old posts.

Let me explain something to you, and this is really important. Not every member of your system is necessarily going to be a trauma holder. Children create alters based on their needs for survival. Sometimes what you need is a friend to love and comfort you when you are going through literal hell. There are a few members of my system that aren’t trauma holders. They were created to be protectors, friends, a source of relief from my reality. That doesn’t take away from the fact that my system is traumagenic in origin.

I have DID. I’m a trauma system. But not every alter holds trauma because that’s not what my child self needed them to do.

You aren’t a “mixed origin system” because some of your alters don’t remember the trauma, don’t seem to have originated directly from the trauma, or don’t believe the trauma happened. 

I have DID and I’d say about ¾ of my system members either currently believe or at one time believed that there was no trauma at all. They either believed that they personally experienced no trauma, or that the entire system experienced no trauma. That is the entire point of them. That is pretty much the entire point of DID! 

Having parts that believe that the trauma didn’t happen and that you lived a normal life is incredibly helpful and protective when you had a traumatic childhood. But when you say that you’re a “mixed origin system” now, you’re clinging to that false belief and you’re hurting your system. Part of healing is helping everyone recognize reality so they can heal from it. 

And it gets worse. You remember more trauma. You remember more of the hell they put you through. You wonder how they still think they did nothing wrong?

No.

No. No. No.

Or

Emotionally abused child strongly believes that their parent is inherently good and deserves all the compassion in the world, all the excuses, all forgiveness and none of the blame for their actions (parents make sure children know that the blame would hurt them so children must never blame them) and will fight to defend the parent and point out why abuse was not really abuse, why children deserved it, why nobody is to blame, except maybe themselves, because “they weren’t good enough” to appease the parent which would then hopefully be a bit more kind (of course not). They often wont even admit how badly they’re scared of their parents.

To have an abused child realize they’ve been exploited, lied to, betrayed, systematically destroyed and dehumanized by their parent, their entire world needs to break down, everything they’ve been taught has to be acknowledged as a lie, what they considered right and fair needs to change to wrong, who they trusted the most needs to change to be least trust-worthy, who in their head, made sure they survive up to that point, needs to turn into a person who almost cost them their life, and destroyed it rather than held it safe. It’s not a fun ride. It’s devastating to go through, it breaks a person apart completely and forces them to re-construct their entire reality. And it’s the only way to have a chance to really recover, to validate themselves and their pain, to understand to what depth they’ve been damaged, and by who and why. It’s the only way to realize that they’re entitled to life, to food, to roof, to nurturing, to everything that was held against them, they’ve been required to feel grateful that they weren’t left to die. 

• hypersexuality and masturbating at a young age

• still wetting the bed as an older child

• being sensitive to the sound of stairs creaking

• panicking when you think an adult seems angry or speaks to you in an intimidating tone, even if they weren’t actually angry at all, that’s just how you perceived it

• being “the weird kid” at school

• making up a fantasy world that you can live in instead

• reenacting your abuse with your dolls

• trying to make yourself look sexy for adults so that they’ll like you

• joining a lot of after-school clubs so you could spend more time away from home

Being terrified to go within 10 feet of a pool

Freaking out when someone is behind you for even a second

Checking mirrors as you walk through the parking lot to make sure no one’s following you

Memorizing every license plate

Curling into a ball and sobbing for forgiveness when someone looks at you sternly

Crying out when someone moves too fast

Making up totally useless stories as to how you got injured even if there’s no reason for a cover up

Constantly questioning if something is real

Freezing up when relatives come by

Feeling protective over young children

Alternatively, having no emotional attachment or empathy for young children

Panicking when you hear unfamiliar (or family) voices in the house

Compulsively lying to make sure you don’t get in trouble despite doing nothing that actually would

Trying to be as unappealing and ugly as possible to ward off creeps

Simultaneously showing your body to strangers online at any request

Masturbating until it actually hurts you

Obsessively thinking of assault without control and screaming at yourself to stop

“Am I really a victim?” “Yes” “Okay but–”

Horrified yet attracted to being taken advantage of

Preferring to be beaten because you “can handle that a lot better than this”

Using different methods and tools to self harm so there’s no cuts

p l e a s e don’t shame neglect survivors for not knowing “basic” things like how to eat a balanced diet, when to go to the doctor, how to drive, etc. you know these things (usually) because a caring adult taught them to you. we didn’t have that. we often enter adulthood knowing jack shit about how to take care of ourselves. we know we’re missing information, and we feel so fucking lost.

it’s okay to, if you have a friend who’s experienced neglect, try and help them learn how to take care of themselves. saying things like “hey, do you think you could try to eat at least one vegetable per day?” or “that infection looks pretty bad, do you want to go to a doctor?” is genuinely helpful. but belittling us for not already knowing these things is completely unproductive and unnecessarily cruel.

it’s not a fun setup with a bunch of friends in your head, or role-playing as different people, or your favorite kintypes taking on their own strength

instead it’s waking up realizing you don’t remember the last month and your hands are shaking from a panic attack

or days when you’re talking down a friend from suicide, knowing their attempt would kill you too

it’s your head being filled with static and your hands not feeling like your own

it’s suddenly realizing you don’t know where you are or who you’re with and panicking but not being able to say anything because these are apparently your friends

sometimes it’s people sitting and whispering death threats into your ears, or laughing about how you’re too much a wuss to end it all

or people bullying you for your life choices

you can’t leave those people, they share your skin

it’s nights where nothing gets done because there was a little kid in your body crying on the floor

or nights where you don’t know who you are because you feel like 6 people at once

it’s dissociation

it’s crying for hours

it’s trauma tangible enough that your body itches and aches

it’s terrifying and it never fucking stops