The Hunting of the Snark and Other Graphic Agonies

“Our European t-shirt design by Mahendra Singh.”

The Illustrator’s Dictionary of Received Opinions Deadline: a word uttered at such a high frequency that only illustrators, designers and pressmen can hear it, undetectable to writers and editors. Rush Job: similar to a blow job in that the illustrator is placed in a submissive, demeaning position with little hope of a meaningful relationship afterwards. Spec Job: similar to rush job with the added frisson of wearing rose-colored glasses while fellating the client. Art Director: twenty years ago, all ADs were frustrated illustrators, now they are frustrating illustrators. Unlike ordinary mortals, they grow younger each year. Advertising Agency Work: an illustrative auto-lobotomy. Spine: removal of which is the usual prerequisite to employment within any publication/advertising design staff. Nationally Recognized, Award-Winning Illustrator: their participation in any collaborative work usually works out to 99% of total fee, 1% of total labour. Accomplished boozers with excellent telephone manners. Agent: a tapeworm sanctified by capitalism, furnishes the basic template for 99% of the global economy. Advertising Account: invariably suspects that you will try to cheat them in the same manner that they have successfully cheated everyone else so far. A worthy symbiote to the advertising AD. A “Fresh”, “Hot” Illustration Style: a style of illustration which most closely resembles whatever style of clip-art was most popular when an AD was in art school. Fan Mail: the one perk of being an illustrator that no AD or editor will ever enjoy. The amount of fan mail one receives is inversely proportional to how “fresh” and “hot” ADs think your style is. Illustration Directory: wallpaper samples. Vector Art: a godsend for illustrators who cannot draw. Kill Fee: a sort of reward given in exchange for not doing one’s job, the apogee of postmodern, American capitalism. Licensing Fee: like a dog license except that dogs are more loyal than most licensed properties and their masters. Royalties: the penultimate stage before bankruptcy. They are called royalties because the current batch of royalty cheques wending their way through the post date from the reign of King George III. Graphic Novel: the last refuge of writers who draw even worse than they can write. Popular with the functionally illiterate, hence their general public appeal in North America. Editor: an alcoholic who can read and write while drunk. Publishing Company: a collection of alcoholics. Illustrator: an ink-stained whore. Hack: a successful ink-stained whore. Art School: a school for whores. Amazon: a pimp who offers delivery.

Alberto Savinio (Italian, 1891-1952), Les Dioscures, 1929. Oil on canvas, 65.00 x 54.00 cm

Montreal Museum of Fine Arts

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The Death of Ravana, King of Lanka by Fernand Cormon, 1875

Gustav Klimt 

Alabaster (height: 71 cm)

Why fight global warming when you can curl up with a great book that does your thinking for you? American Candide, the novel with a mind of its own.