warnings: gaslighting, self sabotage, cursing
synopsis: "you could have anyone you want, why would you wanna be with me
a/n: apology for not posting i'll know😞😞😞 also i wrote the summary for this w one song in mind, wrote this while listening to another, then quoted a completely other song😭😭😭
“Just leave me around already!” you shouted out, stomping over to your shared room with Mina slamming the door.
Mina stood there, dumbstruck. Never had you ever used a tone like that with her, but these past few weeks you seemed to only be picking fights. Mina obviously was intensely worried, she couldn't help but wonder what she had done to get you so upset.
Your relationship with Mina was nearing perfect, well that was until your mind decided to start fucking with you. You knew it was wrong, Mina hadn't done anything to warrant such a reaction from you. You had just come home from work, and Mina, who had also just arrived at home, asked about your day. She could only assume that your boss had been extremely bitchy with you with how you reacted to the question.
When the door to your room slammed and you twisted the lock, you slid down to the floor, cradling your head in your hands. “fuck, fuck, FUCK!” you mumbled out, talking to yourself. You deeply regretted what you had said to her, you knew she was tired, she had also just come back from a full day of work. You hated that you potentially hurt her. But that's what she’d eventually do to you right? Someone like her could never truly like someone like you. How could such a perfect person love someone so imperfect?
You loved her, you did, with all that you were. But the lingering thought that she could leave you the moment she found another woman attractive never left. She could have anyone in the world, why would she want to stay with you? You were only lessening the blow for when it finally came, detaching yourself from her so when she left it wouldn't hurt. If this was really meant to lessen your hurt, then why was it that every time you saw her face fall at your mean words that your heart shattered a bit more in your chest. Treating Mina like this hurt you more than you thought imaginable.
These insecurities had never been present before, you were never one to be insecure nor jealous. Seeing Mina with Sana though, it reminded you of everything you were not. The way Sana’s hand slid up Mina’s arm, the way Mina would laugh it off, not removing the hand on her. You could feel it coursing through your veins, envy. You would never be able to compare to Sana, not her long straight beautiful hair, nor her cute smile. Hell, you thought that you’d choose her too had you been mina. Sana was everything you were not, everything you were not and more. She was everything you were and weren't.
Seeing mina return the flirtations had you overcome with sadness, why would she indulge in that with a girlfriend. You didn't know Sana, not at all. Maybe if you did, you would’ve known that Sana was like a sister to Mina, that she had grown up with Sana. That Sana was nothing more than a best friend that liked intimacy. But of course, you didn't know, you didn't know and so you did the only thing you knew to do. You withdrew, you started to distance yourself from Mina, often being rude and dismissive.
You could tell it hurt her, but she never said anything back. Not wanting to let her anger get the best of her and accidentally say something that might hurt you. How considerate she was, even while getting told to shut up. She loved you, and hurt was the last thing she’d want to see on your pretty face. She knew where the line was drawn and no matter how much you crossed it, she refused to.
letting out a sigh, Mina let herself fall back onto the couch behind her. she would talk to you later when you weren't as mad. she thought back to these last few weeks. how drastically your behavior had changed. Where you used to constantly be all over her, always touching her in some way. she now found that you’d barely ever lay a finger on her, often flinching when she initiated physical contact. this hurt her greatly, she just couldn’t seem to understand what brought on this change.
The longer she waited, the more overcome with exhaustion she became. Her schedule today had been packed, with interviews and more things of the sort. She hadn’t even eaten dinner, nor changed, having come home just a minute before you. sooner than later, she succumbed to the exhaustion, falling asleep on the couch.
You awoke the next morning, curled up on the bed you shared with Mina, puffy eyed. you checked the time on your phone, seeing that it was five am. One more hour ‘til your work starts. you looked around, noticing that the big bed was empty. A sigh fell from your mouth, sadness and self hatred overwhelming you once again. The reasonable side of your mind yelled at you to wake up and stop doing this. Sadly, the other part of your head was screaming louder at you. whispering that promises would be broken, she’d just leave you in the end.
You got out of bed and went to go take a shower and get ready. Upon leaving your room after getting ready, you found Mina curled up on the sofa very clearly shivering. You could hear the cracking of your heart from within. in that moment you didn’t care a bit for the voices screaming at you. You only cared for the girl who might catch a cold in her own house.
You picked her up bridal style and carried her over to the bed. You refused to be stopped by the fact that you weren’t strong enough to carry her and pushed through. With your will, came power, the strength to carry her smoothly suddenly entered your body. You carried her to your shared room with her and tucked her in bed. You turned on the small heater next to the bed and faced it towards her.
You left a soft kiss on her forehead and then left for work. Breakfast was overrated anyways.
Unlike every other day, today you came home to the beautiful face of Mina painted with anger. you didn’t acknowledge the obvious anger on her face and just brushed past her to the kitchen. Before you could take a step in that direction you found yourself being aggressively pulled back. a yelp escaped your lips at how unexpected it was.
“Sit down.” Mina said, her voice tone serious and commanding. If you were anyone else you definitely would’ve. but you were you in the end.
“Don’t make me repeat myself.” Her voice held no room for arguments, and even you knew better than to argue.
Following her command, you sat. She sat down next to you on the couch and took your hand in hers staring deeply into your cold eyes. She couldn’t figure out what you were thinking, your eyes now cold, a stark contrast from how they used to be.
“Baby please, talk to me. I know something’s bothering you, please, just talk to me.” Mina softly begged, her thumb drawing circles on the back of your hand.
“i- uh-“ As soon as you felt your resolve dropping by the slightest, it all came back in a flash. Her flirting with Sana, everything. You pulled your hand away from Mina, so fast one might’ve thought it was a burn.
“I don't know what you’re talking about. You’re probably just imagining things.” You said standing up and attempting to walk away.
“y/n please, i know something’s up.” Mina once again pleaded, grabbing your hand, stopping you from leaving
“Nothings fucking up. You’re literally making shit up, and fucking let go of me. You’re so fucking annoying.” You said once again ripping your hand away from Mina's grip.
This time Mina didn’t allow it, gripping your hand tighter in response to you trying to pull your hand away. She pulled you back onto the couch and this time she stood up.
“Just tell me what's wrong, and stop giving me so much attitude! You’re not my teenage fucking daughter that im just gonna put up with this!” Mina yelled, angry at the words you were spitting at her.
“I- i think we should break up.” you stuttered out, in hesitance averting your gaze from Mina’s.
“W-what?” you questioned, the possibility of this response never crossed your mind. Your gaze shifted back to Mina, trying to gauge her feelings, you couldn't though. You couldn't figure out what was going on behind those dark eyes of hers. You felt the the tables had just been flipped, you were now in her shoes. On the receiving end of her anger.
“There won't be a breakup until you explain why.” Mina said in the most monotone voice you’d ever heard from her.
“I just- i dont l-love you anymore.”
“Stop lying, you aren't fooling anyone with that.” Mina said, a laugh accompanying her words, you could practically feel the condescension dripping off her words.
You could feel the suffocating feeling in your throat creeping in, why couldn't she just understand and leave you alone. “I dont- i dont love you anymore. Just let me fucking leave!” you yelled out the end, frustration overtaking you.
You could feel the tears forming, the familiar feeling of butterflies in your stomach. Not the good kind of butterflies though, the ones that came along with a feeling of dread, the ones that you hated.
“Stop fucking lying and just spit it out! What is going on with you?!” Mina shouted at you. You felt incredibly small at her shouts, sure you had done the same, but you had always been overly sensitive. You could feel the water leaking out of your eyes before you knew it.
Mina was being so mean to you, she had never raised her voice at you before. You had taken her kindness for granted and now you were faced with the opposite of it. “J-just l-leave me alone.” you hiccuped out, covering your face in embarrassment.
Why did you have to cry now of all times? You cursed your body for giving this kind of reaction to her shouting.
“Baby, please. Just talk to me.” Mina said, much softer this time, wrapping her arms around you.
You found yourself instinctively cuddling into her embrace, shaking in her arms. “Why should I even stay with you if you're just gonna leave me in the end?” you mumbled into her chest.
Mina’s eyes widened at this, she held your shoulders and pulled you away to look you in your eyes. “Why would you even think that?” Mina questioned, clearly taken aback by your assumption. Had she done anything to make you feel that way?
“You're just gonna leave me for a prettier girl like Sana when you get tired of me.” You mumbled, pushing yourself back into her chest, embarrassed for talking about your emotions.
“Babe, Sana’s like my little sister. And why would I leave someone as pretty as you. I don't think anyone could even come close to you in terms of beauty.” Mina said, holding you tight and kissing your head.
“I don't know, I just saw you with Sana and just I don't know, it made me realize that you're way out of my league and you could just- leave me anytime.”
“But I don't wanna leave you for anyone. I love you not anyone else.” Mina softly whispered into your ear.
“I'm sorry,” you whimpered out, pulling your head out of her chest to look in her eyes as you pouted. “I’ve been such a bitch to you. I don't know how you put up with me.”
“I’d rather fight with you all night than spend a peaceful night with someone else.” Mina whispered out before softly connecting your lips with hers.
You could only be left in awe at the fact that it was always you she chose.