Thoughts by L.L.

This weekend I told someone I love more than they know that I am not ready to be in a relationship with them. It wasn’t a conversation either of us expected to have at the time. As someone who believes in having relationship conversations in person or at least talking over the phone, I was relieved that it came up over text because it gave me a moment to collect/confirm my thoughts. I wanted to say yes. I see myself with him and happy. It would have been so easy to say yes. But I’m working on me and that takes priority at the moment.

We were together before and things were good until they weren’t. Communication broke down and we went our separate ways. At first, I held on to the idea that we would work it out. After a few weeks I accepted that things were over. It was time for me to let it go and move forward. I turned focus on myself. This was the first time I had been single in years. My life became work, kitten snuggles, meal prep, and the gym. I started to read and write more again. I felt like I was connecting with myself again. Loving myself again. It felt so good.

During all of this, I started getting back to normal with one of my best friends. She happens to be the fiance of my ex that I mentioned before. Obviously, this meant my ex and I started crossing paths again. It hurt to be around him and not be with him, but I kept telling myself that I needed to get used to this. To be able to be his friend because my other friendship was not worth losing. Turns out he missed me too and we started having a lot of conversations about seeing where things could go. 

I had a mental breakdown a little over a month ago now. I felt like I was in a great place and then something snapped. I’ve had issues with my depression and anxiety over the years, but this was the worst. I made an appointment and decided to go with my doctors recommendation to take medicine. It was the right move for me. I’m slowly getting back to myself. I even have an appointment (FINALLY - It takes forever!) with a therapist to work through whatever it is that has had me messed up off and on for about a year.

My ex has been amazing through this time. Our communication is so different from before. However, I keep running these words below through my mind. Words that we all hear and know, but we forget when those love butterflies start floating around us. 

“You have to be happy with yourself first.”

Don’t get me wrong. I love me. I don’t feel bad spending a night alone with my cat or even going to the movies by myself. I just acknowledge that something is not all good with me mentally. 

I have needs that need to be met before I can give myself to a relationship. No matter how deeply in love I am with someone.