âYou know I think youâre beautiful, always have.â Sebastian wondered if heâd ever be able to believe it when Saf said it. Still he really missed hearing it.
      The words âbut Iâm not sickâ die on his tongue as he detected the slight annoyance, and for a moment he wished that hadnât opened up to the other so much. The ginger wasnât like everyone else who easily bought into his âIâm completely better nowâ act. He always told Saf more about himself than anyone else. The quiet sentiments said to each other at 3AM, wrapped up in each other, an unspoken rule not to discuss those things once the sun came up, the first time heâs ever admitted âsometimes I donât eatâ to anyone. He shouldâve known better that he couldnât lie to Saf. His closed his eyes and sighed, â.. Sorry.â He said softly, almost feeling stupid for apologizing himself when he came here to get the other boy to apologize.
      He remembered how completely and utterly destroyed he was the weeks following what happened. Refusing to get out of bed, refusing to talk to anyone, going anywhere, do anything, eat anything. He just kept going over it in his head, what did he do wrong? He had been in a complete catatonic state before his manager had intervened and gotten him help. He remembered the therapist in the hospital had spent long hours with him, trying to get him to understand that his weight hadnât been the reason for Saf cheating on him, but the brunet just couldnât let go of the thought âwhat ifâ. What if he was thin like his sister was, what if he had put out for Saf more, what if heâd tried harder to be a better boyfriend to Saf, or what if he wasnât so clingy or reliant on the other boy.
      Sebastian felt something like anger and hurt in the pit of his stomach, the hurt showing on his face for a few seconds before he tried to steel himself up again. The other had a point that this would always be in the back of his head, no matter what, "It might take awhile for me to completely forgive you.. but.. itâs a start isnât it?â He had been slowly trying to forgive Saf for everything that happened, his therapist saying something about it being more for his sake than Safâs, but truthfully it hadnât taken long to slowly start to forgive the other.
      The sight of the cigarettes had him wiping his eyes in a weak attempt to dry them. He remembered how much he hated it when Saf smoked. He never actually said anything about it, but he figured the other got the idea when he would hold his breath for as long as possible when he smoked, or on the few unfortunate occasions where he accidentally inhaled Safâs cigarette smoke and would nearly cough up a lung. âI donât understand how you can smoke, Saffyâ He would say after a coughing fit. The thought of that almost made him smile sadly. Now he could careless, starting to pick up the habit himself in the past few weeks after coming out of treatment. The cigarette smoke still made him feel sick to his stomach but it did itâs job taking his mind off of his anxiety. The fact that they made him less hungry was only an added side bonus of them.
      Sebastian sniffled, still wiping his eyes with his sleeve even though it was pointless at this point. He told himself that he wouldnât get upset or emotional over this, and yet here he was crying like a child. Pathetic. He shook his head, âSaf..â He stopped himself, and he took a deep breath. It was true that Saf fucked up, but he was trying so hard not to hold that against him, âYou know that we deserved each other.â He said softly. A few seconds passed, âYou mind if I have one?â He motioned to the cigarette carton, ignoring how his voice cracked a little. Part of him wanted to sit closer to Saf but he stayed put where he sat, knowing it was the better option right now.
      He swallowed thickly, âYâknow I never realized how much I actually relied on you until you werenât there anymore..â He said softly. Sebastian stayed quiet again for a few seconds, ââŚ.. Did you have a hard time sleeping too?â Sebastian had noticed it the first night. He had almost stayed up the whole night, willing himself to try to sleep, but he couldnât without his boyfriendâs arms around him. Eventually he had put on one of Safâs hoodies and that had helped but that wasnât enough after awhile. He belonged in his loveâs arms at night, cuddled up in his chest, mindlessly talking about anything and everything until they were both too tired to form a coherent thought, even when they were on tour they at least had the goodnight texts and video chats. Sebastian had spent the last few months restless at night, struggling to sleep knowing that he wasnât with the person he loved.
       It hadn't occurred to Saf what he'd done until Sebastian asked for a cigarette of his own. "No," he dismissed Seb, pulling the pack off the table. "Fuck!" After months of painful sobriety, of pretending he was anything but an addict, he had cracked at the slightest bit of pressure. No one would be surprised that it had happened. They all knew he'd never overcome this. In fact they would be more stunned that Sebastian had resurfaced more than anything. Saf had burned an awful lot of bridges this last time around and the ashes he'd left from Sebastian had all but blown away. There was nothing left of them or at least that's what Saf thought.  "I wasn't...dammit....just..take them." He threw the pack back down before abruptly standing and walking to the kitchen. The ginger put out his cigarette and any hopes of a second chance with Sebastian.
      Walking back into the room he leaned against the door frame, putting distance between Seb and himself. Being close to him made it hard to think straight, more than the muggy clarity of his thoughts. It had been a long time since he'd been forced to address the full breadth of his feelings. After his mom he'd been in an almost constant state of sedation. It was less severe when he was with Sebastian, feeling the good things wasn't always so bad. But the happier times had come to a screeching halt and the bad ones were utterly unbearable. Not feeling for so long made it that much worse when he finally did. God he hated himself more every second. Maybe if Sebastian realized just how much he'd see that this mess was all Saf's doing. None of this was his fault.
       The two of them had a terrible habit of making the worst of themselves. Every thing that went wrong Sebastian would blame on himself and Saf would never stop thinking that he was a catastrophe that attracted tragedy. They were both the worst sort of poison and yet somehow they worked. Until they didn't, until they succeeded at destroying each other. As Saf stood there surveying the wreckage he pitied the pair of them all the more. What had he done.
       Safford wrapped his arms around his middle, hugging himself to ignore the emptiness he felt when Sebastian spoke so bluntly. "No," he admitted, swallowing hard. He knew it wasn't the answer that Seb was hoping for but he had to say it. Saf swore he'd never get this chance. He was absolutely positive he'd seen the last of his ex-lover. But if there was ever any chance that he dild, the ginger swore he't tell the whole truth no matter how much pain it caused in the end. Sebastian deserved at least that much.
       "In the beginning all I did was sleep. I made sure of it. I didn't want to move, I didn't want to exist. What was the point without you?" It wasn't often that he let another person into his brain but Sebastian had spent more time there than anyone. He would know if Saf was lying, for better or worse. He almost wished he wasn't telling the truth. The gory details weren't really helping anyone. "Eventually they forced me out, said it would be good for me but I just found new ways to cope. I was so numb I barely remembered my own name. You felt like just a fantasy then. I got high just so I could pretend they were you."
       He could barely bring himself to make eye contact. He knew how pathetic he must have sounded but they both knew he wasnât strong, he never had been. âNone of them were enough.â