#reader beware

you said it was 5 female ROs and 4 male. It isn't - it's 7 female and 4 male.

Uhm, no. Hate to be that person, you even said it yourself: if you choose both gender selectable characters in @haydenigmatic's AMAZING story to be male, you actually have 5 female ROs and 4 male ROs. (Sorry for tagging you again, Hayden)

criticizing and pointing out unfair treatment

You really think that a story that has more female ROs than male ROs in an environment where we have way more stories with more male ROs than female ROs is "unfair treatment"? Are lesbians not allowed to swoon over some more women for a change? Maybe lesbians should now complain about every IF that has more male ROs? Does everything have to be about you?

try being gay in a country were it gets you killed if people find out. We have a literal death penalty, which my family fully supports. Our country is also extremely ableistic, which means that getting a higher education is out of question for me, meaning the only job I could get would be minimum wage. And I'm still passed over for those, because again ableism. So I'm fully dependent on my parents.

Since we are in a pissing contest now, let me dig up everything I've been through.

My country might not go to these extremes, but my neighborhood might if they find out I am nonbinary.

I've been bullied for 5 years in school, and later I was bullied another 2 years at a job I had.

My mom had lung cancer; the tumor ended up pressing on her heart until it stopped beating. I was 20.

My father had an operation on an artery close to his heart when I was 12 years old. His heart stopped beating during the operation and he was technically dead for a few minutes. He was never the same again after this. He had memory issues as if he had dementia, but the doctors found everything was okay with him.

Speaking of my father, he was a choleric asshole that beat me; also, he gave me and my brother massive insecurities and was the most emotionally unavailable person I know (except for anger, he always expressed that very well in his own way).

My father also had pancreatic cancer. I took care of him for nearly a year until he passed away, even though he was such a massive asshole. Why? Daddy issues.

The tumor pushed against the walls of his stomach and caused internal bleedings. The bleedings got worse and worse until he passed away from blood loss. I was 24; he passed away only 4 years after my mother.

Did you know that you get hallucinations if you suffer from extreme blood loss? I didn't, until I visited my dad in the hospital one day before he passed away. I still have nightmares. It's been nine years.

My brother and me weren't allowed to pursue careers that we would have enjoyed; we were pushed into fields that were not suited for us.

It took me YEARS to get a diagnosis about my neurodivergence. Why? Because where I live, neurodivergence is seen as something only children can have. And if you are not diagnosed as a child, you might as well just live the rest of your life with it, even if it sometimes seems impossible.

My brother, who I live with, doesn't know about me being nonbinary, because I'm afraid that the only person I love will push me away and I will lose my home.

I was sexually assaulted multiple times in my life and raped when I was 21 years old.

I have had exes that manipulated and assaulted me.

I am severely depressed and have been living with suicidal thoughts for most of my life now, even though I never acted on them.

I am in financial debt.

I don't even have friends or a support system in real life.

Yet, despite all of this, I am not coming for random people on the internet who share what they love for free.

In fact, I'm not messaging anyone unless I have something nice to say, and if I have criticism, I word it in a nice and constructive way, so people don't take it the wrong way; I want to be constructive, not destructive.

Despite all of what I've experienced, I don't think someone treats me or a group I am part of unfairly because a story they write doesn't cater to my every whim. And I surely don't attack them just because their story might not be my cup of tea.

I share a computer with my sister and everything we do on it is monitored.

Interesting how you are allowed on tumblr. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt here.

My sister tried to write some (family friendly, only straight characters and the furthest it went was kissing) fan fiction for a TV show and got banned from the computer for nearly 6 months, she was grounded and her phone was broken. Not to mention all the shouting and insults our parents threw at her for being disgusting and impure, or the physical punishment. She's 16. What do these kind, supportive friends of yours think our parents would do to me if they found me writing something with gay characters in it? The people who will yell at, insult and hit someone for writing a straight couple kissing?

Yeah, that sucks. That sucks a lot. And I think everyone agrees with that.

But why are you continuing the circle of hate? The only difference is that you spew online at strangers you don't know. But your words are still hurtful.

And do you really think that bashing/harassing an author (or, at this point, multiple authors) who writes stories you might be interested in is the right move? We write the stories you want to read! We pour our hearts into it and share these stories with you, for free! What do you think would happen if everyone did what you do? Would we still have IFs to read? I doubt it.

So, why are you trying your very best to manipulate me into saying "Oh my god yes, you are right, your harassment is totally justified! It should at least be the same amount of male and female ROs!"

And don't even dare saying you're not. It's very obvious. You are not subtle.

But maybe you don't even realize what you are doing. I'm giving you another benefit of doubt here.

Lastly:

Part 2-Noah

"Lilly's on her way." Nicholas dropped down in the chair next to him.

Noah's heart sank into his stomach. Five years of successfully staying out of her way was about to go to shit. At first he'd done it to make it easier on her. Or so he told himself. But after five years, he had to admit it was because he was nothing but a coward, too scared to face the worst mistake he'd ever made. Hurting her. He could still see the look on her face when he'd come home that morning.

The way those brilliant blue eyes of hers, bloodshot from lack of sleep and undoubtedly hours of crying, tracked his movements as he quietly went up the stairs to take a shower. The pain etched on her face. He'd never seen her so fragile. He'd left the shower and gone downstairs, ready for her anger. Ready for the fight that he was sure was going to happen after what he'd done. Instead he'd gone down just in time to watch her pull out of the driveway. No yelling. No screaming. No crying. She just left. And he did nothing to try to stop her. He knew what he had done. The final nail in the coffin.

"I should leave. I'm not needed here."

"Stop being a fucking coward. I love you, man. But you can't run from what you did forever. Been sober for three years now and you're still too chicken shit to face her."

Ouch. He was right, but ouch. Noah had made amends with everyone he had hurt during those years he had tried to drink himself to death. But the thought of facing her fucking terrified him. Before that last year he had been sure he was going to marry her someday. Shit, even during that last year of their relationship he had been sure of it. Up until he just kept fucking it up more and more, too chicken shit to face his own demons like a grownup.

"Does she know I'm here?"

"Yes. We all promised to keep you away from her unless she wants to speak to you."

Noah grimaced. Sure, he had known deep down that they all kept in contact with her. She was like everyone's little sister. He didn't expect them to just drop out of her life, or her theirs. She'd known all but Nicholas longer than he'd known them, anyway. That didn't stop him from feeling a little hurt by them keeping it from him for so long, though. They could have been honest with him. He knew he had fucked up. He had known the second he let another woman hang all over him that night. Knew as soon as he followed her out the door instead of going straight home to the woman that had moved all the way across the country with him. Bought a house with him.

The door opened and his breath caught in his throat, his heart beginning to hammer in his chest. Palms sweaty he looked up, leg starting to bounce anxiously. There she stood, Jolly wrapping her up in a tight hug. Time seemed to stand still as she turned towards him, her impossibly blue eyes locking on his. No anger. No hatred. Not even a hint of an emotion in them. Just blank. Fuck.

***

Noah shifted uncomfortably, trying his best not to stare at her. Everyone was gathered in the backyard, a fire in the pit, sharing stories of Danny. All evening he had avoided being near her, though everything in him begged to touch her. It was enough to slowly drive him insane. All he wanted was to sit next to her. Hold her hand. Shit, just hold her. To hear her say his name again. But he couldn't do that anymore. He had given up that right.

Lilith's laugh filtered through everything else, and he was sure he was going to pass out right there where he sat, directly across the fire from her. Instead he took a sip of his water, if for nothing else other than a distraction.

"Noah, you have to finish telling them. I can't." Lilith interrupted his thoughts, her laughter echoing in his head. She spoke to him? Said his name? Oh, fuck.

"Jolly asked how she got the Thumbelina nickname," Nicholas whispered, knowing he had been too caught up in his head to know.

Noah smirked, remembering Danny telling him about this story on the phone that day.

"Danny stopped by when we were on tour to check in on her, like I had asked. Apparently she was too caught up in planting those flowers right back there," he gestured towards the flower bush she had planted all those years ago. "And when he said hi she threw one of the bushes at him, thinking he was an intruder." Noah couldn't help but join her in her laughter at the memory. "Danny dubbed her Thumbelina from that moment on."

Noah met her eyes from across the fire as they laughed together, and suddenly everything felt somewhat okay. There was joy back in her eyes, etched across her face. Her smile took over her face, breathing life back into her. He may not be the cause of it, but it was a sight he thought he'd never see again.

"Wait. I thought Noah gave you that nickname. Who started calling you Bambi?" Jolly interjected.

Noah choked on his water, sputtering at the nickname he had always called her. That was one of his favorite memories, though rather private. And not a story he was keen on telling without her permission. The way she had insisted that she didn't need him to help her up after the first time they'd had sex. How she had stumbled and flipped him off the second he said "You sure about that, Bambi?"

Lilith laughed. A full on genuine laugh that came from her toes. God, he had missed that sound. He had missed the way she never held back her true laugh. The way she laughed with every fiber of her being.

Jolly looked between the two of them, her unable to control her laughter, him hiding his face the best he could. Noah watched as realization set into his friends features, and quickly avoided eye contact with him.

"Awe, man! What the fuck?"

Noah couldn't hold back his own laughter anymore, joining Lilith. Jesus Christ, he had missed this. Missed her.

MY DETAILED REVIEW (SPOILER WARNING): The summary provided on Goodreads does not do this book justice. the cover does not do this book justice. The illustrations within this book, honestly, do. They're fantastic, and I had no idea they were even included, but they truly helped me with imagining some of the tougher scenarios.

Unfortunately, I can't speak much to the illustrations within, though, as Beauregard does a wonderful job of painting a picture with his writing. There are several scenes that have stuck with me over the past week since I finished this book.

To begin, the scene with Geraldine in her room of mirrors was horrific. I don't mean the flashbacks (though those were just as bad), I mean the descriptions of her using the nastiest, crustiest, most unclean dildo I have ever heard of in my life. The scene of her forcing Rock to perform oral on her is equally as horrific.

The flashbacks are something that stick in my head, too. Geraldine is truly a severely depraved individual, using her mother's feces to masturbate with and then raping her mother literally to death sets up a very horrible, vivid example of just how depraved Geraldine is. The fact that she later hires a Nazi to work with her only adds to this.

The traps within the book are some of the best extreme horror traps I have ever seen. The scene with Bobby riding the poor Grimley girl had me literally put my phone down in shock for a few minutes! The illustration that tagged along helped it quite a bit.

Overall, there isn't much I can say about this book that wouldn't be ridiculously repetitive. If you're new to splatterpunk, this is certainly on the more extreme side, so I can't recommend it to total beginners, but if you like the Saw movies and feel like they could go further, this is definitely where it's at.