e 🤸‍♂️

but then that voice is no longer just a voice, but a person named petey who shares your humour and looks out for you and eventually becomes your best friend. a best friend that’s you’re with almost every minute of your existence until one day he’s gone.

you’re not allowed to grieve, because petey’s not dead, he’s just not here. you don’t even know what grief is. so you just do as you’re told and look after the new hire and try to be for her what petey was for you. And you think you’re doing a good job, she shares your humour as well. sure, she gets herself (and you) in a lot of trouble but her antics bring out a more rebellious side in you. She also makes you feel butterflies in your stomach and when you manage to make her smile or laugh it’s better than any perk lumon could offer.

and then you open the elevator to find her hanging by the neck. when she survives you’re desperate to make sure she doesn’t do it again. lumon tells you to make your eyes kind but you don’t even know what that means, so instead you tell her the truth, that you’re glad she’s here with you. somehow, that works, and the two of you get closer. And when you think you might never see her again, she kisses you.

then you get a glimpse of your outie’s life. you find out that you do have things you care about up there, but the thing you care most about has been down there with you the whole time. and you’re confused because you’ve never felt anything for miss casey, nothing like what you feel for helly, which is what you tell helly when you miraculously get to see her again. she’s acting a little strange, but you brush it off; you’ve all been through a lot.

but helly still laughs at your jokes and makes you laugh in return and looks at you like she’s waiting for you to make a move, so you do, you boldly sneak into her tent and the two of you have sex, and you think it’s the best thing you’re ever experienced until the next morning when it’s revealed that it wasn’t helly at all, it was her outie; the same outie who told her she wasn’t a person. the outie she hates so much she hung herself in an elevator.

you feel sick, violated, betrayed, but also guilty for not having been able to tell them apart even though irving could. Outies must be so smart, since helena was able to act so much like helly, was able to trick you into thinking she felt something for you, when really she was just spying. then again, it had felt so real when she said she didn’t like who she was on the outside. when helly asks you if it was different with her, you don’t answer.

and then you’re in a strange cabin and miss cobel is there and you get to talk to your outie, and he offers you everything you used to dream of, a life outside lumon, memories of a childhood and a family and a home. But you realize you don’t want any of those things if they would mean losing helly. plus, you don’t even trust your outie to follow through with his promise. you understand now that there is weight in ending an innie’s life. it mattered when it happened to petey, burt and irving, and it will matter when it happens to you, helly and dylan.

still, when you look at miss casey and she’s yelling your name though the door, begging you to open it, you will yourself to summon the feelings of love for her that severance has deprived you of. But as hard as you try, you can’t feel anything but sympathy for the woman in front of you. and then you hear helly’s voice and you turn around and you realize there’s nothing, no logic, no survival instinct strong enough to convince you to leave her. So you don’t. you take her hand and you run.