Mania

As the title of this post says this is JUST a rant. This is NOT I repeat NOT about anyone imparticular, so that being said take this as you please I suppose.

Alright.. let’s get this over with, recently there’s been a lot of issues with me internally. My head of filled with all the wrong thoughts about myself, yes I have people who think nothings wrong with me.. they think I’m beautiful and I’m crazy for thinking such things.. and I’m grateful for them especially for one person in particular (You know exactly who you are). I need people to understand that I am fucked up.. I do not really like myself. Yes I’ve been working on loving myself and showing self love but it is hard.. Jesus it’s hard. What’s harder is trying to love yourself and seeing things that tear you down over and over or getting messages telling me that I’m worthless or unloved.. ugly, to big, even being told to end my life. That shit is hard especially for someone who already thinks like this and for someone who is trying desperately to love themselves.. because she knows her friends are becoming drained more and more because of how much she hates herself. I don’t want to be alone.. I don’t want to be left behind.. I don’t want to feel empty inside anymore..

I feel like I try and try and try and I just feel like it’s never enough. My brain won’t let me sleep.. god I’m such a crybaby but at this point I no longer care. I am in pain.. I feel like I’m draining myself at this point and it’s getting harder for me to keep going. I feel myself slowing down.. and I feel the weight of my feelings smothering me.. It feels like I cant breathe. Trust me it’s hard enough for me to keep moving and keep going without me seeing something on Instagram or imvu or any other social media. It’s hard as fuck. I want everyone to understand that I am trying I’m not just moping around and complaining.. believe me I’m fucking trying. I’ve been crying so fucking much the past WEEKS not days WEEKS.. and I just feel so drained.. Just please.. please be gentle with me.. I’m so fragile right now and I just don’t know what to do anymore.. of course I’m going to keep going and keep pushing myself but please.. please be patient with me.. for I am in pieces..

I’m done ranting. Thanks to whoever read this.. I’m working on myself trust me.. just be patient with me.. be gentle.

One last thing actually.. this part is for someone and you know who you are.. I love you! I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone else before. You know that.. I don’t wanna lose you my love.. heh so please stay with me.. please be patient with me. I know you have been and god thank you so so much for sticking with me. I’m sorry I’m so insecure and I have all these issues but I’m trying baby.. believe me I am. I will overcome this and I will learn to love myself unconditionally because.. I’m beautiful. I’m beautiful but sometimes it gets hard for me to believe that.. you tell me all the time and it makes me so happy so thank you.. you’re helping me. Again I love you so much and please be patient.. I just need more time.. 🥀❤️