lost boys life

oh, well imagine as I'm pacing the pews in a church corridorit's been a long time coming since I've seen your facefar away across the oceansevery step that i take is like miles from where i wanna bewhen the days are cold and the cards all fold

          He wondered if this conversation would have been the same if they had it earlier. After four years going by, Madden was far less angry with her than he had been once, a lot more ready to them returning to what they had been. Or to at least find out if it was possible. So yes, it may hurt like a bitch and yes, they should have talked this through sooner. But he wasn’t sure that it would have gone as smoothly if they’d had it earlier. And for that reason, he was fine going through this pain now. “I know, Madi. I know,” he assures her quietly, his heart breaking as he hears her voice shake. As mad as he once was at her and as resentful as he was for his life not turning out how he had wanted it to, Madden knew she hadn’t tone any of this intentionally, even if that fact wasn’t exactly a comfort either. He felt weighed down by his own guilt, yet also lighter, somehow. Like letting it out and knowing that Madi still loved him too made all of it easier to deal with finally. His eyebrows knit together briefly when she pulls him forward, but he’s quick to relax against her the moment her arms wind around him. God, how he’d missed hugs from her. Madden’s arms slide around her waist, easily lifting her up into his lap to bring her closer against him. He buries his face against her shoulder, pressing an absent kiss against the fabric of her shirt. “I love you,” he mumbles against her shoulder. “And I– I want you in any and every way you’ll let me have you, no matter how hard all of this may be to fix.” He pulls back enough to rest his forehead against hers. “Is that okay?”

           Part of him genuinely wanted to rewind five minutes and take them down a route where this conversation didn’t happen. He knew that it needed to happen – should have already –, but it hurt far more than he ever guessed it would have. Partly because a million and one thoughts and emotions he never realized he’d had were coming flooding in now, and Madden couldn’t quite handle it. Yet this conversation had to happen; because if not now, then when? “No one believes that you wanted to hurt us, Mads,” he points out, his voice barely louder than hers. It ached to even remind himself of that – she hadn’t done any of this on purpose. The woman he knew and loved would never in a million years hurt him or their daughter like this; not if she didn’t have a genuine, conscious, well-minded choice in it. Despite knowing that, it was the first time in four years that the thought truly occurred to him.

           It felt like his heart was being torn in two watching her literally sob. He wasn’t sure he had ever seen Madi quite like this, not in the near decade and a half he had known her. Honestly, he didn’t want to see her like this ever again, but he didn’t know how to keep that from being so. Madden has to look away from her when she points out he’s done the exact same, more tears welling in his eyes. “I abandoned you because I had to for our daughter. And I’m sorry for that, but I spent a whole year trying to be there for you and you wouldn’t let me,” he reminds her. And while he had many valid reasons for doing what he did, that didn’t make it hurt any less for her, and he knew that. “I’m sorry,” he reminds her again, his tone practically pleading, trying for forgiveness he hadn’t realized he’d needed. His hand tightens around hers, desperately needing the warmth and familiarity of her hand – it had been years since they had last touched each other even in such simple ways, and he still didn’t forget what it felt like to hold her hand. Sniffling softly, he keeps his eyes on Madi while she moves closer, nodding slightly at her words. “I never stopped loving you either, baby,” he breathes out softly, turning his head to press a kiss against the palm of her hand.

This pain, she kept having to remind herself, would be worth it in the end. She didn’t know what any of this would mean for them, but talking this out felt like a step in the right direction. This is something they should have done years ago but the time had never been right. The timing now didn’t even feel right, but it was a necessary evil, wasn’t it? There were a lot of unsaid things between them, a lot of unresolved feelings and pretending like everything was okay for Bianca’s sake could only work for so long before it started tearing them down. As much as this hurt, and it really did, she was grateful for it, nonetheless. “I just need you to know that I never intended for any of this to happen, it was-- it was out of my control, Madden,” she spoke, trying to keep her voice steady but it was shaky, nearly breaking as she was slowly but surely losing control over her emotions. She was reaching her breaking point, she could feel it, and she hated losing control over herself. That was what got them into this mess.

              Truth be told, he hadn’t properly thought about what Madi must feel towards him nowadays. All he really got was her ignoring him outside of their interactions involving Bianca, and there wasn’t much room for interpretation of those actions. Maybe he hadn’t tried hard enough to be there for her with the PPD and then the reliance on alcohol that followed. Maybe he should have just tried harder all together in their relationship, and because he hadn’t, this is where it got him. After fourteen years, he can see the tears welling in her eyes no matter how hard Madi tries to fight them, feeling a pain in his chest for forcing her to say it out loud. “You were going through a lot,” he reminds her softly, hating himself for making her say it more and more by the second. “You were going through something that few people could relate to and understand, and while it may not have been the healthy or right choice, you did the thing you needed to in order to alleviate your own pain,” Madden reminds her. That didn’t make it okay, and he wasn’t trying to insinuate that it was. But he also didn’t think Madi needed to punish herself quite as much as she was, even if he did resent her for those choices. 

             He tries to ignore the burning sensation in his eyes while she’s reaching for his hand, surprised beyond words by even such a simple gesture. “Don’t say what? That you weren’t okay abandoning Bibi, but you were okay abandoning me?” he asks with a pathetic laugh, knowing that’s not what she had done even if that’s what it sure as hell felt like. Madden’s eyes stay down on their hands, afraid of the tears building in his eyes and he has too much pride to let her see them right now. “Watching you fall apart doesn’t mean I should stop loving you, Madi,” he mumbles lowly, sucking in a sharp breath as he tries to get it together but– It’s impossible. “You shouldn’t have been able to love me anymore. You were– God, you were falling apart and I couldn’t help you. And–” Madden cuts himself off, shaking his head as a stupid tear finally rolls down his cheek. Reluctantly, he finally meets her eyes again. “I can’t pretend anymore that I don’t love you. Because I’m clearly never going to fucking stop, no matter how made I am at you for everything. I can’t– I just can’t.”

Fuck, she hated this. She really fucking hated it. But this conversation was long overdue, it was one they should have had years ago, before she drowned her sorrows in alcohol and Madden saw no other way but to take their daughter from her. Perhaps that would have saved them all this hurt, all this heartbreak. And yet she knew they needed this conversation, whether that ended in good things or bad things, at least they’d reached a point where they could say what really needed to be said; years after. “But in dealing with my own pain I hurt you, and I hurt Bianca, and god, I never wanted to hurt either one of you,” her voice was barely above a whisper now, afraid that her voice would fail her and break if she spoke any louder. She didn’t want to be vulnerable, for so long she’d kept all that pent up inside, pretending to be strong, but she was a fucking wreck and if she was going to allow anyone to see that part of her, it was Madden. Even if all this pain was caused by him, and herself.

             She was the person that had changed his life forever – for both better and worse, depending on the when of it all. But even above the lowest of their lows, he still fucking loved her with every god damn inch of his being. It was just– Fuck, it was hard to deal with when she’d more or less abandoned their relationship, their family, and their daughter when they had needed her most. So Madden had tried pushing it down, so far down that he could pretend he didn’t love her… For a while. “I was trying to take care of our daughter, Madi. And you came back after–” He paused when his voice broke, laughing in spite of himself as he turns his gaze away from her. “I didn’t know how to trust you. But I wanted Bibi to have her mom in her life, even if that meant you pretending like– Like you didn’t do all that to me, too.” He’d never said anything like that out loud to anyone before; he hardly ever even thought about how much he’d been hurt in all of this because he was focused on Bianca. Madden’s jaw clenches when she cuts herself off, eyebrows raising slightly. “And you what?” he asks, knowing what she’s ultimately getting at, but he wants to hear Madi say it for once. For once? They had never fucking talked about this period. And yet it felt like they had been building to this conversation for five years. “I know it’s more than that. But we’ve hardly fucking tried to fix it other than to attempt at giving Bibi both of her parents,” he points out, exasperation plaguing his voice. Madden’s gaze finally returns to her, incredulity evident in his eyes. “I haven’t fucking moved on, Mads. I’ve been waiting four god damn years to get the love of my life back, and she doesn’t care about anything related to me that’s not my daughter. And I don’t know how to deal with that so I just don’t.”

With Madden offering to bring Bianca home for the night after a few breakdowns, Madeline took the time to wander the fair grounds by herself; it really was a different experience going by yourself. While she’d been stuck in the games and food area with Bianca the entire day, the four year old’s blood seemingly replaced by an endless supply of five hour energy (it was the only way she could describe the sudden burst of energy), she took this alone time to wander the shopping area instead. She wandered through the stalls, stopping at a few to check out the merchandise people were selling, but nothing really caught her eye until a familiar face caught her attention instead. A hint of a grin tugged at her lips as she practically beelined for the records stall, immediately stepping right up to it; there wasn’t really any line, after all.

           He didn’t understand how nearly ten thoroughly happy years together could end with them falling apart so completely. How they couldn’t even try to put it back together. Thinking about that seemed useless when Madi had made it abundantly clear that she didn’t really want anything to do with him. A fact that hurt all the worse considering Madden’s feelings for her had never gone away. No matter what he did, he couldn’t get them to, not even after everything that had happened and all that she had done. “You don’t think it’s possible, so we don’t bother trying? You get to decide that for us?” Madden asks, hating how her deciding anything for the two of them sets him a bit on edge. His stupid ass is still in love with her, and she can’t be bothered to ask what he wants; only assuming. Looking away from Madi, he shakes his head incredulously. “You say that like I blame you for everything,” he mutters, his disbelief clear in his tone. As much as he wanted to blame her and as mad as he was with her sometimes, he didn’t genuinely believe that them falling apart was her fault. But it frustrated the fuck out of him that she didn’t even want to fix it or even try. “But if you think that just because we went through some shit and nearly five years has passed and that I just suddenly don’t love you, then– I don’t know what else to tell you, Mads.”

            It’s impossible not to crack a grin at such a reply, shaking his head slightly. But Madden quickly has to press his lips together to avoid the smirk that threatens to take its place, his head going to the wrong place. Well, it was your favourite place to sit, he thinks to himself, eyes briefly moving away from Madi before they betray him, too. Fuck, five years of practically no relationship with her and it took five seconds for the dirty jokes and thoughts to come back to his brain. Maybe that was the part of him that was hopeful that maybe, just maybe, their feelings for each other hadn’t changed; the part that hoped maybe one day, things could get fixed. But then he reminds himself that Madi had always tried fixing things with Bianca, but never with him; and while he knew their daughter was more important, he couldn’t deny that it stung. He watches her carefully, noting how she can barely look up at him, but that’s not exactly new anymore. Nodding slowly, he knows that she’s right. “Valid point,” he murmurs lowly. But what she adds leaves a bit of a bitter taste in his mouth. “But not in any other regard, right?” Madden adds, a tight smile following his words.

           He’d almost forgotten what it was like to be around just her. Usually when they dropped Bianca off for each other, it was only a short couple minutes that usually revolved around her daughter. But this… God, they hadn’t spent so much time alone around each other since before everything fell apart. Probably not even since before their daughter was born. Even after more or less asking her to stay, Madden felt uneasy about the idea, and surprised when she seemingly agreed. But Madi sitting as far away from him on the couch has him raising his eyebrows slightly. “I don’t bite, you know,” he can’t help but point out, offering her a slight smile. Five years ago, there would have been a ‘Not unless you ask me to’ attached to that. But they weren’t like that anymore, no matter how much Madden wanted things to be normal between them again. Nearly ten years together and one child later, and this is what they had. Nodding slowly, he replies, “We can do that. Go as a family– if that’s what you even want to call it, anyway. I’m sure Bibi’d love it.”

Location: carnival

Time: late afternoon

Who: open @devinstonestarters​

One of the best things about carnivals was definitely all the attractions that it came with it, from the safe and child friendly , to the more risky and wild ones, Georgie felt like doing it all, even if in reality she never did half of them. Standing next to The Wipeout, Georgie was way more amused just watching people in and out of it than having a try at it herself.

“I just saw that kid practically shove down four corn dogs and wash it all with coke that I am actually starting to worry for the safety of the kid next to him.” Georgie snorted, watching as the ride started and she braced for the worst. “Wanna bet how long it will take for him to get sick?” She asked the person standing next to her, a grin on her face as she knew it was just a matter of seconds before it became a huge disaster.

           Bianca wanting to be around Madi more and more was honestly a slap in the face he should have seen coming. Girls always wanted their mothers more, that was just… fact. His getting so much time with her these first four years was a blessing and he loved it; but Madden figured that, with the longer Madi stayed sober, maybe he shouldn’t get too used to it. As much as the idea broke his heart. “Hey! Mine have princess action in them!” he huffs in response, though a chuckle is quick to follow. It feels weird to joke with her, but Madden isn’t sure that he minds. “Yeah, well, she whines and complains for you in a way she never really did before,” Madden admits quietly. Whether he liked it or not, that was just fact. Shrugging, he adds, “Girls want their moms.” Eyes briefly flicking toward the door, he bites down on his lower lip. “I mean, yeah, if you have to. We should– Probably sort shit out if you’re wanting to take her to the carnival this week or something, though,” he points out, for some reason feeling the need to get her to stay.