Seduce the mind... and the body is yours

I’m going to preface this post with the disclaimer that I have not been active in the D/s lifestyle for very long. I’ve only been actively involved for about 3 years. However, throughout those 3 years, I have learned SO much. I feel like it’s only right that I should impart a little bit of knowledge that I wish I would have know when I was just starting out. 

As I’ve said in previous posts, I write strictly from my own point of view and experience. I’m always open for respectful discussion and debate about anything about which I venture an opinion.

So without further ado….

1. Abusive behavior can masquerade as Dominance.

I have heard many, many stories of submissive women who have ended up in abusive relationships. Many so-called “Doms” use D/s, or rather the appearance of it, to manipulate and abuse their partners. It took me YEARS to leave my abusive partner. I was young and naive and I mistook domineering for dominant. Controlling for being in control. It is very easy to make these mistakes. If you find yourself making excuses for your partner or rationalizing behavior that has made you feel anything less the respected and valued, it’s time to rethink your situation.

Always remember - SAFE, SANE, and CONSENSUAL. If any one of these conditions is not being met, RUN, don’t walk away. 

2. It’s not all about sex.

I will be very honest and say when I first started, I had been so sheltered, I though D/s was a bedroom only kind of thing. I didn’t know anything about it beyond the kinky sex. 

D/s is about a power exchange. One partner willingly submitting to another who agrees to take on the responsibilities of guidance and protection. The sex is just and outward manifestation of a relationship built on trust and respect. 

In theory, you can have D/s relationship that is entirely asexual. I personally couldn’t do that, but I believe there are couples out there who engage in relationships of that sort.

3. Building trust takes time. 

I can just see a bunch of you rolling your eyes and saying, “Well, duh! That’s a no-brainer.” So let me qualify a bit. When I, and many others, first started, I wanted to do as much as I could as quickly as I could. I believe the phenomenon is known as “sub frenzy.” 

You get a little taste of what you’ve been searching for, sometimes without even knowing you were searching for it, and you want more and more and more and you don’t want to wait for it. You’re so eager to experience the fulfillment you’ve desired that you lose sight of what is safe and sane. You can put yourself in situations that are downright dangerous. 

As difficult as it is. Wait. Take the time to build trust with your Dom. Trust Him to know when and how far to push you. 

4. You can not have a D/s relationship that is devoid of emotion.

I think there are some who may disagree with me on this, however in my opinion and my experience, I believe it to be the absolute truth. 

In a power exchange, as a submissive in a power exchange relationship, you are opening yourself, not just physically, but also mentally, emotionally, psychologically, and even spiritually. You’re going to push limits. You’re going to explore boundaries. You can’t do that without having a tremendous amount of trust and building a deep and lasting bond. 

5. D/s doesn’t always have to be serious.

While there is always a serious aspect to a D/s relationship, it doesn’t have to be all the time. It’s ok to want to laugh with your Dom. It’s ok to have a sense of humor when things don’t go quite right. 

For me, I have found that laughter is one of the best forms of aftercare. Laughter can be just as cathartic as crying. 

Being able to have fun within you power exchange, in whatever way works for you, is a wonderful expression of the trust and respect you have for one another.

6. COMMUNICATION IS KEY

I saved the best, and most important, for last. This is another one of those no-brainer items, but I cannot overemphasize this.