lyss

10 year old me, absolutely overthinking the shit out of this: but it feels wrong to do good deeds only to gain something in return, isn’t it inherently bad if my reason for helping isn’t just to help but so I can boast about it in a notebook?

14 year old me, staring at my paper: how am i supposed to do that when we only summed up what happened? what are the details someone experiencing this would focus on? what were the opinions of people about that? what words that are long since out of fashion would I use? what was the culture like back then and what references would someone make? If I don’t do it it sounds unrealistic and fake can we please do more research first

BEE. AY EN AY EN AY ESS.

when people imagine anxiety, they always imagine risk averse behavior. you overthink, you’re deliberate, your thinking is catastrophic, and you’re always thinking through seventeen possible scenarios in which things can go wrong. 

but sometimes you’re so anxious and things feel so horrible that you do things without thinking because you want the bad feelings to stop. you say something stupid in a group chat, so you immediately leave all of your servers and block your friends so that you don’t have to see the aftermath. you’re unsure about your relationship, so you break up with your partner out of nowhere or you wake up one morning and just decide to ghost them so you don’t have to deal with it anymore. you’re uncomfortable at a party with people you don’t know, so you run outside and take the train home at 3am without realizing how dangerous that is because you just need to leave.