pifflepafflepouffe

My story might be unusual, or it might be typical...who knows? Because The NHS system doesn't let you tell your story. Given the fact that I believe we are very privileged the have the NHS in this country and that I am proud that we do, it doesn't doesn't excuse the terrible deficiencies of the system. Particular where mental health is concerned.

In brief; I have suffered with depression for most of my life and I have been on and off multiple different types of drugs to treat this illness, I have been in and out of counselling, depression and anxiety groups and at 32 I am still at a loss in terms of trying to cope. I have recently started CBT counselling which is proving to make me feel worse...my counsellor doesn't even bother to look at my record sheets that I duly fill out day in day out and in my first session she told me that it might not work for me.  Whoopdedoo.

I am essentially exhausted by being passed from pillar to post. I can count no less than 10 different antidepressants that I have been prescribed and persevered with over the years and we start to look at the horrendous side effects that I have endured, including: tremors, restless leg syndrome, sleep disturbances, night terrors, nausea, constipation, disorientation, brain shocks, confusion, lack of concentration, dizziness, self-displacement syndrome (dissociation), lack of motor control, hallucinations... it's no wonder now that I am on the "last resort" of medications (because... don't you know people, that peeps that take this medicine have a higher chance of suicide than any other) I don't feel any cheerier.

Indeed thanks to the work of Ben Goldacre maybe antidepressant drugs might get more of an investigation and proper research and publicity than they have been doing...in terms of the BAD NEWS about them. They don't know how they work people. simple as that. In fact that chances are if you took a placebo, that would be just as good in determining the outcomes of you "getting better".

I can't even begin to tell you how angry I am about the latest form of 'help' I'm supposed to be receiving...CBT. "What would you be doing if you were feeling better?" Well, I wouldn't be bloody attending these useless sessions for start. My CBT counsellor actually asks ME what I think we should be doing in the session. And furthermore, constantly reminds me that there is only so much we can do in 12 sessions... hmmm... no shit sherlock. Well in my first week I actually managed to achieve quite a lot but none of that was acknowledged at all and have now been told that maybe my 'eating disorder' is a symptom of a more overarching depressive nature...REALLY????? Let's focus on that next week shall we? Well, yes. That IS what I came for.

I am, pretty much sick of being treated a) like a child because I have mental health problems and b) like every physical problem is a symptom of the depression (did I mention the chronic neck pain, sleeplessness and TMJS) and c) having to fill out those damn questionnaires that do not capture not even a tiny little bit of my story... "When in the last two weeks have you been so restless or lethargic that other people would have noticed" - well none really because I live alone and do my best to blend into the background in public because whenever people ask how you are and you respond with truth - "I'm actually pretty shit actually" They turn around and walk away. 

Someone close lost a life yesterday. I don't know this person. But it happened near me and I heard the sirens as did many others. Many people feel bereft even though they don't have any affinity with those that have lost.

This is of course, an aspect of our wonderful empathic human nature, to be able to relate the sadness of others to ourselves and be thankful for what we still have in our lives when others have lost what is most precious to them.

We hold those close to us, close. We mourn those we have lost. And love those we have not.

But. If we realised that this loss occurs every moment for someone somewhere, where would our hearts lie? When would our days be anything but sadness? If we are truly empathic, then we could not possibly wake any day without mourning someone's loss. Because we do not have the knowledge of what happens we can be ignorant, and therefore, surely it is knowledge that is the catalyst for kindness or ignorance. And if knowledge should only come upon us by chance, which it most certainly does (unless you already have bionic ability to follow every blog, article, newspaper, text..) then how are we to claim our goodness?

The other way of course, is to grant the truth that awful things happen every day, to everyone, in close vicinity to everyone else and that we are all connected by this one true fact. And that good things happen every day. But people don't talk about them.

So I've been feeling rather disconnected from myself recently... for quite some time now, let's say a few months...which inevitably results in a complete disregard and neglect for one's mind, body and soul, in case you hadn't noticed, I've put a serious amount of weight on, have struggled with my own sanity at times and if we want to talk about spirituality, well that wrote me a Dear John letter and left the building quite some time back! And I know that after several years of counselling that the one thing that is missing in these times of stress, anxiety, depression is a connection to self. Ultimately, loving one's self.

Some of you may be wandering around your daily lives completely and always connected to your self - meaning you know what you want, you honour your feelings, you get things done that need to be done, you feel whole... it isn't this way for me. And I'm sure it isn't this way for many people too. There is a chasm and a schism that opens up when we start turning away from ourselves and into self-hatred and of course there are multiple factors that lead to this.I won't bore you with my personal details!

I'm writing this and publishing it on my facebook because yes, this is where I connect with the world, my people and I need you to all be aware and be able to talk about the fundamental pain that exists probably within us all at some point. The pain makes us feel solitary and isolated and it's only by talking about it that we can connect with each other...but also ourselves. It provides us with a mirror for our souls, to see what is really going on inside of us.

So, I have known recently that I have been burying myself in food and weight and busyness and other stuff in order to avoid actually feeling what is going on and seeing what is going on. Therefore I decided this week to go on a detox, to stop eating to comfort (woah that's a biggy) and force myself to feel. I'll be honest, I've always thought "yeah of course we eat to comfort...but it tastes good THAT's why!" but I've actually thought this past week that maybe there is something more that goes on psychologically when we shove that food down our throats.Maybe it does ACTUALLY stop us thinking, creating, feeling and moving on. So, I'm doing it. And it really isn't as easy as it sounds.

There is suddenly this great big space that has opened up...that's the emptiness creeping in... but I am assured from somewhere within that something will arise to fill that space if I can just hold out long enough and focus. So I'm going to document my progress on here... I suspect if you're bored already you won't have read this far and I don't think many people read my tumblr posts anyway, which is cool, I just need to do this for myself and be honest about what happens...so please feel free to ignore my posts over the next few days, weeks...but feel free to comment if you have had similar experiences.