Ruler of Wonderland

more make up

perfect your laugh, perfect your smile

less clothes

lose the extra weight

just a little. just a bit more. just until you're finally..

i carved myself down like a bar of soap

smaller. smoother. easier to hold.

until what remained wasn't even me,

just the ghost of a girl worn thin by her own wanting

to be wanted

and they looked

of course they looked

and then they found someone prettier

and looked at her instead

beauty is a religion

and i was its most devoted follower

i bled for it willingly. i called it discipline. i called it almost there.

but beauty is not a destination

it's a debt that compounds

the more you pay, the more you owe

and you are so tired but oh you cannot stop

because stopping means being invisible again

and invisible was worse

so you start over

you always start over

on your knees. still bleeding. still devoted. still not enough.

just a girl who disappeared

trying to become the kind of pretty

that makes people stay

begging and begging and begging to be seen

and still. still. feeling like nothing.

Escaflowne fanart in 2026? It's more likely than you think

and better

What I really like about the writing is how often I want to shout at the protagonist for her "suboptimal plays." For me, this is generally the sign of good character flaws. Too often, writers have protagonists with no true flaws. They'll have "inner pain" or "prejudices to overcome" but then, when it comes time to act, they'll do the optimal thing. The author thinks they're showing the audience a triumph, but we don't have an impression of a climb because we never see our protagonist at the base of the hill; only cresting the top. Penelope, our protagonist, constantly second-guesses how to approach people. Some of the time she's so caught up in the game element - being caught in a dating sim where failure means death will do that to you - but other times her own trauma from her past life colors her responses and makes her act out.

My personal favorite moments of this sort are where the author flips it around and venting her frustrations - being "unfair" with the person she's talking to - turns out to be the absolute best course to take. And conversely, I like it a great deal when the story screws her for treating the game as a game. Who'da thunk it, when she's manipulating people to get their affection meter over a threshold so they won't kill her, the more perceptive among them feel like they're being manipulated and that makes them trust her less.

Of course, both of these speak to a broader lesson; that my own annoyance at "suboptimal plays" is foolish and possibly hypocritical. I've actually already hit two points in the plot where plans I thought up early on for what I'd have done in her shoes would have failed catastrophically. It's amazing work, making me feel like I know better than the protagonist and at the same time reminding me chapter after chapter that I don't.

Original “Wings” Scarf Made in Bishu, Japan Jacquard woven textile