𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐥𝐥 / 𝑯𝑼𝑴𝑨𝑵

cup of tea is emptied and he takes the thermos into free hand for a little refill. “somestimes a conversation with a stranger feels better because its ... neutral, right?” hawthorne feels corner of mouth tugging upwards. she felt the same as he did about their talk. and that was a good sign. “oh please. you don’t owe me anything. you gave me just what i apparently gave you so ... let’s say we’re even, hm?”

deep breath is taken as he prepares for the next hit. “you don’t want to sleep with josie. huh. odd. do you want to sleep with me then?” thumb brushes up over naked skin exposed just above the neck of theodore’s shirt. movement is slow, almost suggest it. will isn’t sure where this is leading. what it means. but he wants to find out. he wants to provoke. he wants to be in trouble. this seems like a good way to get there. “it sure would be more entertaining than work, theo ...” irishman hums from behind him. 

dirty blond leans back on seating, admires the smile on her face for a moment. when was the last time he had felt this happy? huh. he couldn’t remember. “uhm.” fumbling with words, he finally manages to squeeze out the sentence. “i made it myself.” jonathan admits. he looks back at soft features for a moment before he feels too embarrassed to take the present seriously anymore. “it’s horrible, i know.” trying to play it off as a bit of a joke, he laughs awkwardly. “when the snowstorm came by you spoke about candles so i thought it’d be a present you could at least use. and hey, the more you use it the less you have of it until it’s eventually gone.” jon offers now. 

“mate, all i can tell you with women is ... try looking for the mistake on your end first. if you can’t find one? then there is your decision. you don’t want to stick around somebody who will make you feel like crap for no reason. we’re men, eh? we make a mistake, we apologize and we move on. women are a lot more complex than that. maybe ask yourself why she hasn’t opened up. did you make her feel like she can trust you? did you open up about how you feel?” will questions, taking another sip from the bottle of water in his hands.

“i’m not going to pick sides here. unfortunately i can’t make the decision for you either. just keep in mind, phoenix is your friend. not adriana’s. and you and adriana, excuse my harsh way of expressing this, you’re nothing. you guys don’t date, you’re not in a relationship. if i was in her shoes i also wouldn’t feel like i owed it to either of you to be any nicer than i felt like. whatever path you end up taking, just make sure you’re happy with it. be egoistical in this situation. just for once. your heart needs it. you’re a good man. you’ll make the right decision.” hand claps his friend on the back to encourage him. 

when she told him she wouldn’t ask him to stay, tears stopped to come. they stopped running down his face, expression became hard, posture stiff. emotions were swallowed. jon’s will was broken. survival mode kicked in. good little soldier. he had slipped there for a moment. had thought he had somebody in front of him whom he could trust with his feelings. but all of him meant nothing to her. and maybe her rubbing into his face how good her life was now had been exactly what he needed. her enjoying to trample on his heart was the price he had to pay. what had once been love started turning into something much uglier. something dark and disgusting. vic lost access too his heart at this moment. she didn’t deserve to hear one more thing he had to say and quite frankly this was proof enough for him that he’d been right not to open up to her in the first place. her feelings mattered the most to her and he’d been too willing to give himself up for far too long. 

there was nothing he wanted to let her know. nothing he wanted to comment on. hot tears dried. jon’s heart felt cold. this was what it felt like to be a hawthorne. distant and detached from all good things in life. detached from love. and victoria brought that out of him. she brought to the surface that in fact he did share blood with his family. that he too was filled with spite and bitterness.

“okay.” tone is a voice from far away now. hollow and empty. the emotions that shook him so violently just shortly ago got stacked into a place where probably only his therapist would dig them out from again. whatever. just another scar on top of many other scars his soul carried. what else was he supposed to say anyway? congratulate her? after all that she had thrown against him just like that? without a care in the world for what it might possibly do to him? in contrast to her, jon wouldn’t try making her feel guilty. he wouldn’t use her own feelings against her.

sick to his stomach, mouth dry, eyes burning from feelings that had overwhelmed him, jon left the gallery. lovely, how fragile the heart of a warrior can be. a heart is a burden. he should have listened to the words of his father for once. 

fingers point at the lingerie she had unpacked shortly before that. “and then you can wear this for me too.” jonathan finds himself excited at the thought of going on vacation with her. for once they’d have their privacy. for once, they could fully focus on each other without paparazzi cameras on them, without sneaking and hiding what they were really doing. and for once, he would get a chance to wake up next to her. seneca wouldn’t be gone in the morning and he wouldn’t be alone. wouldn’t have to feel dirty by himself for what the night prior had brought to them. “so what do you think? can you come?”

he is silent for a moment, hesitation because he knows zach trusts his word so he wants to say the right thing. “if phoenix is your best friend she won’t be angry at you. it’s what friends do, you know? you fight and you make up. that’s why it’s a friendship. you forgive each other. as for adriana, that’s a tough one. but i also understand she felt cornered. i can just tell you one thing, she too is a victim of her past, you know? look at me. i sleep with all these women and never allow anyone close enough for five minutes because i fcking hate getting attached. i never had a constant person in my life and i cope with it by not allowing anybody to try to be constant because that way i can’t get hurt over it again when somebody leaves. i don’t know her past but if she’s making such a big deal out of not wanting help, not wanting to rely on somebody, wanting to do things on her own? man, you don’t know what messed with her head in the past. maybe that helps understanding her a little. as for making up ... ultimately you have to listen to your heart. follow what you want. because only you can make yourself happy. if you really have feelings for her? go after it. go after her. maybe she feels the same. love it the biggest virtue out there. the ones amongst us who get to find it are lucky. you see a chance at it? grab it. you never know how long this door will be open.”

william offers a smile to his friend. “give yourself some time to think about it. figure out what you want. then you decide. and don’t fcking tell anybody i told you all of this because officially i still don’t care about love and all that.” he nudges zach slightly, hoping to have given him some relief with a different perspective on it all.

“i think–” he starts, “you should only book a vacation next year if you don’t bring your ipad along. because if you’re going to work on your vacation then you might as well just stay home.” or so his thoughts tell him. blue eyes once more wander in the direction of the device as he listens to her. “you know ... even as the marketing director it’s okay to just turn it off. the ipad i mean. everybody won’t be working for at least a few days. i think you’ll be okay.” the oldest hawthorne child tries to encourage her a little to put aside work for a moment. hand is extended too now to introduce himself. “oh don’t worry about it. i could have done the same. i’m jonathan.” last name isn’t mentioned, does he not want to be connected to the rest of his family right away. “it’s lovely to meet you.” taller one admits, soft smile on his lips.

throat is cleared in an attempt to get emotions under control but the massive chaos in his head wins this fight. frowning heavily, jon closes eyes for a brief second, shakes his head as if he tries putting thoughts in order again. no success. “see.” he tries to speak. “this is where we are different.” half a smile finds his lips but it never reaches his eyes. instead, blue orbs leave her face and he looks down at his shoes, unable to hold her gaze when he is about to make himself this vulnerable. “i love you.” words leave his mouth but he knows it means nothing. not as long as she doesn’t feel the same for him. 

jon knows he owes an explanation. he’s been swallowing what he thinks for almost half his life now. with vic already having slipped from his fingers, he at least needs to find redemption in saying what he thinks about their situation. “you speak about blame and how there is no use in putting it on either of us. then put it on the both of us anyway and give me all these reasons to feel guilty and to feel bad for you because my silence forced you to do all these things. i appreciate your apology. i wish your words would follow suit.” a statement that leaves his lips hardly but the dirty blond has to stand his ground too and has to speak what’s on his mind – what has been on his mind. for a decade. “when i left, i left for us. so i could be better. so i could become a proper adult. so we could have a perspective. i didn’t deserve you. i was a horrible teenager. i needed to change in order to be enough. today, i think i would be enough. i would be good for you. maybe i would be the best for you. better than he.”

bottom lip trembles. this time not only because of the heavy stutter with which he speaks. but because emotions start overwhelming him. this is why he never spoke to her about it. he was in too deep. much deeper than he liked to admit. again, throat is cleared. does it help? not really. but it gives him a bit of time. “but i respect your decision. and your marriage. and all that he is doing for you. it’s a good thing you learned to love somebody because i was never there when i should have been. all this, where you ended up, this is good. and you deserve it. but you know what i don’t deserve? i don’t deserve you asking me to stay when you know it’s breaking me. so please don’t do that to me. with that ring on your finger, please don’t try to hold my hand and please don’t kiss my cheek because, victoria–” he pauses to take a deep breath, can’t fight back wetness in the corner of his eyes anymore and the trembling of his voice. “because i love you, victoria. and it’s not helping me to get over this feeling when you treat me like there is still a chance you could be mine.” 

jon squeezes eyes shut for a second, doesn’t want to feel the cold wetness on his cheeks now but really, it’s too late anyway. “i respect that you found happiness. so please respect that i have to let go. i want to be happy too.” a goal so far out of reach and yet, the oldest hawthorne child fought for it every day.

when they’re alone, hands wander into slacks again. he fully expects her to go off on him. for running off, for being so secretive, for sending mixed signals with the gift. granted, he had never meant for her to find it. but that didn’t change his situation now.

throat was cleared and he looked a little lost in the room that just screamed victoria in every aspect. deep breath is taken. courage, soldier. he hears the voice that has often haunted him in his dreams. another war he is lead into. blue eyes find her face. there is no avoiding the situation now. “i’m guessing you want to speak about what happened at town hall the other day ... ?” he tries to make the firs step, hoping they would get out of this war without either of them crying. or without him crying. because he was far more likely to do so.