There is a construction project on I-95. There is always a construction project on I-95. No one is ever seen working on it, and no one is quite sure what’s being done. Each day the piles of asphalt are moved slightly to the left.
Fairmount Park has many fun activities for families, including concerts, picnic areas, hiking trails, and bottomless pits covered by rusty metal grates. Go ahead, throw a rock in, listen to the sound it doesn’t make.
A homeless man outside a bar tells you a joke: What’s long and hard and in between two nuts? Sansom Street! At the next bar, the same man tells the same joke. He does not recognize you. This continues throughout the night.
There is nothing in the abandoned tunnels beneath City Hall. Do not go to the abandoned tunnels beneath City Hall. Do not think about them; they are not for you.
A new charter school has opened up. No adults are seen going in and out, only children wearing khaki pants and blank expressions. One of them will sell you miniature pies from her backpack, if you ask politely.
You can park your car anywhere. You can park on the sidewalk. You can park in the middle of the street. You can park in your front yard. But you do not, under any circumstances, remove the plastic lawn chair from a parking space.
There is no 14th street. Why would there be a 14th street? You do not make eye-contact with strangers when traveling between 15th and 13th.
You see a chicken crossing a busy intersection. At least, you assume it’s a chicken. Nobody questions this.
There’s a Mummers clubhouse nearby. There is usually glitter on the sidewalk outside. The glitter gets into your shoes, your hair, your mouth. You have never met any of the Mummers - they move in packs, they frighten you. You find an invitation to a Beef and Beer in your pocket, and fifty raffle tickets you do not remember purchasing.
The Phillies are running a promotion. You buy an 80%-off ticket, receive your complimentary hat with an embroidered picture of a hat on it (this hat also has a small hat of its own), and a hot dog for $20. There is no one else in the stands aside from the man selling beer. ICE-COLD BEER, GET YOUR ICE-COLD BEER HERE, he yells to you, frantically, from across the stadium. PLEASE, PLEASE JUST BUY A BEER. The Phanatic is doing sexually-suggestive cartwheels on the field.
Gradually, you replace all nouns in your conversations with the word ‘jawn’. Everyone still understands what you mean.
When you were seven, you tied together the laces of an old pair of sneakers and threw them onto a telephone line. You didn’t know why. Every time you got a new pair, you threw your previous pair over a telephone line. When you were thirteen, you stopped, and immediately forgot that you’d ever done it. Still, sometimes you pass by the abandoned shoes of others, hanging off telephone lines, and you wonder.
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