Born Before Another

I don’t care. Just stop expecting every relationship to follow a specific pattern and instead find the beauty you both want in your specific relationship with that other person.

When I started this blog my husband and I were barely having sex. If you followed me here, you know some of the obstacles we faced, and that things are rarely simple. But through that blog, and now this one, I am finding the courage to find myself.  

Some may ask why I started the blog daisies-in-thedark instead of continuing on with chrissymiller89, and the short answer (yeah right, nothing is short when I try to explain it - sorry) is that it had been a secret, whereas he knows about this blog. In truth, he knows about both now… I read him one of my more erotic writings and when I finished I told him, I wrote that, and he was shocked and asked where it was posted, and I told him, on my blog. he asked how long I’d had a blog and how many people followed me, and I said, um.. a long time, and just over 3000, but that I had stepped away from it because I didn’t want to be hiding anything from him, it’s not who I am or want to be. I explained how It is kind of my diary, and yet better in a way, because of the people that I’ve met that allow me to know I am not alone in my thoughts and fears, that I am not twisted or crazy.  That I use it as my emotional dumping ground to expel my hurt over his affair so as not to drag him back down with guilt, as he struggles enough with shame and hasn’t forgiven himself, but I need to be able to get it out somehow.  I do it for inspiration, for courage, for the affirmation and support of the amazing people that I’ve met here.  Then I sat in agonizing silence waiting for him to say something… anything.  ”Is it helping?” he asked me. “Yes.” I said.  ”Then you should do it,” he said.  I was happily surprised.  

I put the question back to him and added, we were barely having sex when I started my blog, we are intimate several times a week now, I am more expressive and have been able to try to ask for the things I need, which you know is really hard for me, and we are talking about things instead of bottling them up, so you tell me, has it helped?  He was thoughtful and replied “most definitely.”  

I still feel like my blog is the most selfish thing I’ve ever done, probably because I do very little in my life that is just for me…  but this is.  He didn’t ask to see my blog, and when it was apparent he was not going to, I told him that I didn’t keep it from him because I don’t want to share my blog with him, because I do share much of what I write, or post with him, but at the same time, I also need a place to explore and let out the things I don’t quite understand yet, the things I know he is no where near ready for yet, and so on.  (It’s funny, because I can always tell too.. As I sit next to him scrolling my dash I’ll show him an image that speaks to me now and then, and his facial reaction says all I need to know. Holy hell does it ever!!  And I gently remind myself - Baby Steps!!  But at least I’m trying.)  And again he understood.  It was one of the more difficult discussions I’ve ever had, but also a really freeing conversation.  

So, I am back because I missed my outlet, I missed writing, I missed my soul sisters - the beautiful women here that have been so amazing, I missed the affirmation, and the knowledge that I am NOT alone.