life lately

I used to have a friend—she has three kids.

There was a time when I was unemployed, and most of my days were spent hanging out outside the house. She didn’t have work either, and neither did her husband. Somehow, we clicked—maybe because we found humor in our shared struggles of being jobless.

She wasn’t rich. Neither was I. But we had each other, and I’ve always loved being around kids. I’m good with them. She had three daughters, and her youngest was just around 8 or 9 months old at the time. I would often carry the baby—not just because I loved babies, but because I genuinely wanted to help. I’d take care of her bunso, let her sleep in our house, feed her.

We’d often invite them to eat with us—not out of pity, but because they started to feel like family. We’d even lend her money just so they could buy food, because there were days when they had nothing to eat. Walang trabaho, walang kita, walang makain.

Then I got a job. But nothing really changed in how we treated them. Sure, I had less time because of work, but we still made sure to check on them during meal times—ask if they’d eaten already, and if not, we’d either invite them over or send them food.

We also encouraged her to apply at a BPO. She didn’t have much confidence, but we did our best to push her. Eventually, she got a job too.

But as time passed, she started to distance herself. At first, it was understandable—we both had work. But eventually, she stopped acknowledging us completely.

Was it because she finally had money?

I still remember one thing she said during a fight she had with another person who once helped her:

“Hindi naman utang na loob yung mga tulong na binigay niyo, kasi kusa niyong binigay.”

I wasn’t even the one she said that to, but it stung.

She and my partner had a misunderstanding. My partner warned me about her attitude, but I’m a softy. I saw her like an older sister, so I still kept in touch. I’d lend her money again when she needed it. I’d give her food again when she had none—especially when she lost her job again.

Then she found work once more. And this time, when we needed help—simple things lang like asking for change or a small amount—she couldn’t be bothered.

Still, we gave her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she didn’t have extra.

When we transferred to a new company, we convinced her to apply too because we knew she needed the job. I even referred her. She almost missed her final interview because she didn’t have money for fare, so I booked her a motorcycle ride myself, just to make sure she’d make it.

At first, everything felt like the old days again. But soon after, we found out she had been talking behind our backs at work. We don’t even know if the stories were exaggerated or twisted. And again—just like before—she started ignoring us.

And today… she completely ignored me.

She can’t even pretend she didn’t see me—we were literally beside each other, facing each other.

It’s disappointing. After everything.

I didn’t expect anything in return.

This badminton game had been in the works for a while — a plan that started from a casual convo with Ate Jo. Ever since she mentioned it, we’d laugh every now and then, wondering if it would really push through or end up as another “drawing” plan. Just like most barkada ideas, it kept getting bumped off by spontaneous eat-outs and random bonding moments. But finally, it actually happened.

And I’m so glad it did.

It’s been more than 10… maybe even 15 years since I last held a racket seriously. I used to play, back when my body didn’t scream at me for running back and forth on the court. Life happened, priorities shifted, and slowly, that part of me faded into the background. I never really noticed how much I missed it until I stepped on the court again.

Sure, my smashes were off, my reflexes felt rusty, and my lungs almost gave up on me, but it felt so good. Not just physically, but mentally. It moved muscles that haven’t been active in years, and more than that, it released a kind of stress I didn’t even realize I was carrying.

Although, let’s be real, with my current eye grade, tracking the shuttle was already a challenge. Add to that the sweat dripping into my eyes… it was a full-on struggle. 😅

Laughing, catching my breath, teasing each other about missed shots. It was the kind of fun that fills you up. No pressure, no overthinking.. just a good game with good people.

And now, I want more of that.

TW: Self-harm, mental health struggles

Hindi ko alam paano ko sisimulan to nang hindi ako kinakabahan. Hindi ko rin alam kung may magbabasa ba nito o kung may makakaintindi. Pero sige, lalabanin ko na lang yung hiya, kasi baka ito na lang din yung paraan para kahit papaano… gumaan.

Lately, sobrang bigat. Hindi lang basta pagod. Hindi lang basta stress. Parang literal na binubuhat ko lahat ng sakit at pressure ng mundo sa dibdib ko. Kahit simpleng bagay, nakakadrain na. Kahit yung mga dati kong kinagigiliwan, parang wala na akong gana.

Ang dami kong kailangan isipin, lalo na expectations ng tao, sa pamilya, sarili kong pagtingin sa sarili ko. Tapos sa gabi, tahimik na lahat pero utak ko, gising pa rin. Ang ingay. Ang gulo.

At eto nanaman ako.

I hate to admit it pero parang bumabalik ako sa version ng sarili kong ayokong balikan. Yung ako na… nagsusugat. Hindi dahil gusto ko ng attention, pero kasi hindi ko na alam paano maglabas ng sakit. Yung physical pain, kahit papano, nakakapanlamig ng emosyon. Kahit ilang segundo lang… may peace.

Alam kong hindi ito tama. Hindi ito healthy. Pero yun nga yung nakakatakot—hindi ko na alam paano maging okay ulit. Kasi kahit ilang beses ko sabihin sa sarili ko na “kaya mo yan,” parang hindi na siya naniniwala.

There’s something strange about how a tattoo can heal you.

The needle hurts, yes — but it’s a pain you choose.

With each sting, it feels like the weight you’ve been carrying slowly lifts.

Stress, sadness, memories — they rise with every line, and somehow, they fade.

It’s not just about the art.

It’s about feeling something real.

It’s about taking control, even for a moment.

And when it’s done, you’re different.

There was a time when I told my parents everything—from the little things like what I ate for lunch at school, to the big things like who my crush was or how I did on a test. It was easy back then. I was a child, and their presence felt like a safe bubble. I never thought twice about opening up. They were my first home, my first comfort.

Even through high school and into college, I kept that habit. I’d come home and tell them about my professors, my friends, my problems. I believed in honesty, in transparency. I thought that’s what made relationships strong. And I trusted them enough to carry the weight of my small world.

But something changed.

Maybe it was the pressure of adulthood, maybe it was the way some of my truths were met—not with comfort, but with worry, judgment, or unintentional invalidation. Eventually, I started keeping things to myself. I didn’t even notice it at first. It began with skipping the small details, like why I was quiet at dinner, or why I suddenly lost interest in things I used to enjoy. Then I stopped sharing the bigger stuff—like my fears, my mistakes, the way my thoughts sometimes spiraled out of control.

It wasn’t because I didn’t trust them. It was because I felt uncomfortable. I became scared of their reactions. Not that they were harsh—just that their worry made me feel worse. I hated seeing the confusion in their eyes when they couldn’t understand what was wrong. I didn’t want to be the reason for their sadness. It started to trigger me. My mental health was fragile, and every conversation that was supposed to help started to feel heavy instead.

Still, I remember people telling me, “Don’t keep everything to yourself. We’re here. We want to know.”

So I tried.

I tried to open up again, little by little. A text here, a story there. But every time I did, I overthought everything—Did I say too much? Did I make them worry again? Should I have just kept it to myself?

Sometimes, I wished I didn’t know what was happening. I wished I could stay unaware, detached, numb. Because knowing—feeling—made everything so heavy. And even when I wanted to be strong and open and honest, the weight of it all made me want to hide again.

Finding a lump in your breast can be terrifying. When I was diagnosed with a breast cyst, I initially felt relieved knowing it wasn’t something more serious. But that relief was short-lived as the discomfort and anxiety started to take over me.

Every single day, I could feel it. That small, stubborn lump—always there, always reminding me that something wasn’t right. At first, it was just a mild discomfort, but over time, the pain became stronger. It wasn’t just a passing sensation; it was a deep, nagging pain that made it hard to focus on anything else.

Simple things like reaching for something, sleeping on my side, or even just existing in my own body became a challenge. The pain wasn’t just physical—it was mental and emotional, too.

As the pain worsened, my ability to focus at work started to fade. I found myself zoning out, and feeling like I was barely getting through the day.

Sleep was another battle. No matter how I adjusted my position, the ache would keep me up at night. The exhaustion built up, making my days even harder. I was caught in a cycle of pain, fatigue, and frustration.

The worst part wasn’t even the pain—it was the fear. I couldn’t stop myself from overthinking.

“What if this gets worse?”

“What if it turns into something dangerous?”

“What if I need surgery?”

Every little twinge of pain sent my mind spiraling into worst-case scenarios. I found myself constantly searching the internet for answers, but instead of reassurance, I only found more reasons to worry. The stress weighed me down, making me feel helpless and trapped in my own thoughts.

When my doctor advised me to get a mammogram, my first thought was, Do I really have to? I had already been dealing with the pain of a breast cyst, and the idea of having my already tender breast compressed between plates felt unbearable. Just watching how the procedure is done made me cringe.

Minsan, masaya ka naman. Totoo ‘yon. Alam mong okay ka, na may mga bagay sa buhay mong gumaganda, na may mga pangarap kang unti-unting tinutupad. Pero kahit anong pilit mong kumapit sa positivity, may mga araw na parang hinihila ka pa rin pabalik ng lahat ng bigat na dala mo—mga bagay na ayaw mong isipin pero hindi mo rin matakasan.

Ganito ‘yung pakiramdam ko ngayon. Gusto kong maging mas mabuti, gusto kong bumalik sa dating sigla, pero may mga araw na parang ayaw kumilos ng katawan ko. ‘Yung mga bagay na dati kong kinagigiliwan, ngayon, para bang nawalan ng kulay. Hindi ko alam kung dahil ba sa stress, sa anxiety, o sa health issues ko—mga bagay na hindi ko kontrolado pero pilit kong kinakaya. Minsan, okay lang ako. Minsan, parang hindi.

Nakakapagod ding maging stuck sa pagitan ng dalawang emosyon. Ang saya-saya mo, pero may lungkot at pagod na hindi maalis. Gusto mong gawin ‘to, pero parang ang hirap simulan. Alam mong dapat kang kumilos, pero bakit ang bigat?

Pero siguro, okay lang din. Siguro, hindi naman palaging kailangan nating pilitin ang sarili natin. Siguro, minsan, kailangan nating hayaan ang sarili nating huminga. Maging mabait sa sarili natin, kahit pa pakiramdam natin ay hindi tayo karapat-dapat sa pahinga.

Kasi kahit anong mangyari, kahit anong bigat ang dala natin, hindi tayo nag-iisa. Hindi man natin agad makita ang sagot sa lahat ng tanong natin ngayon, hindi ibig sabihin na hindi na natin sila mahahanap. Baka kailangan lang natin ng oras—at mas maraming araw na ipinagpapaubaya ang sarili natin sa buhay, kahit hindi natin ito laging naiintindihan.

Hindi ko alam kung paano ko ide-describe ’yung feeling ko ngayon. Naka-5 days na ako sa work, and so far, okay naman! Maayos ’yung environment, maganda ’yung work, and best of all—dayshift siya! After ilang taon na sanay akong panggabi, parang ang fresh lang ng feeling na nakakakita ako ng araw bago pumasok, hindi puro buwan at bituin.

Pero grabe rin ang bilis ng pacing! 2 weeks lang ang training—1 week lesson, then next week nesting na agad. Nakakagulat kasi ambilis ng buhos ng information. Parang isang bagsakan lahat ng lessons, tas next week apply na agad sa live calls and chat. Alam mo ’yung tipong hindi mo pa fully process ’yung ibang topic pero move on na to the next? Ganern! Kaya ngayon, kabado ako na ewan. 🙃

I don’t even know where to begin. January hit me with a PCOS diagnosis, and just when I was trying to process that, February decided to throw in a breast cyst. I feel completely out of my mind. I don’t know what to do, what to think—I’m just overwhelmed.

The anxiety is relentless. It creeps in, whispers worst-case scenarios, and triggers everything I’ve been trying to manage. I know I should take it one step at a time, but how do you do that when it feels like your own body is working against you?

And the worst part? I’m trying so hard to keep it together, to hide how I really feel because I don’t want to burden anyone. I don’t want to be the person who’s always struggling, always anxious. So I smile, I say “I’m fine,” and I keep going—even when I feel like I’m falling apart inside.

The past few months have been nothing short of a whirlwind for me. Life has thrown its fair share of challenges my way, and I’ll admit, it hasn’t been easy. Stress became a constant companion, and there were moments when it felt like the weight of everything was too much. But despite it all, I managed to hold on, knowing that brighter days would eventually come.

One of those brighter days came as the New Year approached. I had the chance to go back to the province and spend time with my family—a much-needed escape from the chaos. It felt grounding, being surrounded by their love, laughter, and the comforting familiarity of home. It reminded me of what truly matters.

Another highlight was getting to experience the Ati-Atihan Festival again. There’s something magical about being part of a tradition so vibrant and alive. The rhythm of the drums, the colorful costumes, the joy of the crowd—it all felt like a celebration not just of culture but of resilience and life itself. It was a moment where I could set aside my worries and just be present.

As I step into this new year, after everything I’ve been through, I’m hopeful that 2025 will be kinder, more freeing, and full of opportunities for growth and happiness. More than anything, I wish to find freedom for my heart—a chance to let go of whatever’s been holding me back and embrace the peace and joy I know I deserve.

“Bakit ang taba mo na?”

“Ang bilis mong pumayat”

“OA ka naman magkaron. Di naman ganyan kasakit yung cramps.”

Those and many more things.

—

Since I started getting my periods, I’ve been experiencing heavy cramps, and they’ve only gotten worse as I get older, especially over time. From having clear skin to developing a “connect-the-dots” face too.

Di ko na talaga alam kailan talaga siya nag develop kasi nuon pa man, grabe na cramps ko and regular ako magka period. As in no month na lumipas na hindi ako nagkaroon. Minsan nga nagdadasal pa ako na sana naging ireg nalang ako para kahit isang buwan manlang e hindi ako magkaron para hindi ko maranasan mag mens cramps. :<< that’s how bad it is.

Yan din reason bakit di ako nakakapasok minsan sa work. Swerte nalang if nataon sa RD. Pero most of the time, may pasok. Most of the time, di talaga kaya pumasok.

One time, nahihilo na talaga ako pero pinipilit ko lang. Syempre ako to e. Ayoko ng drama or atensyon na ganyan. Pangiti ngiti at pa gago gago pa ako sa office kahit padilim na paningin ko. Nag-clinic na rin ako para kumuha ng gamot, yun lang pag pasok ko that time, on-duty yung office doctor namin. So kinausap ako. Yun pa naman yung iniiwasan ko. Tapos sabi niya, “If the pain is not normal, I suggest to see an OB. That kind of pain really has something. Hindi ‘yan normal. Kaya please have yourself checked.” Syempre umoo oo lang din ako para narin makuha ko yung gamot and mainom na annnnnd makalabas narinnng clinic.

The next day, di ko na talaga kinaya. Sobrang lala nanaman ng cramps, nahihilo, ang lakas ng period and nagsusuka. Di na ako nakapasok. Hinahanapan akong medical certificate, e natatakot ako magpa check up. Kasi kahit ako sa sarili ko nag ooverthink narin kung anong meron.

Fast forward, nakailang check up ako and same lang sila ng sinasabi, magpacheck sa OB. Pag sa OB naman same ulit, TRANSV or Transrectal ultrasound. Sobrang dami pang tests na nadamay na yung asthma ko & need narin magpacheck sa heart & magpa counseling for anxienty.

Umuwi ako dito sa amin sa Aklan at dito na rin nagpa-check. And guess what, HELLO PCOS 🙃

I don’t know what to feel actually but wala e. Ayan na yan!

Dear E,

It's amazing how music and the presence of someone you admire can bring so much joy and help alleviate heavy feelings. Paulit ulit ko namang sinasabi 'to pero grabe impact mo sakin lalo sa mental health ko.

Your voice has the ability to transport me to a place full of joy and serenity. But it's not just your music that has touched me. Your genuine kindness and the way you connect with us is wonderful <3 You make us feel seen and valued.

Love loving you,

Lagi talaga nila sinasabi na ang saya saya ko daw na klaseng tao. Natutuwa ako pag sinasabihang ganon na nasasaktan at the same time para sa sarili ko. Natutuwa ako kasi atleast di nila naiisip na malungkot ako, na may bumabagabag sakin. Nalulungkot ako kasi naiisip ko na parang kawawa naman ako. Na di ko alam kung totoong masaya ba talaga ako o hindi. Alam niyo yun? Di ko ma explain. E yun yong ayaw ko yung may naaawa sakin, may nalulungkot ng dahil sakin.