should that matter to you? Where are you going?"

Raven crosses her arms, refusing to be cowed by this girl’s aggression, and stares impassively back into the girl’s eyes.

"New York City. I’m meeting a friend there."

Tiana can’t seem to find fault with this, and Raven takes the moment to examine her again, up close. Yes, she’s definitely tired. It looks like she’s had a lot of sleepless nights lately… But even so, her face is beautiful. Pale and pleasantly round, with bright pink lips and- Oh, she’s glaring at Raven now. Raven blinks, attempting to un-intensify her gaze. “Yes?”

"You were staring at me." Tiana says, the paleness of her face aquiring a slight pink tinge as she folds her hand in her lap, staring at Raven in return. Raven doesn’t have much of an excuse for that, so she shrugs.

"Sorry. You just look like you need sleep."

Tiana’s eyes blaze for a moment, and she turns back toward the window, pointedly ignoring Raven. The darker girl rolls her eyes; From what she’s seen of this stranger so far, that won’t last for long. She waits for the other girl to speak again, knowing that it’s inevitable.

"I suppose I’ll fit right in in New York, then," Tiana says (as Raven knew she would), "Since they’re that city never sleeps."

Raven presses her lips together with distaste, now that she knows she’ll be in with this stranger for the long haul.

"This line doesn’t go all the way to New York City, you know," Raven says quietly, wondering if the other girl knows this- She doesn’t seem to have much knowledge of travelling, judging by the ill-used suitcase by her feet. "You’ll have to switch a bus or a plane eventually."

Tiana doesn’t respond to that, but her shoulders sink slightly. Raven rubs her thumb absently over her wrist, not even thinking about the word etched there as she considers this messy problem of a girl. Does she know how the world works? Is she Alice, running away to her own Wonderland? Raven supposes that might make her the Cheshire Cat. ‘All ways here are the Queen’s ways’…

"A bus is cheaper, but it’ll take a lot longer," Raven continues at length, uncrossing her arms and scooting closer to the blonde-haired girl. Feeling a sort of instinctive, begrudging concern for her. The girl tenses up, glances over her shoulder with a sour expression, and then turns back to the window, curling her legs to her chest.

"I can afford a few days of travel, thank you." Tiana’s voice is cold when she speaks, but it sounds trembly. Like it could break any moment. Raven brushes a few stray strands of black hair behind her ear and leans forward again, reaching to carefully place her hand on the girl’s shoulder. An awkward measure of comfort.

"Are you okay-?"

Raven is taken aback by a pair of startled, angry green eyes that are very suddenly inches from her own, Tiana having turned to leave their faces far too close together. Raven’s breath catches in her throat at the sight- Tiana’s eyes have all of the aggression of a scared, wounded animal, desperate to survive.

"I’m fine," she hisses, obviously anything but. After a moment, Raven leans back again, her face feeling a bit warm, and she scowls.

"Fine." She starts to stand and move back to her seat, irritated by this girl too proud to hold a polite conversation. She sits down in her original seat and pulls out her book to read, actually getting to do it this time. She tries not to feel guilty when, after a while, she hears muted sniffling coming from the girl a few rows away.

Raven closes her book and sighs deeply, looking up at the ceiling and then over at Tiana. This girl isn’t her responsibility, per se, but she still feels responsible for her. If the girl is really on her own, and- as Raven suspects she is -trying to be self-sufficient for the first time ever, Raven feels like she /has/ to be helpful, lest the girl find some way to get herself hurt or lost or starved or dead. She rubs her eyes before dragging herself to her feet and shuffling back over to the girl.

"What’s wrong?" she grumbles reluctantly, not wanting to give this girl more opportunity to be prickly, but also not wanting to leave her without help. Tiana turns her head to look at Raven with an indignant face, trying not look like she had just been crying.

"Why do you care?" Tiana says huskily, knees still curled to her chest. A few strands of curly hair fall in her face, and she irritably brushes them away. Raven supresses the urge to roll her eyes as she leans back in her seat, crossing her arms.

"You look like you need help, so I want to help you," the dark-haired girl says, shrugging again. "I can’t leave you to face the lions alone, I guess."

Tiana blinks, her face screwing up with more confusion than anger. Her gaze flits over Raven’s face, down across her relaxed form, and then back to her face. Sizing her up. “…You do. You want to…. Help me?”

Raven nods, tilting her head. “Yeah…. Common courtesy, and all…” Or just ridiculous amounts of empathy. Tiana’s widen, and she presses her lips together. She opens her mouth, closes it, and then opens it again.

"I don’t…. Need your help…." Tiana’s voice dwindles weakly, her words lacking any amount of conviction. Raven scoffs and shakes her head.

"Whatever. Do you have any food?"

The girl blinks. “No.”

"Are you hungry?"

"No."

Raven shrugs once more, arms still crossed. “If you say so. But I have a few extra sandwiches in my bag, just so you know.”

The girl, instead of making another snippy comment, merely nods her head, looking down at her feet. Raven sighs, looking at the girl, and then starts to speak.

"So. What are you running away from?" Her voice is conversational, and certain of itself. Tiana starts, looking surprised that Raven had said such a thing. She opens her mouth to ask a question, but Raven renders it unecessary by continuing. "You’re pretty easy to read, for someone like me. I’ve had to read people all my life, being an orphan."

Tiana’s mouth closes and she remains silent for a few moments. “….My parents. I’m…. Running from my parents.”

Raven nods, her arms relaxing and uncrossing. Tiana doesn’t relax, but she isn’t looking out the window anymore. She’s looking at Raven. Raven allows their eyes to meet for a moment, to get a better reading on the girl. Well, she isn’t lying. But she’s sad. Very sad. Raven turnsher head so that she’s looking toward the front of the train car. “Got a plan for once you get to New York?”

Tiana looks toward the front of the train, sighing prettily. “…No…”

Raven grins slightly. “Me neither.”

There is a pause, and they each glance toward each other, thinking similar things. Maybe it would be better to plan together. Maybe they could figure something out, help each other. Maybe they should try to start fresh togeth-

"I’ll probably stay with Arson, though," Raven says, louder than she had intended to. "Arson and Tyrus. At least for a while, until I can get on my feet."

Tiana deflates slightly, her legs finally starting to unfurl and drop down to the ground. “Arson and Tyrus…. Are they…?”

Raven laughs quietly and shakes her head. “No, no. Not soulmates. Just roommates.” Which, of course, leads to the next question. “Do you have….?”

Tiana shakes her head, scowling again. “No. No…. I don’t. I… I don’t have soul words at all, actually…”

Raven’s thumb rubs over her wrist again. “I have a word, but I haven’t found mine yet. I’m…. I don’t know of they’re in New York or not.” She doesn’t know if she even wants to find out. Would having a soulmate be inconvenient, in a time like this? Maybe. Maybe not. She wouldn’t expect someone like the person she’s imagining to live in a place like that. She wants someone who loves space, loves the world. Loves the stars, more importantly. At least, she hopes for it. She doesn’t want to stay in New York forever, for sure. “Anyways….”

Whatever Raven had been about to say is cut off by a gurgle, and Tiana flushes pink as she crosses her arms over her stomach. Raven grins again and stands, glancing toward her bag. “Anyways…. Do you like ham or turkey?”

-

Talking to strangers, as it turns out, really helps the time pass while on a train. The two girls manage to pull hours of conversation from inside each other, discussing everything from favorite books- “I can’t /believe/ you haven’t read this-!” “Oh, you’d love that book, you have to read it-!” -to hobbies- “Oh, you know, I draw a little bit…” “I’m really into astronomy…” -to the random conversations brought on by fatigue and early-morning giggles- “What is up with gourmet crustaceans, anyways? Who wants to eat something with /crusty/ in the name?”

Sometime between the time that the two girls decided they were friends and when they fell asleep, they decided that they’d figure out how to get to New York together. Thus ensue days of confusing bus routes and overpirced taxis and too much fast food. Tiana tries to insist upon staying in a few cities for a couple of days- in Nashville, Tiana discovers that she actually likes country music, and in D.C., she can’t believe Raven doesn’t want to look at all of the monuments- but they keep moving, steadily making their way toward the Big Apple.

Their phones become useless artifacts long before they reach the East Coast, so it never crosses Raven’s mind to ask for Tiana’s number. Not until they reach a bus stop on a crowded street in Manhattan, eyes wide as they press their faces to the glass and stares out at the forest of lights and people and buildings that they have found themselves in. They gather their things and disembark together. The last bus rolls away, and they watch it crawl through the traffic-covered streets. Eventually, Raven turns to Tiana, smiling sadly.

"So," she says, sliding her hands into her pockets, "I guess I should go find an outlet to charge my phone and get ahold of Arson."

Tiana presses her lips together and nods slowly. “And I…. I should… Find a place to stay for the night.”

Raven grimaces before straightening up. “Hey! I’ll call you! I’ll call you later, and… And if you can’t figure something out, we can…. Figure something out together, yeah?”

Tiana smiles softly, brushing a hand through her messy hair. “Yeah, okay. Um…” She digs in her purse and produces a pink pen. She reaches out to snatch Raven’s hand- her right one -and scrawls her number down on the back of it. She then drops Raven’s hand and surges forward to hug her. Raven hesitates only a moment before wrapping her arms around the former stranger, giving her a tight squeeze. They then lean away from each other, and Tiana grips Raven’s hands tightly, her eyes wide and nervous despite the smile on the face. Raven speaks for both of them, reassuring.

"This isn’t goodbye. We’ll meet again, really soon. If not today or tomorrow, then… Within the week. Okay?"

Tiana nods and slowly releases the darker girl’s before stooping to gather her things. Raven picks her own bags up, and they give each other a long, nervous look. Tiana swallows.

"Bye…." she says softly, barely audible above the hubbub of the city. Raven nods and allows the other girl one of her rare smiles before they both turn, heading in opposite directions- Tiana for a taxi, and Raven for a Starbucks on the corner of the street. She shuffles inside and dumbs her stuff by a chair in the corner before dumping herself in a chair. She digs out her charger and plugs her phone into an outlet on the wall, then glances at her hand to look at the number Tiana had scrawled there.

Her heart stops.

Before she realizes what she’s doing, Raven is tearing out of the coffee shop, sprinting out onto the sidewalk again. Screaming, scanning the crowd for a certain blonde head.

"TIANA! TIANA!!"

She spins around fruitlessly, feeling a mix of nausea and excitement in her gut. She sighs after a few minutes, frustrated that she can’t find the object of her search, and heads back into the coffee shop. Anxious for her phone to charge now, even more anxious than before.

Starism is the belief that stars are dreams, the dreams of people and animals like us. According to the ancient philosophies of Austrana’s past, each star in the sky is said to be a single dream, a dream that was so powerful that it was etched into the constellations, to mark the galaxies forever. No one knows who decides what dreams are worthy, or how a dream becomes a star. Some say there’s a god, or gods, or that it’s just our ancestors watching over us. But on the eve after your dream is fulfilled, the first star in the sky will be yours, and you’ll know that your dream became a star. The sky will make sure you know.

(It was a fanmail so I’m doing it as a text post.)

"Write a novel," they said. "It’ll be fun," they said. 

The religions in the MSaTD ‘verse is something I have struggled with a lot; creating a false religion in an alternate universe is a really hard thing to do. This is, so far, the closest thing I came to one. I mean, one of the main points in my book is the stars. The stars are so important to these characters. The belief that maybe, one day, your dream will turn into a star is the closest thing, I think, that these people have to a god. After all, this is a nation that has been ruled by an evil, fascist king for decades. He probably abolished freedom of religion ages ago, way before he started killing his citizens. 

So when I tried to brainstorm the religion for my fictional world, I didn’t really think I needed to think past that. The stars are so important, these people pray to the stars, they pray to other people’s dreams for their own dreams. The people of this country are beautiful and diverse and impoverished and interconnected and they do not have a lot, but they have the stars. “May the stars guide you on your journey” is a line that gets said to Raven and her travelling posse at some point during the novel, and I feel like it’s a line that gets said a lot as a more formal way of saying goodbye. From what little I know about linguistics, I know that “Goodbye” comes from “God be with”, which I guess stretches on to “God be with you as you go”. The stars be with. The stars bless. The stars watch over you as you sleep. They do, literally. They’re there every night.

Well, almost, I guess. Cloudy, starless nights are a bad omen for the people of Austrana. 

Now, one of the things about the quote above from my own novel is the deliberate similarities I gave it to the following quote from one of my favorite books:

He insisted that stars were people so well loved, they were traced in constellations, to live forever. 

- Jodi Picoult, My Sister’s Keeper

In case my Frozen obsession was not evidence of it enough, I love stories about sisters. My Sister’s Keeper is still one of the most important and influential books in my life, even so many years after reading it and rereading it. MSaTD, however, isn’t a story about sisters. It’s a story about the love the people of a nation have for each other. It’s a story about a band of misfits that includes a talking fox and a spoiled princess, among others, that come together and form the most powerful bond of all, that show that life and happiness and love are more than just far off, untouchable dreams way up in the sky. The thing about the main couple to cry over in my novel, Raven/Tiana, is that it’s not just about Raven and Tiana. It’s about so much more than that. Raven and Tiana wouldn’t have been able to learn half as much as they did about themselves and each other if it weren’t for the other three members of the band of misfits.

I was inspired by how important stars are in My Sister’s Keeper too, but I know that a lot of fiction explores the idea that stars are people after they pass away (Or, you know, cats, if you’re talking Warriors and StarClan).

In MSaTD, they’re not people. They’re dreams. And that’s one of the important distinctions about this book, and perhaps one of the strangest things about Starism as a fictional religion; these people aren’t necessarily praying to actual gods; they’re praying to dreams, they’re praying their own, they’re expressing their own and hoping and dreaming that Sar’s reign will pass, that their lives will get better one day.