MARIPOSA

I’ve been trying to figure out whether or not im a lesbian and it’s been a weird journey for sure

sometimes i feel okay but my brain won’t stop telling me to hurt myself. or that i should die. that’s hard. the moments when i think my brain is finally quiet and then the static hits. and then the static turns into a full on production trying to convince me to off myself. i hate living in my head

i don’t want to be here. i don’t want to be here

there is something in me that’s just wrong. i can only hide it for so long before people begin to realize im broken and dont want me. before they realize what they think is magic is a curse. i hate myself. and eventually everyone i meet hates me, too

i feel so numb. i just want to feel something

everyone wants me to be better. i want me to be better. but my brain doesn’t get better. meds. therapy. workouts. psych wards. prayers i barely believe in. none of it fixes me. and because none of it fixes me everyone worries. every movement is under a microscope. everyone wonders when i will have to go back to canyon ridge. but if i die…then no one has to worry anymore

i want to hurt myself. i want to keep hurting myself. i want to disappear. i want to be believed. i want the pain to go away. the only way to never hurt anyone and to never hurt is not to exist. i was a bird looking for a cage. now i am just looking for death

i am a bottomless pit. i am empty. i am nothing. i am worthless. i am not strong enough to fix myself. i don’t want to be fixed. i don’t want to be saved. i want to sleep. i never want to stop sleeping

i just wish something would kill me

i can’t even kill myself when i know everything and everyone will be better without me. I’m sorry I’m a selfish coward I’m so sorry

i am nothing. i am nothing. i don’t deserve to exist

i am a useless, worthless piece of shit. i hate myself. i hate everything about me

last year i didn’t want to see 27. this year i don’t want to see 28. i am a coward.

I want to die

im so sorry. im so sorry to everyone. im so sorry to people that see my posts. to my friends. my boyfriend. my family. you don’t deserve to deal with this. to have me in your life. im so sorry

i want to die. life would be better without me. im so sorry to everyone i love that i insist on staying alive

every voice in my head is telling the truth. the world is lying to me. the truth is that I’m nothing. That there is nothing good in me. That i don’t do anything good for the world.