he listens. jon listens because thatโs the best he can do. after all these years of holding on, he had to admit that he was exhausted. exhausted of hoping and of dreaming and of telling himself he needed to last just a little bit longer and then theyโd get a chance at what they both wanted. jon was exhausted and so her words felt like salvation. over a decade had he held on and thought he and victoria could actually work. but there it was. the answer to everything he had been looking for. victoria didnโt love him. not anymore. shoulders that had been tense now fall down, hanging low as blue hues look back at her. eyes burn but he doesnโt want to cry. god, all he does is crying all the time. jon wants to be strong about this just one time. but he knows the second that she finishes, he probably wonโt last. he lost victoria without ever truly having her.ย
throat is cleared in an attempt to get emotions under control but the massive chaos in his head wins this fight. frowning heavily, jon closes eyes for a brief second, shakes his head as if he tries putting thoughts in order again. no success.ย โsee.โ he tries to speak.ย โthis is where we are different.โ half a smile finds his lips but it never reaches his eyes. instead, blue orbs leave her face and he looks down at his shoes, unable to hold her gaze when he is about to make himself this vulnerable.ย โi love you.โ words leave his mouth but he knows it means nothing. not as long as she doesnโt feel the same for him.ย
jon knows he owes an explanation. heโs been swallowing what he thinks for almost half his life now. with vic already having slipped from his fingers, he at least needs to find redemption in saying what he thinks about their situation.ย โyou speak about blame and how there is no use in putting it on either of us. then put it on the both of us anyway and give me all these reasons to feel guilty and to feel bad for you because my silence forced you to do all these things. i appreciate your apology. i wish your words would follow suit.โ a statement that leaves his lips hardly but the dirty blond has to stand his ground too and has to speak whatโs on his mind โ what has been on his mind. for a decade.ย โwhen i left, i left for us. so i could be better. so i could become a proper adult. so we could have a perspective. i didnโt deserve you. i was a horrible teenager. i needed to change in order to be enough. today, i think i would be enough. i would be good for you. maybe i would be the best for you. better than he.โ
bottom lip trembles. this time not only because of the heavy stutter with which he speaks. but because emotions start overwhelming him. this is why he never spoke to her about it. he was in too deep. much deeper than he liked to admit. again, throat is cleared. does it help? not really. but it gives him a bit of time.ย โbut i respect your decision. and your marriage. and all that he is doing for you. itโs a good thing you learned to love somebody because i was never there when i should have been. all this, where you ended up, this is good. and you deserve it. but you know what i donโt deserve? i donโt deserve you asking me to stay when you know itโs breaking me. so please donโt do that to me. with that ring on your finger, please donโt try to hold my hand and please donโt kiss my cheek because, victoriaโโ he pauses to take a deep breath, canโt fight back wetness in the corner of his eyes anymore and the trembling of his voice.ย โbecause i love you, victoria. and itโs not helping me to get over this feeling when you treat me like there is still a chance you could be mine.โย
jon squeezes eyes shut for a second, doesnโt want to feel the cold wetness on his cheeks now but really, itโs too late anyway.ย โi respect that you found happiness. so please respect that i have to let go. i want to be happy too.โ a goal so far out of reach and yet, the oldest hawthorne child fought for it every day.