it's a part of you, so use it

He’d turned being alone into his super power by building a wall around his heart, laying each brick with the kind of precision only a man like Tim could manage, until he was certain no one could get through unless he opened the door himself.  And it worked. It worked for years.  Until Lucy.

Lucy pulls back, and he immediately releases his hold, only for her to pull her damp shirt over her head and throw it on the floor. The expression on her face leaves nothing to the imagination. Then she immediately steps back into him, marvelling at his shocked expression. She loves that she's still able to do this—take this overprepared man by surprise.

His fingers sink into her hair, tangling briefly through her mussed up waves before running absentmindedly up and down her back.  She’s not sure he’s even realized he’s doing it, the move so natural, so familiar. His fingers dance along her spine, a trail of goosebumps rising up in their wake.  And for a fleeting moment, she forgets. It feels like before. When things were good—no, great—between them. When his arms were her safe refuge and his heartbeat was the soundtrack playing in the background of her most joyous moments. When they were blissfully happy together, their entire future laid out in front of them. Lucy allows herself that one moment to linger, relishing in the comfort and warmth of being back in his embrace. Her eyes flutter shut, and for a minute, the rest of the world fades away, and she manages to pretend—that he didn’t walk away, that they weren’t broken, that the last few weeks were just a horrible nightmare that she’s finally waking up from. But when she feels Tim’s arm tighten around her, his lips pressing tenderly against the top of her head, it all comes screaming back into focus.  He hurt her. The one person who she trusted with her heart, her life, her future… had gone and snatched it right out of her reach. It’s a sobering thought, like a bucket of ice water thrown in her face. She freezes, her muscles going rigid, and she can tell the second he feels it, his own arm tensing around her. This, being here in this warm little bubble of happiness—it was only ever going to be temporary.  She may feel safe with him, physically, his arms strong and solid, protecting her like a safe haven from the pain of the world around them. She’d still trust him with her life, even after everything.  But she’s not prepared to trust him with her heart. She can’t. Not now. It’s all too raw and too painful and too much to bear.

She appreciates how hard he’s been trying, but she can't help but wish he would increase the doses a little, namely by being more present in her life. She wants late-night takeout less than she wants him at the desk across from her. She wants the cute dog pics, yes, but she also wants to run around in the backyard with the cute dog and the cute man behind the camera. More than anything, she misses his companionship. It’s maybe too soon for an intimate movie night on her couch, but would it kill him to take her out for coffee instead of just bringing it to her? But maybe he doesn’t want that. She knows he’s kept up with therapy. Maybe he’s taken the time to reflect on their relationship and realized that, while it was valuable to him, it’s ultimately not what he needs in the long term. So he’s committed to giving her his little tokens of appreciation, because he’s a man of his word, but he’s not keen on spending his free time with her or rekindling things. Lucy sips her oat nog latte and tries to tamp down her longing for days gone by.

“I can’t thank you all enough for stepping up tonight,” she says to Laura, one of Tim’s friends from the VA. “Oh please,” she scoffs. “Like any of us were going to pass up the chance to meet the famous Lucy.” She snaps her head up. “He talks about me?” Laura glances over to the dunk tank, where Tim is showing a little girl how to throw the perfect pitch. She smiles at him with a maternal fondness before looking back at Lucy. “Sweetie, you’re all he talks about." She opens and closes her mouth several times, too shocked to form words. The fact that Tim talks at all is surprising enough, but he talks about her, his ex-girlfriend? “That man loves you, and he’s determined to be good enough to deserve you.” “He already is,” Lucy says sadly. Laura nods in agreement, pressing her lips together and following Lucy’s gaze. “And one day soon, he’ll see that. Just be patient with him.”

“Lucy may have been my choice for a covert rescue, but I wasn’t hers.” Tim tenses, midway through reaching for his notebook. Frustration builds beneath the base of his ribs. He doesn’t have the patience to chase down some other inexperienced UC. “You were.” Noah’s next words take the wind right out of Tim’s sails, his brain struggling to switch gears. “What?” He can practically hear the corner of Noah’s lips draw up in amusement at the memory. “Yeah. It wasn’t something she was very open about. Went against everything our instructors taught us about setting up a safety net. But I did get it out of her eventually. I got the sense she’d already seen some shit out there and after everything, you were the only one she trusted.” You’re that Bradford. Half forgotten words that had been heard when he was grumpy and longing to just get back to bed suddenly echo in his ears. That Bradford.

He drives them to the only diner he knows will be open, even at this hour on Christmas Eve. He holds the door open for her like he always does – and somehow it feels like nothing has ever changed between them since the day Wrigley dropped her off in a diner and Tim came in to check on her and send her off on a call on foot. They barely knew each other then. But everything has changed. Everything, for better and for worse. And yet, a part of her knows the story isn’t over. It’s not. It can’t be. This can’t be how they end up.