"Nuh"

I feel so hollow ever since i let the voices speak over me. I used to think I was so colorful but now i realize i am just a nobody and my body and mind is a vessel. I used to have control over my body and my thoughts but now i am a blank sheet. Untouched, untorn. Just glided all the way from nowhere to down until i hit the ground and get my first dent. Then getting stepped on over and over by people walking by until I get dirty, yet still remain unused because no one ever picked me up and thought i was "useful". Every emotion I ever felt feels fake, like I decieved you all. I am not "N" or "Nuh" anymore. I am simply no one. Nothing that I ever knew about myself makes sense anymore. What do I like? What did I like? What do I want to do next? My body doesn't feel mine anymore. Who or what am i really and why are these people here with me? It is hard to keep up with anything anymore. Should I just let myself go? I am just a pesky thought in this sea of bright emotions. Such warm lights, and cold lights, forming gradients, combinations of colors that you can find eye-straining, pleasant, everything else. So many of these colors and textures here and I am none of them. So many new people you would rather talk to instead of me. I am not entertaining at all. I am just confused and clueless. I ask again, Should I let myself go? But how?

But I had so many dreams. So many people that I loved. I wanted to love. Where is my love? Where are all my ambitions? My name, gender, my orientation, my voice, where are they now? Where is my anger? Where is my fear? Am I sad? Am i grieving? Who or what am i grieving? Where is my hope? Where is the warmth of light or cold of darkness?

I feel so hollow ever since i let the voices speak over me. I used to think I was so colorful but now i realize i am just a nobody and my body and mind is a vessel. I used to have control over my body and my thoughts but now i am a blank sheet. Untouched, untorn. Just glided all the way from nowhere to down until i hit the ground and get my first dent. Then getting stepped on over and over by people walking by until I get dirty, yet still remain unused because no one ever picked me up and thought i was "useful". Every emotion I ever felt feels fake, like I decieved you all. I am not "N" or "Nuh" anymore. I am simply no one. Nothing that I ever knew about myself makes sense anymore. What do I like? What did I like? What do I want to do next? My body doesn't feel mine anymore. Who or what am i really and why are these people here with me? It is hard to keep up with anything anymore. Should I just let myself go? I am just a pesky thought in this sea of bright emotions. Such warm lights, and cold lights, forming gradients, combinations of colors that you can find eye-straining, pleasant, everything else. So many of these colors and textures here and I am none of them. So many new people you would rather talk to instead of me. I am not entertaining at all. I am just confused and clueless. I ask again, Should I let myself go? But how?

But I had so many dreams. So many people that I loved. I wanted to love. Where is my love? Where are all my ambitions? My name, gender, my orientation, my voice, where are they now? Where is my anger? Where is my fear? Am I sad? Am i grieving? Who or what am i grieving? Where is my hope? Where is the warmth of light or cold of darkness?