vanquisher of evil.

kindness? what kindness? how?

Dove cameron in nyc

Amma Crellin, Sharp Objects (2018)

“She’s a monster.”

What did you see that night? The night Laura Palmer was killed.

i will never understand love.

i will never comprehend how the insults equated to my betterment, or how the shame would teach me honour. we are tragedy written in the stars, yet i don't yearn to be the daughter of anyone else, to be born onto this earth, stark naked, unaware of what was waiting for me. consumed of hatred, venom slipping incessently to justify, my actions and yours. broken glass, bruises and belittlement, i will never comprehend how those were the very lips which spoke luck to me before exams.

i can't look at photos, i can't stand in the same room as you without losing my mind. yet, i remember just yesterday you placed a mouse on my desk because i mentioned that my hand hurt from the scrolling. the grapes when i study, sitting with me at night, testing me on my knowledge, preparing for exams. the fights, the petty insults, all i want is to run away, yet you made me who i am today.

every drop of love i pour into the world, was because of you.

every seed of kindness i sow, was your action.

i couldn't understand love when you came into my room and told me it's mother's day. tears in your eyes as you hugged me tight, i forgot we were fighting yesterday. i grieved you, us, while you were two rooms, one wall away.

you made me who i am today, the good, the bad, the ugly, you made me a mother.

i love you.

the first time in years i've heard those words uttered in the air. and it was moments like this, my failures, the scars littered across my body and mind, are gone. i'm a little girl again, playing with little horses, sitting in pink frock, my oiled hair in two braids, i'm rushing to the door dropping everything in my hand to give you a hug, "amma, office ela vellindhi?".

i'm that little girl.

so innocent and naive, so unaware, my mind a stark contrast to now. we're worn away by time. i'm sorry i wasn't who you needed but i'm sorry you are my mother. you deserve a child who could give you what the world has stolen.

i can never understand your love. the good, the bad, the ugly, i will never understand your love. grief more powerful than yours, a loss more numbing than i could feel, i'm sorry we are a tragedy written in the stars. yet your embrace is my haven, beauty as perfect like gold twinkling on mother lakshmi's necklace. i could never understand sacrifice greater than yours, the bringer of my tears, the awakening of my life,

dear amma.

can anyone hear me?

I hurt so deeply,