Aetherically Imperfect

Warning: This is very, very long. No, I’m not cutting it. As this is my last post.

Firstly, before we begin, I would like to make it clear that this is going to purely be a defense against a set of bullies that has been hurting me for a few months, others, over a year. The first thing I want to do is define a bully, as I find defining the difference between a ‘bully’ and an ‘abuser’ is extremely important in this situation.

A bully is someone who uses their superior strength and/or status to harm another person or get them to do what they want.

In a situation of a bully, it's not about YOU, it's about THEM and what they want out of the end result. In this case, attention, and to hurt me. A bully doesn't have to be a mass predator to everyone they know, to bully one person. So in this case, no, they're not a predator, or abuser, they are a bully. My bully. And I'm here to stand against them. For years in school we're taught how to handle a bully and how to get them to leave you alone. This is my solution: exposure.

After a session with my therapist about this situation, it's become clear to me that using the word ‘abuse’ was a ‘in the heat of fear’ claim because of how much pain I was enduring. So much, that I was unable to see the red flags of a bully because I was seeking something I needed in a stranger, instead of a friend, family member, or loved one. For this, I apologize to everyone who had been tangled in this web of a friendship fallout, and to myself for falling victim to a standard manipulation bully.

With all this, lets begin.

The reason I'm making this post is to defend myself against a bold ‘call out’ post that has been made with large claims and very little evidence. In said post https://bluebell-bluebird.tumblr.com/post/178229712964/i-didnt-want-to-do-this my bully @bluebell-bluebird @original-conjuring-cat claims to be “getting ahead of the game” and “Still collecting receipts.” These are two massive red flags that they show openly how they they are selectively picking and choosing what ‘receipts’ to display to the public to manipulate and benefit their claims. This is a form of data and evidence manipulation that I am here to defend against and rectify the manipulated data with the full truth, and all pieces of the data that remain after the fallout.

The first piece I'm going to be correcting is the very piece they used to back their entire post. Our final conversation.

Full Images Here: https://imgur.com/a/uNvzJec

Here you can see she failed to include the full conversation. Here you can clearly see her accusing my in character actions of affecting her OOCly. This is clearly not the case, how a character acts in character should never be automatically assumed as out of character. I even attempt to defend my character as she knew since the very beginning the character at large here was protective and the jealous type. She was given FAIR AND CLEAR warnings against negative interactions in character. Yet she still assumes this is an out of character attack even as shown here I'm clearly not caring if there's an IC issue.

Cait also left out the fact that she began to pester me in a public linkshell we shared and accused me of these things in-game in front of several company mates. This made everyone in the linkshell and involved in this RP uncomfortable that she was taking IC into OOC and bleeding the lines of fiction and reality in front of everyone. I even had to AFK as she brought this to discord when I clearly and forwardly told her in game it was purely IC and I didn't want to take this out of character. Ultimately, I had to pull away from this RP with my friends because of how she made me feel guilty for role playing my character accurately.

Unfortunately this was her common approach to any issue or problem she with me about IC or OOC interactions, making me feel bad. Bringing it to lengths of calling me a horrible person, “what I do” is disgusting and that I'm awful. The berating and belittling was so often that I confessed to my lover that I was afraid these claims were real. That I was somehow this awful person she sculpted me to be and the breeder of the negativity despite her being the one to develop and present these issues to me every time.

The Private Server

As for the private roleplay server she mentions in her post, yes, it was real. Unfortunately it was also the breeding grounds for the negativity and ultimately the fallout of our friendship. Now since this is an honesty and stand-up post I will be truthful and honest. I did say dark things in that server, things that scared me, confessed my mental problems and opened up and poured my heart out about everything that hurt me and scared me. This server was the host for all my mental shutdowns that Cait would coax me into by using this belittling and condescending language on me. Bullying me to believe her.

As I hate to admit it, the server was indeed deleted. I was prepared to accept the fallout in our friendship and move on as an adult and I'm sorry to admit those plans have been hindered by her immaturely plaguing the community with yet another call out post. My opinion is this is just a friendship fallout and she wants the attention and spotlight for it, but with a lack of real evidence, I find it extremely disrespectful to the people who need the attention because they're being sexually harassed or abused online.

This never needed to go public, and definitely didn't need to be made out to look like an abuser and victim situation when it was an argument between falling friendship.

Cait was very clever in her manipulative behavior to bully me. The extreme levels of two-face she'd show me was enough to give me whiplash and question what was real and what was in my head. Acting kind and friendly in public but hurting me and inflating my flaws privately. This is a form of mental bullying. She used me as a punching bag for her own stresses and problems in her life that didn't involve me. Cait would often delete her traces of bullying me or would perform these acts in places such as ingame or on the server that the logs would ultimately be deleted. Especially after I would log out or step away from my desk in tears from this bullying.

There was one time she slipped, and bullied me in her Free Companies server. I was politely asking if I could help with a role play event and offering friendly advice. What I was met with was hostility and aggression in a backlash to keep my hands off her FC and she'll run it the way she wanted to and that I had no business in their companies business.

Yes, I didn't have business in there, but as a friend I wanted to offer my help to run a massive event that would need more than one pair of hands to host.

This moment was extreme enough that a fellow member sent a simple “Oi” during her attack to halt it. Gratefully that was enough for her to realize what she'd done. I was left hurt and simply stopped talking in said server after this event. The member that stopped the situation and messaged me to ask if I was okay.

Full Image Here: https://imgur.com/a/g7GXiDw

Later, I was unpleasantly greeted with an empty apology message from Cait in our private server. The message lacked a real apology and gave nothing but excuses for her behavior such as “I'm cranky today” and “I haven't had my coffee yet” sure, we have our bad days, but this doesn't excuse the times before this and the aggression in this moment. At the time I accepted this excuse-riddled apology as I was still hopeful we could get over this bump in our friendship and continue forward.

But then the pseudo-con situation became present to me…

Now, I’m not the kind of person to shame on what people roleplay in their private channels and roleplays. I’ve seen worse on the internet, but when you present a roleplay to me as “convinced to have sex with money and persuasion” that sounds a lot like pseudo-con to me.

Pseudo con is when two people actively RP a situation in which a character is blackmailed or persuaded to have sex, when they initially did not want to. 

Yes, this is a form of rape, and I stated very clearly to Nara when it was talked about to me that I was not comfortable hearing about it. This made me extremely cautious about the person that they role played this with: 

LumiZumi, ie. Vahn’li, Jihn’a, however else they go by online.

Now, when I announced my discomforts, they were promptly ignored. This became an extremely hefty issue in the Lions Performance voice discord with LumiZumi brought up the topic of Jihn’a during a performance night.

This, extremely infuriated me that such a topic I knew was triggering, was brought up in a professional setting. Did I react harshly? Of course, a pseudo-con RP was being referenced to and discussed during professional hours of a roleplay event in front of many of my Lions and members and guests. This was uncalled for as I voiced up against this topic being brought into such a public place. Keep your kinks in the bedroom and in private chats, not a professional performance voice call. The entire situation made countless of my members upset and uncomfortable.

This, is when Lumi decided to take nothing but assumptions and self-created situations, to attack me with aggressive language and hateful assumptions purely out of spite and rage from the calling out in a vocal chat.

Now, I have never spoken to Lumi 1-1 before, the first time I had eve spoken to them was in a party chat for roleplay with Nara there. They were friendly, and so was I, and I apologized in advance for my character being upset.

Now this is where Nara and Lumi favor the activity of IC/OOC bleeding. 

I warn people before I roleplay with them about A’zrael Viloh and his tendencies to sleep around, abuse drugs and alcohol, be a jerk, and kindle argument. I openly apologize for his actions and will often remind people that his actions and opinions do not reflect my own in any way.

Nara and Lumi found pleasure in taking A’zrael’s or Lynn’s in-character actions and using them to formulate arguments in the future.

As for discord? No, I never harassed Lumi once, nor even spoke to them on any level but professional proven there. This segment of Nara’s post was a well-spun lie to give her post a spine.

Full Images Here: https://imgur.com/a/Cp7LnuY

Now here, you can see that Lumi’s entire aggressive attack on me was responded to calmly, with clear explanations and recognizing problems. There’s even apologies as I attempted to clear the situation that Lumi had developed in their own head. Most of the items presented to me here where assumptions, and assuming makes an ass out of u and me as they say.

With the LumiZumi situation brought to the table and the relentless aggression I endured even though I didn’t know this person, I have another claim to clear up.

Erotica Role Play

ERP. Most people do it and if they don’t, I’m extremely respectful of this situation. I gladly fade to black, or accept that I can’t get to saucy with my posts. Anytime ERP with a new person arises I ask very early into the RP if it’s okay, if they’re comfortable, if they do get uncomfortable to tell me if they are and we’ll stop. Ect. And I have many, many, any witnesses who can attest to that. I never pressure ERP, as I myself was forced to ERP with my IRL ex despite me not wanting to, then would recieve hours or face-to-face arguing because of just that. So why would I put someone through a situation like that?

This person who has the gut to step forward and lie through their teeth about me pressuring them. Firstly, they came to me first, secondly, they never, in any of our logs, state they were uncomfortable. I even respectfully faded to black upon their request, and after said roleplays 

they would coo happily about how their character had a massive crush on mine.

I was okay with this as their interaction were tender and sweet and the person behind said character was considered a friend to me. I enjoyed talked to them on any platform, and it’s unfortunate to know their real face is a liar who enjoys spinning more strings of an already cluttered web of medicated information and “selective evidence”

Full Images Here: https://imgur.com/a/dr35xxr

Now, here, you can see with clear evidence that I never once pressured the roleplay. They asked once if I would like to continued, and I said yes, I would love to. They did not protest after, and since I am unfortunately not a mind-reader, did not know if they were or were not uncomfortable. Though, even after, you can see there are still discussions. They were never uncomfortable, and if they where, they did not tell me. They had absolutely no screenshots in their addition to the post. Simply backing the idea they lied through their teeth to jump into the drama-wagon that’s going straight for hell at this point. 

This section of my defense post clarifies that people will gladly jump onto an argument just for the fun of having more drama, more arguing, and more fake, medicated evidence to destroy someone emotionally.

This is where things get emotional

I hate to see so many people actively ready to destroy someone’s life because they didn’t get their way. To childishly lash out and rely on drama-active people to back their words. Relying on people, who had an issue OVER A YEAR AGO over a relationship, to back their claims now.

People want the truth? Yes or no, here’s the truth.

I’ve had issues over the past year, yes. Does that make anything I did okay? No… but does that also make it okay for people to cyberbully me and hurt me, make me want to kill myself over an online game, an online roleplay? No, absolutely not.

I was getting better, healthier at one point, I had a better understanding of my personal red flags, and my own spiral symptoms. Until Cait decided to manipulate me to snapping points where I actively attempted to push everyone out of my lives.

I know personally it’s all said and done and that won't change, but I am seeking therapy. Her name is Katherine and she’s in the Northern Syracuse area and she’s the sweetest, kindest person I’ve ever met in my entire life. I’ve told her about my mental degeneration over the past two years, my abuses online and offline, my family, my pain, my suffering. I cried to her about my terror of becoming someone I’m not, losing my grip on the world and becoming something I don’t want to be.

I was diagnosed with social PTSD, severe activated depression, personal reflection style anxiety (never feeling good enough, never praising yourself, never loving yourself). I was told I have a self-hatred complex, and that I actively seek ways to push people I love away from me in fear that I’m not worthy of them, that I don’t deserve them.

Has this perhaps been the root of my scattered issues on and off for the past two years? Perhaps, but it’s diagnosed, a professional see’s my pain, my suffering, she sees that I have so much agony built up inside of me, that I need help. I am getting help, and I can’t wait to feel happy again.

In conclusion

In the end, I’m done. I’ve made mistakes and people want to cut my throat for it, if I don’t do it myself before they can. Which there’s been close calls. By the final battle call, I have friends who know me for who I am, not what other people point fingers at me for. They see me actively begging for help for my mental problems and the tears I cry. I holler in agony because of how much I hate myself and I have to be cradled and reminded that I’m a human being, and not a monster, because of these abuses, these bullies, the pain I've endured offline as well.

When push comes to shove, the people who matter the most to me, are with me, and there here to help me get through my past, through my mistakes, and aim to encourage me for therapy, for my doctors. They praise me when I can’t, and pick me up when I’m defeated. People I’ve known for years and year that I’ve cried on endless times. Those are the people who matter at the end of this senseless, insanity of “digital war.”

Cyberbullying.

Don’t be a cyberbully, 

don’t be any kind of bully, don’t attack someone when you know they’re actively getting help, and warn you about themselves beforehand. You had the warning, they actively told you they’re not okay. You could have stepped away. But did you? No, you hurt them, you actively made their illnesses worse, and scarred them further, and hurt them. Who's the real bully here? Who’s the real monster here? When you knew, word for word what that person was suffering through and you STILL bullied them?

In The End

Against, I repeat the beginning of this post. I am standing up against my bullies, 

whose manipulated their arguments, medicated their evidence, seeked out year-old friend disputes that were caused by jealousy and an issue that didn’t even actively involve me.

 I was told one thing, they were told another. Though, of course, they saw a chance to destroy the person they were jealous of, and actively took any medicated and treated evidence they could, to pick and choose what they would and wouldn’t show. Only choosing the select situations that where against that person, and never anything they said, never anything they hurt this person with.

Don’t be that person, don’t manipulate others. Don’t hurt someone who openly tells you they have mental problems at the start of your relationship together. Don’t do it, don’t be a bully, don’t be an abuser or manipulator. Just don’t.

This world is already full of enough pain, suffering, and agony. Instead of lashing out and hurting them, ask yourself. “Who hurt them?” “Are they hurt?” “Did someone abuse them?” “Is this an act of pushing others away?”

Yes, some people out there are real offenders of abuse, and for that, they deserve to be exposed. Though someone whose actively warning people that they have these terrible mental conditions? Are they truly deserving of years of agony you put them through?

People are not perfect, and for that I will not actively fault the people involved in this dispute. People have their fair share of arguments, and sometimes you don’t click anymore. It happens, jealousy, hatred, someone saying something you didn’t agree with. The world is sensitive, and for the people who have problems, that’s their biggest downfall.

My final words are, please look out for cyberbullies, and when you are being bullied, use the correct term. If they’re using their superior knowledge, education, position, or strength to actively manipulate you, harm you, make you feel bad about yourself, manipulate your mental illnesses, and / or are making you feel worthless, like you should die. You’re being bullied.

I’m leaving, from this community, from this toxic, drama riddled area of the world. 

They can take it as a win, or a hit. Personally, I’m not arguing anymore. I made one post with the full evidence, nothing was medicated minute leaving out names. Because me? I don’t publicly insult and slander people. I leave names anonymous unless they attack me publicly first.

With this, I hope someone out there, someone anywhere cares, and see’s the truth that someone in this community didn’t get what they wanted. Several people, in this community, didn’t get their way, and broke someone down to leaving. Chases them away from an entire community, and from actively being a member of the community of a VIDEO GAME because of this.

And with that, i say my goodbye. Be kind to each other, care for one another. IF you’re being bullied, speak up. It doesn’t matter if you have one, fourteen, twenty or a hundred bullies. Don’t be bullied, speak up, make a post, tell the truth. Someone will believe you, someone will notice the pain. Just, stop hurting each other.