....are you dreaming?

I see Athée on the feed of a website that appears to be a blend of Facebook and Tumblr. I zoom in on the logo - I don’t recall what it says, but it looks blurry. I think this is due to it being a low quality image, which I find strange for a social media site’s logo.

I try to instant message Athée there, asking if he misses me. I do not get a response.

After looking away for a moment, I see a notification that I have a new message. I’m feeling relieved, until I see that is a spam message. Some blonde girl directing me to her webcam or something. Damn.

Introspection

Athée was sort of a father-figure to me. Or maybe it would be more accurate to call him a perverted uncle-figure. :-p Either way, he was there for me in a way that I really needed at that time. Also, the atheist support group he had created on Facebook provided the sense of community that I had lost after leaving my old life behind.

After more and more people started joining the group, it began to feel less and less like a warm, positive community and more like just another soapbox. Still an atheist, I grew tired of talking about atheism all the time. I wanted to bond over the positive aspects of our lives. I think Athée felt the similarly, even if he still had a lot of anger in him toward religion.

Between feeling drained over the frequent anti-religion bantering, the stress associated with trying to maintain relationships with difficult family members, and work/school keeping me super busy, there was less time and energy to devote to the group. I just wish I had kept in better touch with Athée. It was so difficult at the time to stay in touch with anyone, though.

A while ago, I left a message for Athée that he never replied to, which likely inspired the dream scenario. More recently, I came across a message from an account that I no longer use that I happened to be checking at the time. There was a message from him there from months ago and I felt bad that I had never seen it. I thought to respond right then and there, but decided against it due to fear that he wouldn’t want to reply. This dream however inspired me to reply to that message today. I don’t know if I will get a response, but at least I didn’t give into fear.

I am in a home that is not terribly familiar to me, but I believe it to be my cousin A’s. My impression is that A, my cousin W, A’s wife (E), my aunt B and my uncle R are all here too, but in another room.

I find myself in another world, it seems - meditating maybe? I know where my body is, but my mind is focused on darkness behind closed eyes. With my eyes, I continue focusing on the darkness until from what appears to be a hole, a downward spiral forms. Is this a lucid dream? I want to believe that it is, but I’m just not sure. It feels like I am only meditating. With desire to take control in a way that I can feel with my body, I dive into the spiral. I can feel butterflies in my stomach on the way down which is pretty cool, but I crave something more.

I sense that someone is calling me from the waking state. I want to respond, but I can’t seem to wake up. I finally awake enough to respond, but can’t seem to stand up or open my eyes all the way. I crawl over to the next room over, where A is on the floor drawing. He wants me to draw my “character” next to E’s. He slides the paper on the floor in front of me, on which there are two boxes. The one to the right has E’s character already drawn, presumably by E. Her character looks a bit like the girl in my Lucid Lyra banner. I am to draw mine in the box to the left. My impression that this is something to do with a video game that A is designing.

Introspection

My cousin W and aunt B are family members I genuinely enjoy spending time with. It’s a shame I was not able to spend more time with them growing up, but it is nice to have reconnected with them over the internet. I don’t know my uncle R, cousin A or his wife E quite as well, but they also seem to be the low key and down to earth types that were always lacking in my childhood. I suppose their appearance could be reflective of my desire to be more involved with that side of my family. It’s just tough with school, work, and the physical distance.

It seems like lately the only lucid dreams I am able to achieve are dreams within dreams. As mentioned in the analysis of Nap Time in Dream Land, I believe this might be related to a lack of confidence in my ability to question my surroundings and that choosing to take a nap in a dream serves as my “lucidity training wheels”. Eventually, I hope to skip the step of taking a dream-nap. Right now, for whatever reason, my brain thinks an extra layer of dreaming where the world is even more obviously unrealistic is necessary. The fact that my brain actively creates this new dream world within a dream world to be just unrealistic enough for me to question it is some kind of hilarious fuckery, though! Even more sad/amusing is that even then, the self-doubt is strong within me. Sigh ... :) I’ll get there. One of these days.

Another common dream situation is the inability to move or open my eyes, as was the case after the false awakening. This isn’t the first time it’s happened after a false awakening either. Perhaps this could be a useful sign with which to induce lucidity in the first dream level?

I’m riding with mom inside of what seems like her old Aerostar mini-van, the one I remember from when I was living back home as a young teenager. As we enter the highway ramp and prepare to merge, I start to feel uneasy.

Now I am somehow watching this merge from a bird’s eye view. I notice that the van is much thinner than it should be and more rectangular in shape. I remember our Aerostar being boxy, but this is ridiculous. The narrowness of the van’s body makes it seem like only one person could fit in the front seat, yet I know that’s not the case - how is this possible? Is it even safe? The van appears to wobble as it slowly makes its way down the ramp. From every new angle I tried viewing it from, it would appear even thinner than before.

Now I find myself in the back-most seat, looking out the back window. I don’t think we are still on the highway - we seem to be on a smaller, two-lane road now.

I see a middle aged black woman driving behind us in the next lane over. For some reason, I have an urge to fuck with her a little. I don’t remember if I gave her the finger or made a funny face, but whichever it was, it infuriated her. I see the anger in her eyes vividly, leading me to immediately regret my decision. Seriously, what came over me??  I have a bad feeling she is about to do something crazy ...

Suddenly, she is speeding up and over into our lane ... what the hell, she’s going to hit us!! (I don’t remember if she actually did).

It’s a different scene now - we are still in the van but the woman is nowhere to be seen. As we approach a large intersection, mom stops the van out of nowhere. What is she doing, we are going to get hit! We remain stopped, but she angles the van in such a way that, according to dream logic, would help prevent the other cars from hitting us.

Analysis

Due to being busy with work and school, Facebook has been the easiest way to touch base with my mom. However, for the past month or so I have been limiting my time on it, which makes it feel as though I haven’t heard from her in a while. That could explain her appearance in the dream as well as the memories of riding in the van with her.

I’ve never experienced my mom’s driving habits as an adult and fellow driver, but based on memories of other drivers’ reactions to her as well as my dad’s backseat driving,  I have reason to believe that she was not the most aware of her surroundings. However, I think my uneasiness in this dream could be at least partly inspired by my uneasiness at times when riding along with Vega. Vega is a good driver and very aware of his surroundings, but he has no qualms with reacting aggressively toward other drivers when he feels they are behaving moronically. Given how I’ve seen drivers act toward other drivers who have wounded their pride somehow while driving, this is something I personally avoid - but not Vega.

I’m at work sitting in what appears to be my team’s row of cubicles, although they are positioned across from where they would be in real life, where the mailboxes and printers should actually be. Also unlike reality, there are no cube dividers between C and I - and A’s desk is positioned near us when it should be on the other side of the office.

From behind where I am sitting, I overhear A speaking in French. I can’t recall what was said, but I realize that I had understood her in the moment and am feeling pretty pleased with myself as a result. I see this as the perfect opportunity to show off my secret hobby. I grab my phone and go to show C my DuoLingo app.

Back at my desk, I receive an e-mail from the COO. I feel like I am able to read it clearly. I notice a few spelling errors, but see it as normal since English is her second language. The line I recall most vividly is “we have to get you out of QA”. My impression is that my team had not yet gone through its reconstruction, and that her comment was meant as a supportive gesture. She wanted to make sure I was taken care of.

I now find myself outside with Frérot and his wife, L'ange. It is very rocky and desert-esque here, which makes me think we are in Morocco. We are discussing the presumed phenomenon of winter causing people to grow fatter, and L’ange quickly mentions how she is affected by this.

Analysis

I was recently helping C with ideas on the potential design of an online training she was preparing. While brainstorming, I thought of how good a learning tool DuoLingo has been to me and wondered what elements of it could be applied to C’s training. As I began writing up the e-mail to C explaining my ideas, my initial instinct was to mention the actual app, as a sneaky excuse to let her in on my French-learning (most people are at least duo-lingual where I work, including C, so I feel a bit of an outcast in that regard). I chose not to, however, since there was no real way to include it without going on an obvious tangent. le sigh ... :) At least I got to show it off in dream-land. Gotta love wish-fulfillment dreams.

I’m guessing the lack of cubicle walls was just more convenient to my dreaming brain, due to C being my primary focus. As for A’s cubicle being near us ... while she sits on the other side of the office, she frequently comes over to print and ask me questions so it is almost like she is nearby. I believe her appearance could also be related to my recent rant to Vega about how rude her superiors act toward her.

As for the e-mail from the COO ... I find it interesting that I was able to read it, as many have claimed that making out words is not possible in dreams. I’m not sure if I was actually reading or if I just thought that I was but I certainly remember feeling as though I were reading. It’s a shame that I justified the spelling errors because, while English is truly not her first language, her English is very good. Had I realized that, it could have been an opportunity for lucidity.

I had always been nervous around the COO but used to work in the corporate office and closely with her assistant, both of whom were always fond of me. I wasn’t always sure of this because she is quiet and a little awkward just like I am, but over time it became more clear. I have recently moved up in my company and have wondered what she thinks about it, considering how low I had started. I think her support in the dream is reflective of my secret little wish for it.

Frérot is currently living with L’ange and her family in Morocco while she works to get citizenship here in the states, so they are often on my mind. I’ve never been to Morocco, but the pictures Frérot posts to his Facebook show it to be a beautiful country. This dream scene was actually based on one picture in particular where he and L’ange were standing on what appeared to be a rocky mountain side.

I’m not sure where the winter/fat connection came ... but I have been hungrier lately and have been joking a lot about it with Vega. It seems that my metabolism is still going fast and strong as it always has, but I do have a fear of that changing .... perhaps that inspired the dream discussion. :)

FINAL THOUGHTS: