I’m polyamorous. I practice an ethical form of non-monogamy. A lot of the time, that means I have a lot of love, a lot of communication, and a lot of support from a community broader than just me and my husband. There are ups and downs like any life, good days and bad days. Sometimes, though, there are unique challenges.
Recently, I went through two break-ups over two weeks. Going through break-ups when you’re in multiple relationships is complicated. Everything that goes along with the pain, turmoil, and heartache of the loss of a relationship is present. And yet you have other people in your life who love you, support you, and want to continue to be in a relationship with you.
The one real difference is that the fear that no one will ever love you again doesn’t rear it’s head in quite the same way. You may fear that you won’t love as you did within that relationship, or with that person, but you have evidence that you are still wanted and loved by your other partner(s).
On the other end, watching someone you love have their heart broken by another can be agonizing. You feel helpless. All the love you can possibly offer cannot ease their pain. Their heart needs to heal, which requires two things: the passage of time and exposure to the new reality, which incidentally, also requires time.
This is an aspect of polyamory I don’t see discussed very often. And dealing with more than one break-up at once, that is a new one, even for me. Some days, I feel the pain will swallow me whole. Others, I find myself laughing over the ridiculousness of snowsharks or smiling at the wonderful things people in my life do for me. It’s flowing, dynamic, and still, deeply challenging.
There are a lot of misconceptions out there, a lot of questions I have been asked over the past month. Here are some answers:
Does it hurt less than a monogamous break-up? No, it doesn’t.
Is it easier? Not especially. Often it is even more complicated. There are more people involved than just you and the person you were with. There are also the friendships and relationships that have been developed over years of being a part of your partner’s partners’ lives.
Aren’t all poly break-ups fiery explosions? No. Some are. Some aren’t. There being more people involved, sure, there is a chance for some more drama there potentially. But it doesn’t have to be that way. In my experience, I’ve actually seen more poly relationships be able to transition through various stages and into another, different kind of relationship than be an all or nothing kind of situation.
But you have your other partners! Yes, and they are a great source of support and comfort. But they cannot replace the unique relationship that has ended.
It’s not that big a deal, right? I mean, your relationship doesn’t look the way I would define a committed couple. Polyamory offers a lot of room for different kinds of relationships, different levels of commitment, different avenues to be together than might otherwise be explored. While this in and of itself can be complicated, especially if the people involved aren’t on the same page, it means that just because I don’t live with someone, or share a bed with them, or don’t see them everyday doesn’t dictate the depth of my emotional commitment or love for that person.
There are other questions, of course. There always are. And there are a lot of us who are publicly open about being polyamorous to ask.
A personal post script: I realized I hadn’t written about either of these break-ups on any social medium, for fear it would get back to the people who I’m referring to, both of whom, in this particular situation, left me very suddenly, and without warning. I considered blocking a few people before writing this, not out of malice, but to feel safe in my self expression. The truth is, it wouldn’t matter. In the age of the internet, there is always a way for someone to find something if they look hard enough, or for someone else to betray your trust and offer it up to them anyway. So I’m simply writing, which is what I have always done, and what I am doing now.
janainaart
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