how do i make peace with the fact that people are living better, fuller, funnier, richer, funner lives than me?

people will not admire me in the same way as her

my brain couldn’t think those things,

my face isn’t.. her face.

i have lots and lots already,

but i would like a particular kind of recognition

i would like my soul to be seen and shared and celebrated and lusted for

i never seem to fully anticipate how i’ll feel and think. only immediately after i’ve fucked it does it become clear i have made a bad choice.

try

as

i

mite.

still.

it’s been, 5? years? 2022? yeah i think that’s when this started. first weed in 2020 or something then ritalin/amphetamines in general.

what has it done but organized my things and increased my blood pressure. i fight with my boyfriend, i get socially anxious, again, a voice in my head gets very fantastical and very loud, i cry suddenly and at barely anything.

has made me skinty fia but thats secondary to all and shouldn’t be idealized anyway.

it’s endangering my job and sort of my health and most defs my emotional stability.

amphetamines dissolve the barrier of exhaustion that stop me cleaning the house after work. but there’s more to being 23 than cleaning the house after work. watching sex and the city (jk no hate that’s awesome).

what else do i be doing i don’t even know.

and weed ugh.

ugh.

money sink

energy sink

general life blood vampiress

you can’t give up boredom.

you need boredom to find something more interesting

whatever im done rn

i have to lay my life down.

if they go about putting ai data centers on and around this earth.

i cannot think of anything worse.

it’s not just not knowing and learning all the time (that’s good) but it’s jealousy of other women’s ability to be attractive, feminine in a seemingly natural way, and the separation i kind of feel from women my age especially.

my favorite artists give slight femcel notes in their work i think That’s not great, i’m trying to listen to less melancholia as of this week

i need to be bonding with my peers!

i need to bond!!