no more little angels

Vessel lies on his hotel bed, staring at the ceiling.

The tour is going well, better than he expected. There have been almost no technical difficulties, the crew members are all getting along well, and, most importantly, the fans are loving it. He’s seen some comments praising him and the rest of the band, which warms his heart. 

Despite it all, he doesn’t feel fulfilled. He can’t feel fulfilled. Not without you around. 

The previous tour had been rewarding, even with all the issues they faced. The multiple technical issues and conflicts between crew members never demotivated him. But the lack of your presence does. 

He thought he had gotten used to being on tour, away from home, sleeping in beds that were rock hard, eating terrible food. And, in a way, he did. He learned to not mind it as it was the only way to achieve his dream. Those are all small sacrifices that he didn’t mind doing during their last tour, and, for the most part, still doesn’t mind. Except for one thing.

Over the past few months, you and Vessel have grown closer, to a point where you don’t spend time away from each other unless it's necessary. Despite not living together yet, you two are always sleeping in the same bed. Most of the time yours, as Vessel claimed that it is “much more comfortable” (and because it smells like you which comforts him, but he’d never admit that to your face). He has gotten used to coming home to you, to share a bed with you. It quickly became the highlight of his day.

And now there’s no one waiting for him in bed. Every time he gets in his bunk, he takes a deep breath hoping to smell your perfume on his sheet. Every time he opens the door of a hotel room, his shoulders slump forward as he doesn’t see you, curled up beneath the blankets. And every time he’s disappointed. He tried to convince himself that he would be fine and that his tour routine would fall back into place, making him forget the empty space beside him, but it has yet to happen. 

Instead, the only thing he can think about is you. He wants your body curled up against his, your breath tickling his neck as you tell him about your day, his fingers running through your hair. He wonders if you’re doing well, if you’re eating well, if you’re sleeping well. He wonders if you too have a hard time falling asleep. 

He lies in the middle of the crinkly sheets, alone, and the weight of his hand on his chest reminds him of you. Your head on his chest, his arm around your shoulders, yours around his waist, your soft skin beneath his finger tips, both of your heartbeats syncing together. He looks next to him, only to be met with the streetlight creeping through the shades illuminating the empty space.

He picks up his phone from the pillow next to his, which he put for you out of habit. The bright light of the screen blinds him while the time stares back at him. 10:37 pm. It’s the first time since the tour began that he could go to bed this early, yet he can’t seem to fall asleep. Every time he closes his eyes he sees your face, your beautiful smile and the way your eyes shine when you look at him. 

Vessel I hope you had a good day Well now I hope you have a good day since its 3am for you I missed you, darling I wish you could’ve come with me, this bed is too big for only one person… I hope my messages don’t wake you up 

He closes his phone and puts it on the other pillow, screen up. He texts you almost everyday, and you answer most of the time. Rarely do you have long conversations due to the time difference and how busy you both are, but you both try your hardest to be there for each other. 

His eyes find the ceiling once more, but this time it's blurry. His throat closes up while his breathing speeds up and chest feels heavy. He does want you to enjoy your life, but he wants to be there to enjoy it with you. He knows you would like to be there with him too, and that should be enough for him. He should be happy. He gets to be in amazing places, to see many different cities, to meet plenty of talented people in his field, but he keeps thinking back to you. There are too many people, and none of them are you. 

As tears roll down his cheeks, a buzzing sound gets him out of his head. He blinks rapidly, chasing away the tears, and he picks up his phone. He rushes to unlock it, hands shaking slightly. 

II There’s a 24/7 shop if you want food  Idk if you ate today, didnt see you do

His eyes scan the messages over and over again, only for disappointment to wash over him. He throws his phone on the pillow beside him, closes his eyes and bites his lower lip. For a second he thought you were awake and answering him. The heaviness in his chest settles back in. He flips over to be on his side, his long limbs spreading over the empty, cold space. He holds his own hand and rubs the back of it while closing his eyes, imagining your soft hands in his. 

Despite his best effort, he cannot fall asleep. He knows that he has an important meeting in the morning, followed by a show before getting back on the roads, and that he has to get all the rest that he can, but he just tosses and turns, the sheets tangling with his limbs. He takes a pillow and holds it in his arms, searching for the same warm feeling that fills his chest when you’re there. He wonders if he’ll ever be able to sleep alone for long periods of time, if he’ll ever get used to how cold the bed is without your body in it. 

His phone turns on, illuminating the room. He reluctantly lets go of his own hand to pick it up. As it closes he gets a glimpse of the notification and his breathing accelerates. He saw the picture he put for your contact. He unlocks his phone in a hurry and he opens the message app.  

My Darling  My day’s been good, there was my favourite ice cream at the store!   I miss you too  I can’t wait for you to come back  Your sweatshirt doesn’t smell like your cologne anymore :(  I hope the tour’s going well, I saw some videos and you look really good ;)