Mandy's Song

Constantly learning that if I don’t fill my mind with prayer, I fill it with anxiety, worry, temptations and resentment.

Envy is when someone walks around with a pocket full of “That should’ve been me”. Insecurity is when you turn up the volume on all the wrong voices. Hate is what happens when you put a shotgun to the face of understanding and it cowers in the corner. Courage is ripping your heart from your chest and saying “Here, hold on to this for me”. Truth is everything you tell yourself when you realize you are the only one still paying attention. Self is whoever you become when the door is locked. Trust is jumping into someone’s arms and knowing you won’t have to pick yourself up when it’s over. Love is a tablespoon full of hemlock that I’ve been dying to try. Faith is doing what you love and watching the bills pay themselves. Failure is when you talk yourself out of becoming something amazing. Victory is standing in front of the school bully with no intention to back down and a fist full of irony. Success is explaining to your mother exactly what you do for a living without feeling ashamed. It’s falling asleep at 2 A.M., waking up at 4 A.M. and going to work with excitement stitched into the fabric of your smile. Success is a thank you letter from a kid who lives in a city that you’ve never even been to. It’s breaking up a fight between a person and everything that’s telling them they will never be more than what they are. When I was fourteen, my friend Adam stole a dictionary from his English class. He brought it home and we set it on fire. Since then, I’ve been defining things for myself.

It is not the high summer alone that is God’s. The winter also is His. And into His winter He came to visit us. And all man’s winters are His–the winter of our poverty, the winter of our sorrow, the winter of our unhappiness–even ‘the winter of our discontent

Joy comes to us in moments - ordinary moments. We risk missing out on joy when we get too busy chasing down the extraordinary.

Tips for living alone

If you live in an one-room apartment, put a screen around your bed. It’ll feel less like you visit people, esp. strangers, into your bedroom. Also you’ll feel much safer sleeping in the enclosure. Cook enough for a few meals each time you cook, and freeze the extra food. That way you’ll prevent things from expiring and it’s great when you don’t feel like cooking or have no time or energy for it.

get an app like safetrek. never walk into allies or empty streets if there is a more populated/well-lit route to your destination. keep emergency contacts in your wallet and a red cross card with your blood type on it in case anything happens. carry a list of medications you’re allergic to, if any. 

I want your Monday morning sleep soaked eyes dream drenched voice, lazy bones ‘five more minutes please babe.’ I want your Tuesday afternoon coffee break, glasses off, laughter on ‘just hold me for a while it’s been a hard day.’ I want your Wednesday evening fingers through hair teeth nibbling nails neck craning, eye glazing ‘this paperwork never ends’ I want your Thursday night drinks for two bones unbind muscles let loose flats, slacks, ‘just me and you’ I want your finally Friday stretch soul smile, sun sipping light from the glaciers in your eyes fingers unfurl, hand extends ‘c’mon babe, lets go wild’ I want your weekend. your movie marathon Saturday reading by the fireplace kissing in the blankets want your Sunday morning orange juice and pancakes white sheets, tender skin hair like the Fourth of July ‘let’s not get out of bed today.’ I want your ordinary and your stress, rest, release I want your bad day and that terrible night I want you drunk in my arms forgetting the place but never my name I want your lazy and your lonely and your fist full of fight I want you everyday in every way for the rest of my life.

There are days or weeks or even months when I read the Bible and there are no grand epiphanies. There are whole seasons of Sundays when I sing praise and feel nothing. There are times of prayer where the silence kills me. There are great Christian books and podcasts that I eat up which don’t budge my spiritual life. There are too many times when I doubt the very existence of God and the sending of His Son. It can all feel like a crazy lie. I’m probably being too honest — but I’ve found that I’m not the only one who feels this way. It’s in those times that I ask myself, “Am I out of love with God somehow? Am I losing my faith here? How do I get back to where I used to be?” But I keep reading my Bible. I keep singing on Sundays. I keep praying. I soak in books and sermons. I serve. I enjoy the company of mature Christians. I enjoy the fellowship of the broken. And you know what? Sometimes the clouds part and God comes through and His love squeezes my heart and I fall to my knees remembering how good He is. Then I read Scripture and can’t stop weeping and I turn on Christian songs in my car full blast and sing loud enough to scare the traffic. I serve with shaking hands and get convicted by those sermons and soak in God’s goodness all over again. So I’ve learned over time: I wasn’t really out of love with God. I’m just a fragile human being who changes as much as the weather. I was setting a ridiculous standard for myself that can’t be defined by self-pressuring parameters. I was tricked by the enemy into judging my flesh. My faith is based on His grace and not my feelings. And I think I need to relax.

In every season of the soul, teach my heart to sing