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“Lemme look atchu, Ryan,” I said, pulling my head back to look at him. God damn that kid looked like his Daddy. Had your eyes though. “Jeez, you’re so big. You gonna be drivin’ a car soon I reckon.” I squinted my eyes at him. “You been workin’ out? Is that it? Been bulkin’ up?”

Ryan giggled and shook his head. I put him down, and got low again.

“Yeah ya have,” I teased. “Show me them guns.”

Ryan lifted his arms bending at the elbow, I copied him and he growled as he flexed, veins popping out in his neck. Trying to keep my laugh in I growled back at him, tightening my muscles. He lowered his arms and brought his fists close together in front of his belly.

“Whoa!” I said, reaching out to give his little skin and bones arms a squeeze. “I better put those away, Ryan. Ya scarin’ me.”

He laughed again and kept growling as a hand ruffled his hair.

“He’s been talking nonstop about seeing you since I told him we were coming,” you said.

I almost couldn’t look at you. I pulled my sunglasses down over my eyes and stood. I kept my gaze on Ryan. “I missed ya too li’l man.”

“Didja buy me a present?”

I laughed as you chastised him. I finally looked at you, and took an unsteady breath. God damn, you were so beautiful, to perfectly good. I felt like I had to go have a shower or something just be good enough to talk to you.

“He’s fine Darlin’, I did get ‘im somethin’,” I said.

“You did?” Ryan exclaimed.

“Yeah, it’s inside under the tree. Ask ya Aunt Caroline to get it for ya.”

He ran off with a squeal, you turned to watch him but my eyes couldn’t help but look you over. You looked amazing in your tight jeans and sweater, hugging you in all the right places. My body went into overdrive just as my mind went dumb.

You turned back to me but couldn’t meet my eyes. I clenched my jaw, you shouldn’t be the one who’s ashamed. I had hoped that after we had talked those few times you would have been ok to see me again. That night was all me, all my fault. I wanted to apologise again, I would if I thought it would do any good. I had to say something, I couldn’t let this awkwardness go on or we’d never get past it.

“You look well,” I said. My voice was a little more hoarse than I would have liked, but you didn’t seem to notice.

“You do too,” you said. You peeked shyly at me, fidgeting a little with the sleeves on your sweater. “It’s good to see you.”

With relief I let out a breath. Maybe it would be ok. “You too, Darlin’.”

You took half a step toward me, an awkward, hesitant step. I did the same and wrapped my arms around your shoulders as yours slid around my waist. As soon as I made contact with you my body ached. I wanted to hold you to me, press my nose into your neck and smell you, feel your skin warm against mine. But your body was stiff, like you didn’t want to actually hug me, and I felt cold.

Clearing my throat, I let you go. That was ok, I would just talk to you. We could still do that right? I hadn’t ruined that had I? Maybe I had. Maybe all I could hope for now was polite small talk and the superficial conversations you had given me since that night.

Alright, I’ll go back to basics, I’ll start again. Maybe one day you’ll trust me enough, to let me back into your life once more.

“So, uh, how’s Ryan goin’?”

You smiled like you always do. You’re so proud of your boy. “Good. Be prepared for him to ask you to take him camping again.”

“You want me to take him?” I asked, wondering if my being forced out of her life meant I was out of Ryan’s too.

“You don’t have to,” you said. “My brothers older now, he’s been spending time with him.”

I sucked my lip into my mouth as I considered your words. They stung, a lot.

“I want to take him, Darlin’. I like the damn kid.” You smiled at me and like a damn fool I couldn’t leave it at that. “I made a promise to his Daddy and I intend to keep it.”

Your face darkened and I knew I’d fucked up. “Christ, Sy,” you said.

“Darlin’…” I put my arm out to you, but you turned your back on me and walked away. “Fuck.” I looked around to see if anyone noticed the exchange, but no one seemed to be paying us any mind. I picked my beer up and shook my head. This was going to be a long night.

I kept my eyes on you all evening. Even when I had to take my sunglasses off, I didn’t stop looking at you. I gave you your space though. I didn’t try and talk to you again, though I wanted to. I wanted to explain, tell you that I was sorry. That I’d never try that again, but you seemed to have made your mind up and things couldn’t go back to how they were, how they had been before I was deployed, before that night.

It was getting close to midnight. I’d leave as soon as the clock ticked over, let you have some fun without having to look over your shoulder at me staring at you the whole time. I made sure not to drink too much so I could drive. And so there wasn’t a repeat of that night.

To say I was shocked when you came and sat next to me was an understatement. I would have been less surprised to see the Queen of England walk through the door, naked, and chugging a beer bong.

You didn’t say anything for the longest time, you just sat there looking straight ahead, and I could almost see the wheels turning in your head. It was making me nervous, I wanted to tell you just to either yell at me, hit me, or go away. But I sat there because I owed you, you deserved to be heard out.

“I wasn’t upset that you kissed me, Sy.”

I damn near fell out of my chair.

Then you actually laughed, not a laugh of happiness, but of bitterness and that was somehow much worse. “If I’m honest, I’d wanted you to kiss me for a couple of years.”

I wanted to jump out of my chair, I fucking knew it. I knew there was something between us. God fucking damn it. Even that night, drunk as I was, (and I remembered more of that night than I cared to,) I could have sworn for a few seconds you had kissed me back.

“It just really hurt that you came to me like you did.”

“I get that,” I said softly. “You’re right, you didn’t deserve that.” No woman deserved what I did. Showing up at your place unannounced, drunk as a fucking skunk, horny, and scared out of my mind about going on another deployment, I was a fucking mess. You should have kicked me out the minute I made the first pass at you.

“Did you mean what you said?” Your voice was so small, so hesitant, but also hopeful.

“Yes,” I said without hesitation. “I meant every damn word.”

“Do you still want that?” Why were you so scared? Did you really not know? Did you really think I only said those things to cause I was drunk and trying to get into your pants?

“Yes.” I tried to look you in the eyes so there was no mistake, so you knew I was telling you the truth, but you barely looked at me. “More than ever.”

You were quiet again. The kids were starting to get excited, and sparklers were being handed out. I checked my watch, it was only a minute until midnight.

You stood, and I stood too. You closed the distance between us. “I know it’s been nearly five years since Ryan died, but I still miss him.”

“I know,” I said, trying to keep the hope out of my voice. “I ain’t tryin’ to replace him. I just want to be there for you, Darlin’. For both of you. I won’t try anythin’ like that again. Not unless you ask me to.” I was babbling. I should shut up.

“I missed you just as much.” You were looking at the kids, watching them laughing and squealing with anticipation. “This year was awful. I don’t want to go through that again.”

My fingers actually shook as I put my hand to your cheek and turned your face to mine. “What are you sayin’, Baby?”

The countdown started, kids and adults alike shouted the numbers at the top of their lungs, but as far as I was concerned there was nothing in the world except you. You lifted your eyes to mine, finally letting me see you. My heart cramped, it hurt seeing the pain in your eyes.

“Baby, what is it? Tell me,” I implored.

“Kiss me, Sy,” you whispered so softly I could have sworn I imagined it, until your hands rested on my chest.

I lifted my other hand to your neck and licked my lips. I watched you do the same, and you closed your eyes. My nose bumped into yours and for a moment I stayed there, waiting, sure you were going to push me away. But you didn’t and I pressed my lips against yours.

With my hand on your neck, I felt you whimper. God that was the hottest thing and I instantly felt my cock kick in my pants. Barely keeping control, my lips stroked yours as yours caressed mine.

I pulled away slightly, keeping my head close to yours. I didn’t want to, but I had to, I wouldn’t make the mistake of going too quickly. I was gonna take this slow, though it would damn near kill me, I was gonna treat you right. The party was singing, couples were kissing, and the kids were writing words in the night air with their sparklers. Maybe it would be okay. We could start fresh, a clean slate, maybe this could be a new beginning.

“Happy New Year, Baby,” I whispered, not caring at all about how out of breath I was.

“She left”.

“Your mum?”

“Yeah”. Sy paused. “Text message”

“What did she say?” You reached for his hand. “I mean, you don’t have to …”

Sy cut you off by showing you his phone. Her message was there for you to see. It simply read .. “Catching an afternoon flight to France”. No I’m sorry, can we talk? I apologize .. nothing.

“Oh”. You breathed out deeply.

“She’s far too stubborn to try to make peace”.

“Well that’s her decision Sy. But she’ll need to work hard if she ever wants to see Elliot”. You paused. “I will not have her being involved in his life without addressing her mistakes and trying to be a better human being”.

“You sure of his name love?” Sy smiled at you.

“Of course! Are you?”

“Course”. Sy cupped your face. “Love I really am sorry. For my mother .. and the way you found out about my past”.

“Sy we’ve spoken about all this..”

“I know but it’s been over a week and I feel like we’ve gone backwards instead of forwards”. Sy ran his hand over his head. “Now I take responsibility but I can’t help but feel like you’re moving away from me”.

“Moving away?” You studied Sy’s face. “What do you mean? I’m right here! I guess it was just a lot to take in ..”

“I mean physically Sugar. I’m trying, really trying but .. I feel like you have a wall up”. Sy glanced at you. “Now it’s ok if you don’t want to be intimate .. but even when I hug you I feel it”.

“Hey”. You rubbed Sy’s knee. “I just needed some time. It was a lot to deal with at once Sy. But I love you and of course I want to be intimate again! I just .. needed to work stuff out in my head”.

“Yeah?” Sy cocked his eyebrow at you.

“Yeah you silly man”. You leaned in to kiss his lips. “We’re learning at this relationship thing as we go”.

“Love you sugar. You and little Elliot here”. Sy rubbed your stomach softly. “You still ok to do dinner with Amanda and Corey tonight?”

“Of course. I have a new dress”. You smiled at Sy. “And matching lingerie”.

“You done teasing me?”

“No”. You smirked at him before he ticked your side.

A few hours later and you were enjoying dinner overlooking the ocean with Sy and your two good friends. It was nice to just laugh, eat and not worry about all the drama that had consumed you recently. You felt Sy’s hand on your thigh and smiled at him. Every time you stealed a glance his way you felt your heart beat rapidly. He wore a tight fitting white t shirt that made his arms look huge and slim fit jeans. He was every woman’s fantasy and you knew it. You were glad that you wore your new navy blue lace dress that was stretchy enough to show off your bump and highlight your curves. You could tell that Sy liked it by the way that his mouth dropped open when you’d first walked out of your bedroom and he caught sight of you.

“I really like the name Elliot”. Amanda smiled before taking a drink of her wine. “It’s cute. Remember that movie Billy Elliot?”

“The boy who was like a ballet dancer?” Corey punched Sy playfully on the arm. “Sy’s favourite movie!”

“Ballet dancer? What the fuck?” Sy rolled his eyes.

“Hey! What’s wrong with boys dancing?” You raised your eyebrow at Sy.

“Nothing wrong with it I guess but … just not for our boy”.

You smirked as Sy shifted uncomfortably in his chair. He was such an alpha male.

“So you’re saying you’d be upset if he wanted to dance?”

“Well I’d ..” Sy studied your face. “It wouldn’t be my first choice now would it!”

“I’m going to call him Billy Elliot”. Amanda laughed. “Just to get on your nerves Sy”.

“Like hell you will!” Sy’s fingers played with his beard. You knew he was getting wound up so you leaned closer to kiss his shoulder.

“Calm down Captain” You watched as his eyes darted to yours as you leaned in towards his ear. “Or you won’t get lucky tonight”.

That did it. Sy’s hand gripped your thigh tighter as he shifted uncomfortably in his seat. You smiled at him as dessert was served and your mouth watered at the slice of lemon meringue pie in front of you. Deciding to tease Sy, you bought the dessert to your lips and moaned.

“God this is so good”.

You were grateful that Corey was too involved in his mud cake and Amanda was busy capturing Instagram worthy photos of her pavlova to notice.

You glanced at Sy and made a show of pulling the fork languidly through your lips. You watched as his eyes were on you as you moaned again.

“So good!”

But just as you thought you had this game down pat, you felt Sy’s hand inch all the way up in between your legs. In one quick motion, your flimsy lace underwear was pushed aside and his finger took a swipe of your wetness.

Your mouth hung open in shock as he smoothly moved his hand out from under the table and bought his finger to his mouth.

“You’re right Sugar. This is the best pie I’ve ever tasted”. Sy winked at you as he pulled out his finger with a pop then proceeded to devour his own pie. “So fucking good”.

Your face burned and you pussy clenched. Darn that man!

By the time you got home you were sex crazed. Your hormones were through the roof and Sy was more than willing to accommodate. It had been a week since your encounter with his mother, and although things were good between you, it had been an emotional rollercoaster and you’d held off having sex until you were ready.

You stumbed into your bedroom, lips attached and didn’t make it far. Your dress was hitched up, underwear at your ankles while you suddenly had your palms flat on the bed as you stood bent over. You turned around to watch as Sy smirked at you before spitting into his hand and jerking himself a few times. The very sight had you tremble. You found this side of him - raw, uninhibited, dirty .. such a turn on. You chewed on your bottom lip and watched as he did it again, this time bringing his hand between your legs to get you ready for him. You felt his spit, mixed with your own lubricant before he slipped two thick fingers into you. You rocked against his palm as your face burned upon hearing the words spill from his mouth.

“This is the entree Sugar”. Sy breathed against your ear. “Getting this pretty pussy ready for my cock yeah? Im so fucking hard for you baby. Need you so bad. Can’t believe it’s been a week since I’ve had you”.

“Fuck”. You cursed as you felt him rub his cock up and down your slit before he pushed inside you. “Yes! Oh god Sy!”

You looked over your shoulder as Sy lent back, watching himself move in and out of you. He had a hand on your lower back as his eyes stayed fixated on where you were joined.

“Move your legs open”. He didn’t ask, it was almost an order. “Lemme see. Oh fuck .. yeah baby. Love watching this. Have no idea how your little pussy takes me. Look at that .. fucking hell”.

You trembled. You’d been crossing your legs all the way home in the car. You were so close to orgasming and he’d barely pushed inside you a few times. You gripped the sheets as you came hard and cried out his name.

“Fuck!”.Sy swore as he felt your walls clamp down hard on him. He stopped thrusting for a moment as the sensation was too intense. His hands gripped your hips as he struggled not to finish right away.

“Sy”. You moaned as you lent back, hand pushing at his stomach. The sensation was too much. “I can’t ..”

“Yeah you can”. Sy pushed your hand back down to the mattress as he lent over your body. His mouth kissed the skin below your ear. “Gimme that pussy baby. Be a good girl for me. Can’t believe you were teasing me back at the restaurant”.

“Sy!”

“Good girl honey. That’s it, you can take me huh? Gonna make you feel so good if you just gimme this pussy”.

“Sy!!” You loved hearing him praise you. The man knew how to read your body and he knew exactly what to do to make you come. Sex with Sy was always like a rollercoaster. He seemed to go from making love to fucking so quickly, but then while he was pounding you into oblivion he would sometimes slow down and build you back up gently.

Right now you were being fucked and as he grabbed your ponytail with one hand, his other hand gripping your hip, you had no choice but to surrender. Still, in the midst of it all he’d always utter ..

“You ok sugar? Baby ok? You tell me if I’m too rough won’t ya?”

And you’d always nod before he’d resume his movements. Right now the bed was shaking, literally shaking, as he took what he was clearly wanting all night. His hands were suddenly at your breasts, pulling your dress and your bra cups down. His large hands covered them as he muttered a string of profanities behind you.

“Watch”. Sy’s voice caused you to lookup and a heat radiated across your chest when you realised you were looking at your reflection in the mirror. Even pregnant, you felt tiny compared to the beast of a man behind you. “Watch me fuck you”. You stared for a moment as he continued to thrust into you from behind. With every snap of his hips he’d let out a huff and the sight of him in this moment was the sexiest thing you’d seen in a long time.

“Sy oh god!”

His hands were groping your breasts as they glistened with a small amount of milk that had leaked out. His eyes were fixated there and you knew it was a huge turn on for him. You’d discovered his kink a few weeks ago, and since then Sy was unstoppable when it came to your breasts.

“You going to come again huh? Need to feel you come on my cock. Fuck ..” Sy emphasized every work with a thrust of his hips. “Come. On. My. Cock”.

“Sy!!” You screamed as you came undone for the second time. Suddenly Sy pulled one of your legs up onto the bed as he towered over you. He was grunting loudly and all you could hear was the sound of skin slapping against skin as he chased his release.

“I’m gonna fucking come in your pussy”. He almost moaned as he unloaded inside of you. His hips continued to thrust as he came in short spurts.

You were shaking as he pulled out and kissed your neck then along your spine. It was intense and every single feeling was heightened due to your pregnancy. Sy’s hands pulled at your shoulders until you turned around to face him. His lips were on your neck as he whispered praises to you. This side of him was in complete contrast to how he was just moments ago, but you secretly loved it. How this man could go so soft and gentle in a heartbeat.

“Sy”. You knew where his mouth was headed. Because he’d taken you from behind, he’d missed out on his newest kink. “Oh Sy”. He bent down, not caring that both of you were a sweaty mess, as his mouth sucked on your breast.

“Fuck”. He muttered against your skin as he sucked. You looked down and the image of Sy literally nursing from you burned into your brain. You moaned, it felt good and he continued as his fingers rubbed circles on your sensitive clit. You watched as his hand fisted his semi hard cock.

“Can’t”. You whispered hoping he’d realize you couldn’t come again. After awhile his fingers stopped as he sucked your other breast. You kneeded your fingers through his hair and let him have his way with you. After a few minutes he started trailing kisses in between your breasts and you pulled his head up to meet your gaze.

“You know they won’t be yours for long”.

“Mmmm”. Sy smirked at you as he straightened up. “Not so sure I want to share”.

“I don’t know whether to be mortified or turned on”.

“You know you secretly like it”. Sy kissed up your neck. “You’re so fucking sexy”.

“So are you”.

“I wasn’t too rough love?”. Sy studied your face. “My boy ok?”

“Mmmm”. You rested your head on Sy’s chest. “We’re ok Sy. I’m just so tired all of a sudden. You wore me out”.

“I wore you out?” Sy laughed. “I did all the work woman!”

“I’m carrying your baby. I literally can’t do any of the work!” You rolled your eyes. “I wanted to go down on you but the very thought of having to get back up off my knees put me off!”

“I don’t need that Sugar”. Sy kissed your lips firmly. “Let’s go get cleaned up huh?”

You let Sy shower you. He washed every inch of your body and it felt so good to have him take care of you this way. You felt yourself blush when he soaped up your legs to run the razor over them. You tried protesting but he wouldn’t give in. This was how he was .. a bit of a cave man at heart who took great care of his woman after sex.

Later you were cuddling with him on the lounge taking a sip of the hot chocolate that he made you. You were smiling to your self as you snuggled in close to him, thinking how happy you were that you had communicated with him and that he’d started to open up with you. You shifted slightly when you felt an unusual twinge in your belly.

“You right Sugar?” Sy glanced at you while he held the remote to the TV.

“Not sure. I felt a pain here”. You pointed to the spot and Sy dropped the remote.

“Where?” Sy’s hand moved under your top to carress your skin. “What kind of pain?”

“Like .. a dull pain. I think it’s gone though”.

“We should get you checked out .. fuck”. Sy rubbed at his temples. “You think before …maybe I was too rough with you?”

“Sy stop! I’m ok! I just felt it for a moment”.

“Maybe we shouldn’t have … I don’t want to hurt you”.

“Sy!” You grabbed his face. “The OB said sex was fine! Please stop or I won’t tell you things”.

“Maybe I pushed against your cervix? Maybe I ..”

“You always push against my bloody cervix Sy! You’re a big guy” you rolled your eyes. “That wouldn’t be anything new trust me”.

“Why didn’t you tell me!!” Sy’s shocked expression almost made you want to laugh.

“Are you serious?” You searched his face. “Oh you are .. Sy you know you’re big right? And I’m small in comparison. So yeah sex with you is mind blowing after awhile but I have to get used to you every time. That’s just normal!”

“You’ve never said that you’ve been uncomfortable”. Sy searched your face.

“Because I adjust to you! It just takes a few seconds! But yeah sometimes when you’re .., you know .. going for it, you press up deep inside me. But that’s ok because I like it”. You paused knowing he was concerned. “Girls haven’t told this before?”

“Probably, but I wasn’t the same person I am now. Doubt I would’ve listened”.

“You were just wham bam thank you mam?” You rolled your eyes.

“Well …” Sy’s eyes avoided yours. Your hand reached up to cup his cheek.

“I was kidding Sy! Besides, even if you were you’re not that way with me. And enough of this ok? I’m fine, baby is fine”.

“You sure? Maybe we should get you checked out?”

“Sy it’s gone. I’m bound to feel things though! The baby is growing and so is my body. It’s all normal”. You paused. “I promise I’ll tell you if anything’s wrong ok?”

“Ok love”. Sy smiled at you. “I just don’t want to hurt you”.

“I love you”. You smiled softly. “You’ve never hurt me Sy”.

“I love you too”. Sy paused. “Hey I have an idea, but only if you’re up to it?”

“I’m not an invalid Sy!” You rolled your eyes. “What’s your idea?”

“Do you want to go for a drive? I want to show you something”. Sy paused. “Well I was going to wait until tomorrow but what the hell! And you’ll get to see the view at night”.

“Show me what? I’m in my pajamas”. You pointed to your silly cat pajamas that you loved.

“That’s ok love. You can even wear those ridiculous slippers”.

“These?” You held up your foot and laughed at Sy. He hated your fluffy pink slippers. “Ok well if I can keep them on why not? Let’s go handsome”. You smiled as Sy got up first then pulled you up. His hands rubbed on the sides of your stomach.

“I love feeling him move inside you”.

“I know you do”. You smiled. “He’s going to have the best Daddy”.

“You think?” Sy’s eyes searched yours. You could see the apprehension on his face.

“I know”. You paused. “He’s going to be so loved Sy. And everything you missed with your father you can give back to your son”. You watched as Sy swallowed, no words came out of his mouth but he nodded slowly.

“You got that right sugar”.

“He’s going to love you so much Sy”. You smiled as your hand cupped his cheek. He moved to kiss your palm. “So you going to take me somewhere Captain?”

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You sigh, and fidget, dancing from foot to foot, pulling at your low cut, black satin top and drawing your faux fur lined coat closed.

“Shit,” you utter under your breath. Caroline must have gone out. You’re about to hang up when you hear the click and thunk of the line successfully connecting.

Music and voices burst from the receiver and you jerk your head away from the speaker.

“Hello,” you say cautiously, worried you may have dialled the wrong number in your numb stupor. “Caroline?”

“Hello?” says the voice. You exhale a held breath with relief as you recognise Caroline's voice. At least you had called the right number. “Hello, I can barely hear you.”

Even though it’s uncomfortable, you press the speaker to your ear and cup the receiver around your hand and speak loudly, looking around cautiously at the other people using the bank of telephones.

“Caroline. It’s me!” you say loudly, just shy of shouting.

“Hang on, I’ll grab the other line in my bedroom.” 

It takes Caroline a few moments and you dig into your purse, pulling out another quarter and dropping it into the slot. You hear her pick up the other line and she shouts something out and the call becomes blessedly quiet.

“Hey,” she says a little breathlessly, “you there? What happened to your date?”

“I ended it early. It sucked Caroline,” you sigh, “Do you think you could come and pick me up. I stupidly agreed to let him drive me.”

“Ah, shit I can’t,” she says, “My brother and some of his friends came over and, well, we’ve all been drinkin’.” 

It wasn’t unusual for her to have people over on the weekends, she was a bit of a party animal. In a way you were a perfect pair, you tempered her most crazy instincts and she brought you out of your shell. But right now, going home to her brother Sy and all his meathead friends was not what you had in mind. Especially not Sy.

“Fuck,” you mutter, “Sy’s there?”

“Yeah,” she says, “hang on, he drove here. He hasn’t drunk much I don’t think. Maybe he can pick you up. Let me ask him.”

“No, no, no,” you say quickly, “I’ll call a cab.”

But it’s too late, you can hear Caroline shouting for him and after an extended pause you can hear her relaying your request.

“Hey, Sugar,” Sy’s rich drawl echoes down the line and you bite your lip. 

“Hey, Sy,” you say shyly.

God, you hate that you aren’t completely over the crush you had on him in high school. You’re mostly over it; you don’t obsess over him like you did as a teen, but sometimes those old feelings rear their head again at the most inconvenient times.

“Need a rescue, huh?” he teases.

You smile, he likes to rag on you sometimes and you give it back, usually. You aren’t in the mood to reciprocate, but you appreciate his efforts. You almost tell him no, that you’ll just catch a cab despite the expense, you don’t want to put him out. But you also know Sy, if he didn’t want to help you, he wouldn’t have offered.

“Please?” you ask.

“Anytime, Sugar,” he says, warmly, “Now, where are ya?”

You see Sy’s blue truck about twenty minutes later. He pulls up in front of you, rolls the window down and grins.

“Hey, baby. How much?” He wiggles his eyebrows at you obscenely.

You shake your head and suppress a smile. Less than a second in his presence and he makes you want to laugh. Why can’t any of the guys you date make you feel like he does?

“You can’t afford me,” you scoff. 

He chuckles as he leans across the passenger seat and opens the door for you. You climb in, the truck is so high you have to stand on the side step then bend at the waist so you don't hit your head. Your top is so low, you are worried about flashing your tits at Sy with your body at this angle. You quickly glance at him and he’s already turning his head away. Feeling a little embarrassed, a ripple of heat works its way down your spine and you tug at the edge of your top to keep it from revealing too much. 

Sy taps the wheel in time to the barely audible rock playing through the stereo and waits until you’re settled before driving away from the curb.

“Thanks for picking me up, Sy,” you say.

“Like I said, anytime.” He glances at you and you smile back, but he narrows his eyes. “You ok?”

You shrug. “I guess.”

“Wanna talk about it?” he asks in that soft tone he has when he’s serious.

You sigh. You consider laying it all out for him, telling him about how frustrated you are. It wouldn’t be the first time you’ve unloaded your problems on him. But these problems were different, they were… a little too personal.

“I’m ok,” you lie.

Sy grunts. He knows you well enough to see that you’re not telling him the truth, but he accepts that you don’t want to talk.

You travel for a few minutes in silence and your date replays over in your mind. There was nothing wrong with it really. It had been a good evening, he had been nice, funny, and he was attractive. But when he kissed you during the movie, you had felt nothing. Not a tingle. Not a skipped heart beat. Not a single butterfly. You knew then and there, the relationship was going to go nowhere.

You had tried to be with guys you didn’t feel a spark with before, thinking that over time things would get better, but it never did. As soon as the movie was finished and you made your way back to his car, you told him you weren’t interested. He took it well; he wasn’t a dick about it and still wanted to drive you home. You refused, telling him Caroline was on her way to come and get you.

Sy stops at a set of traffic lights and placing the calloused edge of his finger under your chin, he turns your face to his. You inhale sharply at the contact. It's not fair that one touch from Sy makes you feel more than any guy you have ever dated. His lips tighten into a tight line as he looks you over.

“He didn’t hurt ya did he?” he asks in a voice that's as sharp as a knife’s edge.

“No, Sy,” you reply, placing your hand on his wrist and pushing it aside gently.

“Something happened,” Sy persists, “you look like you’re about to cry.”

“It’s not about him,” you say softly.

Sy looks at you for a long time, his lower lip sucked into his mouth as he studied you. You make yourself meet his gaze so he knows you’re telling the truth. The lights change and he inhales deeply through his nose before he turns his attention back to the road.

When Sy pulls up at your place, you see the number of cars and realise Caroline had invited more than just a few of Sy’s friends over. Your house was pumping with music and there were cars everywhere.

“God damn it, Caroline,” you mutter. 

Normally it wouldn’t bother you that there were people over, but tonight, you just couldn’t face it. Sy takes his seatbelt off and is about to open his door but you put your hand on his arm to stop him.

“Sy, can we… Can we just sit here a moment? I don’t want to go in yet.”

“Okay,” he says slowly, leaning back into his seat. He looks down at his hands, notices something and rubs at the skin of his thumb.

You close your eyes and lean against the headrest. Your mind is buzzing with thoughts, but they seem to fly through your head so quickly you can’t pin them down. Well except for one. 

You’re going to end up alone.

“Fuck,” you mumble as you angrily wipe at a tear that runs down your cheek.

“That’s it! You tell me what that mother fucker did to you and…”

“He didn’t do anything, Sy,” you say tersely. “I ended it, he was good about it… I just…” your chin trembles and you look away as more tears spill from your eyes.

“Oh hell,” Sy mumbles and he unfastens your belt and wraps his arms around you.

You cry harder as he presses you to his chest. You can’t stop. Each sob rips through you; your throat aches, your chest feels like it's going to burst through your ribs while your shoulders and stomach cramp awfully.

Sy lays the palm of his hand flat on your back and rubs big circles over you while he gently rocks you. No wonder you always had a crush on him; no man has ever made you feel as safe as Sy does. He drops his head low so his voice rumbles in your ear, “You’re good, baby, I’ve got you.”

You don’t know how long you cried for. By the time you stop crying, you feel a little silly, like you’re making a mountain out of a molehill. So this guy isn’t the one, what's the big deal really? There’s plenty of others out there. It's not like he dumped you, it was your decision after all. 

Sy doesn’t stop holding you even when you start to sniffle and your eyes run dry. You lift your head from Sy’s shoulder and although he relaxes his embrace, he doesn’t let you go. 

“I’m sorry, Sy.”

“Don’t be,” he reassures you, “Sometimes we’ve just gotta let it all out.”

“Can’t imagine you ever having a cry like that.”

“No, but you should see me trying to murder the punching bag during PT,” he grins.

You don’t think he means to put the thought of him shirtless, dripping with sweat, lip curled in anger and grunting as he takes his frustrations out on the leather bag, but it doesn’t stop the vivid image from being thrust into the forefront of your mind.

“Do you want to go inside yet?” Sy asks softly, “We don’t have to, we could go get a bite to eat if you need more time. I’ll give Carol a call when we get there and tell her to kick everyone out if ya want?”

“No, I don't want to ruin everyone’s good time because I had a shitty night.”

“Just wanna ruin mine, huh?”

“Sy…” you half whine and half laugh.

“How about we go eat then come back?” he suggests.

“I think I should just go to sleep. I’ll feel better in the morning. Just give me another minute.”

Sy is quiet for a moment then says, “I’ll take ya to my place. You ain’t gonna be able to sleep with all that going on. You can stay the night.”

“Sy thats sweet of you, but I don’t want to sleep in these clothes and your friends are all inside and—”

“My friend,” he says firmly, giving you a squeeze, “is right here. And you can borrow some of my clothes.” He finally lets you go and says, “C’mon, put your belt on. I ain’t takin’ no for an answer.”

It feels a little strange being in Sy’s apartment. It had been a while since you had been to his place. Years in fact. He’d been gone for so long, first to boot camp and other training, then later officer training and finally Special Forces selection and several deployments.

He was always in and out of your life and in a way you were glad. Because he wasn’t around to moon over all the time and it had made moving on from your silly crush easier. Plus, being reacquainted with him over the last few years had let your friendship develop beyond him being just your best friend's older brother and a guy to list over. You got to know him, the real him and you valued his friendship.

Still, there were boundaries despite how close you two had become and being alone with him in his home wasn’t one you had crossed yet.

After placing your bag on a rack by the door, you take your heels off while Sy disappears into what you assume is his bedroom. He comes back a few moments later with an AC/DC t-shirt and some sweatpants. 

“Do you wanna take a shower or anything?” he asks as he hands you his clothes.

You consider it for a minute, but decide you can wait until the morning. “No, I'll just wash my make-up off.” Sy nods and leads you to the bathroom and gives you a towel to dry your face with. 

After you wash you assess the damage the crying had done. Your mascara and eyeliner are waterproof, so they’re mostly in place, but your eyes are puffy and lined with red. You know it's only going to be worse tomorrow, but there really isn’t anything you can do about it now. You dress in Sy’s clothes, and you pull the drawstring of the sweats tight so they don’t fall as you walk and you roll the bottoms up too so you don't trip. 

You take one last look in the mirror and sigh. You feel a little pathetic. You should have just gone home. Now you’re stuck at Sy’s place wearing his freaking clothes for God’s sake. You almost laugh at the irony of it all; a few years ago you would probably have killed to be in this position and now that you had gotten over your crush (mostly), here you are. You’re older now, realistic, you know nothing is ever going to happen between you and Sy. If it was, it would have already happened. 

You wipe under your eyes again and you recognise that you're stalling. You can’t put it off any longer, so, taking a final deep breath, you go back to Sy.

When you come out, you ask him for something to put your clothes in. He goes to his kitchen and returns carrying a small plastic bag. He holds it open for you while you carefully place your jeans and top inside.

“I called Caroline and let her know you’re stayin’ here so she won’t worry,” Sy says, hanging your clothes on the rack next to your bag.

“Thanks,” you say. “Is she ok with me staying here?”

“She’s a little worried about what happened to you, so expect an interrogation in the mornin’,” he says, rolling his eyes.

You half smile. That's not quite what you were asking but you decide not to question his response. “Of course.”

“Are you ready for bed?” he asks. “You can have my bed, I’ll take the couch. Okay?”

You nod, you know you should argue with him, insist on taking the couch, but you know Sy, he won’t change his mind. “Thanks, Sy.”

He dips his head, acknowledging your thanks then just keeps looking at you with a small smile on his face. You return his smile weakly, then turn towards his room.

“Come ‘ere,” he says with a soft growl, and he grabs at your t-shirt, drawing you into his arms. 

You can’t say how many times Sy’s hugged you like this, too many times. And like all the other times you're overwhelmed by him, by his size, his warmth, his strength, his scent and you melt into his embrace. He cups the back of your head, tilting it until you’re looking down and kisses you on the crown.

“Baby?” he murmurs into your ear.

“Yeah?” God, your voice is so hoarse you barely recognise it.

You hear him take a breath like he’s about to speak but then he exhales and swallows before speaking.

“You gonna be okay?” he asks in that low soothing tone he’s used all night. You nod and he lets you go. “You need anythin’, I’ll be here. Gonna stay up and watch some TV for a bit.”

You nod again and go to bed.

Sleep is elusive; you toss and turn. Sy’s bed is comfortable, and you’re mentally exhausted, but you just can’t relax. Not only are you caught up in replaying the disappointing kiss in the movie theatre, you can’t stop thinking about Sy. Surrounded by his covers, engulfed in his scent, you can’t help but remember the warmth of his body and the pleasant weight of his arms as he holds you.

It annoys you, frustrates you, and makes your heart ache. You remind yourself that you’re escaping into old fantasies, equating the feelings of your unrequited crush to your current sense of loneliness. You know you’re only thinking about Sy like this because of what happened on your date. Your romantic feelings toward Sy aren’t real, they aren’t based in anything tangible and are not reciprocated. You're his little sister’s best friend, of course he’d be nice to you tonight like he always was. It didn’t mean anything.

Eventually you get up. You’re just going to get a drink of water before trying to go to sleep again. You won’t disturb Sy, you’ll just quietly go through the family room to the kitchen and you’ll have your drink before going back to bed. That's it.

The TV is on with the volume turned down low. Sy is shirtless on the couch, he’s too big for it and his feet hang over the armrest, barely covered by the blanket he has over his legs. He has one arm raised and bent behind his head and the other is below the cover. Your eyes widen and heat floods your cheeks as you think of what else is under there.

Shit. 

You turn back to Sy’s room; it’s fine, you don't really need a drink. But before you can take a step, you hear his voice, “Sugar?”

Shit. 

You turn back and see moving into a seated position, pulling the blankets up with him.

“Can't sleep?” he asks. You shake your head. He gives you a sympathetic smile, “Me neither.”

You nod and look around the room, trying not to stare too long at Sy’s chest. He’s always had an amazing body, and he isn’t shy about it, frequently spending summer barbecues shirtless. But it’s different being alone in his apartment when he’s half naked and feels a little inappropriate. 

You peer back at him and he’s just staring at you, like he’s waiting for you to say something. You point to the TV. 

“What are you watching?”

“Armageddon. Have you seen it?”

“Yeah. Once at the movies when it came out. It wasn’t bad.”

“Wanna watch it with me?” Sy asks.

Shit.

“Sure,” you say hesitantly. Your mouth is suddenly a little dry. Maybe you should get that drink first.

Sy swings his legs off the couch and pats the cushion next to him with a small jerk of his head.

You swallow hard as you sit on the opposite end of the couch, curling your legs up under you and leaning your head on the armrest. He rearranges the blanket so you both have some and settles into his corner, putting his arm on the back of the couch.

For a while you watch the movie in silence, sometimes one or both of you chuckle at a joke, but mostly you are quiet. The movie is supposed to just be a popcorn flick, it's not supposed to be that deep, nevertheless, you find yourself invested in the love story. And while it's cringe inducing, the scene with Ben Affleck’s character playing with the animal crackers on Liv Tyler's belly hits you hard. You’ve never experienced that kind of intimacy with a guy and you’re starting to think you never will.

“Sy?” 

He hums.

“Do you ever…” you pause and shake your head, “Nevermind.”

“No, go on, Sugar.” Sy mutes the tv and turns his body to face you.

You look down at the blanket and play with the edge. “Do you ever worry you'll be alone forever?” 

He raises an eyebrow. “Askin’ the big questions tonight I see.”

You shrug. “I just… sometimes I think I'm never gonna find someone. I’m never gonna fall in love.”

His brows draw together, “You’ve never been in love?”

“That stuff you hear about in movies and books, the sparks, the skipped heartbeats, the butterflies, the constant yearning, the need to be with them all the time. I've never felt that really.”

“Never?”

“Other than silly teenage crushes,” you bite your lip, you shouldn’t have mentioned that. You quickly deflect. “You have, haven't you? With Anna?”

“Yeah,“ he says with a half smile, “Yeah I loved her.”

“Do you miss her?”

Sy inhales deeply and studies his hands a moment, taking your question seriously. He looks at you before he speaks. “It’s complicated. I miss the feelings, I miss knowin’ I had someone, someone to be with, but I dont miss her.”

“You miss being in a relationship?”

“Yeah,” he chuckles, “and the sex, I miss the sex.”

You giggle and look away. “I’m sure you have no problem getting sex, Sy.”

He smirks and shrugs, conceding your point. “Yeah, I could get sex, but… It’s different when you’re in love. Feels different. I miss that sex.”

“At least you’ve had it once. I never have.”

“Wait, you’ve never had sex?”

“I’ve had sex, just not that amazing, loving, the world disappears and its just the two of you, sex. It’s never been good,” you pause and look at Sy and you before you can stop yourself you add, “I’ve never even had an orgasm.”

“What? Ever?”

“I have… alone…” you squirm a little in the seat, berating yourself for even bringing it up.

“Assholes,” Sy says.

“It's not really their fault,” you explain and Sy raises his eyebrows, “I mean they tried, it's just that I can’t seem to… get over the line.”

“You mean you get in your head? You overthink it?”

“Maybe,” you say, “I start wondering if I’m too loud. Am I taking too long? If I taste—” you stop talking, suddenly realising what you’re saying and who you’re saying it to. Your eyes meet Sy’s and you can’t breathe; he's looking at you in a way you’ve never seen him look at you before. He’s biting his lip, his eyes are dark and hooded. You turn away. “Nevermind.”

Sy clears his throat and an awkward silence descends between you as you both stare at the television.

“So, that crush you had,” Sy glances at you, “Anyone I know?”

“It was in high school, Sy. And I’m over it.” Completely over it.

“I ain’t over my high school crush,” he says with a smirk.

“What? Really?” you ask surprised. “You… you dated all the time, and all the popular girls… Why didn’t you ask her out?”

“It was complicated,” he says, “she was sorta off limits.”

“Who was she?”

“She was a sophomore when I was a senior.”

“Wait. She was in my year?” you ask, surprised again by Sy’s admission. “Was she one of Caroline’s friends? Was that why she was off limits?” 

He nods. “She never actually said I couldn’t date any of her friends, but… Anyway, I never said anything.” 

You nibble on your lip, thinking back to who it could have been. “Was it Leanne Newman?”

Sy scrunches his face up, “No.” You open your mouth to guess again but Sy cuts you off. “I ain’t playing a guessin’ game with you.”

“You can’t tell me you had a crush on one of our friends and not tell me who it is.”

“Sure you wanna know?” Sy asks, his face is impassive and you’re unable to get a read on him.

“Well yeah, what does it matter now?” you grin and say teasingly, “Are you worried I’ll tell her? You getting shy on me, Syverson?”

He doesn’t smile back or take the bait. Instead he stares at you while he pulls his lower lip into his mouth. Then he shakes his head. “Now's not the time.” He puts his arm around your shoulders and tries to get you to lay your head on his chest. “Ask me another time.”

You push away from him and sit up, “Why are you being all weird about this? You were the one who brought it up.”

His jaw clenches. “Well who was yours?” he asks, his annoyance plain by his curt tone.

You shift uncomfortably. “It’s not important,” you throw the blankets back and stand, “I think I’ll be able to sleep now.” 

That’s a lie, but this conversation is heading in a strange direction and you’ve had enough for one night.

Sy stands too, the covers falling from his legs and you realise all he has on are a pair of boxer briefs. Your face heats, mortified that you had sat there all that time and all he had been wearing was underwear.

“So you’re not going to tell me?” Sy says, completely unperturbed by the fact he was nearly naked.

“You’re not going to tell me yours,” you fold your arms across your chest and try to focus on his face. He looks away as he runs his tongue over his teeth and you recognise it as a sign of frustration. You throw your hands up in the air, completely exasperated, “This is ridiculous, Sy. I can’t believe we’re arguing about this.”

“It’s you,” he says.

“Me?” you say, your voice rising, becoming shrill, “I’m not doing anything!”

“No, Sugar,” he says softly, meeting your eyes, “The sophomore. It was you.”

You take a step back and stiffen. You feel an icy chill weave its way up your spine. 

“That’s not funny, Sy,” you say, your voice quivering in disbelief. 

“Do I look like I’m joking?” he says soberly as he takes a step closer to you. 

You have to admit, he does look serious. You shake your head as you drop your gaze to the floor, unable to look at him. You can’t believe him, no way; he’s never even hinted his interest in you.

“Sugar,” he says gruffly, “I told you mine, are you gonna tell me yours?” 

His hand cups your cheek and the contact makes your skin tingle all over as if you can feel his touch everywhere. You gasp as he runs his thumb over your cheek, then over your lips and jaw before tracing your throat to the hollow at the base of your neck.

“Or am I gonna have to guess?” he asks, with a cocky smirk.

“How do you know?” you ask, your voice weak with breathlessness, “How do you know it was you?”

“I had a hunch.” His pink tongue slips quickly between his lips, making his lips shine with the reflection of the tv screen. “A hope that maybe you feel the same way I do. I wasn’t sure.”

“But I’m over you,” you say more to yourself than to him.

“That's a damn shame,” Sy says in a tone so low you barely make out the words, “Cause I ain’t ever gonna get over you.”

He licks his lips again and his eyes trace the path of his thumb as he caresses your jaw. Then he meets your eyes and he takes a half step closer, your bodies almost touching. His lips part, his head dips and his eyelids start to close.

Oh God. He’s going to kiss you.

This can’t be real, there is no way after all this time that tonight he’s going to confess that he’s had feelings for you. Since high school no less. 

Why now?

What changed?

You gasp and firmly hold his shoulders, stopping his advance. You know why he’s saying it and it makes your stomach clench.

“You’re just saying this because of what I said,” you accuse and Sy’s eyes fly open and his head snaps to attention. “You feel sorry for me don’t you?”

“Feel sorry for you?”

Frustrated you push away from him, tears threatening again as you head to his kitchen. You thought Sy was better than this, a man that would never use your feelings against you like this. Did he really think you’d fall for it?

“I don’t need a pity fuck, Sy.”

“A pity fuck?” Sy says, incredulously as he follows you.

“Are you just going to repeat everything I say?”

You lift the receiver on his wall mounted phone and start dialling.

“Sugar, what are you doin’?” Sy asks, sounding confused. “Who you callin’?”

“A cab,” you say roughly, “I’m leaving.”

“You’re leaving?” he says, sounding offended.

“Stop repeating everything I say!”

“Sugar, I just laid my heart out and you…”

Your head jerks up and you see bewilderment in his pinched brow. He keeps advancing on you, hesitantly, as if at any moment he expected you to tell him to stop. And you want to. You open your mouth to tell him so, but the look in his eyes gives you pause.

He leans into you, trapping your body against the counter. His hands cover your cheeks. “Baby, I mean it, I ain’t lyin’ to you. I feel somethin’ every time I touch ya. Every time you smile at me I feel like I’m about to break out in a sweat. When you cry it makes my chest ache and I...” His arm coils around your back and he rests his weight against you, “If you don’t want me, fine, okay; I’ll let ya go and you can call your cab. But I don’t want you to leave thinkin’ I lied to you.”

“Why haven't you told me this before?”

“Baby, I wanted to. So many times,” he chuckles bitterly and lowers his head. “I thought I was over you, we were kids, and I was gone then you were gone. But every time I came back and saw you,” his voice lowers to nearly a whisper, “I knew I was never gonna stop wantin’ to be with you.”

God, this is too much. This is crazy, just crazy. And you just can’t deal with it.

“I want to go home, Sy,” you manage to rasp as tears well in your eyes again.

Sy doesn’t move for a moment, and you think maybe he won’t let you leave. Then he sniffs and takes a step back, without looking at you. “Okay,” he says, “Yeah, okay.”

A piercing pain strikes your chest at the dejected sound of his voice. “I’m sorry, Sy. I…”

He holds a hand out to you, gesturing you to stop. “It’s ok, you don’t gotta explain,” He rubs his hand over his head and down his face, “I’m uh… I’ll let ya make your call,” he says as he turns away and leaves the kitchen.

You call the cab company with shaking fingers. You think you’re going to have to call out to Sy to get his address, but you discover a few bills stuck to his fridge. After you hang up, you find some tissues, bundle them up and stick them in the pocket of your pants, certain you’re going to need them for the ride home.

Shit.

You are wearing Sy’s clothes. You go to the rack by the door and grab your bag, intending to change before you leave.

“You don’t have to change,” Sy says, from behind you. You turn to him and notice that he’s put on a t-shirt, sweats and some shoes. “Keep ‘em. Or give ‘em back another time.”

God, he sounds so broken, so hurt, and awfully resigned. 

“Sy, I…” you start to cry again; you can’t stop the tears.

“Hey, hey, hey,” Sy draws you into his arms, “Easy now, it’s ok.”

You shake your head into his chest. It's not okay. It won't ever be okay between you again. You know that. You know your relationship has changed forever. You feel like shit. Here you are rejecting him, telling him you’re not interested and he’s the one holding you while you cry. No matter how good it feels to be in his embrace, you can’t take comfort from him anymore. It's not fair to him.

Taking a deep breath to compose yourself, you slide out of Sy’s arms. You slip your shoes on, feeling utterly ridiculous in your heels and put your coat on. Sy reaches for his coat too and when you’re ready to leave, he opens the door for you and walks you out.

When he opens his building's front door, the icy chill of the night air slices through Sy’s t-shirt and your thin coat, taking your breath away. You start to shiver immediately.

“Sy, it’s freezing. You don’t have to wait with me.”

He just shakes his head and walks you to the street. “How long did they say they’d be?”

“Ten minutes,” you tell him.

He nods and sticks his hands in his pockets and you put yours under your arms, stepping from foot to foot trying to keep warm.

“Think it’ll rain later?” Sy asks looking up at the cloudy night sky.

“Sy, you don’t have to do this,” you say, “you don’t have to pretend that everythings okay.”

“I’m just talkin’. Ain’t we able to talk now that I’ve made a complete fool of myself?” he grins, making light of the situation.

“You didn’t…” Sy glances at you out of the corner of his eyes, and you shake your head. “Not a complete fool.”

“Just a li’l bit then,” he surmises.

You shrug. He really hadn’t misinterpreted anything. You look down at your feet, curling your toes in your heels, trying to keep them warm. You don’t want to think about it, you don’t want to think about him, you just want to go home, have a cry in your bed and try to sort out your mixed up feelings. 

“Cab’s here,” he says.

You look up and see that he’s right. The driver pulls up, winds his window down and says your name, confirming the car is for you. You nod and for a moment you’re stuck, unable to move.

Sy places a gentle hand on your lower back and you can feel his warm breath as he kisses your temple.

“Go on, Sugar,” he murmurs.

You close your eyes. Your chest tightens, and a lump forms in your throat. You reach a hand out to him but he’s already moved away, walking back to his apartment. You feel sick, you can’t work out what’s wrong with you. Why does it feel like your heart is breaking?

“Miss?” the cab driver calls to you, “You coming?”

You’re trembling and not just from the cold. You take a step back from the cab and shake your head.

“I made a mistake,” you tell the driver. He looks at you with raised eyebrows but you don't have time to explain.

Pivoting, you run back towards the building. Sy has already gone back inside and you see him at the stairs. You knock frantically on the door, he stiffens and turns around, his eyes widening momentarily in surprise. He comes back down the stairs in a little jog, and opens the door with furrowed brows.

“Did you forget somethin’?” Sy asks.

You shake your head, unable to get the words out.

Sy looks over your head, “Hey, your cabs leaving, what—”

Standing on your toes you put your arms around his neck and pull his mouth down to yours. 

Sparks. Skipped heart beats. Butterflies. Yearning. Need. 

You feel it all as Sy groans and wraps his arms around you. His lips are as soft rose petals as they move over yours, stroking lightly at first before building pressure. You feel something hard against your back and you barely register that he's brought you inside and pinned you against the wall.

“Sy,” you whisper, drawing away to take a ragged breath. 

“Baby,” Sy says, his hands moving over your body as if confirming that you’re really there, “you came back.” He states the obvious and if you weren't closing in on the edge of a pure mental meltdown yourself, you would have laughed. 

His lips are on yours again, his beard feels so soft as his whiskers slide over your lips. He lifts your shirt, his hands are cool and your skin feels like it's burning as they brush your trembling belly. He grasps your waist, his fingers dig into your flesh as his kiss becomes firmer.

“Want this… Want you… So long… Always…” He murmurs between kisses.

His lips move down your neck, his kiss is rough, wet and scorching. His hands move higher, squeezing at your ribs as if he wants to crush you. You close your eyes, your body arching, your hips slotting against his and you moan.

His thumbs caress the curve of your bare breasts beneath his shirt. Your hands seem to move by their own volition as they glide down his neck and under his jacket. You slide it off his shoulders feeling the tension held in the bulging mass of muscles beneath his shirt.

His hands leave your body while he throws his coat off like it's on fire and he drops it uncaringly to the floor. Then he leans hard into you, hips circling you and you can feel him, growing hard, so fucking hard, against your belly. His hands move under your shirt again, but he withdraws them quickly.

“Upstairs,” he breathes and he bends down to grab his coat.

Wordlessly, he takes your hand and walks you towards the stairs. You get the feeling if you weren’t trotting after him, he’d drag you anyway.

He turns to look at you as you reach the first landing, his eyes are blue fire as he bites his lip. You don’t know what he sees when he looks at you, but you know you must be reflecting the same vehement expression. Now that you’ve kissed, there’s no way to hide your feelings. He takes the stairs blind, like he’s bewitched by your face and won’t even look where he’s going. You aren’t much better, seemingly trapped by the same force that keeps his eyes on you.

As he opens the door to his apartment, his heavy silence and heady gaze finally gets the better of you. Closing your eyes, you turn away from him slowly, taking your bags off and placing them by the door.

Sy hums as he moves behind helping you take your coat off. You step out of your heels, using the movements to put some distance between the two of you.

“I think we need to talk about this before it goes any further, Sy,” you say looking at his cream coloured carpet.

His feet enter your field of vision and he lifts your chin. 

“Shoot,” he says in his deep gravelly voice.

You swallow hard. God, he radiates sexual energy, raw, primal, and seductive. You haven’t felt that from him before, never to this extent at least. His hand moves down your throat and slides to the side of your neck. Your body hums, vibrating from somewhere deep inside.

“I’m listening,” he prompts.

He seems so composed now, so in control, earlier he had been as wild as you. Now you feel like you’re about to spontaneously combust and he’s as cool as ice.

“I uh… What are we going to do?” you ask flustered and uncomposed, your eyes sliding shut as he tugs gently on your ear with his thumb and forefinger.

“Now or tomorrow?” His breath is hot on your neck as he dips his head and nuzzles into you. His beard pleasantly brushes over your skin and you feel it in your spine as you shiver with pleasure.

“Now? Both?” His silky lips skim over you, the potent cocktail of sensations is doing you in and you can’t think. “Sy stop, please.”

Leaving you with one last kiss he breathes in deeply before taking a step back. He crosses his arms over his chest and your eyes slide over his body, lingering on the bulge between his legs. You drag your focus to his face and you see that you were wrong, he’s not composed, he’s as aroused as you are.

“Oh fuck it,” you say, and grab his shirt in your fists.

A fleeting look of shock crosses Sy’s features before his blue eyes flash with lust and he grins like a cat who got the cream. He captures your face in his hands and meets your lips with his.

His hands roam everywhere, kneading at your hips, your breasts, and your ass. You can’t keep your hands off him either, running up his thickly muscled arms, to his neck and down his strong back. Your fingers dive into the scruff of his beard finding it surprisingly soft and your nails scratch gently at his cheeks and jaw.

“Couch or bed?” he growls with a raised eyebrow. You know what he's asking, he wants to know how far you want to take this.

“Bed,” you say determinedly. You want it, you want him, why are you questioning it?

“Oh fuck yeah.”

Without letting you out of his arms he walks you to his bed, awkwardly trying to toe off his shoes as he keeps trying to kiss you.

“You can let me go, Sy,” you tease as he grunts and he finally kicks his shoes away.

“Can’t do that, baby,” he says with a smirk, “I ain’t ever lettin’ you go.” He grabs your ass and lifts you onto his hips and you yelp. “I’m gonna bundle you up and take you with me everywhere. Might get some side eye at work, but it’ll be worth it.”

“You’re so cheesy, Sy,” you giggle, wrapping your legs around his waist.

“You’re so fuckin’ pretty when you laugh, Sugar,” he says without the slightest hint of amusement and your laughter dies.

An intensity settles between you as Sy takes the last few steps into his bedroom. He leaves the light off and turns on a small lamp that bathes the room in a soft warm glow. Then he lowers you to your feet.

You turn to look at the bed, the covers are still pulled back as you left it when you got up to get a drink. Sy walks around the other side and climbs in and you slip between the covers and meet him in the middle of the bed. There is a weighty anticipation and part of you wonders if you’re moving too fast. Maybe you should have picked the couch.

If you’re honest with yourself, your trepidation comes from more than that. Now that the moment has arrived, now that you’re in bed with the man you have wanted to be with for as long as you can remember, you fear disappointment.

You know you shouldn’t get caught up in your head. Kissing Sy was already a better experience than you’ve ever had with any man before. But somehow that makes the ball of anxiety in your gut grow even heavier and more onerous.

And worse than all of that is the question: what if you had it wrong all the time? What if you’re the one who is a disappointment? What if sex was always bad for you because you aren’t any good at it?

“You okay?” Sy asks as he strokes your cheek with the back of his fingers.

You shrug. He rubs his thumb between your pinched brows as if to soothe away your worries. He looks away for a moment and stares off into the distance, then he brings his eyes back to you.

“Are you thinkin’ ‘bout some of the things you told me about earlier?”

You drop your head and quietly curse.

“Don’t think about that, baby. Just feel me,” he says.

“I can’t help it,” you whisper.

“Let me help you then,” Sy says with a grin and throws back the covers. 

“Sy…” you whimper softly.

“Hush,” he says, brushing mouth against yours.

His velvety soft tongue flicks teasingly at your lips before his hands travel down your sides. He lifts your shirt, and moves down your body until he is kissing your belly.

“Jane’s Addiction,” Sy murmurs as he nuzzles into your tummy.

“What?” you ask, completely thrown by his out of left field comment.

“Jane’s Addiction was playin’ on the radio the first time I met you.”

“You remember the first time you met me?”

He nods solemnly, “Few days into senior year. It was rainin’ and Carol begged me to drive her and her new friend home.”

“Oh I remember that!” you say. You laugh and run your hand over his buzz cut, “Your hair was so long and curly.”

“Yeah, it was,” he breathes and you gasp as his hands reach your breasts.

You bite your lip as he lifts your shirt higher and his eyes grow wide as your breasts are revealed. He keeps raising the hem and you lift your arms. With a quick tug you’re topless and before you even have a chance to feel self conscious, he rises to his knees, reaches behind his head and he is swiftly shirtless too.

He lays over you, his weight is heavy but welcomed and warm. His lips are at your neck, his hand cupping your breast, caressing, rubbing, squeezing.

“You sat in the backseat, and I kept looking in the rear view mirror at you. I couldn’t stop.” 

His kiss moves to your nipple, his tongue slips between his teeth, circling before drawing you into his mouth. The gentle suckle makes you moan and you ache for more as the throbbing between your legs borders on unbearable. His azure gaze is intense and hungry as he lifts his head.

“You wore a green strapless dress to my 21st birthday and kept stealin’ my tequila shots,” he continues, “You wore a pink cardigan with cherries on it when you came to my homecoming after my first deployment,” his voice gets low as he adds, “You kissed me that night, just my cheek, but I’ll never forget it, or that your hair smelled like strawberries.”

“Sy…”

He rises to his knees again, licking his lips and tucking the bottom one into his mouth. His broad chest is puffing hard as he looks at you and hooked his fingers into the waistband of your borrowed sweats. 

“You cut your hair to look like some actress when you came to visit me with Carol after I made it through selection,” he glances away long enough to untie the draw string.

You cover your face in your hands, reliving the painful six months it took for the cut to grow out. “Oh God, that haircut was awful.”

“It was,” Sy chuckles, then he’s quiet as you feel the sweats slide down your thighs. You peek through your fingers. “But you were still so fucking beautiful,” he says and his body covers yours. He removes your hands from your face and cradles your head in his hand, “You are beautiful.”

You shake your head, but you smile, warming with his compliments. “You remember all of that?”

“That and so much more,” he says as he dips his head and kisses you.

You kiss him back with a slightly parted mouth and you slip your tongue past his lips. He groans wrapping an arm around your waist while yours encircle his neck. He breathes hard into your mouth as he kisses you, and you have no doubt you’re breathing just as hard.

“Gonna go slow, okay?” Sy murmurs. His eyes sweep down over your nearly naked form and he chuckles, “Gonna try anyway.”

“You don’t have to,” you say.

“I want to,” he insists, “I wanna take care of you, make it good for you.”

He kisses you as he places his hand on the inside of your thigh and exertes slight pressure. You let yourself open for him, so eager for his touch you can’t stop trembling. His kiss grows deeper, harder as his fingertips dance up your thigh.

His hand cups your clothed centre and he groans as you gasp and instinctively close your legs. He holds your thigh and guides it open again with a gentle yet firm touch. The heel of his palm presses against your clit and your body surges, heat radiating as he moves in tight circles.

Your heart starts to pound, your breath shudders and your thighs won’t stop shaking. You recognise the feeling and it's good, better than good; every stroke of his hand, every brush of his lips and flick of his tongue at your mouth takes you higher until your entire body throbs.

Sy lifts his head, his mouth hovers just above yours. He stares into your eyes while his fingers delicately trace the edge of your underwear. 

“Gonna take ‘em off,” he says, pausing until you nod, lifting your hips and he drags your panties down your thighs.

With a gentle nudge he guides your thighs open again and his hand strokes your body, from your hip to your breasts, he leaves a trail of goosebumps on your skin. He bites his lip as he looks at you then he lowers his head until it rests next to yours on the pillow.

“I wanna make you cum,” he says as he caresses your shoulder then traces an invisible line down your arm.

He laces his fingers between yours and brings your joined hands to your core. Your hips roll, spine arches as he dips your fingers into your slick and sticky wetness.

“Fuck,” Sy groans and presses his forehead into yours, “Show me what you like, show me what feels good.”

You shake your head, “I don’t think…”

“There ya go thinkin’ when ya should be feelin’,” Sy says, his voice a little teasing.

Guiding your joined hands he slides your fingers over your folds and spreads your wetness all over you.

“Close your eyes for me,” he murmurs, “Just feel what I do, listen to what I say. Can you do that for me, baby?”

You don’t respond, you can’t, so you close your eyes and try to focus on his touch.

“Put my hand where you want it,” he urges hoarsely.

You nod and take hold of his wrist and using your other hand you cover his. You guide him over your slit letting his whole hand glide over you, the friction of his skin against your folds makes you moan.

“Your pussy feels so good, baby,” he breathes into your ear, “love how soft ya are… delicate…”

You whimper as your nails dig into his wrist and your body heaves. A warm rush floods your core, you’ve never been so aroused by a man in your life. “Oh God, Sy.”

“So wet and puffy and warm, bet ya taste real good too.”

Molten hot liquid seems to flow through your veins and heat blooms deep within your gut. You raise his fingers to your clit, placing them right where you need them and you guide his movements for a few seconds. His hand moves passively over you until he seems to catch your rhythm and you feel the moment he takes over. You let him go and try to keep breathing as torrid jolts of intense pleasure wreak havoc on your nerves.

“I wanted this for a long time. Wanted you here, in my bed, wanted to touch you like this,” he says as his beard grazes the side of your neck and his lips capture your earlobe. “And that you wanted it too, that you wanted to be here, with me.”

His confession makes you open your eyes and turn your head towards him. He’s looking down at his hand between your legs, his brows are low and his eyes are narrow. He bites his lip and you watch stunned as his teeth drag over his soft flesh.

“Fuck,” he says under his breath, so softly that if you hadn’t seen his mouth moving you don’t think you would have been able to make out what he said. 

His eyes sweep up your body and he catches you looking at him. Through your moans, you smile shyly at him and he makes a low growling noise in his throat.

“You look so beautiful like this,” he rumbles, and he leans over you. 

Your lips meet in a sordid clash, it's wet, sloppy and uncontrolled. You grab at his arm clawing and clutching, your legs won’t stop shaking, and you can’t stop your moans turning into cries.

You squeeze your eyes shut and fall back into the pillow, concentrating on the tightness between your legs. Your whole body feels taut, pulled tight like an elastic, ready to snap at any moment. This is where it stops for you, where you get caught, where you take too long, where he gets bored, where he…

“Sy, I don’t think I can, I…” you say, turning him, panting and exhausted.

Sy takes your hand and holds it against his sweats. You feel him underneath, hard as steel, pulsing, and thick.

“Oh shit,” you cry.

“Feel that, baby?” Sy groans, “That's what touchin’ you does to me. If ya want me to stop, I will, but don’t ask me to stop cause you think I don’t wanna do this. ‘Cause you’d be dead wrong.”

You gasp and whine, mewling as you melt into his gaze. An animal hunger and primal need is naked in his stare, but so was his enjoyment. There is a subtle curve to his lips as he starts to rut against your hand and you can have no doubt of his desire.

“Don’t stop,” you say. 

Sy voice reverberates in his chest as he rests his forehead against yourrs forehead, his eyes holding yours as with a gaze that would be predatory if he wasn’t simultaneously panting as if he’s trapped too.

The tension within you builds again, faster now and it takes you no time to flirt with the edge of release. Your body becomes unhinged; clenching, desperate, writhing. You cry out as you fly apart and for a moment you hang there, floating in bliss as your body undulates, riding out each scorching wave of euphoric pleasure.

When you come back down and can start to think coherently you feel Sy’s nose rubbing gently against yours. His hand is flat covering your core, slowly dragging up and down over you, as if he really is touching you for his own enjoyment. His mouth drifts lazily over yours, kissing your top then bottom lip.

Your hand is still against his cock, your fingers caging him as your palm presses flat. You move your hand, and you feel the rush of air from his lungs against your lips in a ragged exhale. You do it again and his hips jerk.

“Baby…” he drawls.

You roll onto your side so you're facing him, and rest your free hand against the centre of his chest, your fingers sinking into his coarse hair.

“Sy…” you hum back as you slide your hand down his torso until your fingers find another patch of hair and your fingertips dip teasingly into his waistband.

“Wanna touch me, huh?” he asks in a low, gravelly tone. 

“Yes,” you say.

“Fuck, that word has never sounded so good,” Sy grins.

You giggle softly then bite your lip, you probably shouldn’t laugh at a time like this.

Sy caresses your cheek with the back of his fingers, “I love it when you smile, Sugar.”

Your lips stretch wide, you can’t help it. Sy hums, still grinning and leans in to kiss you. You move your hand lower into his pants and finding the elastic of his boxer briefs, you slip your fingers beneath those too. Your heart pounds and your fingers tremble as you feel the tight soft skin of his cock. With the softest touch you can manage, you wrap your hand around him.

Sy sucks in a breath with a hiss, “Gonna take my pants off.” You nod and relax your hand, but he puts a hand on your wrist. “Don’t let go.”

You suppress another giggle as Sy awkwardly lowers his pants around where you’re joined. But he moves fast and quickly he settles onto his back and draws you close under his arm.

Looking down, your eyes widen as you take in the sight of him. Your body warms again as you watch your hand move slowly over him. You feel Sy’s body twitch, moving slightly as you work him with a slow easy rhythm. 

Then as if he couldn’t hold it in any longer he lets out a low groan and his whole body heaves. His arm tightens around you and he lifts your chin before covering your mouth with his. His tongue sweeps over yours as he kisses you firmly, ferociously, demandingly. Then he falls back again, his head dropping into the pillow.

You kiss his shoulder, his muscles pulling taut below his skin as he tightens his arm around you. Encouraged, you move your mouth along his collarbone to the base of his neck. You want to kiss him there but you’re too far away, so you move onto your belly, almost climbing over his huge form until you’re half on him, half on the mattress. Without stopping the motion of your hand, you nuzzle into his neck. His skin is so hot beneath your lips, humid as he breaks out into a sweat.

“Fuck,” he groans, and he holds the back of your head to him as his body rolls under you. Despite how small his size makes you feel physically, the way he moves, the noises that he makes, and the way he touches you, makes you feel powerful. You love knowing you’re making him feel good and you want to give him more.

You move down his body slowly, leaving a trail of kisses as you go. When you reach his hip, you look up at him and his eyes are already on you.

“Baby?” he asks.

You look at him in your hand briefly then look back at Sy and lick your lips.

“Wanna put me in your mouth, huh?” he whispers, his chest is pumping hard, his cock is pulsing and becoming unbelievably thick in your hand. He reaches down and rubs his thumb over your mouth. “Pretty li’l lips.”

“Yes.” You part your lips and without breaking the rhythmic motions of your hand you take him in your mouth.

“God damn…” He cradles your head in his warm hands, fingers caressing your neck and throat, tracing the curve of your jaw. 

“Look so good, baby… feel so good…” 

He groans and his hips move in a slow, gentle rocking motion, his body arching as he moves within your mouth. His tenderness is not what you’re used to; he essentially fucking your mouth, yet you feel as though he’s completely surrendered to the moment and to you.

Sy isn’t quiet, and you quickly discover what he likes by watching and listening. You find a nice rhythm, sucking and massaging with your tongue while he pumps into your mouth. He’s careful not to go too deep at first, but soon you see his starts to become erratic, tensing his thighs hard and he seems to grow harder in your hand. You take over, moving over him steadily increasing his pace.

“Gonna make me cum, baby,” he grunts out his warning, “Oh fuck! Gonna fuckin’ cum in your mouth.”

His eyes close tight, his head rolls back and his whole body seems to elongate. His groans turn into growls before he roars your name and begins to fill your mouth with long, thick, and warm jets.

“Fuck, fuck,” he mumbles as you slow down your movements, gently licking within your mouth until he shivers with a hum and pulls his hips away.

You sit on your knees, unsure of what to do. Now that it is over and both your passions are sated, you wonder what is going to happen. You have fleeting images of awkward interactions, perhaps never talking about this night again.

You place your hand on his still trembling thigh. You like the feeling of his sparsely haired skin under your palm, and you try to commit this moment to memory, in case it never happens again. He’s so attractive; his shoulders, arms and forehead are covered in a light sheen, his mouth is curved into a soft smile and he has a hand on his chest as he breathes heavily and steadily while he comes down from his high.

“Whatcha doin’ all the way over there?” Sy asks as he lifts the hand off his chest and beckons you to him.

Hesitantly you lay next to him, positioning yourself into the crook of his arm with your head on his shoulder. He lifts your chin and kisses your mouth with a tender stroke of lips and tongue.

Sy pulls away humming and asks, “You need anythin’? A drink or somethin’?”

You shake your head, “No. Thank you though.”

Sy chuckles a little and kisses you on the top of your head. “Want to sleep?” He asks, his beard tickles your forehead as he adds, “With me?”

“Yeah, I do,” you say softly.

He leans down to bring the covers up over both of you. He hums again. He sounds content and happy, and starts to stroke your arms with his fingers. 

You start to think that maybe… maybe this thing with you and Sy isn't just a one off.

When you wake in the morning, you find yourself alone in bed. 

Your heart sinks into your gut and your throat seems to want to close up. You quickly take hold of yourself rationalising that you’re in his bed, surely he couldn’t be so desperate to avoid you that he would leave his own house and make you find your own way home.

As you raise your head to sit up, you notice a piece of paper on Sy’s pillow. Nervously, you reach for it and see that it’s a quickly scrawled note.

Gone for a run.

You looked so pretty sleeping, I didn’t wanna wake you. 

I put the coffee on. Make yourself a cup if you want. 

Sy

The mild panic you felt begins to wane as you read over his note again. He hasn’t just left you, he’s coming back and he still thinks you’re pretty. Smiling stupidly, you flop back onto the bed and give a little squeal into the pillows.

Before Sy returns, you get dressed in your clothes from last night. The top you wore felt scandalously low in the light of the early morning, but your coat would cover most of it. You wash your face and rub some toothpaste onto your teeth and rinse. You think about looking for a brush, but you don’t want to go searching through Sy’s bathroom cabinet.

Just as you’re finishing pouring yourself a coffee, Sy returns. He hasn’t noticed you yet, so biting your lip you take the time to really look at him as he toes off his sneakers. Sy is spectacularly attractive wearing an army PT t-shirt, a pair of running shorts, iPod earbuds in his ears, dripping with sweat and humming. He seems to ooze a raw, primal, brutal sexuality in his walk as he heads your way.

When he finally notices you, he grins and pulls the earbuds out and lays his iPod on the kitchen bench. He comes close but keeps some distance between you as he lays a hand on your hip before leaning in to kiss your cheek.

“Mornin’, Sugar,” he says. He takes a step back as you reach for him and you feel disappointed. It must have shown on your face because he quickly continues, “I’m all sweaty. Gonna take a shower, okay?”

You smile and nod, “Okay.”

He returns your smile and takes half a step to move away, before changing his mind and turning back to you.

“I liked comin’ home to you,” he says. His eyes wander over your clothes, and he runs a finger down your exposed chest. “You look good.”

Feeling a little timid by his suggestive touch, you look to the ground and make a joke. “You like my walk of shame outfit?”

“I ain’t ashamed, baby,” he says, sweaty or not, he takes you in his arms, “you ain’t got nothin’ to be ashamed of neither. I don’t regret what happened last night. Not one bit.”

You meet his eyes and see how open his stare is and you believe him. You see the unasked question as he peers at you. “I don’t either, Sy.”

“Good,” Sy grins, “‘Cause I wanna do it again.” You laugh a little and look away and Sy chuckles too. “No, I mean… Well yeah, that. But I wanna take ya out. On a date.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes,” Sy says firmly. Then his eyes light up. “Wait here okay? Wanna show ya somethin’.” 

He doesn’t wait for your reply and leaves the kitchen coming back moments later with an envelope and hands it to you.

“Last night, you asked why I hadn’t said anythin’ about how I felt,” he waits for you to nod before he continues, “Well, I was planning on askin’ you to come with me. Ask you out, I mean.”

Turning the envelope over, you lift the flap and pull out two concert tickets to Jane’s Addiction.

“Sy, I…” you look at him feeling overwhelmed, “I don’t know what to say.”

“Say you’ll go with me.”

“Of course I will,” you say.

Sy draws you into his arms, kisses you and doesn’t let go.

“Y/n… hurry up! Fuck!” Randy yelled from the kitchen. Randy was kind of an asshole.

You scrambled to put on your apron before grabbing a tray full of glasses, balancing it on your way to the back. You were new and trying your best. Thankfully the VFW wasn’t too terribly busy yet. That, and the regulars were almost always nice to you.

You had taken this job out of desperation. You’d been living on a friends couch and trying to get your feet underneath you. The manager was a friend of yours and knew the old men who patronized the bar would love you. “You’re pretty… and smart. You’ll give those old timers a run for their money.” He said.

By the second month you already had quite a few regulars coming in on your shifts just to see you. You talked with them, listened to their stories, and respected what they had done for our country. Not many people your age really got it or understood. But you did. They appreciated that.

It was a quiet Thursday night, only a few regular members were hanging out. A table full of guys played cards while you walked through taking their empties.

“Y/n… I have someone I want you to meet.” Charlie, one of your favorite regulars began, “He’s a very good man.”

Wilbur chimed in, “Don’t do it toots… he’s short!”

“He is not! Logans tall! So tall! And smart. He’s very smart.” Charlie retorted.

“I don’t know kid… sounds too good to be true. Tall and smart?” Arthur laughed as he shuffled the cards.

Frank couldn’t resist, “I bet he’s ugly.”

You were laughing as the old men discussed your potential suitor. Whom you had no intention of meeting in the first place.

“Shut it Frank. He’s not ugly. He’s a good lookin kid. He’s tall, he’s smart. He’s a good man. He’s a soldier. A captain.” Charlie looked around the table mean mugging the other men, almost daring them to speak up.

You smiled, “Oh Charlie… I don’t really have time -“

He interrupted you, “Just meet him. Be nice to him. That’s all I’m asking. Smile at him.”

“What’s in it for you Charlie?” Wilbur questioned scratching his bald head.

“Nothing. I just wanna see these two kids happy. They’re both good kids. That’s rare these days.” Charlie patted your hand as you grabbed his empty glass.

“Thank you Charlie. That’s very sweet of you but-“

Charlie smiled, “Don’t say another word. He’ll be here in about five minutes.”

Panic spread through your entire body, “Charlie… You didn’t… Are you serious?”

‘Of course I’m serious. Why would I joke about something like that? You look great kid…. Don’t worry about it. You’ll knock his socks off!”

“Ya know… on second thought, maybe run a brush through your hair and throw on a little lippy.” Frank chimed in.

“Thanks Frank. I’ll remember you said that.”

He grumbled and muttered in response, “I’m just trynna be helpful.”

You ran your tray back to the bar and ducked into the restroom. You didn’t necessarily want to meet this guy Charlie was trying to set you up with, but you also didn’t want to look bad either. What if he was a nice handsome guy? Those don’t just drop out of the sky. And a marine? You did love a man in uniform. Just maybe not the ones you were surrounded by nowadays.

Looking yourself over in the mirror you reached into your purse and pulled out some eyeliner, re-did your mascara and put on some cherry chapstick. You pulled hair out of its elastic and fluffed it. You tried remembering how many days it’d been since you’d washed it and if it was clean enough to get away with wearing it down. Thankfully it was and having had it up in the elastic gave it a nice bit of volume. As you looked yourself over in the mirror, you sighed looking at your reflection. ‘This will have to do.’ You thought as you adjusted your tank top and hiked up your shorts ever so slightly. ‘That’s better.’

You heard the door chime and took a deep breath. Rushing out of the bathroom and chucking your purse back behind the bar as you plastered a warm smile on your face only to see Sid, one of your cantankerous regulars.

“The usual Sid?” You hollered at the slow moving gentleman with the cane.

“A course… what else would it be! I’m 82 years old… you think I’m gonna change it up now?!”

You swore yelling at you kept him moving. His grumpiness gave him the energy he needed to function. You poured a domestic beer from the tap and carried it over to the card game as the gentleman shuffled their seats groaning and grumbling as they welcomed Sid to the table.

“You changed your hair!” Arthur barked as you sat Sid’s drink in front of him. “What’d you do that for? I thought you said you weren’t interested in Charlie’s boy?”

“Who’s not interested?” A deep gruff southern accent belonging to someone much younger than the standard clientele asked.

You stood up straight, eyes wide, your back facing the sexy sounding stranger.

Charlie winked at you and gave you a thumbs up. Frank froze and very slowly gave you the ‘ok’ symbol, looking extremely obvious. While you were fairly certain he was trying to be nonchalant.

“Logan! You’re here! We’ll deal you in. This is Y/n. Y/n is a very nice girl. Be nice to her. She’ll get you a drink.” Charlie smiled warmly at the both of you.

You spun around as Logan reached out and touched your elbow. Expecting someone smaller you had to look up at him. He was huge. He was well over six foot and broad chested. He was thick and muscular. If there was ever a man built like a mountain it was him. He was bearded and wore a ball cap, his tee shirt was tight and accentuated his muscles. His jeans fit perfectly. You felt butterflies and heat as you looked up at him.

“Hi, nice to meet you, I’m Logan.”

Your mouth went dry. You blinked at him, staring at his giant outstretched hand.

“Get with it kid.” Wilbur whispered, cracking a smile on your face.

“Hi I’m Y/n. What can I get you?”

“A date!” Frank chimed in.

“Take her to dinner!” Sid coughed.

Y/n pursed your lips and and closed your eyes. You opened them slowly as you started to walk towards the bar. Logan followed you.

“I wonder if they want us to go on a date…” he smirked.

“How can you tell? They’re very subtle.” You felt at ease with him. You also felt a fire start in your belly that radiated through your entire body.

“I’ll say one thing…Charlie definitely under sold you. You’re gorgeous. He said you were nice to look at.. he didn’t tell me I wouldn’t be able to take my eyes off of you.” Logan was laying it on thick.

“Wow. Um… thank you.”

“What time do you get off? I’d like to buy you… a drink.”

“You realize that’s funny, because I’m the bartender, right…” you winked at him as you poured a Budweiser draft into a glass, before sliding it to him.

“How did you know?” He looked at you confused as he took a sip.

“It’s a talent. A completely useless one. But a talent, nonetheless.”

“What time do you get off?” He repeated himself, moving closer.

You could smell him. His cologne swirled with his manly woodsy scent. It was heaven. The closer he got the faster your heart beat.

You licked her lips, “In about ten minutes…” you smiled at him as he quickly looked at his watch.

“Perfect.”

———

The two of you sat at a quiet table in a far corner for the last two hours talking nonstop. The conversation flowed as easily as the drinks. The old men watched on with approval, Charlie smarting the rest of his friends, proud that he had made a successful match.

Logan was gorgeous. His deep ocean blue eyes were mesmerizing. You kept staring at his plump lips unable to help imagining what it would be like to kiss them. To feel them on your skin. You stared, awestruck at his immense size. You wanted to climb him like a tree. You also had a sneaking suspicion he wouldn’t have minded in the slightest.

Charlie came over, patting Logan on the back. “I just wanted to say goodbye. I’m headed out. You kids have fun tonight.”

You jumped up and hugged Charlie tight. “Thank you Charlie.” You whispered in his ear.

He winked back at you and tapped the side of his nose. Logan stood up and shook his hand. You both told him goodnight and goodbye as he shuffled out of the bar.

“I love him. He’s my favorite. But don’t tell the others I said so.” You laughed as you crossed your arms on the table and pushed your cleavage forward.

Logan smiled at you, “I think you’re his favorite too. He’s been telling me about you since you started.”

“What? He has?” You were legitimately completely surprised.

Logan nodded, “Oh yeah. The first night you worked he called me. ‘Logan!” He barked, doing his best Charlie impression, “Logan there’s this new girl at the V. She’s a hot ticket.”

You laughed, “what does that even mean?”

“I have no clue.” He laughed.

His laughter was music to your ears. You could tell by the way he carried himself that what you were witnessing was a rarity. You knew he wasn’t like this with anyone else. He was serious and stern. Manly and in charge. He was a hard ass. You didn’t know why you got to see this side of him, but you loved it.

“Logan. You have to come down to the V. He’d say… she’s built well. Super sweet. You have to come down and meet her before one of the old geezers sets her up with somebody else.’ I loved when he called them old geezers.” Logan smiled as he told you things Charlie had said to him.

Logan zoned out staring at your lips as you laughed.

“What?” You searched his face for answers.

“You’re very beautiful. Your lips are…” he reached out and thumbed your lower lip.

“Kiss her already.” Both you and Logan jumped. They had been too wrapped up staring at each other to notice Frank had marched over. “Don’t let me interrupt. Y/n. I need quarters and Bob is too busy.”

“Sure thing Frank. I’ll be right back.” You took his five dollars and went to the bar.

“We might be old. And you might be the size of a Rhino… but that’s our girl. You better treat her right, you hear me sonny?”

“Yes sir. I hear you.” Logan nodded and shook his hand.

You came back with his quarters in a cup. You rattled it before handing it to him. “Here you are Frank. Can I get you anything else?”

“I’m good doll face. Get back to making eyes at the Rhino.” He waved over his head as he hobbled back to his table.

“Did he just call you a Rhino?” You burst out laughing trying to be quiet about it.

“He did. And to be honest, I’m a little afraid of him.” Logan raised his eyebrows as he pretended to watch his back. “Do you play darts?”

“I do… not well. But I play.” As you looked at him you had to fight the overwhelming urge to lunge forward and wrap your arms around his neck. All you wanted to do was touch him.

“Maybe I can help you. We can wager if you’d like. Might play a little better with some skin in the game.” He looked at you with a curious glance.

“What’ll it be? $20?”

“No. Money is boring. If I win… you have to do tequila shots with me.” He looked up at with only his eyes, it sent shockwaves through you.

“And if I win?” You cocked an eyebrow at him.

“We’ll see.”

You laughed loudly at his response. “Oh ye of little faith. I’ll get the darts.”

You marched defiantly up to the bar to retrieve the darts. You could feel Logan’s eyes on you the entire way. You might have added a little extra swing to your hips than normal. Once at the bar you filled another beer for Logan and watched as he lumbered over to the scoreboard and began cleaning it. You liked the way he ran the room even when he wasn’t trying.

You swallowed hard as you watched him, looking at the ceiling and whispering another ‘Thank you Charlie’ into the universe.

“You’re going down chump!” You postured as you handed him his beer with a smile.

He shook his head and smiled down at you. “Bring it beautiful… let’s see how you do.” He was itching for a reason to touch you. He found his first excuse when you stepped over the line. He reached out and pulled you back by your hips. “Ahh ahh ahhh… over the line sweetheart.”

You looked over your shoulder at him, a grin across your face. “I should get a handicap. You’re enormous.”

Instead of releasing you he moved closer, leaving his hands where they were. Your back pressed to his chest, you craned around to smile at him. Feeling the heat radiate off of his body made you want to shed his clothes. While you were thinking of him, he was breathing in your perfume.

“I’m going to leave you here. Trusting that you won’t go over the line this turn…” he whispered to you before dramatically removing his hands from your waist and backing away. You rolled your eyes in response as you threw the dart.

It was the nearing the end of the game and Logan was most certainly in the lead. You had both been finding reasons to touch each other. You were smiling and laughing and having fun. Anyone watching could tell you were both smitten.

“Listen here beautiful… I’m about two throws away from those body shots. You ready?”

Your mouth dropped open, “Body shots?” You locked your eyes on his, a mischievous grin growing in response.

“Yea. I said tequila shots. That’s body shots. I get to take them off of you, and I get to pick where you take them off of me… that was the bet.”

You laughed, “was that in the uh… fine print?”

“You didn’t read it?” He winked.

“Always skip it… bites me in the ass every time.”

He moved in close, whispering in your ear, “Babygirl… you gotta read the fine print…”

You blushed as he brushed passed you on his way to the line. You watched as the muscles in his arm flexed at the simple motion of throwing a dart. You text the bartender asking for tequila shots. You had a plan.

The waitress delivered the shots and he smiled and nodded at her, thanking her. You reached out and grabbed his left arm, holding his wrist in one hand and the salt shaker in the other, slowly you licked the inside of his forearm and sprinkled salt. You picked up the lime and gingerly placed it between his lips.

“If you’ll be so kind, I have a shot to take.” You seductively smiled at him as he nodded.

You placed a sloppy sucking kiss on his arm where the salt was placed, downed your shot and pulled him in for a kiss, biting the lime out of his lips you quickly sucked it and dropped it out of your mouth, pulling him back in to continue the kiss. His arms immediately wrapped around your waist pulling your body tight against his. He deepened the kiss, moving a single hand down to your butt, palming it firmly with his giant hand.

You pulled back, breaking the kiss, and smiled at him, your arms still around his neck. “Its your turn.”

“This is a sticky predicament… I could go cliche and put my shot glass between your fantastic tits…and lick your neck as my salt…” he trailed off. “But where to put the lime…” he whispered in your ear as he nuzzled your neck, brushing his lips against your pulse point.

You felt your head swim at his close proximity, almost feeling faint.

He took the shot without salt, without lime. He grabbed you and leaned you back, pulling you in for a kiss, dipping you down before standing you back on your feet and patting you on the butt.

The waitress came by for the empty glasses. “Last call sugar… You two want anything else before I close out?”

You shook her head ‘no’, “Thanks Maggie.” You tried to come back down to Earth.

“Sure thing sugar. Looks like you two had fun!”

Logan sat down and pulled you onto his lap. “Did you have fun tonight babygirl?”

You turned and wrapped your arms around his neck, placing a kiss on his cheek. “I sure did. Did you hon?”

“Nights not over yet baby…” he smirked and patted your rear.

“Logan… we just closed down the bar…”

He held out his forearm and pointed to the spot where you licked/kissed him. “See that spot right there?”

“Yeah… that’s where I kissed you.”

“That’s the first place you ever placed those gorgeous lips… and I never want to forget as long as I live.”

You leaned down and kissed it again.

“I'm going to tattoo that on my arm. I know a guy… let’s pay him a visit.” Logan placed two hundred dollars on the table in cash and bounced his knee. You stood up looking at him with a slightly confused stare.

“You’re…you’re g-gonna what?” You stammered.

“We are going to get your lips, tattooed on my arm. Right here. Tonight. You wanna go?”

You laughed and squinted at him, trying to see if he was serious. “Oh you’re serious…” you looked at him sideways.

“As a heart attack. Let’s go, baby. Right now.” He reached out and grabbed your wrist, placing a sweet kiss in your palm, and moving to place a second on your wrist. You looked up at him, an unfamiliar feeling in your chest. Taking your hand in his he led you out of the bar.

I've always had a thing for men with beards, so it’s no surprise I'm immediately attracted to him.

I had seen him before, but only in photos Jeremy brought home — photos did not do that man justice. He's so much more attractive in person.

When we lock eyes, he smiles cockily at me. I can feel myself blushing as I shyly smile back at him, giving a small wave, and he nods in return before refocusing his attention to the game at hand.

A couple people come up to mingle with me, but I keep glancing over to watch him. He's deliberately checking me out — oh, he knows I have my eyes on him in return, and my stomach flutters.

As I hear the game come to an end, I go grab myself another drink from the makeshift bar near the patio.

I'm pouring my drink when I hear a deep Texan accent rumble behind me. “Well if it ain’t my best friend’s baby sister.”

His voice startles me enough to cause me to drop my cup, spilling the liquid across the grass.

Goddamnit, Syverson!

“Shit,” I mumble before turning around to face him. “I have a name, you know.”

“Sorry, didn't mean to scare ya. It's Callie, right?” He stifles a laugh, picking up my now empty cup from the ground and tossing it into the nearby garbage can. “Let me get ya another, darlin'. What’d ya have?”

“Yeah. Jack and Coke, please,” I fold my arms over my chest, narrowing my eyes at him. “How do you know my name?”

“Jer talks ‘boutcha a lot,” He mixes the drink, focusing on it as he speaks. “Good choice, by the way. I’m more of a bourbon man myself, but—”

He hands it to me when finished, his gaze meeting my disgruntled one. “Hey, what the hell’s that look about? I apologized, didn’t I?”

“I’m not one to forgive easily.” I tease, wanting him to work for my forgiveness.

“It’s just a lil drink, darlin’.”

“A little drink? How do you know I didn’t have the perfect ratio of Jack to Coke in there?” And I'm not your “darlin”.

“Because, if you taste the one I made ya, you’d change your mind. No need to get your panties in a bunch.”

“Who said I'm wearing any?” I smirk widely before taking a sniff of the drink - it's decent, but I don't sip on it just yet.

“I– damn, woman,” He actually blushes, stifling a laugh as he now makes himself a drink. “Just taste the damn thing, will ya?”

Hold up. I just made this hunk of a man blush? Holy shit.

“Don’t tell me what to do, Syverson. I’m not one of your soldiers.” I reply, biting my lip seductively. What has gotten into me?!

He thinks for a second, darting his tongue out to lick his lips. “Alright, I’ll tell ya what… let me make it up to you.”

“And how exactly will you do that?”

“Lemme take ya on a date. A proper date.”

My heart fucking races, but I somehow manage to keep my cool.

“Well wait a minute now… I don’t even know your name.” I prop my hands on my hips. Well, that's partially true… I only know he’s Captain Syverson, and goes by Sy of course. No clue what his first name is though. Hell, does he even have one?

“Bullshit,” He retorts, folding his arms across his wide chest. “Surely ya know my damn name… you just called me by my last name not even thirty seconds ago!”

I laugh — getting him worked up like this is too much fun. “Hey, I don’t know your first name, just that you go by Sy.”

He sighs, hesitant to respond. “Maybe I’ll tell ya if this date goes well.”

“Well, I think you should be asking my brother whether he minds you taking his baby sister out on a date.” I taunt, letting out a small laugh.

“Would ya rather I go ask him?”

No. I'd much rather die than let my brother make relationship decisions for me. But Sy doesn't need to know that.

“That’s up to you, Captain. He’s not my keeper, but if you ever hurt me, he’ll whoop your ass.”

“Oh, I ain’t scared of him,” He chuckles, “Besides, I’d never intentionally hurt a sweet lil thing like you, Sugar.”

“Ha! We’ll have to see about that.”

Though I wouldn't mind if he keeps complimenting me…

“About what? You bein’ sweet?”

“Mhm.” I glance up at him as I finally take a sip of my new Jack & Coke he made me. It’s good, but no way in hell am I admitting that to him.

His confidence is unshakable and certainly matches his appearance — strong and rugged. As I peer into those cobalt eyes of his, there's a glint of sweetness… and a little speck of brown in his left. Isn't that called heterochromia or something like that? Whatever it is, it’s cute.

“You know, this drink isn't half bad. Not as good as mine, but decent enough to consider your offer.” I flash him a sly smile before winking at him, disappearing into the crowd to find Jeremy, leaving him staring dumbfoundedly after me.

“There you are, Cal!” My brother finds me, gripping my upper arm. “Where have you been?”

“Okay, ow. I, uh… was getting a drink, but got ran into by a certain friend of yours.”

“Ah, so you met Sy.” He laughs, letting go of my arm. Thank goodness.

“He made me drop my drink,” I say with a pout. “Scared the shit outta me.”

“Oh, you poor thing,” He replies sarcastically. “I’m sure he didn’t mean to.”

“He at least made me a new one, though.” I flash a cheesy grin, holding up my cup.

Before he could respond, a deep, gruff and familiar voice calls his name — it's Sy, now standing behind him.

"Hey. We need two more for cornhole. You guys down?”

I meet his eyes again, and he gives me a failed wink before reverting his attention to Jeremy. My stupid stomach does cartwheels again, damnit. Why's he have to be so handsome? Ugh.

Jeremy nods, looking at me to make sure. “Alright, why not?”

“Cornhole? I’m in.” I down the rest of my drink, feeling the whiskey burning my throat as I swallow.

“Atta girl.” Sy smirks at me, leading us both over to the boards near the edge of the fenced yard.

I line myself up across from Jeremy to pair up with him and begin gathering the small bean bags for us to throw.

“Oh no, darlin’, you’re on my team.” Sy says to me as he trades places with Jeremy, slapping him on the shoulder as they pass each other. He gives him a strange look, but doesn't question it as he lines up with their other friend whose name I can't remember.

“Um, okay.” I blush and anxiously bite my lip, shifting my weight between each leg.

Me and Sy do surprisingly well, easily beating the other team by a landslide. Jeremy and his friend are sore losers, because of course they are. They walk away, cursing and talking shit, which leaves me alone with Sy again.

“You’re not half bad, darlin’.” He raises a thick eyebrow at me.

“What, just cause I’m a girl I can’t be good at cornhole?” I tease, propping my hands back on my hips.

“No, of course not. That’s not what I meant. Will ya just take a damn compliment?”

I got him worked up again. Love that for me. “Relax, Sy. I’m just messing with you.”

“Ya better be.” He takes one large stride toward me, glaring down at me.

I immediately get turned on by the way he makes me feel small, in comparison to his broad frame. I'm by no means a short girl, standing at a solid 5’10”, but his build is enough alone to make me feel tiny.

This hardly ever happens to me! How tall is he, I wonder… at least 6’3” if I had to guess. He just keeps getting more and more appealing as the night goes on, damnit.

“Are you trying to intimidate me? If so, it’s not working.” I grin, licking my lips as I cross my arms across my chest. His eyes dart to my mouth, a quick glimpse of desire crossing his face. Oh, it's so on.

“Nah, just wanted to get a better look at ya,” He cocks a smile, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. His fingers even brush the side of my face. Weak. I am weak!

“So. Have you given any more thought to that date?”

I haven't thought about it, to be quite honest — though I obviously already wanted to say yes the moment he’d asked. But what fun would that be if I didn't make him work for it? Although…

“Okay, okay, if it’ll shut you up.”

“Knew ya couldn’t resist ol’ Sy.” He grins.

Ol' Sy? How old is this guy?

“Oh, hush.”

Dear Diary,

Today was Jeremy's 30th birthday party. I didn't want to go because we usually do our own thing, but this is his first birthday back home for the first time in a few years, so I felt like I owed it to him to be there.

I'm so glad I went… because I met the most annoyingly handsome guy there. He was charming, admittedly. But he's Jeremy's best friend. And an Army guy too… Captain ??? Syverson, but he goes by Sy… weird.

I remember right after Jeremy joined, he made me swear I'd never date one of them. So he's technically off limits… but I don't really care.

He'd said “They just jump straight to marriage, don't you even think about dating one, Cal. They only want the extra benefits they get from being married. Don't fuckin’ do it.”

But... then Sy asked me out and it made me throw all of that out the window.

Jeremy's probably going to kill me. It's fine.

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You curled up to him on the couch, tucking yourself under his arm. “I don’t mean to pull the “army wife” card, but I didn’t ask for a lot, for years. Just that you come home to me. And now I’m asking for this. We have five month, baby. You’re getting stronger every day. Use it as something to work towards. For me, Captain Syverson?”

That’s all it took-- he turned to you with a sigh, a twitch of a grin on his lips behind that beard. “Shit, honey. You know there ain’t nothin’ I wouldn’t do for you. You gonna abuse that for the rest of our lives?”

You laughed, a hand on the nape of his neck as you pulled him in for a kiss. “You can do the same to me.”

He grunted when your other hand moved to that deliciously thick thigh, squeezing gently. “You fuckin’ know I will, sugar.”

He did so, so well. The wedding was small, intimate and filled with family and the group of friends and soldiers still around. Sy looked so handsome-- he’d trimmed the beard, his curls grown out a bit and brushed into place. You’d never seen him in a suit, let alone a tux before, and had to clutch onto your dad’s arm particularly hard to stop your legs from giving out when you saw him standing up there.

You only caught him wincing twice throughout the entire ceremony and the walk to the wedding party table. The reception was on the land Sy had bought a few years ago, close enough to hear the waves from the Gulf of Mexico down the road. The Texas sunset was beautiful, but you hardly noticed it, too focused on Sy.

He couldn’t keep his eyes off you, either. He raised your intertwined hands to his lips, pressing a kiss right below your wedding ring.

“I love you.” You smiled, choking back tears once again. Thank god for waterproof mascara or the ceremony would have left you looking like the Joker. “I love you, too, baby. I’m so glad you’re here.”

He knew what you meant-- here, at your wedding. Here, at home. Here, in your arms. There were a few close calls over the years, and he knew he’d put you through hell. Which is why he didn’t feel nearly as pained as he carefully stood up and kept your hand in his.

“Dance with me?”

Your eyes shined, and you broke out into the widest grin yet. You were serious when you asked him to try to dance for you, but you really wouldn’t have held it against him if he wasn’t feeling up to it. In fact, you were kind of expecting him to not be ready for it. “Really?”

He nodded, his slight limp barely noticeable as he led you to the dance floor with a hand on the small of your back. A song started playing, and suddenly the floor got empty, just the twinkling of the fairy lights and the setting sun illuminating the floor. 

But you rescued me from reachin' for the bottom And brought me back from being too far gone

You rested one hand on Sy’s shoulder, your cheek pressed down beside it as he held your other hand and slowly swayed you to the music. It was barely dancing; his left leg was still fucked, and he wasn’t a dancer even under the best circumstances. But it was good enough for you, and your closed your eyes to listen to his heartbeat in time with the song.

You're as smooth as Tennessee whiskey You're as sweet as strawberry wine You're as warm as a glass of brandy And honey, I stay stoned on your love all the time

You felt Sy rest his cheek on the top of your head, squeezing your hand a little harder. It occurred to you that maybe this moment meant just as much to him as it did to you-- he was in the middle of a war for most of his life. His head still went back there too often, and it wasn’t always easy to be with him. He probably never imagined he would get something like this.

And he didn’t. As Sy held you in his arms, it hit him that he almost died less than a year ago. As he laid there in the dust and blood in a country hundreds of miles from you, all he could think of was never hearing your laugh again, never touching your lips, never getting to call you his wife and make you a mother and make good on all the promises he made under cover of stars and sheets in between deployments. 

But when you poured out your heart I didn't waste it 'Cause there's nothing like your love to get me high

You lifted your head and rested your hand on his face, your thumb brushing under his eye. He didn’t even realize he was crying until you gave him an equally watery smile, laughing together.

Everything blurred around you, and the whole world narrowed down to you and Sy, not even dancing anymore, just holding each other close and listening to the song winding down. 

You're as smooth as Tennessee whiskey Tennessee whiskey Tennessee whiskey

You leaned in and kissed him, this man who was now your husband, this strong and virile Special Forces army man who turned into a purring mess in your hands, thanking god for bringing him home to you. Sy was smooth, and sweet, and warm-- and rough, and hardened and protective in a way that made your toes curl. 

A month later you received the first phone call from him since his departure. He would have to stay until their objective was complete. Meaning there was no way he, or anyone else, could tell you when he would be home.

Over the next three months you, and the rest of the Syverson family tried like mad to make sure Sy would be home on the day of your induction.

The Army seemed to want the Captain to be there to witness the birth of his child almost as much as the rest of his family. Yet, given the location and the degree of difficulty pf this mission, he wasn’t going to be easily tracked down. Even with the powers that be making great efforts to get in contact with anyone on, or nearby, the Special Forces team that Sy was leading.

As fate would have it, your little one had different plans anyway. You went into labor two weeks early. They couldn’t reach Sy in time. He called you on a grainy Skype call two days later.

“Oh, Mama,” his breath caught as he spoke, “you did good. You did so good, sweetheart.” He beamed with pride over you and his little one. The two of you talked for a few more minutes before he called over someone passing by. “Hey Tommy, you wanna meet my kid?”

*

Two months later. You’d grown accustomed to the late night feedings, the mountains of diapers, and being spit up on. Not to mention you’d almost cracked the code behind your son's confusing cries.

Tonight was a bit different.

You woke to an odd noise and blindly reached for your phone. In your delirious, sleepy haze you tried to shush the ringing cell phone under your patting hand as if it were your baby.

When you realized what you were doing you rolled your eyes at yourself. Waking fully you reached again for your now silent phone on the nightstand.

The dim screen boasted the picture of you with Sy at the going away party his parents had held at their home. You were both in a Charlie’s Angels pose holding NERF guns. You couldn’t stop laughing long enough to make it a serious pose; Sy on the other hand wore the perfect war face.

The large white numbers read 2:12, beneath them in the notification bubble:

Sy

Missed Call

Your heart flip flopped. Quickly sitting up you jostled the sleeping infant next to you. Letting out a small startled cry, he calmed after hearing your soothing voice. Cradling him close to you caused him to root against your milk swollen breast so you offered to nurse.

You had planned to call Sy back as soon as your son was settled but he beat you to it. Before it even really rang you answered.

“Sy?!” You spoke excitedly in a hushed tone.

“Hey darlin’,” you melted hearing that deep southern drawl. “I didn’t wake ya now did I?”

“Yeah. It’s alright, it was almost time to feed him anyway. Is everything ok?”

“Yeah, just wanted to call you while I had the chance.”

You smiled. Hearing his voice, no matter how far away, would always make you feel like everything was right in the world.

“I’m glad you did. We’ve missed you.” You looked down into the most beautiful blue eyes you had ever seen. Little one was definitely going to look like his father.

“I’ve missed you both so much, darlin.”

Putting it on speaker you sat the phone back over on the nightstand. You sat back against the headboard and listened to Sy talk for a minute, realizing how clear his words were. Normally the service there was iffy at best.

“How’s our little one?”

“Good! He’s nursing now.”

“I thought I could hear those little grunts. Hungry little guy, aren't ya pal?"

Chuckling softly you looked down at your beautiful little boy. You heard the faint, but unmistakable sound of keys jingling together. Before you could ask him what he was doing he interrupted your thoughts.

“The Thompson’s never patched that hole in their garage door did they?”

“Nah, Janice told me Bill was going to, but their new dog likes running in and out of there like it’s a doggy door.”

Sy laughed. It wasn't a big laugh but it made your eyes well up with tears. You missed him like crazy.

“You know what we need?”

You made a soft hmm sound while checking on your son.

“Somma those solar light things for the driveway. Make it easier to see what the hell I'm doing out here in the dark. Wow, the rose bush really has really taken off.”

It was cute; Sy was being Sy again. He wasn’t grumpy or sad right now. He was rambling things off like he would if he were home. This conversation didn't feel rushed or crowded.

It was intimate, quiet.

Quiet.

No static. No iffy service.

Realization hit you.

“Sy, Missed call.”

That call had come from his personal phone.

When he was deployed it was either a foreign number or a blocked number that showed up. In Sy’s words, his personal phone was a ‘glorified paper weight’ out there.

He’s home.

“Sy?” Your voice caught in your throat.

“Yes baby?”

Your ears perked up instantly listening for any signs of your husband.

“Are you…” you trailed off.

You could faintly hear the front door opening slowly downstairs.

“Am I?” He asked with a calm, playful cheerfulness.

You heard the unmistakable thud of his worn combat boots on the hardwood.

You couldn’t speak. You just silently wept with joy.

Hearing his footsteps on the stairs you wondered if this was only a dream that you would eventually wake from. No this was real and the anticipation was killing you.

The top step. No matter what, Sy would always step on the creaky spot. It was like he couldn't avoid it no matter how he tried.

You waited.

*CREAK*

A whisper of “shit..” crescendoed into the phone and through the hall. You tried not to laugh too loud as your son's eyes had just begun to flutter back to sleep.

The phone disconnected as you saw his large silhouette enter the door frame. He paused for a moment; breathing in the smells of home, taking in the sight of you nursing his newborn son.

The bedroom floor groaned under his weight as he came closer, just as it always had. Sy undid his belt, his pants hit the floor at the foot of the bed. Shucking off his gray Army t-shirt, he climbed in under the covers to lay beside you.

You watched him carefully. His eyes had only left yours once since he walked in. You wiped the tears from your face as he settled in beside you. Sy looked down at the content, beautiful little boy that the two of you had made.

Sy reached out with a shaky hand. He wanted so badly to touch him but he was afraid.

“Can I?"

You nodded, "of course you can."

“I won’t hurt him or nothin’, will I?” His hand hovered over his face. “I won’t wake him?”

“Oh honey. No, you won’t hurt him. It’ll be ok if you wake him. He’s pretty good about sleeping though.”

Sy’s fingers gently stroked the top of his son’s head. He marveled at the amount of hair he had and you reminded him of all the times you complained with heartburn.

You just thought you couldn't be more in love with Sy. He leaned over and kissed the sleeping boy's forehead. Your son rewarded him with a brilliant Syverson smile.

“Are you ready to hold him?

Sy smiled bigger than you’d seen in months.

“Yeah.” He sat up on the bed as you turned to present him with his son. Placing the little boy in his arms you looked up to see Sy doing something you’d never seen.

Sy was crying. Unashamed, tears of joy poured down your war hero's chiseled face. His breath hitched as he spoke to his son for the first time.

“Hey little guy. I’m your dad.” More tears sprang forward for you both when his little hand grasped Sy’s wide finger.

“Welcome home, Daddy.” You whispered before kissing his cheek.

***

Homecoming 🍑

Time seemed to freeze upon seeing them walking up my driveway. Watching the men cross the large bay window, I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces as their attire confirmed who I thought they were. Captain Devin Marx and Chaplain Reedy. There is only one detail that I could think of that would call for cause to have the chaplain present. I felt the chill in my skin as my body broke out into a sudden sweat from the anxiety running through me. Blood rushed to my head drowning out the sound of their knocking. My breathing coming in short bursts while my heart began to beat so hard against my chest.

The shrill sound of the doorbell snagged my attention bringing me back to the present. I looked down at the knife I was gripping so tightly my knuckles began to change color, quickly placing it down on the cutting board before heading towards the front door. With shaking hands I reached out for the door handle, taking an unsteady breath as I pulled it open revealing the two soldiers in their dress blues.

“Good morning, Mrs. Syverson,” Devin greeted.

I could hear the tremble in his voice. This was going to be difficult for him as well. He and Erik were the best of friends. I met his wife Stacy not long after they got stationed here. The two of us hit it off almost immediately and I ended up inviting them for drinks later that night. When Erik came home from work he told me about the new Captain he met and how he also invited them out for drinks. Since then the four of us grew close as siblings and I assumed that Devin volunteered for this detail. Despite the complete agony I would feel in a moment, I was grateful that it was a familiar face delivering the news.

“M-may we come in?” He stammered.

I almost lost it with his stutter, but I held back, forcing myself to breathe. Not trusting my voice I nodded quickly and stepped aside to allow the men to enter. They removed their hats as they crossed the threshold and waited for me to close the door before following me into the living room. I gestured to the large sofa for them to sit on while I perched on the love seat across from them.

Fidgeting with my outgrown nails I glanced at Devin’s hands as he wrung his beret within his fists. Something that my Erik does when he’s nervous or anxious.

Did.

Does?

The silence grew deafening as I allowed Devin time to compose himself. My heart slamming against my rib cage with every passing second. It felt like hours before Devin started his scripted speech.

“The secretary of the Army has asked me to express her deep regret that your husband, Erik Syverson, was-” He swallowed hard and my hand flew to my mouth, “was killed-,” I let out a sob that sounded more like a yelp, “in action while on a mission in Kuwait. The details of which are still being investigated. The Secretary of the Army expresses her deepest sympathies to you and your family for your tragic loss.” He rushed through the ending his sobs fighting to break through.

I closed my eyes, the tears I had been holding back for so long spilling over in a waterfall down my cheeks. I was intimately aware that this could happen. I held it in the back of my mind everyday since I first saw Erik Syverson, in his uniform, smile from across the bar. I knew this was always a possibility. I lived around soldiers my entire life and I tried my hardest to avoid falling in love with one of them for this exact reason. I never believed that I was strong enough to cope with news such as this, I still don’t believe it. I knew I had to be strong though, he would have wanted me to be strong but I was struggling. I took a deep shaky breath as he finished speaking.

Lifting my head I offered the men a soft smile, “Thank you, gentlemen.” My voice slightly wobbling on the end. I pulled back a sob as I felt my soul breaking. My legs felt wobbly, I knew they wouldn’t hold me up and I couldn’t collapse just yet. My hands were shaking so I held tightly to my torso because I couldn’t shatter just yet.

Devin leaned forward reaching for my hand, “Aaliyah-” I put my finger up to stop him. I knew whatever he was going to say would break my resolve and I couldn’t break, not yet, I couldn’t accept it just yet. I didn’t want to.

“Is there anything else?” I asked with a calming breath.

Chaplain Reedy had been silent through out all of this. He kept his head down but when I glanced over at him I could see his lips moving as if he were praying. He started when he realized that we both were looking at him. He turned and pulled out a manila envelope from beside him emptying it’s contents and gently placing them on the coffee table as he explained what they were. Appointments to be made to have his things signed over and delivered. Who to contact about Widow’s Benefits and a few other things I would need to know regarding the death of my husband.

Widow.

Interesting.

I barely heard any of it, I only cared about when my Sy would come home to me.

“The plane carrying the,” Reedy paused quickly looking over at Devin and second guessing the word he was about to say, “the Captain and his unit is scheduled to arrive by the end of the month.” He neatly stacked the papers on top of the envelope and gently pushed them closer to me. “If I may, Mrs. Syverson.” I looked him in the eye and felt my breathing begin to go jagged, “I am truly sorry for your loss. I spoke with Captain Syverson a time or two when he would pass by the chapel. We shared some very...enlightening ideas. He was a very good and honest man.”

Was.

“You know,” I finally said after a long pause to collect myself, “I kept telling Erik that he needed to retire so that he could be home more,” I scoffed at the memory, “and so I wouldn’t have to worry about him going to war. He told me that he was going to really consider it once he got back.” I chuckled at the irony.

With a sense of finality I cleared my throat and stood from my seat. The men followed suit and I walked them back to the front door. I held it open for them as they exited. Devin turned back to me and reached for my hand once his hat was properly placed back on his head.

“I’ll send Stacy over in a moment.” I nodded as I choked back a sob. I could barely see him as the tears welled up in my eyes. The dam had crumbled. The flood was imminent, “If you need anything, anything at all, do not hesitate to call us.”

“Thank you, Devin,” I whispered, before giving him a quick hug and closing the door as he turned to leave.

I leaned back against the door and felt everything begin to break. From my head to my toes I felt my entire being begin to crumble. As if I were made of sand I felt my body dissolve from beneath me as I slid to the floor. I finally allowed the cry that I had been holding in consume me as it reverberated off of the, now, too empty walls of my home.

***

I stood on the tarmac next to the airplane with the other surviving spouses. We held each other’s hands as we awaited the conveyor belt to finish being brought up to the cargo hold. Mother Nature must have felt the sadness in the air, for it began to drizzle while we waited. I could feel the eyes of the passengers behind us waiting for their flight in the warmth of the dry airport. Surely someone on the loud speaker would have told them to turn and look at us, so of course they would want to point and stare.

I saw movement out of the corner of my eye and heard the scraping of metal from the plane. I could only stare as the first casket came into view. My body went numb, I barely felt the woman next to me squeeze my hand. The buzzing in my head was so loud I didn’t hear when the honor guard was called to attention. As Erik Syverson was the highest-ranked, he came out first. I felt cold, frozen in place, but not once did my eyes ever leave his casket. I watched with heavy breaths as The Captain led his charges one last time.

He stopped in front of me and I stepped forward with the rest of the spouses. I placed my hand on the cold, hard, wood, draped over with the cotton banner.

“Hey, Sugar.” I greeted him, my voice shaky. I was doing my best to maintain my composure, “Welcome home.”

With my hand shaking, I braced myself as I leaned forward and placed my lips against his casket and lost the battle of choking back the sobs. The bugler began to play “Taps” and I nearly lost my balance. Reaching my other hand out I braced myself against the conveyor belt trying to hold myself steady, fearing they would pull me away from him too soon. I felt the tears I had been holding back this entire time well up in my eyes and begin to spill over. Silent sobs escaped my body as the music continued.

So consumed in my grief I didn’t hear when the song ended, I only felt someone come up behind me and touch my lower back. I snapped back to reality and stepped back, wiping my face on a black handkerchief with gold embroidery, to allow the honor guard to grab onto the casket. I placed a hand to my swollen belly and willed myself to follow them as they loaded him into the hearse.

There he sat… deep in the bottle once again. Drink after drink after drink…. Rinse and repeat. Then there was you. So beautiful, so understanding, and yet… Sy could tell it was breaking you. Chipping away at that sweet exterior he’d always loved so much. He couldn’t take it, so he pushed you away.

His last deployment had been the hardest of his entire career. It left him fighting demons, ones too dark for you to even imagine. You did your best for him, but he didn’t deserve it so one day he sent you away. “I don’t understand,” you sobbed in his driveway. “I know you don’t darlin’, but you just… deserve so much better. Right now I can’t give you that,” Sy told you. He tried to reach out and dry a tear when you jerked away harshly. “How dare you. How fucking dare you,” you screamed.

He knew he deserved it. You’d been with him nearly half your lives. You’d loved him, waited faithfully through every deployment. He’d had every intention of coming home and proposing, he’d even chosen the ring before he left, but now… he was so broken he just couldn’t break you too. “It’s kinder to let you go darlin’ can’t you—,” he tried before you stopped him. “I can’t believe you,” you hiccuped before getting in your car and driving away.

That night he drank himself damn near to death he imagined. He loved you so much, but he loved you enough to let you go. Over the next few months he kept trying to convince himself it was for the best, hell he even tried to convince himself he didn’t love you anymore, but it was just a lie. Finally he’d had enough of his own shit. He cleaned all the liquor out of his house. He was going to quit… to be better.

He’d been doing well for a while. He stopped drinking, stopped thinking about you so much. Until one particular night. He couldn’t stop thinking about you. He thought just maybe if he built up a little courage he could show up at your house. He didn’t make it that night.

Another week went by and he fell back into his old vice. Whisky over ice, then another, and another until finally he couldn’t stand it anymore. He knew he couldn’t drive so he took off walking the two miles to your house. When he got to your front yard, he was surprised to find you sitting on the porch, drink of your own in hand. When he got to the walkway he couldn’t help but fall to his knees.

You approached him tentatively, before running a hand over his buzzed head. His eyes fluttered shut as he let out a breath he’d been holding. “Darlin’ i— it’s been killin’ me. I—,” he stammered. “I’ve been waiting for you,” you told him. His hands reached out to pull you close before his arms circled your waist. “I’m sorry,” he sobbed into you. “I know baby,” you replied. You didn’t at first. You were hurt and angry, but with time, reflection, and support from family and friends you realized how bad things actually were.

Before his deployment he was the ideal partner. Always so giving, so loving, and passionate. Whatever he’d been through had to be horrific. It had to change him in ways you couldn’t truly understand because your Sy never would’ve let you go, but deep down you knew you still loved him and he loved you. You could only have hoped for this moment when he’d find his way back to you.