#oooof

And then right after this, Buck files the lawsuit. So he's dealing terribly with the Shannon of it all and then Buck leaves him and Chris without a word, because since we don't see Buck telling Eddie, it is safe to assume he did not find out via Buck, so that has to trigger feelings around the way Shannon left with a note that gave him no explanations. This has to hit harder because Chris is also very attached to Buck, and he just went through something traumatic that Eddie couldn't relate to and he very clearly expected the way Buck had been attuned to his need up to this point, for Buck to just help him, because considering the whole thing, Buck is one of the few people in Eddie's life who help him without making Eddie feel like a failure for needing help. He offers help before Eddie is ready to ask and he does it in a way that just gives Eddie a place to lean into. And Buck doesn't really have an obligation to them, you can't really expect your best friend to consider you and your child in every decision. But Buck is an easy target; he's not his father or the mother of his child, and it's easier to be mad than admit that he's hurt and just misses Buck. So it's easier to shut Buck out before he gets the chance to really hurt him. Also, I don't think he wanted to be the one to reach out again after what happened to Shannon.

But Buck also does the thing that solidifies their connection, solidifies the way Eddie cannot be rational when it comes to Buck, because Buck is willing to put in the effort in a way Shannon or Ramon never did. Buck reaches out, he apologizes, he promises not to do it again and he means it. Once Eddie sees that, it's over for him, because Buck is the only person to fight for space in Eddie's life like that, when you spend your whole life watching people walk out, that type of effort is lethal. There's also the lingering layer of the way Buck almost died 3 times in less than 6 months and Eddie shut Shannon out for months and then she died and even if their relationship wasn't meant to be, it is months he "lost" with someone he loved, extra months with Shannon he denied Chris of, and he probably didn't want to make that mistake again because that is Eddie "tomorrow isn't promised to anyone" Diaz. He's not gonna let himself lose the only person in his life who ever apologized for leaving.

There's also the layer of the relationship with Ana, because Eddie doesn't want to be alone, and yes, he ends up staying longer than he should because it gets too hard to leave once Chris is also a variable, but Ana is safe, and Eddie never had that. But she's safe for all the wrong reasons, because he does care for her, but he doesn't love her, so she can't hurt him. Until the relationship does hurt him and he leaves. And that also plays further in s5 with the way Eddie lashes out at Bobby for not letting him back in. He feels left behind after the bar, but again, it's easier to be mad than it is to be hurt. And that is an instance that drives me particularly wild because it is a result of the pathological need to accommodate the people he loves at the expense of himself, which is a consequence of his abandonment issues, but that tendency is actively triggering his abandonment issues. He left because he thought it would be what was best for Chris without fully considering the help he needed, and by doing that, he felt left behind by the support system he made the choice to leave. And that plays such a big part in his breakdown and also the way he confronts his father because he still has the support system, Buck and Bobby prove that to him, so he can't figure out why his own father couldn't be there for him. It plays so much into the way he overcompensates when it comes to accommodating the people he loves.

That obviously bleeds into s6 and the start of his relationship with Marisol because Buck left him in a permanent way, he died, but then when he comes back, he starts dating someone else, which sends Eddie into the state that makes him latch onto the "we all die alone". He's used to people leaving him, and working around it instead of trying to hold on too tight is the way he does things. It forces him to take what people tell him at face value and take what he thinks they need from him—or don't need in the case of the cemetery scene and how he interpreted what Buck said— and overcompensate in his need to accommodate them at the expense of how he feels. That's also part of why Buck put Eddie in the hospital, and he blamed himself for not realizing what Buck needed, even though Buck was being unreasonable.

Which brings us to Kim, Kim is Shannon without the expectation. Eddie will forever miss Shannon, but Kim, at first, is his chance to stop missing her for a bit without being forced to confront the bad feelings attached to her. But that was always bound to explode because he ignores his own feelings for the sake of other people, and he can't really ignore his feelings for Shannon while staring at her ghost. And that leads to Eddie's biggest trigger and the event that makes Eddie overcompensate the most. Eddie will always ignore his own feelings for Christopher and that means he had to accept the fact that Chris wanted to get away from him. It is reflected on the way he says he doesn't want to break the door down, the way that even when he's in Texas, he still lets Chris lead, because his instinct will always be to accommodate the people he loves over his own feelings. But Chris leaving triggers the same things that Shannon asking for the divorce does, the question of whether he is a good enough father, a good enough person, and his abandonment issues lead him to the belief that he is not worthy of good things. It doesn't matter that he was in a situation that would've triggered anyone, it doesn't matter that Kim forced him to confront stuff she had no business touching. Eddie trained himself to not want things, to make what he needs as small as possible, to always think about what someone else needs at the cost of his own happiness. And Chris is at the top of that list. And he lets this idea that Chris needs to take initiative, since Chris was the one to initiate the separation, until Chris needs him more. Then the being useful overwrite takes over in the same way that allowed him to finally reach out to Shannon.

But that's also what creates the issues with Buck during s8. Because in Eddie's priority list, Buck is right below Chris. Eddie will do anything for Buck as long as it's not at the expense of what Eddie believes is best for Chris. Which is why he reacts the way he does to Buck sabotaging the house showing and assumes that's what Buck is asking, because Buck is acting up, willing the hurt him, like with 704, and his instinct is to let Buck feel his feelings and take the brunt of it, so that Buck's feelings won't get big enough for Buck to leave him like he did during the lawsuit, and honestly, Buck takes advantage of that when he's insecure, he knows he can't push Eddie away for good, but he pushes so that Eddie will reassure him, but during 809, in Eddie's head, the reasurance Buck needs leads to him not getting Christopher back, so he can't let Buck act out.

And it's also the thing with the 817 fight, because Texas isn't what's best for Chris anymore, but he trained himself to never do what he wants, so he can't just decide to come back to LA after making the whole thing about how he needed to do this right, buying the house, trying to build a life in a place he is unhappy in. But he thinks that if he pushes enough, then Buck will do something that allows him to stay, that gives him the excuse to do what he wants in the name of accommodating someone he loves. But also because his own issues are making him need Buck in a way Buck can't show up for at the time, and it clashes with Buck's brand of abandonment issues, because he doesn't think he has the right to ask Eddie to stay while Eddie needs Buck to tell he needs him so that he can pack his bags and come back for real. So, obviously, they go out of sync trying to let the other do what's best for them. And it's also why at that point, anyone telling Eddie point-blank to stay would work. He can't be the person to make the choice, because making that choice would be putting himself first. And he can't put himself first because his whole life has been about ignoring his needs in favor of not being a problem to the people around him, and Eddie has no idea how to turn that off, because he thinks if he has nothing to offer, then people won't stay with him. Also because when Eddie voices his wants, bad things happen, Shannon dies, Chris leaves, so he can't make the choice himself, because he doesn't think he deserves to feel happy.

"You still coming over tonight?" You ask as you walk across the room, your fingers tapping along the small box that sat on your desk. A present you decided to get Logan, a nice little silver watch he can wear. There was a moment of silence, "Lo?"

A small sigh,

"Sorry. I can't. I have to work."

Your face fell, but you took a deep breath. "Oh, that's alright!" You say, putting on your best happy-go-lucky voice. You didn't want him to feel bad, just by the tone of his voice you could tell he was having a bad day. "We'll plan for another night baby. You get a request?"

"Yeah, Bachelors party." He says. "Big payout."

"Oooh....Nice paycheck then huh? You can make it up to me later by taking me out somewhere nice then." You tease. You couldn't see the fond smile on his face, but you could picture it.

"Yeah. We'll plan on it. Promise." He says. You chewed on your lip, as you felt that swell of emptiness build up inside you.

Another night alone.

"Sunshine?"

"Huh?" You snapped out of your thoughts. "Sorry, sorry-" You laughed. "Zoned out again. What?"

"I gotta go, got a job. I'll call you later, or in the morning. That alright?"

"Yes, of course." You smiled. "Be safe, okay tough guy?"

You heard a warm chuckle, which made you relax. "Yeah, I will. See you doll."

You heard the phone beep and sighed. Alright.

You and Logan had been dating for a little bit. Meeting in a small little diner that you waitress at. It started as harmless flirting, but then you both managed to find yourself able to talk to each other so easily. Logan listened to you, seemed so openly accepting of you. How could you not be drawn to him?

You thought yourself a little ridiculous for gaining a crush on an older man like Logan, but then his weathered charm got to you - and you just couldn't help it. You'd slip him extra treats on the down-low, not charging him for them. An extra cup of coffee, a slice of apple pie, once you even managed to slip him a stack of pancakes. He'd smile at you and your antics as you slide the plate across the counter and give him a wink- his smile being something tired yet warm that made your knees weak and butterflies shoot through you.

You put more effort into your appearance, especially when you knew he was going to be there. Dolling yourself up - not your usual thing to do but when you got a man like Logan coming around...Well, it's hard not to want to look pretty for him.

It was you that finally convinced him to go on a date with you, and you surprised him by taking him to a gorgeous museum the next city over. You had wondered initially if he scoff at that- him being the gruff and older man he is, but he seemed to really enjoy it. He listened to you ramble on and on about Vincent Van Gogh, one of your favorite painters as you listed everything you knew about him, explaining the misconceptions about him as a painter and a person.

You took the charge of the relationship that formed between you. You planned dates, which seemed to make Logan happy- your infectious happiness- not rubbing off on him but more giving him some much needed relief in what you must believe is a very stressful life for him. He deemed you his sunshine, a pet-name you wore with pride.

You believe it's stressful- or rather assume. He never really told you about his personal life. You know he was a limo driver, you know he lived on the outskirts of town - you never been where he lived. He mentioned something about taking care of his father. He's shared a few stories- always seemingly missing information in them like he was purposely leaving out parts of them.

It made it worse by the fact that he really is the only person in your life right now. You adored Logan and did everything you could to make him happy because he was the only one to give your love to. You spend the time you can together, when he visits your work, or when he comes and stays with you for the night. He's busy though, so he's not really there as often as you wish he was.

Actually, you probably love him. You haven't told him that though. You always feel though that he's hiding something from you. It's disheartening really, he'll listen to you, he's heard your secrets but you never hear his. He refuses to bring you to his place, making some excuse that yours was nicer and maybe it was but you didn't care about that. It created a space between you, something you're not sure if Logan recognizes himself.

You moved to change out of the pretty yellow dress you had on to see Logan, wiping your makeup off and pulling your hair into a messy bun as you prepared to spiral into a night of anxiety, depression, and wine.

You settled on your couch, flipping the tv on, surfing through channel after channel. The night got darker and you got more and more tired. The shadows of your living room, seemingly your only company for tonight, closing in on you as the tv flickered over your curled up form.

Your eyelids grew heavy, as your felt the sinking feeling of your heart, reminding you that you were by yourself again. Inevitably wondering when will Logan leave?

Heavy knocks on your door startled you, as you sat up on the couch and confusion stretched across your face. Worry settled in you, as you had to wonder what shifty characters were knocking on your door at night?

You stood up and crossed the apartment, peeking through the peephole of your door, you're shocked to find Logan standing there. You gasped, stepping back to unlock your door and open it.

"Logan?"

"Hi sunshine." He greeted you, and smiled warmly, his eyes crinkling in the corners as his smile lines became more prominent. He held a bouquet of sunflowers in one hand.

"What are you...What are you doing here?"

"I missed ya." He says gently, a lingering gruff in his voice. "Can I come in?"

You bit your lip, and nodded. Still, your lingering feelings stuck in the back of your head. Stepping back, you forced a smile up at him as he stepped inside, holding the bouquet up.

"I figured you'd like them because...You know. That painter who- Are you okay?" He stopped, squinting at you, as he watched your eyes met with the bouquet, and tears filled your eyes. "Hey, hey sunshine, what's wrong?" He asks softly, bringing his hand up to your chin, tipping it upwards to look up at him. You bit your lip and shook your head.

"Sorry-" You say pulling away from him, wiping your eyes. "I'm just happy to see you..." You lied through your teeth. His eyes, he looked tired.

"Don't know about that sweetheart..." He mutters, examining your expression. "What is it? The flowers? You hate em?"

"No." You let out a small laugh, crossing your arms. He turned to shut the door behind him, locking it before setting the flowers on a nearby table, his hands coming to rest on your arms.

"Well?" He looks down at you, his face serious, but his eyes held concern. "You don't need to pretend with me darling."

You were caught off guard by him, showing up suddenly when you felt your worst. Your instinct screamed at you to push him away, to pretend that it was all okay. You didn't want to bring him down. Your anxiety peeked at the idea that he may be disappointed by this version of yourself, that he would see the lonely person you are, and leave because he wouldn't want to deal with you.

But they way he looked at you, you couldn't help it as the dam broke, and he pulled you tight to his chest, holding you as you cried.

"I'm sorry doll. I didn't mean to hurt you by canceling." He says softly, his hand petting your hair gently.

"No..No, it's not you." You sniffled, stepping away for a moment. "I...I just feel so alone sometimes. I like you a lot Lo, I love us spending time together but when you're not around I'm just by myself and it...It's just terrible."

Logan brows creased, as he brought a hand to cup your cheek. "I didn't know." He says gently. You let out a shaky sigh and looked back up at him.

"You're the only person in my life." You continue. "I don't feel like I don't completely know you though. Not like how you know me. I feel like you're keeping things from me or that you're...Only sticking around temporarily."

"That's not true." He says quickly, and firmly. "I care about you sunshine." His thumb wiped away a tear. "A lot. More than I have a right too. You're....Everything sweetheart. I count myself a damn lucky guy that I met you, that you let me be apart of your life. "

You swallowed and nodded, looking away as you let out a small sigh. You both stood there in silence.

"I..." He started. "I don't know how to stop you from feeling alone but...I get it. You're right. I haven't told you the whole truth."

He grabbed your hand, leading you over to the couch, as you both sat down.

"You ready for this?" He asks.

~~~~~~~~

You stood outside the hot desert sun, as you look around the barren horizon. Logan let out a small cough, as he puffed on the cigar that he was smoking.

"It's quiet." You say.

"Yeah." He nods, his eyes trailing over you as he tried to read your body language.

After an intense conversation last night, you both passed out on your couch. When you woke up in the morning, Logan had you get dressed, and brought you to his...well, where he lives. Can't really call it a home.

That was you.

He felt terrible when you admitted to him everything you struggled with. He adored the way you always seemed to be optimistic, the way you got yourself all dolled up for him, the way you tried to spoil him and every way possible. That's not why he liked you though. He liked your character, he liked the person you are. Not just for what you do for him. You were a fresh breath of air for him. His sunshine.

He wished you see yourself the way he does. You're always encouraging him, to look at himself and see himself as a good man. He didn't know how long he got but he'll spend every second with you to prove you are the most wonderful and loveable person.

You looked at him and smiled. The sunlight gleamed off his new watch that you gifted him. He finished the cigar, flicking it to the ground and stomping it out with the heel of his shoe, before putting an arm around your shoulders.

"You ready to meet the old man?"

"Uh Lo, you're right here." You tease, wrapping your arm around his waist. He chuckled warmly.

"Real cute." He mutters shaking his head, as he led you to the decrepit water tower. He went to the door, and slid it open, a harsh grunt escaping him as it rolled open, he stood to the side and waited as you walked in.

Inside you saw two men. One, sitting in a chair reading a comic book, looking up at you. He had white skin, and yellow eyes. That one must be Caliban.