(ED TWs apply, reader caution is advised, mostly a personal vent)
xoxo to my past self for documenting everything meticulously, so when i go back to look at old LW body checks, i'm also forced to scroll through tonnes of photos of my face documenting an exercise in utter human misery. my eyes look dead. i look so tired and dull and miserable, and it forces me to remember that i was. photos of me crying are the most emotion i show, every smile that i see looks so painfully forced it's practically a grimace. photos of me laying down on the yoga mat at the gym because i'd literally lost all sensation in my hands, they'd gone numb while i was running. i'd been fasting for a while. i had to stop running because i got scared, i literally couldn't feel my arms, so i went to lay down, and watched the clock ticking in fear - if i spent too long on the mat, i wouldn't have time to finish my exercises before the gym closed. i wouldn't meet my targets. the thought made me cry.
here's the thing. i never want to be that person again. photos of me in recovery are - i look radiant. the life is back in my eyes, there is genuine joy in my smile. i have accomplished so much since then. stuff that, if i relapsed, i wouldn't be able to hold onto.
in this relapse season, i do admit to periodically taking a look at those old photos. i'll admit something here that i'll chalk up to medschool keeping me busy & money being tight in real life. i do want to lose weight again. i know that i can never seek the comfort of an empty stomach again. i know that i can never go back to my addiction without losing what i have - if i nearly dropped out during my last big relapse, i couldn't stand a chance at staying in medschool while in active ED. and i don't want to be back in active ED ever again - well. there's always going to be a part of me that does, but the real me doesn't. i can't and i don't want to return to my addiction, so i'm trying to navigate how to return to counting and exercise without relapse. i know i have to stay in certain parameters, that is, i can't go below certain numbers - both because of the inevitable race to the bottom that would ensue, but also because what past me would have considered a 'high cal restrict' is actually an amount that my brain was Rotting at. and listen, i am barely managing medschool as it is. shit's Hard. and i can't go back to my LW, clearly, as the only way to get there is the aforementioned brainrot. but i do miss my old recovery body - the recovery body before the recovery to end all recoveries. i feel like i have to give an inch because otherwise, down the line, i'll have another Big Bad relapse. i know a lot of people will disagree & that's fine, obviously, i'm not right about a lot of things but this is something i want to do and feel i have the right to choose for myself without being questioned any more than a non-eating disordered person, yk. yet i still don't want to tell people irl.
so it will have to be slow and measured, something i've never been good at, but i have to be this time. i've got more to fight for than ever, though, so that will carry me through.
