Lutyen

1. Focus on your positive qualities. It’s true that we can all improve in some ways – but start by finding your good qualities – and recognise that these are a major part of who you are.

2. Be aware of, and fight against, your negative self-talk. Negative self talk can quickly snowball and become an angry tirade against yourself – so you become your own worst critic and your own worst enemy. Instead, choose to respect yourself, to love, affirm and believe in yourself.

3. Don’t dwell on things you know you cannot change. We all have imperfections, weaknesses and flaws. They’re really not that crucial, and they’re not that big a deal. Try to keep them in perspective – and change what you CAN change.

4. Make your own decisions – don’t always look to others, and think that they know better … But choose to trust yourself.

hi so im recovering from a really mean depression and there are some things i learned and that i would like to tell you. 

1. you need to reappropriate your space and time. depression is lying to you and generally shrinks your living space (aka: you spend your time in bed/behind your computer/in your room…). visit and do something (even if its just scrolling down social media) in each room you have access to. expand your perception and space, you’ll breathe more easily.

2. plan depression outfits. a depression outfit is a comfy one you still can go out in. to me, it’s old ripped jeans and a turtleneck, my old work uniforms, sweaters. dressing up is one of the most important parts of managing depression. first of all, you’ll feel less like pathetic with proper clothes on (nothing worse than staying in your pj all day). secondly, and it’s a crucial point: it allows you to get out to run some errands. imagine you have to go grocery shopping or to the post office. if you’re in your unwashed pajamas you’ve been wearing for three days or more (been there done that) what you have to do is to undress, shower (if you can), and put on real, clean clothes. which is three things. depression messes wih one’s ability to start things, so it’s very likely you’ll drop your errands and just stay at home feeling like shit. but if you’re already wearing clothes, you just have to put on a coat and get out of the house. which is, trust me, 10 times easier than doing the whole dressing up thing.

3. it’s okay if you stay the whole day in bed but force yourself to get up in the morning (anytime before noon) and drink a glass of water/juice. again, depression messes up with your ability to start doing things, but if you concentrate your will to just get up and drink something before going back to bed, i promise you’ll feel less shitty and might actually end up getting up for good since you’ve been through the trouble of getting up. You’ll feel better (and also you need water!)

4. do one (1) physical, material thing that will improve your life conditions per day. aka: washing a single glass, scrubbing the mirror, etc. you’ll feel proud of yourself, and the tidiest your environment, the less shitty your brain will be. plus, again: if you manage to wash a single dish, maybe you’ll find yourself cleaning the whole kitchen without noticing. and thats a good thing. no pressure: just do one single thing. and don’t beat yourself up if you can’t, of course, but try, it’s gonna be better that way. 

5. open the window (especially at night, i personally find it very soothing) and just… breathe fresh air, looking at the horizon or closing your eyes, and breathe in and out slowly. it’s great to take fresh air. bonus if you have anxiety/ptsd, honestly. opening the windows is one of the easiest ways i know to stop a panic attack.

6. brush your teeth everyday, even if it’s the only thing you manage to do. i know every depression guide recommends it, but it’s really important. not showering for a few days is okay, you’re not gonna get sick that way. but dental hygiene is capital. not to mention you’ll feel less rotting in the inside if you’re less rotting in the outside. you can use your phone to schedule your teeth brushing of the day! really helps. 

7. think about your hobbies and force yourself to do something related to an old hobby of yours. i know it’s no fun. i know you can’t feel anything, so why bother? but really, do bother. do it and eventually as you recover it will be fun again. you haven’t lost your passion, your goals, your motivation. it’s still there, but depression is like a blanket that covers it all. forcing yourself to still act on your hobbies (especially if those are not screen-related: books, gardening, etc.) will help digging through the depression layers to expose your will to live again. trust me on this one. i really thought i was just an apathetic mess, but actually depression was just mean. i believe in you! 

and finally: hold tight and it’s gonna be okay! recovery is possible, and it’s gonna arrive sooner than you expect. energy and motivation are good things and they’re still around here waiting for you! 

The way we think about or speak to ourselves it’s a key aspect in self exploration and the process of recovery. After all, we are around ourselves twenty four hours a day and three hundred and sixty five days a year. So, with this logic it makes sense that we can be our own worst enemies, but at the same time having a healthy relationship with how you view and discuss yourself can be one of the most powerful tools in anyone’s recovery journey. Self esteem for many in the mental health community, our system included is a huge and exhausting battle, But I am hoping that with this post getting a handle on at least one aspect will be at least a little less daunting. So now it’s self-love o’clock and if you want read along and we’ll figure some stuff out.

How do we talk to ourselves?

Internal monologue

Pay attention to your internal reactions to things like your mistakes, victories, and interactions with other people. Sometime this is obvious other times its more of subconscious things more like a general feeling of guilt shame or lack of self worth.

Examine these thoughts from a third party perspective. I find that these questions can be extremely helpful in this sort of examination.

What is the message in this thought? (What’s it saying)

Would this be something I would say outloud?

Is this something I would say to a stranger? How about a friend? Or even a pet or young child?

2. Taking a closer. Look at the true nature and severity of how you speak to yourself as opposed to how you interact with other is a crucial albeit painful step in shifting your views on yourself.

3. Reflect on what you have noticed I or observed

For example, if you noticed the messages were negative, meant envoke feelings of shame, or something you wouldn’t say to someone else. Think about why you came to those conclusions and what you might say instead, or even stop saying anything about it all.

How do we talk about ourselves?

1. Receiving compliments- pay attention to the way you respond to compliments.

Do you minimize your accomplishments?

Do you make self deprecating remarks in response?

Do genuine compliments make you uncomfortable?

Can you compliment yourself in a genuine way?

2. Humor

Do you make jokes that minimize your talent, worth, value or skills?

Would this be okay to say to someone else?

Why do you say this about yourself? What does it accomplish?

The effects of negative self-talk

In the moment

Minimizes you or what you are describing/ referring to?

Provides negative reinforcement, often without reason.

Implies that it is alright to talk to yourself or others that way.

Starts a pattern or habit (Difficult to stop, trust me)

Overall

Lowers your self esteem and confidence in yourself or in your abilities.

Makes you appear as if you are less competent or worthy (that is not true)

Can make advocating for yourself and setting boundaries much harder, as at some level you can convince yourself the self deprivation and negative thoughts are the truth or you somehow deserve to be treated or spoken to in that way.

How to work on this:

My first reaction when I learned this was something along the line of “well great yet another thing I have to work on”. But after sometime and working towards this goal for a while it really does make a very big difference in your self esteem, ability to make boundaries, and advocate for yourself. As annoying as these things may sound they are worth it, and these techniques overtime really do make a difference.

The ‘Five nice things” technique

This is one that I have my partner help my with and works best when you can have someone prompt or gently remind you to stay on top of this challenge.

Basically the general idea behind this is everytime you say something negative, mean or self deprecating about yourself, you outloud list five nice things about yourself.

Example

Uh I’m the worst parrot groomer ever

I am kind

I am funny

I am good at my job

I am worthy of appreciation

I am strong

The “gentle voice” technique

This is a more self coached way of approaching negative self talk. Effectively you speak to yourself, often out loud at first, they way you would a pet or youn child. (I know this sounds strange, but hopefully the example will help)

Example

Let’s say you forget to do something for your friend and have feelings of guilt and want to say something unkind to yourself Instead of a mean comment approach it as if you are speaking to someone you care about

Instead of “Oh I’m such a fish stick” try “Whoops, I made a mistake, but thats okay, I can bring Steven the muffins later on”

Effectively turn the statement from a harsh judgement on yourself to a more gentle and understanding response, that is encouraging and solution oriented rather than heart full and encouraging of shame.

Basic tips to improve self esteem and the way we talk to or about yourselves:

Try to eliminate self deprecating humor from your vocabulary, instead of these joke you can say something absurd in a none harmful way (Not “I’m so clumsy” but instead “That rug has wronged me”)

Try using gratitude statements instead of constant apologies (Thank you for listening to me, Thank you for waiting etc)

Accept compliments with gratitude instead of silence, minimization or deflection

Compliment yourself/Acknowledge when you have done well

Verbally forgive yourself for mistakes. (“I forgot about the bake sale but thats okay, people make mistakes. I am allowed to make mistakes.)

Surround yourself with positivity whether that be changing up social media, people around you, media consumed and the way you talk to and about yourself (I like putting post its everywhere with happy stuff, having something happy as my lock screen, changing music, and apps like motivate (sends inspirational quotes))

Be patient with yourself, this change wont happen overnight, and thats okay

AFFIRMATIONS ARE FREAKING GREAT (I literally say this every post but still, say it into being lovely humans)

Sometimes classics can be improved upon.

The Tree Who Set Healthy Boundaries : an alternate ending for Shel Silverstein’s The Giving Tree by Topher Payne 💯🌳❤️

1. Giving and receiving unconditional love

2. Having a solid friendship

3. A commitment to understand each other, and each other’s perspective on things

4. Having a relationship that is built on trust

5. Having, and demonstrating, genuine respect for one another

6. Sharing common values

7. Maintaining open communication, and making time to talk and share what’s on your heart

8. Not assuming you can read each other’s mind

9. Being able to disagree and argue in a respectful way

10. Relationship decisions are discussed and made jointly

11. Sharing laughter and fun

12. Doing things you enjoy together

13. Supporting each other’s individual interests (whether you share those interest or not)

14. Being willing to give and take, to be flexible, and to compromise at times