Magnetic Toxin

I had to go to another parking lot and try to calm down. I was shaking so hard my teeth were chattering, my muscles were spasming like crazy, I thought I was going to throw up, couldn’t get my breathing under control. I got myself together after a little while and went and got Gavin. But then I went home, drank a beer in a bubble bath and cried a whole lot again.

Today I learned that pretty much every Halsey song is a delicious punch to my gut. #ouch #ithurts #ithurtsgoodthough https://www.instagram.com/p/By2r9n6JWKMcluzcqmKwMrLPK_V_dYR-wdwz9A0/?igshid=y2u9bauwour

I’ve been having a whole lot of trouble dealing with the hate in the world but Machine Head and Zen-tangles help. I’m so happy I saw these guys live. They give me some faith in humanity. Bastards and Be Still and Know are my “calm down” songs when my anxiety is bad. #machinehead @machine_head #zentangles https://www.instagram.com/p/ByWagdOptX1RAatOdwbi25h1jZoWi-6CltVX7Y0/?igshid=yi4eobm61ul2

This afternoon and evening were really nice. 🥰 https://www.instagram.com/p/BwqWlSTp8Zcj7YlWGCRsEV2IBrR1JUaFdxXviM0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=jknlrmph5p5q

Weird anxiety doodle. https://www.instagram.com/p/BwcZEpoJD6pfhXomTIisSaF_pwjygtaPWm36Q00/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=13dr3edwsfpb9

I have decided to accept an offer on the home I’ve inherited from my dad. While I know it’s the right decision, I feel as if my heart is being absolutely demolished. It’s bringing my PTSD memories and nightmares back hardcore so I will probably be writing a whole lot more here again. This is my safe space.

Sometimes it feels really good to quietly remove toxic people from your life and then continue slaying and succeeding. #ifeelbetternow #itneededtohappen #ilovedthembuttheydidntloveme #cantpleaseeveryone #wishyouwellfromafar #bye https://www.instagram.com/p/BvnCw87J0CnBg72snbLY4c6sLK8xb3aBx_ieeo0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=p5my2d63kaso

No matter how hard I try to do better and better people still drag shut up from the past. They still talk shit. They still use me as a topic for gossip. It is enraging. I don’t believe in monogamy but that doesn’t make me a band person. I don’t gossip. I am kind. I am sincere. I don’t entertain others when they come to me with gossip. I’m just so done with it. I want peace. I moved across the fucking country and it still comes back to me. I just want it to stop. I need it all to stop. Who I do or do not sleep with doesn’t fucking effect these people.

I’m eating a can of cranberry sauce because for some reason that’s the first thing that seems appetizing to me in days. I’ve been pretty sick. I went to the doctor this morning thinking I was getting pneumonia but it turns out I have a sinus infection and severe asthma. Hopefully my new pile of meds will kick in soon but I feel pretty defeated to have another illness to add to the list. I’ve had asthma but it was never really a huge setback for me. I already have chronic pain from TOS, an autoimmune disease, and several mental health issues. I’m just so tired. https://www.instagram.com/p/BvDP7XKjxUdYppC7FpXhrxhRP0NIM8dvi4QkiA0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=yszvbu4kxpvb

https://themighty.com/2019/02/health-privilege-psychiatric-medication/?utm_source=Mighty_MH_Page&utm_medium=Facebook&utm_campaign=Link_Contributor&fbclid=IwAR37ftErkSHvb4ToQJRKzAsmPePrBJUEI6DXEzhne_xmwFlik0YbPyrKsmU

I’m trying.

I often feel weird about the people who have only known me post trauma. I am truly a different person.

I had a meltdown this morning but then I did my makeup pretty and chopped up my hair and I feel A little better. https://www.instagram.com/p/Bt_gyybjA8RLSwL9SF48aXKKlBSTv6UnoiAV4M0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=pnfa1xbyl7xg