dark thinkerbell

˳ ֹ 𝅄 ૮₍｡´ᴖ ˔ ᴖ`｡₎ა ◌ ݂ ʾʾ݊ mine!mine!mine! do NOT steal or reupload

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i didn’t realize it for the first few years - something shifting, something so subtle. the winter makes us all cold, the summer makes us all a little out of our minds. i just loved her, because she was incredible, and i was the luckiest person alive.

it’s just that i realized that spring came with sudden bursts of cold. it’s just that summer frequently raged in with fire sprouting from her lips. it’s just that winter was the worst of all, her eyes dead. it’s just that autumn loves me different; throws herself into it without the clingy sweat of summer. i used to love that summer girl, you know? i loved how wild she was, the way in summer she took every risk she could. but i carried her home drunk one too many times, cleaned up one too many of the messes she made for no reason than to enjoy the sensation of burning. and winter was worse; the shutdown, the isolation. how she became distant, a blizzard, caught up in her own head, unable to tell me what was wrong and unable to think i actually wanted to listen.

she comes home, her hair bleached white. a dark smile on her lips. the shadowy parts of her are back. they loom like icicles overhead. she kisses me with her body held at a distance, a peck on my cheek that feels like an iceberg. she makes polite conversation and we go to bed early, our bodies untouching. 

it is a lonely season, i think on the ninth day of this. winter is cold. winter is known for the death of things. when i look at her, i see the girl i fell for, inhabited by an alien. she was the first women i loved so much i felt it would kill me. i can’t leave. when i wake her up with my crying, she tells me to shush and go back to sleep. she’s different like this, quiet, doesn’t eat. 

three days later i stare at myself in the mirror. i wonder if it’s me. if the fat on my body or something in my face or the wrinkles and she doesn’t love me. i try prettier lingerie, lean cuisine, i try different hair, more makeup, try harder. it doesn’t work. she looks at me the same; that empty gaze that neither loves nor condemns my actions. 

somewhere in februrary i lose it. we’re fighting again, from car to restaurant to car to home again. we fight about stupid things, small things; i tell her i feel she doesn’t love me, she says i’m not listening. the circle goes around and around, old pain peeling back, new pain unhealing. i sleep on the couch.

i wake up when i hear her crying, white hair around her all messed up. the kind of sobbing that only comes at two in the morning, heavy and thick and hurting. my winter girl. my heart is breaking. she looks up at me like i’m her anchor. “i’m sorry i’m like this,” she says. and i start saying, it’s okay i’m here we’re married, but she just shakes her head and says, “I know this isn’t the real me.”

i hold her cold hand. she stares at the blankets. “i am different in winter,” she whispers, “i know i am and i’m sorry.” she looks at me. “why do you think i dye my hair? cut it off? get rid of the old me?”

i tell her it’s okay. we’re together and it’s okay, and then she whispers, “i’m sorry you married four of me.”

we lay there like that, her head on my chest. she falls asleep. i stare at the ceiling, thinking of the way she sounded when she was crying. how i helped put her in that pain. how i promised in sickness and in health and everything in between.

the next day i spend at the library. there aren’t enough books on how to love someone with seasonal affective disorder so i make my own, notes and pages and little ideas on post-its. and i take a deep breath and make myself a promise.

she comes home to her favorite dinner and we kiss and she’s uneasy but that’s okay. the next day i bring home flowers and the next day she finds little love notes in her pockets. i love her quiet, the way winter demands, understand her sex drive is faltering; spend more time just cuddling. we drink wine and we kiss and some part of her starts relaxing. 

the truth is there is no loving someone out of their mental illness. the truth is that you can love someone in despite of it; love them loud enough to give them an excuse to believe they can make their way out of it.

and i learn. i remember the rebirth of spring, when she starts thawing. we kiss and have picnics in pretty dresses. i remember her joy at little birds and her rain dancing. i fall in love with the flowers in her cheeks and the little bursts of cleaning. i fall in love with summer’s slow walks and milkshakes and shouting to music playing too loud on the speakers. i fall in love with her dancing, with the sunfire energy. and when winter comes; i am ready. i remember that snow used to look pretty. i fall in love with the hearth of her, with the holiday, with the slow smile that spreads across her face so shyly. i fall in love with how she looks in boots and mittens and every day i find another reason to love her the way she deserves - they way i always should have.

she comes home with her white hair and dark smile and a package in her hands. i ask to see what it is and that small shy grin comes creeping out. it’s a sunlamp packed in with medication. she looks at me with those wide eyes and that beautiful winter blush. “i’m trying to get better,” she whispers, “i promise.”

recovery doesn’t look immediate. sometimes it isn’t neat. i can’t say we never fight or that we’re suddenly complete. but each day, that tiny girl’s strength gives me another reason. i love her. i love her while she tames the roller coaster of spring; i love her for reigning in the summer storms; i love her for taking her winter and trying to be warm. it is hard, because everything worth it is hard. she spreads out her autumn leaves; mixes the best parts of her into everything. learns to take winter’s silence for a moment before yelling in summer. learns to take autumn’s spice and give it to spring. we are both learning.

one day she comes home and her hair is different, but it’s a style i don’t know. i kiss it and tell her that she’s beautiful and the inside of me swells like a flood. i’m so glad that she’s mine. every part of her. the whole. i am the luckiest person on earth. and i always have been. but she’s hugging me and saying, “thank you for helping me,” and i can’t explain why i’m crying.

this is what love is; not always an emotion but rather your actions. the choices we make when we realize our lives would be empty if the other was absent. this is what love is: letting them grow, helping them find their way in out of the cold. this is what love is: sometimes it takes work to see how the thing you planted together actually grows.

This is an extensive list of resources for every problem you could come across while writing/planning/editing your novel. Use it well;)

{ *** } Indicate a Highly Reccommended Resource

Planning/outlining Your Work

How To Outline ***

Zigzag Method : Creating Plots

How to Plot a Romance Novel 

Seven Great Sources of Conflict for Romances 

Let’s talk about brainstorming

Writing Something With Meaning ***

Past Or Present Tense? : How To Decide

Writing Your Work

How To Write A Fabulous Chapter #1 ***

How to Build a Romance Thread in Your Story 

The Big Book Of Writing Sex ***

6 Ways to Get Your Readers Shipping Like Crazy 

Romance Writing Tips ***

20 Tips for Writing Lovable Romance Novel Heroes

7 Ways To Speed Up Your Writing *** 

80+ Barriers to Love: A List of Ideas to Keep Romantic Tension High 

9 Romance Writing Mistakes to Avoid 

Removing the Creeps From Romance

19 Ways to Write Better Dialogue ***

50 Things Your Characters Can Do WHILE They Talk ***

How To Write Action And Fight Scenes

10 Steps To Write Arguments

9 Ways To Write Body Language

Writing Good Kissing Scenes

Writing Murders

Create And Control Tone ***

Tips for Writing Ghost Stories

Incorporating Flashbacks

12 Tips To Avoid Overwriting ***

Characters

Behind the Name

Top Baby Names

Looking for a name that means a certain thing? ***

7 Rules of Picking Names

Most Common Surnames ***

Minor Character Development

Writing Antagonists, Antiheroes and Villains

Characters With Enhanced Senses

5 Tips to Help You Introduce Characters

How Do You Describe a Character?

How To Write Child Characters

36 Core Values For Building Character

Questions To Answer When Creating Characters ***

4 Ways to Make Readers Instantly Loathe Your Character Descriptions

5 Ways to Keep Characters Consistent

Character Archetypes

25 Ways To Fuck With Your Characters

Building Platonic Relationships Between Female Characters

9 Simple and Powerful Ways to Write Body Language 

33 Ways To Write Stronger Characters

Conveying Character Emotion 

How to Make Readers Love an Unlikable Character…  

How to Create Powerful Character Combos

How To Describe A Character’s Voice ***

Describing Clothing And Appearance ***

Career Masterpost ***

Creating Your Character’s Personality ***

Character Flaws ***

Editing

DON’T EDIT>>> REWRITE THE WHOLE THING FIRST

Ultimate Guide To Editing Each Aspect Of Your Work ***

Why You Would Read Your Novel Out Loud ***

Grammar and Punctuation ***

How To Write A Captivating First Sentence

10 Things Your Opening Chapter Should Do: A Check-List for Self-Editing ***

Saving Your Story: Finding Where It Went Wrong

How To Condense Without Losing Anything

The Stages Of Editing

Dialogue/Description Balance

3 Proofreading Tips

The Short Story Form

Chapter & Novel Lengths

Anatomy Of A Novel : Chapters and Parts ***

How To Write Chapter After Chapter Until You Have A Book ***

Where Chapter #2 Should Start

Step By Step Guide To Editing Your Draft

Writing Tool: CTRL-F (How And Why You Should Use It) ***

How To Kill A Character

25 Steps To Edit The Unmerciful Suck Out Of Your Story

5 Ways To Make Your Novel Helplessly Addictive ***

Setting

{Setting} How To Describe Setting In Your Stories ***

20 Questions To Enhance Setting

How To Bring Your Setting To Life

Miscellaneous Resources You Can Use In Between

How to Write from a Guy’s POV 

The Emotional Wounds Thesaurus

Text To Speech Reader

Compare Character Heights 

A Visual Dictionary of Tops

Writers Helping Writers

7 Tricks To Imrove Your Writing Overnight

Work Out/ Word Count : Exercise Between Writing ***

Most Important Writing Tips ***

Let’s talk about diversity in novels

Letting Go Of Your Story

Keeping A Healthy Writing Schedule And Avoiding Procrastination ***

How To Create A Good Book Cover

Write or Die

Tip of my Tongue

Character Traits Form

Online Thesaurus

Writing Sketchy/Medical/Law

Coma: Types, Causes, etc

Tips for writing blood loss

Gunshot Wound Care

Examples of Hospital Forms

Common Legal Questions

The Writer’s Forensics Blog

Brain Injury Legal Guide

Types of Surgical Operations

Types of Mental Health Problems

A Day in the Life of a Mental Hospital Patient

Global Black Market Information ***

Crime Scene Science

Examining Mob Mentality

How Street Gangs Work

Writers’ Block Help/ Productivity

Story Plot Generator

@aveeragemusings ‘ Cure To Writers’ Block ***

50 Romance Plot Ideas

Reading Like A Writer ***

Defeat Writers’ Block

Writing In A Bad Mood ***

Writers Block

When You’ve Lost Motivation To Write A Novel ***

What To Do When The Words Won’t Flow ***

9 Ways To Be A More Productive Writer

“I Cannot Write A Good Sentence Today” (How To Get Over It) ***

Real Writing Advice ***

Info You Need To Know & Words You Didn’t Think Of

A Writer’s Thesaurus ***

Words To Describe… ***

Words & Phrases To Use In Your Sex Scenes ***

Colors (An Extensive List Of Colors)

List Of Kinks & Fetishes ***

List Of Elemental Abilities

inkarnate.com : World Creator And Map Maker For Your Imaginary Setting

Body Language Phrases

List Of Legendary Creatures

How To Write Magic

Hairstyle References

Hemingway : Writing Checker

Body Types: Words To Describe Bodies and How They Move Around

Poisonous Herbs and Plants ***

The Psychology of Color

The Meaning behind Rose color

Types of Swords

Color Symbolism

How a handgun works

How to Write a Eulogy

Types of Crying

Avoiding LGBTQ Stereotypes ***

Superstitions and More

The 12 Common Archetypes

Language of Flowers

12 Realistic Woman Body Shapes

Using Feedback And Reviews

Turning Negative Reviews Into Positive Ones ***

Proofreading Marks : Easy Symbols To Make Reviewing/Feedback Easier ***

Authonomy Teen Ink Figment Fiction Press ReviewFuse

names that have specific meanings

meanings of any names

popular baby names

upper class names

common last names

fancy last names

aristocratic/royal names

random name generator

random place name generator

list of latin words

english to latin translator

english to greek translat

or

greek mythology database

the culture of ancient rome

list of legendary creatures

fantasy name generator

Let’s start with a simple test. Click this link here: https://whatismyipaddress.com/ It will tell your IP adres, your ISP (internet service provider), and your location. The location might not be very accurate, but then again, it’s just a simple website. Imagine what the government can do!

So basically, everyone can find out where you live. But there is more danger. Your ISP. Your ISP logs your every move online and they are required to keep it in case the government wants access to it (or if a 3rd party wants to buy your data (yikes). They have everything. What websites you visit. How long you stay on a website. What you download. Your search terms. European laws are more subtle on this but if you are from the US you are #@*#&, especially because Trump doesn’t support the open internet. It’s scary but maybe in the future you can’t get a job because the recruiter knows your searched on ‘how to deal with depression’ or anythings else that’s supposed to be private because it’s your f*cking right. Or you get a $100k fine because you pirated a movie 15 years ago. You need a VPN. You’re dumb for not using one. but what does a VPN do?

A VPN encrypts all your data so if it were be intercepted no one can ‘crack the code’ and damage your privacy. 

Usually being online goes like this (simplified): Your computer —-> ISP (—–> keeps data —–> sells it)

But with a VPN it goes like: Your computer —–> VPN (encrypts data)—–> ISP (ISP can’t see shit)

Furthermore, a VPN hides your IP address and location by giving you another IP address located in Spain for example (you can often choose from a list and change as many times as you want).  

Now that you know why you should get a VPN and what is does it is important to educate yourself because people often choose the wrong VPN. VPN providers are also businesses and have to obey the law. If you choose a VPN provider located in the US then you are throwing your money away because the laws in the US shits on your privacy. If the US gov wants the provider to give all their logs they have to obey.  The ISP  still can’t see what you are doing online and sell your data but the US gov can interfere with your VPN provider so NEVER CHOOSE A PROVIDER LOCATED IN THE US. 

I just wanted to make that very clear so my followers don’t buy false security.

There is still more danger!  Who says your VPN provider isn’t selling your data? You need to check their logging policy. Do they keep logs? If yes, what for? For how long do they keep them? Tip: Choose a provider who doesn’t keep logs

More about law  The US is part of the Five Eyes program (the worst):  

The Five Eyes, often abbreviated as FVEY, is an intelligence alliance comprising Australia, Canada, New Zealand, the United Kingdom and the United States. These countries are bound by the multilateral UKUSA Agreement, a treaty for joint cooperation in signals intelligence (source)

There is also a Nine Eyes (bit better) and Fourteen Eyes Program (better).  You don’t want a VPN provider who is located in one the Five Eyes countries.  If you had to choose go for a provider located in a country that’s part of the Fourteen Eyes Program or even better, go for a country that isn’t part of any program! 

I know this is a shitty explanation and please pardon my english but now it’s time to do your own research. Take your privacy seriously. Maybe WWIII breaks out and you get killed for liking the ‘wrong’ FB-page.  

Go to this website: https://thatoneprivacysite.net/simple-vpn-comparison-chart/

Make sure that your future VPN provider both has green boxes for Privacy Jurisdiction and Privacy Logging. 

I recommend ovpn.se and trust.zone. ovpn is located in Sweden so they are part of the 14 Eyes Program and they keep minimal logs. Their business ethics, however, are alright. 

Trustzone is located in the Seychelles. No country can interfere and their privacy jurisdiction is the best you can get. The US want your data but needs to get it from Trustzone? The Seychelles will simply give them the finger and wave them goodbye. However, this makes this provider very appealing for people who torrent and criminals because they keep no logs (and that is how it shoud be) Also,  there are almost no marketing efforts so this provider is one the cheapest)

Also, often providers such as ExpressVPN are being called ‘The Best’ on websites about VPNs but know that this is just marketing which also makes those provider more expensive (and they too shit on your privacy)

This must be the worst article you have ever read but please, please take your privacy very seriously.

Trust.Zone has a free trial. Use it. 

btw this post only has 11k notes? That’s quite disappointing for something this important. 

Sources

Anger as US internet privacy law scrapped 

Congress just voted to let internet providers sell your browsing history 

Don’t tell me you just wanted to scroll past this. Stop looking at pictures of cats for a moment, okay? Don’t you realize how important this is? This is dangerous! ‘America, the best FREE country in the world’ my ass.

With this new law your ISP can sell your Internet history which could include passwords, usernames, religion, credit card numbers, race and much more to the highest bidder. So here is what I want you to do. You are going to read the whole thing and before you think ’this is so important. Let me reblog this real quick and go back to admiring cats again-’ NO! Don’t reblog this. Take action first. Then reblog. Sign up for a free trial! Trust.Zone offers one (here). Yes. It might be difficult to set up a VPN for some people. But is that going to stop you from protecting yourself and your family? 30 minutes. 30 minutes is all that it takes. 5 if you know how to install software. The problem with some of you is that you see ‘difficult’ as something negative. I want you to see difficult differently. I need you to push through this stuff. You are going to protect yourself. There is nothing negative about that. VPNs are fun and costsaving too! A VPN bypasses geographical restrictions so you can access websites you normally can’t or you could start Netflix’s one month free trial over and over again- forever. And it’s legal! (unless you use it to buy weapons etc.,) Don’t tell yourself that you are too tired and that you will do this tomorrow. Because that isn’t going to happen and you know it. You have to do this right now. You only have to click on it. Don’t let this/shit/life just happen to you. Take yourself seriously. Get a VPN.